Posts Tagged With: lentils

The Fart Primer

Our schools teach us how to solve quadratic equations. Our schools teach us how to compose essays on 19th-century English literature. They do not teach real-life survival skills. Specifically, they do not point out what foods make us fart. Say what you will about researching a prospective employer, all will go to naught if you bombard the interviewer with a barrage of deep and sonorous toots. Particularly if your blasts are stinky. So with the public welfare in mind, I present the following list. You’re welcome.

The worst fart causing foods are*:pintobeans

Bacon. Bacon! Bacon tastes great, worth any amount of farts.

Beans! What’s wrong with good ol’ reliable beans? “Beans, beans, the musical fruit . . . ”

Boiled cabbage. Smells like a fart when boiled. Still smells like a fart when farted.

Broccoli. There’s a reason President Bush didn’t like them.

Brussel sprouts. Must be tastier ways to construct a fart.

Candy: Especially if made with artificial sweeteners. Bad for the butt. Bad for the teeth. Bad at both ends.

Carrots: Improves your eyesight and more!

Cauliflower. Don’t let your dog eat this.

Cheese. Essential to modern cuisine, Italian, Mexican, you name it. Causes farts in countries around the world.

Collard Greens. Tasty if cooked right. Generates lethal farts either way.

Curry. The spice, not the actor.

Eggplant. Don’t let your dog eat this either.

Eggs. A versatile culinary ingredients. Eggs are essential to many fine dishes. Cooked by themselves, they are fart-making machies.

Fatty duck. Rendered goose fat is fantastic for making French fries. This dish is truly a doubled-cheeked sword.

French onion soup with cheese. Tastes great. The aroma changes on the way out, though.

Fried food, particularly fried chicken. Sometimes the taste is worth the consequences.

Frog legs. Why? Why? Why?

Lentils. Very vegetarian and vegan friendly. Not nose friendly.

Lutefisk. Smells horrible. Farting in a room with lutefisk will only make things smell better.

Milk. Especially if you have trouble breaking down lactose. Bowls of cereals, time bombs for the classroom.

Mushrooms. Slimy and fart causing.

Onion rings. Their taste will make guests want to come over. The farts will make them want to leave. Win. Win.

Pineapples. Visions of Hawaii. Odors of Hell.

Prunes. Makes you toot. Opens open your sluice gates as well.

Reconstituted beans. sulpher bombs. The ones backpackers use these on cross country trips. Your fellow trekkers will really believe they’re smelling a geyser or volcano.

Smoked oysters. Produce gourmet farts.

Snails with butter. Ew! Gross! Snails with anything are gross, expensive too. May I suggest beans?

Stuff canned in cottonseed oil. One of the food industry’s finest food-like products.

Tripe. Inards. Enough said. Stick with beans

* = Warning, results may vary.

 

Chef Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Nepali Pizza (chatamari)

Nepali Entree

NEPALI PIZZA
(chatamari)

INGREDIENTSchatamari-

1 cup black lentils (matpe beans)
3 cups water

1 cup water (about, check for consistency of batter as you add.)
½ cup ghee or butter (1 additional cup later.)
6 garlic cloves
½ tablespoon ginger
1 large onion
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 Roma tomatoes
2 chicken breasts or substitute with 1 egg per chatamari

INGREDIENTS – BASE

3 cups rice flour
1 cup ghee or butter
½ teaspoon salt

makes 12 chatamaris. Soaks overnight, then takes about 1½ hours.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

food processor

Soak black lentils in water overnight or until lentil skins become loose. Rinse lentils with water. Drain. Add lentils, 1 cup water, and ½ cup ghee to food processor. Blend until you get a smooth paste. Dice garlic, ginger, onion, and tomato. Thoroughly mince chicken. Add garlic, ginger, onion, pepper, salt, and oil to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add tomato, lower heat to medium and sauté for 1 minute.

Add rice flour, lentil paste, and salt to large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until you get a cake-like batter. Gradually add about 1 cup water until you get the right consistency. Add ghee to pan. Melt ghee using medium heat. Add 3 tablespoons ghee to the pan for the first chatamari and then add more later as necessary. Add ⅓ cup batter. Make base by spreading batter evenly and thinly with spatula until it’s 8″ in diameter. Cover base with equal amounts of minced chicken and sautéed garlicc/onion. Cook using medium heat for 3-to-5 minutes or until chicken/garlic/onion.is done. Chicken should be completely white. Cooking times tend to go down for each chatamari.

TIDBITS

1) There is no I in team or Nepal, but there is an I in victory and Nepali.

2) Nepali is an anagram for Alpine, which is cool. The Alps and Nepal are also cool from their tall mountains.

3) There is a lot of Snow, gratuitously capitalized, in the Alps and in Nepal.

4) Snow is an anagram for swon.

5) The plural form of swon is also swon, just like the plural of moose is moose.

6) The swon is the natural enemy of the moose.

7) The exciting swon festival is held every year or so in Crebano, Ruritania. Come early to see to the exploding cabbage competition.

8) If you are having trouble finding Ruritania on your map, may I suggest heading to Nepal for Holi, or the Festival of Colors, to celebrate the end of winter. However, it’s held in March and you’ll be in the Himalayan Mountains. It’s kinda like going to Wisconsin for your spring break. However, you do get paint yourself with various dyes. Again, like going to Madison, Wisconsin to see the Badgers play football. The one true difference between Nepal and Wisconsin is that the Nepali like to eat chatamari while the Wisconsinites prefer to munch on bratwursts. Your call.

9) If you happen to be Asia a month earlier, you might wish to see the Naked Man Festival in Japan. The best one is reportedly held in Okayama, although how they decided this is difficult to measure. The men, clad only in loincloths race toward Saldaji Temple to collect lucky sticks. I can just see a naked man saying, “Honestly officer, I’m not fleeing an enraged husband. I’m participating in the Naked Man Festival.” The officer will roll his eyes. “Like I haven’t heard that one before.”

10) After participating in the Naked Man Festival in Japan and having gotten drunk for two months, missed your flight home, and having your wallet and ID stolen, why not take in the Penis Festival held the first Sunday of April? People head to the Kanayama shrine to see giant penises, made, I hope, from paper maché or wood. Appreciate the many penis drawings and costumes.

11) Lovers or bamboo and buns will not want to miss the Cheng Chau Ben Festival held every May in Hong Kong. Contestants climb a giant bamboo covered in Chinese steamed buns. Um, okay, it’s not entirely clear whether the tower is covered in Chinese steamed buns or the climbers are covered in them. Either way, it’s pretty darn exciting. Anway, buns picked from the top of the bamboo tower or taken on the backs of the contestants to the top are consider luckier than ones at the bottom. People there go vegetarian during this festival. It’s not clear why. Maybe I would too if I had to climb a tall tower with steamed buns all over me.

13) Meat lovers will want to savor the Pig Parade held in Malolos, Philippines in mid September. Watch pigs dressed in all sorts of costumes and wearing makeup. See if you agree with the judges’ decision of the best dressed pig. But win or lose, it doesn’t matter in this egalitarian contest as winners and losers alike get roasted for the magnificent feast.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Koshary From Egypt

Egyptian Entree

KOSHARY

INGREDIENTSKoshary-

1 cup lentils
3 cloves garlic
2 onions
4 tomatoes
1 1/2 cups white rice
1 pound elbow macaroni

1/2 tablespoon olive oil (1-1/2 tablespoons more later)
1 15 ounce can chickpeas
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon cumin
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1-1/2 tablespoons olive oil

2 tablespoons white vinegar
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
1 teaspoon salt

Makes 8 bowls. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Soak lentils in bowl for 1 hour. While lentils are soaking, mince garlic and onions. Dice tomatoes. Cook rice according to instructions on package. Cook elbow macaroni according to instructions on package. Cook lentils according to instructions on package. (Thank goodness for package instructions.)

Put olive oil and onion in skillet. Sauté on medium-high heat for 10 minutes or until onion begins to brown. Stir frequently. Remove onion and place on towel-covered plate. Add garlic to skillet. Sauté on medium-high heat for 2 minutes. Stir frequently. Remove garlic and place on towel-covered plate.

Add olive oil, chickpeas, tomato, cayenne pepper, cumin, black pepper, and salt to skillet. Cook on medium heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. Put chickpea mixture into serving bowl.

Combine garlic, white vinegar, and red wine vinegar in mixing bowl.

Serve on plate with a spoonful each of: rice, macaroni, lentils, chickpea mixture, vinegar/garlic mixture, and top with a spoonful of sautéed onion.

TIDBITS

1) Chickpeas preserved the United States of America during its unpleasant Civil War of 1861-1865.
2) Rebel forces during this war often ran short of fun food to eat. Sausage pizzas were unheard of on the front lines as early as August, 1861. Quiche Lorraine disappeared by February, 1862. Caviar in April. Chicken parmigiana in August. And so it went. The Confederate forces had to subsist on chickpeas.

3) By September, 1862, the Confederacy was on the culinary ropes. General Robert E. Lee, command of the Army of Northern Virginia devised a daring invasion of Maryland and Pennsylvania to secure vast supplies of ham so necessary to delicious recipes such as juice and sugar-glazed ham.

4) But it didn’t happen. Sometime in September, Union soldiers looking for fine Southern tobacco hit the Mother Lode, found three fine cigars wrapped in sheets of paper. These papers detailed General Lee’s invasion plans.

5) The Union scouts turned the plans over to General McClellan, commander of the Army of the Potomac. The Northern forces scurried, between epic banquets, to intercept the rebel foes. The worthy foes collided at Antietam, Maryland on September 17, 1862.

6) Fighting at Antietam’s cornfield was so hot that the kernels popped off the corn cobs. And so popcorn was invented while the South’s hopes for military victory melted as fast as ice cream on a charcoal grill.

7) But it needn’t have happened that way. If only Lee’s orders had been wrapped in a can of chickpeas. Those Northern scouts fresh off a meal of bacon cheeseburgers would surely have ignored orders surrounding a can of chickpeas.

8) And so, the South would eventually lose the Civil War. The Union would be preserved. Slavery would be abolished and bacon cheeseburgers would forever after dominate the nation’s culinary scene.

9) And so it goes.
cover

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Berbere Stew

Ethiopian Entree

BERBERE STEW

INGREDIENTS

1/2 medium yellow onion
1 garlic clove
1/2 russet potato
3 baby carrots
1 1/4 cups water
3/4 cup orange lentils
2 1/4 teaspoons Berbere spice mix (See recipe for BERBERE SPICE MIX INGREDIENTS, if you can’t find the     mix)
1 14.5 can diced tomatoes

PREPARATION

You will make your culinary life easy for yourself and everyone else within cussing distance if you soak your lentil beans before starting to cook. (It is a little known fiction that 37% of all aggressive dictators since 1738 ate unsoaked beans at one time or another.)

Anyway, there are two ways to soak your beans. The first way is the “quick soak” method. Soak lentils in 6-to-8 cups of water. Heat on high until water boils. Boil for 2 minutes. Turn off heat and cover for 1 hour. Drain and rinse. The second way is the “slow method.” Soak lentils in 6-to-8 cups of water for at least 6 hours. (This give you time to run marathons in record times with about an hour break in between.) Drain and rinse.

Peel and dice onion, garlic cloves, and potato. Dice baby carrots. Put water, lentils, onion, garlic, potatoes, baby carrots, bebere spice mix in soup pot. Cook over medium-low heat for about 20 minutes or until lentils soften. Stir periodically with increasing frequency as you reach the 20-minute mark.

Let me stress that the time necessary to soften lentils varies with the time it soaked beforehand and the temperature at which they are cooked. So it is quite a good idea and periodically monitor the softness of the lentils. (Too many business mergers have been stopped because one CEO made another CEO wait too long for unsoaked lentils to soften.)

Add diced tomatoes and heat at low-medium heat for another 15 minutes.

Serve in a bowl or over rice on a plate.

1) Cardamom, used to make the Berbere spice mix, costs about $60 a pound.

2) Many of today’s cars weigh about a ton and cost about $25,000.

3) The same car made from cardamom would run you about $120,000.

4) That’s before labor costs. Who knows how much it would cost to hire workers skilled enough to fashion cardamom into an internal combustion engine, tires, windows, steering wheels and all the fixin’s.

5) Saffron costs about $170 an ounce or about one-tenth the price of gold or four times the cost of silver.

6) Thank goodness, keeping up with the Joneses doesn’t mean owning a $5,600,000 saffron car.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Moroccan Harira Soup

Moroccan Soup

HARIRA SOUP

INGREDIENTS

2 cups chicken broth
2 cups water
1/2 pound chicken breast
1 14.5 ounce cans chick peas, also known as garbanzos
1 14.5 ounce cans diced tomatoes
1 large onion
1/4 cup rice
5 tablespoons lentils
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
1/4 teaspoon Vegetable MagicTM spice
1 tablespoon fresh celery
3 tablespoons fresh cilantro (or 1 tablespoon dried cilantro)
2 tablespoons fresh parsley (or 2 teaspoons parsley flakes)
1 tablespoon flour
2 lemons

SPECIAL EQUIPMENT

colander, if you have one.

PREPARATION

Pour chicken broth and water into large cooking pot. Add shredded chicken. Simmer for about 20 minutes. Use this time to shred chicken in food processor.

(Food processors are truly wonderful labor-saving devices for that special chef in your family. So give one as a gift. Also give a box of chocolates or a case of beer, lest the chef interpret the food processor as another step into kitchen drudgery. Remember, an enraged chef has access to sharp knives.)

Use colander to drain chick peas.(If you are like most people and do not have such a utensil, carefully pour the water out of the can of chick peas. Ask for a colander for Valentine’s day.)

While shredded chicken, broth mixture simmers, dice onions, cilantro, and celery. Add chick peas, diced onions, tomatoes, rice, lentils, cinnamon, cumin, paprika, pepper, turmeric, and vegetable spice.

Stir frequently while bringing soup to boil. Simmer for an hour, stirring occasionally. If soup is too thick for your liking, add water until you obtain your desired consistency.

Add celery, parsley, and flour to soup, Simmer for 20 minutes, stirring occasionally.

While soup simmers, cut lemons into halves. Serve soup with lemon halves on side of bowl. Add squirts of lemon to taste.

TIDBITS

1) Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, and Dorothy Lamour starred in the 1947 movie, Road To Morocco.

2) My mother had lunch with Mrs. Hope.

3) Mom rarely served garbanzo beans for dinner.

4) When I was small my family went on vacation with another family. Their names are lost in the sands of history. A diner served our two families lots of garbanzo beans.

5) To keep us kids happy, the adults promised us a penny for every garbanzo bean we ate. I managed to earn the princely sum of seven cents.

6) However, a kid in the other family ate about 100. I highly suspect he became an industrial giant.

7) I had this dish at the Moroccan restaurant in Disney’s Epcot Center in Orlando. It cost about $15.

8) So now you know what you can charge whenever you get to be as famous as Disney.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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