Deep Thinker asks the question we’ve all been thinking.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Keeping fit with Doughnut Toss
We all want to eat doughnuts all day long and never gain a pound.
But that’s impossible, you say.
Until now!
Because of Doughnut TossTM.
Yes, buy Doughnut Toss. It comes with a starter set of six doughnuts.
How do I play?
Just stand twelve feet away and throw a doughnut at your fellow player. If she catches it, she gets to eat it. If he drops or misses the doughnut, he has to toss the doughnut back to you. Keep throwing doughnuts until they’re all eaten. You can almost feel the calories burning off. The player who eats the most doughnuts, wins. It’s that simple.
You want to play again and again. So, be sure to stock up on official Doughnut Toss replacement packs. (Comes in sizes of six or twelve.)
Doughnut Toss, making fitness tasty!
You betcha.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
A bit less than four tons.
The brilliant foodie Italiandiva asks:
“How many calories are there in four tons of Makawoni Au Graten?”
Dear Italiandiva,
Thank you for your interest. The answer is 10,533,019 calories. This will serve 18,879 people.
Here’s how I derived that number. My recipe weighs 3.39 pounds. Four tons equals 8,000 pounds. I simply converted my recipe to serve 18,879 instead of eight.
Ingredient Calories in four tons
———– ———————-
pasta 3,969,340
small onions 49,528
garlic cloves 9,434
red bell peppers 73,113
butter 721,698
evaporated milk 1,075,472
mayonnaise 1,441,038
Parmesan cheese 1,523,585
Edam cheese 1,669,811
Total = 10,533,019
It almost goes without saying that you will need 2,360 casserole dishes. Actually, your shopping event will not be as fearsome as that. You already have one such casserole dish. So you will only need to buy 2,359 more. And here’s a time-saving tidbit. My recipe for 18,879 people requires 2,360 garlic cloves. That’s a lot of garlic cloves to peel. May I suggest buying already peeled garlic cloves? It will save you a lot of time. And oh, you’ll need 2,359 more ovens or one that’s built to truly exciting specifications.
Keep your questions coming.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., calorie counter
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
If you’re like me, the thought of three-mile-wide comet striking the Earth terrifies you. I mean the last time we got hit by one, woowee, things were bad! We’re talking mass extinction with exclamation points everywhere!!!! And if you’re thinking I’m making all this up, go ask a dinosaur how things went down. Couldn’t find a dinosaur, could you? See? I was right.
Oh sure, there are some good things that would come with the obliteration of humanity. Some that occur to me: are eating English toffee ice cream and not caring a bit about the calories, no waiting in line at the DMV, no more filing of estimated taxes, never ever hearing again the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur, no more election ads, AND no more spring cleaning.
But no matter how much you try to put a happy face on this, mass extinctions are a bummer. You’ll miss things like: hot-and-heavy sex, breathing, shredded beef tacos in a crispy shell, root beer, and crossword puzzles*
So overall, I think it’s best if we deal with the incoming comets that everyone talks about. Here is my plan. It is devastating in its utter simplicity.
Have the comets bounce back into space off a three-mile wide trampoline. Tada! The world is saved.
Of course, we’ll need helicopters to fly the trampoline to wherever it will be needed, but that should be easy to arrange. And in the meantime, it’ll be a fantastic release for millions of energetic kids the world over who love to bounce, bounce, bounce. Face it, most people start wars because they’ve spent too much time with shrieking, whining, bored kids and just plain flipped out.
So, there you go, I’m saving the world at least two times. You’re welcome. I expect to Nobel Prize any moment now.
* = If you can find someone who lets you do crossword puzzles during hot and heavy sex, propose marriage immediately.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D. and future Nobel Prize winner
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
American Dessert
PEANUT-BUTTER MILKSHAKE
INGREDIENTS
3 cups milk
1 cup smooth peanut butter
2 1/2 cups vanilla ice cream
PREPARATION
Put milk in blender. Add 1 cup of peanut butter. Put the peanut butter directly into the blender until the level of the milk reaches 4 cups. (Measuring sticky peanut butter exactly by the measuring cup is a colossal pain.) Make sure, though, that the peanut butter is completely submerged in milk. Similarly, add the ice cream until the milk’s level reads 6 1/2 cups.
Blend the mix at the “milkshake” or “blend” speed until you get your desired level of smoothness. You smooth operator, you.
TIDBITS
1) This has a lot of calories in it. So beware.
2) It sure is tasty, though.
3) I had a peanut-butter milkshake in Plains, Georgia, the hometown of President Jimmy Carter.
4) Everyone told me how I had just missed seeing him by a half hour and how he liked to talk to people.
5) I waited a bit hoping he would come back soon, but he didn’t.
6) I never saw him, ever.
7) Culinary life isn’t always fair.
8) But I’ve gotten over it, mostly.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Irish Entree
INGREDIENTS
1 4-to-5 pound ready-to-cook corned beef brisket
6 russet potatoes
3 large carrots
1 large white onion
1/2 head cabbage
water
SPECIALTY UTENSIL
crock pot
PREPARATION
At the crock pot’s low setting, the brisket can take 10-to-14 hours to become tender. The high setting will cut this time by about half.
Put ready-to-cook corned beef brisket in crock pot. Add water to crock pot until it covers the brisket. You may need to cut the brisket into smaller pieces depending on the size of your crock pot. Cook for 10-to-14, possibly overnight, or until brisket is tender.
Clean potatoes and carrots. Cut potatoes carrots, onions, and cabbages in slices no thicker than 1/2″ inch and add them to the crock pot. and vegetables. Add water until it covers the brisket and vegetables. Cook on low setting for about 2 hours or until vegetables are tender. Serve to adoring guests.
This is an astoundingly versatile dish. See the following two recipes for delightful meals made out of this recipe’s leftovers.
Tell your spellbound guests corned-beef takes 10 days to prepare. This, of course, is the do-it-yourself corned-beef version. You used ready-to-eat corned beef brisket. But you needn’t tell them that.
TIDBITS
1) Potatoes make great French fries.
2) They’re nutritious and a great source of calories too.
3) They grow in the ground where they can’t be seen by hungry, foraging armies marching back and forth across peasants’ fields.
4) On July 14, 1689 Madame Farine du Blé of Poulet sur Marne noticed invading Bavarians ransacking the granary of her neighbors, the Herbes, while leaving her own field of potatoes completely untouched.
5) This fact kinda excited the peasantry of France who relied almost exclusively on food for eating.
6) Frederick the Great of Prussia noticed this fact as well. He insisted that all the Prussian peasants plant potatoes.
7) And boy, those peasants were glad they did. Massive French, Austrian, and Russian armies crisscrossed the Prussian kingdom from 1756 to 1763 carting off all the wheat they could find. But the Prussian peasants didn’t starve.
8) Why? These farmers simply waited for the invading soldiers to leave, dug up their potatoes, and cooked them. And if the peasants also had the proper spices and deep fryers, they dined on papas rellena, Peruvian stuffed potatoes.
9) When individual peasants don’t starve, the country as a whole doesn’t starve. A well-fed nation can afford to feed it armies in the field. And those Prussian armies did really well earning both victory and survival at the end of the Seven Years War.
10) Prussia united Germany in 1871. A united Germany caused World War I. A united Germany caused World War II. Both wars were unarguably unpleasant.
11) So think about that when you are asked, “Do you want fries with that?”
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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