Posts Tagged With: English

The Fart Primer

Posted on September 16, 2016 by pauldelancey

Our schools teach us how to solve quadratic equations. Our schools teach us how to compose essays on 19th-century English literature. They do not teach real-life survival skills. Specifically, they do not point out what foods make us fart. Say what you will about researching a prospective employer, all will go to naught if you bombard the interviewer with a barrage of deep and sonorous toots. Particularly if your blasts are stinky. So with the public welfare in mind, I present the following list. You’re welcome.

The worst fart causing foods are*:pintobeans

Bacon. Bacon! Bacon tastes great, worth any amount of farts.

Beans! What’s wrong with good ol’ reliable beans? “Beans, beans, the musical fruit . . . ”

Boiled cabbage. Smells like a fart when boiled. Still smells like a fart when farted.

Broccoli. There’s a reason President Bush didn’t like them.

Brussel sprouts. Must be tastier ways to construct a fart.

Candy: Especially if made with artificial sweeteners. Bad for the butt. Bad for the teeth. Bad at both ends.

Carrots: Improves your eyesight and more!

Cauliflower. Don’t let your dog eat this.

Cheese. Essential to modern cuisine, Italian, Mexican, you name it. Causes farts in countries around the world.

Collard Greens. Tasty if cooked right. Generates lethal farts either way.

Curry. The spice, not the actor.

Eggplant. Don’t let your dog eat this either.

Eggs. A versatile culinary ingredients. Eggs are essential to many fine dishes. Cooked by themselves, they are fart-making machies.

Fatty duck. Rendered goose fat is fantastic for making French fries. This dish is truly a doubled-cheeked sword.

French onion soup with cheese. Tastes great. The aroma changes on the way out, though.

Fried food, particularly fried chicken. Sometimes the taste is worth the consequences.

Frog legs. Why? Why? Why?

Lentils. Very vegetarian and vegan friendly. Not nose friendly.

Lutefisk. Smells horrible. Farting in a room with lutefisk will only make things smell better.

Milk. Especially if you have trouble breaking down lactose. Bowls of cereals, time bombs for the classroom.

Mushrooms. Slimy and fart causing.

Onion rings. Their taste will make guests want to come over. The farts will make them want to leave. Win. Win.

Pineapples. Visions of Hawaii. Odors of Hell.

Prunes. Makes you toot. Opens open your sluice gates as well.

Reconstituted beans. sulpher bombs. The ones backpackers use these on cross country trips. Your fellow trekkers will really believe they’re smelling a geyser or volcano.

Smoked oysters. Produce gourmet farts.

Snails with butter. Ew! Gross! Snails with anything are gross, expensive too. May I suggest beans?

Stuff canned in cottonseed oil. One of the food industry’s finest food-like products.

Tripe. Inards. Enough said. Stick with beans

* = Warning, results may vary.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Cuban Moros y Cristianos

Posted on April 16, 2016 by pauldelancey

Cuban Entree

MOROS Y CRISTIANOS
(beans and rice)

INGREDIENTSMorosYchristianos-

12 ounces dry black beans
2½ cups long white rice
5 cups chicken stock
1 green bell pepper
3 garlic cloves
1 medium onion
2½ tablespoons olive oil
1 bay leaf
½ teaspoon cumin
½ teaspoon oregano
¼ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
1½ tablespoon white vinegar
1 tablespoon tomato paste

SPECIAL ITEM

Dutch oven

Makes 6 bowls. Takes 2½ hours.

PREPARATION

Add beans to pot. Add enough water to cover beans with 1″ of water. Bring to boil using high heat. Let boil for 20 minutes. Stir occasionally. Remove, cover, and let stand for 1 hour. Drain and rinse beans. Again add water until beans are covered by 1″ of water. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 1 hour or until beans are tender. Drain.

While beans simmer, add rice and chicken stock to pot or rice cooker. Cook rice according to instructions on package.

While beans still soak and rice cooks, seed bell pepper. Dice bell pepper, garlic cloves, and onion. Add bell pepper, garlic, onion, and olive oil to Dutch oven. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add black beans from pot, bay leaf, cumin, oregano, pepper, salt, vinegar, and tomato paste. Cook on medium heat for 5 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add rice with chicken stock to Dutch oven. Stir and serve with sofrito.

TIDBITS

1) The Declaration of Independence of 1776 voiced America’s most cherished ideals in such a forceful and plain manner as to compel the assent of the world’s powers to America’s right to nationhood.

2) It was also a practical document listing all the things King George III of Britain did to annoy, vex, and hamper the commerce of The Thirteen Colonies.

3) One action that stands in my mind is how George and his ministers hampered the New England fishing fleets. The seamen clamored for the removal of these restrictions. It didn’t happen.

4) It became clearer and clearer that the only way for the fishermen to get a sympathetic National Fisheries Department was to create a new nation.

5) In 1773, the British sent regiment after regiment of infantry to Boston to suppress Boston’s surly and increasingly unruly fishermen. The redcoats stormed one bay-side warehouse after another carrying off cannon, muskets, and weapon-grade fish hooks. Surely, Boston was ripe for revolution.

6) But nothing happened. Boston baked beans had made the culinary scene. All the inns and taverns from New Hampshire to New Jersey served this new entree. It was so good. It is still so good. Diners became contented, contented enough to put revolutions and reality shows on hold.

7) In 1775, however, King George and his council made a truly egregious blunder. They omitted all types of carrots from the list of foodstuffs that could be grown in the colonies. From that moment on, carrots could only be imported from England on English ships.

8) These “carroty omissions,” an anagram for “Moros y Cristianos,” devastated the carrot farmers of New York, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Virginia, and Georgia. Passions ran high. Royal carrot enforcers were hung in effigy; their homes stormed and ransacked.

9) New England’s merchant fleet stayed in port. With no carrots to ship from the south to ship to carrot-starved Boston, there was no reason for them to venture out. Unemployment soared in all Thirteen Colonies.

10) Unemployed people tend to do two things, congregate at skateboard parks and foment revolution against the mother country. There were no skateboard parks in 1775. Revolution loomed.

11) On February 7, 1775, Samuel Magpie got up before the Pennsylvanian legislature to thunder, “Give me carrot cake or I’ll hold my breath until I turn blue.” Only a few people noticed. However, Patrick Henry was one of them.

12) Patrick Henry was an omnivore, a person or animal eating both fish and carrots. He knew the spark needed to inflame people’s hearts needed to be broader.

13) So on March 23, 1775 he addressed the Virginia Convention, “Give me liberty of give me death.” This was sheer brilliance. He had stood up for the rights of farmers to grow carrots and fishers to fish, while simultaneously creating a metaphor for ending political oppression. The fired-up conventioneers voted for a national convention. The Declaration of Independence would be signed a scant year later. Seven years more, America would become a new nation.

14) The great world powers took this lesson to heart.. Ever since then, no nation has dared to enact anti-carrot legislation. Carrot salad, anyone?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Hokey Pokey Ice Cream

Posted on January 7, 2016 by pauldelancey

New Zealander Dessert

HOKEY POKEY ICE CREAM

INGREDIENTS – HOKEY POKEYHokeyPokey-

2 tablespoons golden syrup
¼ cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda

INGREDIENTS – ICE CREAM

1½ cups heavy whipping cream
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
¾ cup confectioner’s sugar
4 egg yolks

SPECIAL UTENSILS

Waxed parchment paper or cookie sheet
No-stick spray
electric beater
1 gallon plastic container with tight lid

Makes 3 quarts. Takes 45 minutes plus about 6 hours in freezer.

PREPARATION – HOKEY POKEY

Put waxed parchment paper on cookie sheet. Spray waxed parchment paper with no-stick spray. Add golden syrup and sugar to pan. Cook at low-medium heat until mixture melts and then boils. Stir constantly. Reduce heat to low and cook for 5 minutes. Stir constantly to avoid burning the sugar. Remove from heat. Add baking soda. Stir with fork until mixture becomes pale and frothy. Pour mixture onto waxed parchment paper. Let sit for 30 minutes or until mixture solidifies into hokey pokey. Break hokey pokey with hands, bash with kitchen mallet, or cut with kitchen scissors until you have chunks no longer than ½” long.

PREPARATION – ICE CREAM

While hokey pokey sets, add cream to large mixing bowl. Whip with electric beater set on cream, or high, until cream becomes thickens and soft peaks form. Add vanilla extract, confectioner’s sugar, and egg yolks to second mixing bowl. Mix with electric beater set on cream, or high, until creamy. Fold confectioner’s sugar/egg mixture from second mixing bowl into first mixing bowl with cream.

PREPARATION – FINAL

Add hokey pokey chunks and ice cream to plastic container. Stir gently with spoon until hokey pokey is evenly distributed. Cover and put in refrigerator for 6 hours or ice cream is firm.

TIDBITS

1) The hokey pokey is a dance where a leader names a part of the body. The participants then put that part in, take part out, put that part in, shake it all about, turn themselves around. That’s what it’s all about.

2) The hokey pokey was used to devastating effect by English forces in the battle of Waterloo in 1815. In a desperate gamble, the French Emperor Napoleon hurled his vaunted Old Guard at the center of the English infantry line. Onward, ever onward they marched, their jaws clenched tightly together by glue-like oatmeal. The English line buckled. One more push and the French would triumph. Napoleon would remain emperor. He would continue to march his armies all over Europe. Europe would continue to be drenched in blood as Napoleon engaged in ceaseless conquest and pursuit of La Gloire.

3) Private Henry Tavert of the English tenor-infantry brigade began to shake in terror. His sergeant growled. “Pull yourself together, man.”

4) “I can’t.” said Henry. “You must,” said the sergeant. “For God, king, and country.”

5) “I still can’t.” The sergeant rolled his eyes. “All right then, do it for your mum.”

6) Henry managed a weak smile. “I can do that. Me mum used to sing the hokey pokey to me whenever I got afraid. It gave me courage, it did.”

7) “Then private, sing the hokey pokey.”

8) And so Henry did, weakly at first, but with increasing conviction and volume with each successive word. The rest of the tenor brigade joined in. When they all got to the part about turning “yourself about,” the song could be heard by the bilingual sergeants of France’s Old Guard.

9) These bilingual sergeants upon hearing the words “turn yourself about,” turned themselves about. The privates taking their cue from their sergeants turned themselves about as well.

10) “D___ me,” shouted the sergeant, “The Frenchies are fleeing. Fix bayonets!” He pointed to the retreating French. “England, put your whole selves out.”

11) The tenor brigade charged. Brigades to their left and right advanced as well. Pretty soon, the entire English army rushed the French. The French retreat became a rout. Napoleon’s once mighty Grande Armée disintegrated never to reform. Europe was finally at peace.

12) Europe stayed at peace for another 99 years. Whenever a country poured it armies across its neighbor’s borders, the defenders would sing the hokey pokey and make the attackers turn themselves about. War became pointless and boring.

13) Until 1913, when countries issued ear plugs to their armies. Soldiers couldn’t hear the hokey pokey and so would no longer turn themselves about. World War I, a horrific bloodbath, commenced only one year later. We need to come up with a countermeasure to ear plugs.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Chicken Piccata

Posted on November 21, 2015 by pauldelancey

Italian Entree

CHICKEN PICCATA

INGREDIENTSChickenPiccata-

4 (6 ounce) chicken breasts
3 tablespoons flour
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ cup butter
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 table spoons chicken broth
¼ cup white wine
3 tablespoons lemon juice
2 tablespoons drained capers
1 tablespoon parsley

SPECIAL UTENSIL

kitchen mallet

Makes 4 plates. Takes 25 minutes

PREPARATION

Pound chicken breasts with kitchen mallet until they are ½” thick. Add flour, pepper, and salt to mixing bowl. Mix with fork or whisk. Dredge chicken through flour mixture.

Add butter to pan. Melt butter on medium heat. Stir frequently. Add olive oil. Add as many chicken breasts that will fit. Cover and sauté at medium heat for 2 minutes on each side or until chicken is cooked through. Repeat for remaining chicken breasts. Remove chicken breasts to serving plates. Add chicken broth. wine, and lemon juice to pan. Bring to boil at high heat. Boil for 2 minutes or until sauce starts to thicken. Stir frequently. Ladle sauce evenly over chicken breasts. Sprinkle capers and parsley evenly over sauce.

TIDBITS

1) The Gold Rush of 1849 drew poodles and oodles of French prospectors to California. Nineteenth-century French prospectors loved escargots. (Escargot is snail in English. The French have a word for everything.)

2) But California’s snails did not please the refined Gallic pallets. Mais non, suitable escargots had to be brought in from far-away New Orleans. Escargot trail drives were out. Snails do not last long under the hot Western Sun, especially before the invention of hydrating GatoradeTM. The Escargot Express was born. The most famous driver on this route was none other than Cacti Pa. Cacti loved chicken, wine, lemon juice, and capers. Station chefs along the route served him this entree, calling it “Piccata” in honor of the anagram loving Cacti Pa. And so it goes.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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How I Will Save The World From Bigass Comets And War

Posted on July 7, 2015 by pauldelancey

Trampoline

If you’re like me, the thought of three-mile-wide comet striking the Earth terrifies you. I mean the last time we got hit by one, woowee, things were bad! We’re talking mass extinction with exclamation points everywhere!!!! And if you’re thinking I’m making all this up, go ask a dinosaur how things went down. Couldn’t find a dinosaur, could you? See? I was right.

Oh sure, there are some good things that would come with the obliteration of humanity. Some that occur to me: are eating English toffee ice cream and not caring a bit about the calories, no waiting in line at the DMV, no more filing of estimated taxes, never ever hearing again the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur, no more election ads, AND no more spring cleaning.

But no matter how much you try to put a happy face on this, mass extinctions are a bummer. You’ll miss things like: hot-and-heavy sex, breathing, shredded beef tacos in a crispy shell, root beer, and crossword puzzles*

So overall, I think it’s best if we deal with the incoming comets that everyone talks about. Here is my plan. It is devastating in its utter simplicity.

Have the comets bounce back into space off a three-mile wide trampoline.  Tada! The world is saved.

Of course, we’ll need helicopters to fly the trampoline to wherever it will be needed, but that should be easy to arrange. And in the meantime, it’ll  be a fantastic release for millions of energetic kids the world over who love to bounce, bounce, bounce. Face it, most people start wars because they’ve spent too much time with shrieking, whining, bored kids and just plain flipped out.

So, there you go, I’m saving the world at least two times. You’re welcome. I expect to Nobel Prize any moment now.

* = If you can find someone who lets you do crossword puzzles during hot and heavy sex, propose marriage immediately.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D. and future Nobel Prize winner

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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Pork Colombo

Posted on February 21, 2015 by pauldelancey

French Guianese Entree

PORK COLOMBO

INGREDIENTSPorkColombo-

1½ pounds pork loins
2 garlic cloves
1½ tablespoons fresh chives
1 onion
1 tomato
3 tablespoons Colombo powder (See above recipe.)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 cups chicken or vegetable stock
2 tablespoons lime juice
1 teaspoon Scotch bonnet sauce or habañero sauce (This are spicy!)
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
½ tablespoon thyme

Makes 6 bowls. Takes 1 hour.

PREPARATION

Cut pork loins into 1″ cubes. Mince garlic. Dice chives, onion and tomato. Add pork cubes and Colombo powder to mixing bowl. Use fork to thoroughly coat pork cubes with Colombo powder.

Add coated pork cubes and vegetable oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add garlic, onion, and tomato. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add chicken stock, lime juice, Scotch bonnet sauce, chives, peppers, salt, and thyme. Simmer at low-medium heat for 30 minutes. Stir occasionally.

TIDBITS

1) According to culinary historians, Scottish clansmen, from the 12th century on, would rub Scotch bonnet peppers onto their shaved heads before engaging in battle. Naturally, the fiery Scotch bonnet burned their noggins something considerable, so much so the clansmen became the fiercest of warriors. No army could stand up to them in hand-to-hand combat. “Here comes the Scotch bonnet heads” was a byword for terror for the invading English armies over the centuries.

2) Finally, the English hit upon the idea of shooting arrows tipped with lutefisk at the Scottish pikemen. The Scots retreated in terror. England and Scotland would become part of Britain. The English units lobbed lutefisk at the enemy warriors. The Scottish infantry, beserk with pepper heat penetrating their brains would smash through the disorganized infantry. It was an enduring formula for victory on the battlefield. Britain would soon conquer most of the world and there you go.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Pound Cake

Posted on June 18, 2014 by pauldelancey

American Dessert

POUND CAKE

INGREDIENTSPoundCake-

1 tablespoon butter (2 cups more later)
1 tablespoon flour (3 cups more later)
3 cups flour
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
2 cups butter
6 eggs
2 cups sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup milk

SPECIAL UTENSILS

2 9″x5″ loaf pans
electric beater

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Rub inside of pans with 1 tablespoon butter. Dust inside of pans with 1 tablespoon flour. Add3 cups flour, baking powder, and salt to medium mixing bowl. Mix together with whisk. Add 2 cups butter, eggs, sugar, and vanilla extract to large mixing bowl. Blend with electric beater set on cream or high. Blend ingredients for 5 minutes or until sugar/butter mix is light and fluffy. Alternate adding 1/3 of the milk with 1/3 of the flour/baking powder mix until all is used. Use low or blend setting on electric beater after each addition of milk or flour. Blend each time until everything is smooth.

Pour mixture into loaf pans. Bake for 1 hour at 350 degrees on until toothpick inserted into cake comes out clean. Let pan cool for 20 minutes. Gently remove cake from pan and let cool on wire rack for 1 hour more. Goes well with strawberries.

TIDBITS

1) The ancients Celts celebrated the Beltane festival by lighting bonfires and rolling cakes down hills. A cake that didn’t break brought good fortune.

2) Ancient cultures sometimes celebrated weddings by breaking a big bread loaf on the bride’s head. I hope this practice died out before the invention of the baguette or the fruitcake.

3) 17th century English folk believed keeping fruitcakes under unmarried people’s pillows will give them sweet dreams about their spouses to be.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Coq au Vin

Posted on June 28, 2013 by pauldelancey

French Entree

COQ AU VIN

INGREDIENTSCoqAuVin-

4 chicken breasts
1/2 pound sliced bacon
18 pearl onions
4 garlic cloves
2 carrots
1/2 teaspoon mignonette pepper (or black pepper)
2 cups chicken broth
1 1/2 cups red wine
2 bay leaves
1/2 teaspoon marjoram
1 teaspoon parsley flakes
1/2 teaspoon thyme
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
1/2 cup fresh parsley leaves

egg noodles (optional)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven

PREPARATION

Cut bacon widthwise into 1″ slices. Put bacon in pot. Add enough water to cover bacon with 2 extra inches of water. Bring water to boil. Simmer on low heat for 5 minutes. Drain. Rinse in cold water. Pat dry with paper towels.

While bacon is simmering, peel pearl onions. Dice garlic cloves and carrots. Cut each chicken breast into two pieces. Put bacon in Dutch oven. Cook bacon using medium heat for 10 minutes or until bacon starts to brown. Set aside bacon but leave bacon grease in Dutch oven.

Add chicken, onions, and mignonette pepper to Dutch oven. Cook on medium heat for 10 minutes until chicken pieces are browned on all sides. Turn chicken pieces and stir occasionally.

This dish goes well with noodles. If noodles are desired, cook them as instructed on package.

Add bacon, chicken broth, wine, carrot, bay leaves, marjoram, parsley flakes, and thyme. Simmer on low heat for 20 minutes or until chicken is cooked through. Stir occasionally. Remove chicken and onions. Remove and discard bay leaves. (Goodness, if this isn’t one of the removingest recipes around.)

Add butter and flour to Dutch oven. Turn heat to high and bring to boil. Cook for 10 minutes or until about 3/4 of the liquid boils off and sauce thickens. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low. Put bacon and onions back in Dutch oven. Stir until chicken is thoroughly coated with sauce. Garnish with fresh parsley leaves and serve on top of noodles if desired.

TIDBITS

1) Not only does this taste great but you can impress guests with its fancy French name.

2) The American Constitution is an impressive, living document. The Constitution’s 55 framers were impressive drinkers. For their good deed they threw a party where they drank 54 bottles of Madeira, 60 bottles of claret, 8 bottles of whiskey, 22 bottles of port, 8 bottles of hard cider, 12 beers and seven bowls of alcohol punch large enough that “ducks could swim in them.”

3) In the 17th century people filled their thermometers with brandy instead of mercury. Honestly dear, this glass is only the leftover from filling the thermometer. “You did want the thermometer filled, didn’t you?”

3)The highest recorded champagne cork flight was 177 feet and 9 inches, while soaring four feet off the ground. I wonder if this inspired NASA.

4) Before even brandy thermometers were used, brewers would dip their thumbs into their liquid to see if temperature was right for adding yeast. Hence the phrase “rule of thumb.”

5) Dowries in ancient Babylon included a month of fermented honey beverage. “Honey month” transformed over the years to “honeymoon.”

6) Well, that’s what I’ve read. I don’t think Babylonians used English words such as “honey month.” They probably used something, well, Babylonian. Perhaps they called it, “Mashka tohw” which through the centuries became “mosquito.”

7) Tidbit 6) could be true. I know people whose blood is like honey to mosquitoes.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Maschi (Stuffed tomato) from Sudan

Posted on June 25, 2013 by pauldelancey

Sudanese Entree

MASCHI
(Stuffed Tomato)

INGREDIENTSMaschi-

1/2 cup rice
1 cup water
2 cloves garlic (2 more cloves later)
1 medium onion
1 1/2 pounds beef (round, steak, or ground beef)
1/4 teaspoon allspice
1 tablespoon dill
1/2 teaspoon salt (1/4 more teaspoon later)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (2 more tablespoons later)
2 tablespoons lemon juice
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
8 large tomatoes

2 tablespoons lemon juice
1 cup water
2 6-ounce cans tomato paste
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
2 cloves garlic

Makes 8 stuffed tomatoes. Takes 1 hour 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cook rice and water according to instructions on package or rice cooker. While rice cooks, mince 2 garlic cloves and onion. Shred beef, if not using ground beef.

Add cooked rice, minced garlic from two cloves , onion, beef, allspice, dill, salt, 2 tablespoons vegetable oil, and 2 tablespoons lemon juice to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until beef browns and onion becomes soft.

Cut off the middle top part of a tomato. Scoop out the insides of the tomato with a spoon or your finger. (If you’re wondering if you should marry, ask your sweetheart to use the finger methods to help you hollow out these tomatoes. If this exercise goes well, by all means, propose.) Fill tomato with sautéed beef mixture. Close the tomato with a middle-tomato top. Repeat for the other tomatoes.

Put tomatoes in large skillet. Add 2 tablespoons vegetable oil. Roll the tomatoes gently in the oil.  Add butter. Sauté at medium-high heat until tomatoes turn dark red on the outside. Remove pan from burner.

Mince 2 garlic cloves. Combine 2 tablespoons lemon juice, water, tomato paste, salt, cinnamon,  and minced garlic from two cloves in mixing bowl. Pour this sauce over tomatoes. Put skillet back on burner. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 10 minutes or until sauce is done.

TIDBITS

1) Colonel John Garang led South Sudan’s long struggle for independence. Sudanese forces looked for Garang’s headquarters every day, hoping to decapitate the independence movement. Garang maintained radio silence unless he need to transmit critical information to his platoons.

2) Except when he radioed his congratulations to the Minnesota Twins for winning the World Series. Colonel Garang was a lifelong Twins fan.

3) Bombo Rivera was a mediocre but popular outfielder for the Twins. His popularity derived mainly from his cool sounding name. A song was even written about him. Here is a link to the lyrics, http://coffeyvillewhirlwind.wordpress.com/2007/07/05/the-ballad-of-bombo-rivera/

4) The movie, La Bamba, was made in 1987. It was not about the life of Bombo Rivera and didn’t star Bombo Rivera. Indeed, as far as I can tell Bombo Rivera did not even have a bit role in the movie.

5) The movie, La Bamba, is in English. There is no Spanish version of it, not even one in Esperanto.

6) The only movie made in Esperanto is Incubus. It starred William Shatner.

7) Within a year of that, he landed the role of Captain James T. Kirk in the television series, Star Trek.

8) So knowing Esperanto is useful.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Jamaican Curried Chicken

Posted on May 15, 2013 by pauldelancey

Jamaican Entree

CURRIED CHICKEN

INGREDIENTSCurryCh-

2 chicken breasts
1 medium potato
1 red bell pepper
3 garlic cloves
2 stalks green onion
1 large onion
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 cup chicken broth
1/4 teaspoon celery seed
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1 1/2 tablespoons Jamaican curry powder
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon thyme
1/4 teaspoon turmeric

PREPARATION

Cut chicken and potato into 1/2″ cubes. Removes seeds from red bell pepper. Mince bell pepper, garlic, green onion, and onion. Add vegetable oil, bell pepper, garlic, green onion, and onion to frying pan. Sauté at medium-high heat or until onions are tender.

Add chicken cubes, potato cubes, broth, celery seed, curry powder, pepper, thyme, and turmeric. Cook with lid off on low-medium heat for about 20 minutes or until potato bits are tender. Stir occasionally. Serve to your new best friends.

TIDBITS

1) Curry, while a tasty spice blend, is not a particularly fun spice despite what the “Fun Facts About Curry” would have you believe.

2) Tim Curry, however, is much more interesting. He starred in the cult classic movie, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He auditioned for the role by singing, “Tutti Frutti.” He had a dog named Frank.

3) One of the biggest movie flops of all times was the movie Ishtar. Ishtar is an anagram for “Hi, rats.”

4) “O,” “A,” and “I” are the shortest palindromes in the English language.

5) “ ” is the shortest palindrome spoken by mimes.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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