Gentle Readers,
As can be seen at intersections across this great country, many drivers are unsure of how to behave. I am here to help them.
Paul De Lancey, Helpful Neighbor
http://ow.ly/iNDq30cxqtu pauldelancey.com http://ow.ly/i/vKjHb http://ow.ly/i/vKjJN
Today marks the exciting debut of a new feature on this blog. Mr. Wisdom will impart a lifetime of accumulated wisdom. Learn how to cope with life, even thrive. Read “Mr. Wisdom Says.”
Doctor Paul De Lancey
(Submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look forward to hearing from you.)
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
INGREDIENTS
1 pound chuck roast or other stew meat
1 onion
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
5 cups beef broth
1 bay leaf
⅓ cup pearl barley
¼ cup dried green split peas
1 teaspoon marjoram
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon thyme
2 carrots
2 potatoes
1 tomato
SPECIAL UTENSIL
Dutch oven
Makes 8 bowls. Takes 3 hours 30 minutes.
PREPARATION
Cut chuck roast into ½” cubes. Dice onion. Add chuck roast and vegetable oil to Dutch oven. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until meat is completely browned. Stir occasionally. Add onion, beef broth, bay leaf, pearl barley, green split peas, marjoram, pepper, salt, and thyme. Bring to boil with high heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low and cover. Simmer for 1½ hours. Stir infrequently.
While beef, barley, and split peas simmer, dice carrots, potatoes, and tomato. Add carrot, potato, and tomato to Dutch oven. Cover. Simmer for 30 minutes or until chuck roast, pearl barley and split peas are tender. Stir infrequently.
TIDBITS
1) Ancients civilizations worshiped the Sun. The Sun was round back then.
2) The Sun is still round, except maybe during total eclipses or when the Sun is totally obscured by clouds. Then it could be rectangular. Who knows? This worrisome thought is why NASA is sending a mission to the Sun; to see if it ever changes its shape.
3) The ancient Romans and Egyptians always honored their Sun god during mealtimes. by making their soup bowls round like the Sun. Round smiley faces also honor the round sun. ☺
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Swedish Dessert
INGREDIENTS
1 cup (2 sticks) butter*
⅔ cup sugar
3 egg yolks
2½ cups flour
1 tsp almond extract (optional)
SPECIAL UTENSILS
electric beater**
cookie gun, aka cookie press
2 cookie pans
* = This was also made with NucoaTM. It’s hard to imagine how fiercely devoted some people were to this margarine.
** = Grandma didn’t use an electric beater. She used a hand-held one. However, those beaters are mighty hard to find these days.
Makes 80 cookies. Takes 50 minutes.
PREPARATION
Preheat oven to 360 degrees. Add butter to large mixing bowl. Use beater set on high until butter is light and fluffy. Add sugar. Mix with beater until butter and sugar are well blended. Add 1 egg yolk at a time, blending each instance. Gradually add flour, mixing all the time. Add almond extract, if desired, and mix briefly with electric beater.
Grease cookie pan lightly with paper from butter. Choose a disk for the cookie gun. Add dough to cookie gun. (Follow instructions that come with cookie gun.) Use cookie gun to press out dough onto cookie pan. Be creative. Make whatever shape you want. (My grandma favored the letter s.) Bake at 360 degrees for 10 minutes or until cookies start to brown. You might have to cook in batches. Gently remove cookies from cookie pans using fork. Gently, gently, as some cookie shapes crumble easier than others.
TIDBITS
1) Why are there so many towns in the western America named after Sweden? Culinary historians hold it is because of the wondrously sturdy wheels the immigrant Swedes used in their covered wagons. While others used wooden spokes in their wagon wheels, the Swedes made theirs from spritz cookie dough. Egg yolks were much stronger back then, making for more durable spokes than ones made from wood. Indeed, chickens were buffer in the 1800s, being able to bench press a 200-pound man.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I am ready. I am able to dispense with stupendously bad advice on time because:
1) Gravity is still working.
2) I just ate fish sticks.
3) My productivity today edged out my anti-productivity.
So, I shall once more be dispensing stupendously bad advice.
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KM asks: Okay, here goes. Do you consider Alfred Hitchcock a great man? See more.
Dear KM: Oh crudness, I cut and pasted from FB and lost the end of your questions or question. This vexes me greatly. I mean I might accidently give you good advice and then what would happen to my sacred rep? But I am nothing if not courageous, so here goes. You shouldn’t take my word for it. My opinion is only one opinion. It’s best to give the souls from the Great Beyond a chance to weigh in. Flip a coin. If it comes up heads, a dearly departed has voted yes. If it lands tails, then a spirit has said no. Don’t flip just a few times. That’s not statistically significant. Besides, there’s not a lot to do in the afterworld. So, just by asking the souls to vote, you’ll have brightened their lives (See what I did?) something considerable. I suggest flipping that coin at least 100,000 times.
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LF: How many ducks are in a row?
Dear LF: Go to the nearest pond with hundreds of ducks. Throw a piece of bread into the pond. Hurl the next piece near the shore. Toss the third bread cube on land. And so on, until you have hundreds of ravenous, fierce ducks snapping at your feet and heels in a crazed quest to get more food. Then simply turn around and herd them into a row. (You did watch Rawhide and Babe didn’t you?) Count quickly as ducks as notoriously impatient. Oh, and don’t forget to say please and thank you. As with all aquatic mammals, manners are important.
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DH asks: How do I keep my dog from rolling in dead possum?
Dear DH: Your dog clearly has a preferred scent. A refined one. So, if you want to keep your dog away from dead possums, you will have to spray that scent on something that you don’t want anymore like underwear with skid marks. Simply spray the “Dead Possum Scent” on the underwear. Kinda weird put at least arguably healthier that wallowing in dead possum. As of now, no major perfume company produces this scent. I suggest writing a certified, signature-required letter to the CEO of ChanelTM. They’ll be excited to hear from you.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I am ready. I am able to dispense with stupendously bad advice on time because:
1) Plate tectonics was not as bad this week as it was last week.
2) I am one with the universe.
3) Taco forces are advancing all over the glove.
So, I shall once more be dispensing stupendously bad advice.
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LF asks: Why can’t I fly?
Dear LF: You can! You can! You just need a giant slingshot. How big? Oh, about ten yards wide. You will, of course, need a lot of strong men to pull back the sling shot for you. Go to a biker bar and set up your slingshot between two trees. Then run over all their Harley DavidsonsTM several times with a pickup truck. Go into the bar and yell, “Hey wooses, I destroyed your hogs with my pickup trucks. Na na na poo poo!” It’s important to say “na na na poo poo.” They will certainly chase you out the door after that. Place yourself in the slingshot’s pocket, point to the smashed motorcycles, and say, “Hey wooses, what are you going to do about that?” They will certainly pull the slingshot back as far as they can. The joke will be on them however because you will fly through the air when they release. Oh, and I wouldn’t bother going back to whatever will be left of your truck. But you will have flown. And double oh, wear a helmet. Safety first and all that.
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SF asks: How do you pronounce covfefe?
Dear SF: Just like it looks.
Dear SF: Don’t listen to that advice. Change one in a song to covfefe. For example, change the song “Mariah” in Paint Your Wagon to “Covfefe.” “Covfefe, covfefe, they call the wind, Covfefe.” Then change “Shipoopi” from The Music Man to “Covfefe.” Do this for all sorts of songs, new ones too like “Hello” by Adele. Then go around home, work, and shopping, singing these songs one after another. Your covfefe song that gets the most people to grab their heads and yell, “Augh! I can’t get that song out of my head” will be right pronunciation of covfefe.
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SF asks: If I swallow my head, is that good Karma?
Dear SF: I am guessing it’s bad Karma as what you will be attempting will come back to bite you. See what I did there? But seriously, you really will choke yourself to death if you try to swallow your head. Your head is simply much too large to go down your throat in one piece. You will need to devour your head in several pieces. Plus swallowing your entire head is a severe breach of etiquette. A little bit a time, that way you won’t get noticed. And if you’re going to eat your head, I really suggest sautéing it in olive oil with minced onion and garlic cloves. Finally, look at the color of your skin. A light skinned head pairs with a white wine, champagne even if this is a festive occasion and a red wine if you’re dark skinned. Go ahead splurge on an good, expensive wine as this will be a once in a lifetime experience.
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LF asks: Can a stupid person be a smart ass?
Dear LF: This is tough one for me. Best get expert advice. Fortunately this is easy to do. Simply join the Marine Corps. This will entail a four-year commitment–Boy, that word is toughie to spell isn’t it?–but you’re on a quest for knowledge and such trifles shouldn’t deter you. Your drill instructor will give you an order on your very first day. He will then ask you, “Any questions?” This is your opportunity to ask, “Can a stupid person be a smart ass?” The knowledgeable sergeant will tell you loud and clear. Indeed, your inquisitive nature will so capture the heart of the drill instructor that he will pay special attention to you. His thoughtfulness will make basic training go by in no time.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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