Posts Tagged With: Chef Paul

The French Plan For World Domination

Gentle Readers,

France, having failed to take over world under Louis XIV and Napoleon I, is on the march again. Oh no, this time it’s quest for world domination will not occur by force of arms. Mais non, it’s trying to take over one kitchen at a time. Then one house at a time. Then one city at a time and finally one nation at a time.

“But how,” you say, “is this possible?”

I’m glad you asked. A piece of what looks to be dried or cooked meat looking like France will show up mysteriously by your kitchen burner. If this dried-meat France is left undisturbed for more than an hour, it will emit waves that will turn your brain into one that loves France, loves everything French, and will live, fight, and die for La Belle France. That’s okay, but you will find yourself loving mushrooms, lamb’s brain, raw hamburger meat, and buttered snails.

Don’t let this happen! Keep your kitchen immaculate. At all times. And if you happen to like mushrooms, then you were most likely briefly exposed to a dried-meat France. See your doctor immediately and ever year after that.

Remember if you don’t tell your kids about buttered snails, then who will?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: food, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Shrimp Bisque

French Soup

SHRIMP BISQUE

INGREDIENTS

1 pound medium shrimp, shells on*
1 medium carrot
1 stick celery
1 garlic clove
1 small onion
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
½ tablespoon tomato paste
6 cups water
1 small bay leaf
½ tablespoon dry parsley
½ teaspoon salt
½ tablespoon dry thyme
1 tablespoon brandy or white wine
2 tablespoons butter
3 tablespoons flour
1⅓ cups cream
croutons as desired
6 sprigs fresh parsley

* = To get the most authentic flavor, you need to buy shrimp with the heads on. This is difficult if you don’t live in a hopping culinary center. My Poway is like this. I feel your pain.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

colander with fine mesh

Makes 6 bowls. Takes 1 hour.

PREPARATION

Peel and devein shrimp. KEEP SHELLS. Dice carrot, celery, garlic, and onion. Add oil and shrimp shells and heads, if you could buy them, to 1st pot. Sauté at high heat for 5 minutes or until shells start to brown. Stir frequently. Add garlic and onion. Reduce heat to medium-high. Sauté for 5 minutes until garlic and onion soften. Stir frequently. Add carrot, celery, tomato paste, water, bay leaf, dry parsley, salt, and thyme. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low and simmer shrimp-shell stock for 30 minutes. Stir occasionally. Strain this stock through a colander and into a large bowl. Return clear stock and add brandy to 2nd pot.

While stock simmers, add butter to pan. Melt butter using medium heat. Add flour. Blend in flour. Stir frequently. Cook for 2 minutes or until flour turns golden brown.

Add golden-brown flour to 2nd pot. Blend with fork until golden-brown flour blends completely into stock. Strain stock again through colander into 2nd pot. Add cream to 2nd pot with stock. Stir in cream with spoon until well blended. Cook at medium heat. Add shrimp. Cook at medium heat or until shrimp turns orange. Garnish each bowl with croutons and fresh parsley sprigs.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe uses water.

2) Life uses water. Every organism needs water to live.

3) Unless, of course, you’re a bacterial endospore. Even then, you’d need water eventually.

4) I harbor doubts, though, that you are a bacterial endospore, BA.

5) For such endospores rely on a notoriously deficient system of public education. There’s no funding for it. None. So, BAs can’t read. But you can read. Therefore you are a human or possibly a very smart giraffe.

6) People are not allowed to take giraffes to sporting events, not even as a comfort animal. People behind would be forever yelling, “Down in front.”

7) Giraffes can be surly and are apt to smack your head with their strong, necks if you try to make them leave a ball game, particularly if you didn’t ask them nicely. Manners are always in fashion.

8) Yes, the best way to get a giraffe to leave a Cubs/Cardinals game is for the security guard to say, “Excuse me please, Mr. Giraffe, would join me in eating some popcorn just outside?” This will work nine times out of ten, for giraffes love popcorn. Yay!

9) But how does popcorn pop? There’s a little bit of water inside every corn kernel. Yes, staying hydrated is important for everyone whether you be a human being or a future corn plant.

10) When you heat the kernel sufficiently, pressure builds up as the water in the middle turns to steam. But the kernel’s solid shell prevents steam from seeping out. Eventually, there’s enough pressure to rip apart the shell. Et voilà, you have popcorn.

11) Admiral Halsey contemplated this very fact while munching on popcorn in early 1943. “If only we could have harnessed the explosive power of popcorn during the Battle of Midway. We could have launched our planes so much quicker.”

12) And what the Admiral wanted, the Admiral got. Plane after plane would be launched by exploding popcorn. American fighters got to the Japanese Zeros so fast that they could not respond in time. America would thrash Japan in every carrier battle. We would win the war.

13) At first, the carriers’ crews poured melted butter over the popcorn left behind by the launches. But although the sailors would eat every tasty popcorn kernel, the remaining melted butter would leave the flight deck extremely slick. The returning American planes skidded off the buttery carriers and into the sea. This is why the U.S. Navy has banned buttered popcorn.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Smoked Paprika Chicken

American Entree

SMOKED PAPRIKA CHICKEN

INGREDIENTS

2 teaspoons brown sugar
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon garlic powder
½ tablespoon garlic salt
2 teaspoons paprika
1 teaspoon pepper
2 teaspoons sea salt
5 chicken breasts
1 bags wood chips (alder, apple, maple, olive, pecan, or walnut)

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric smoker
digital thermometer (if your smoker doesn’t have one)
tin foil

Serves 5. Takes 2 hours.*

PREPARATION

Preheat smoker to 225 degrees. Add all ingredients except chicken breasts and wood chips to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until spice mix is well blended. Rub spice mix equally over chicken breasts. Add wood chips to smoker. Add spiced chicken to smoker. Smoke chicken at 225 degrees until internal temperature of chicken is at least 165 degrees. The thermometer should be inserted into the thicket part of the meat.

Check every 15 minutes. This should take 1-to-2 hours.* If you’re lucky, your smoker will be set up so that your smart phone will tell you when it’s done. Carefully remove chicken breasts from smoker, place them on a plate, cover them with tin foil, and let sit for 15 minutes.

* = Please note that the various smokers perform differently. So, check the manual for placement of chicken in smoker, cooking temperature, how to use wood chips, and other pertinent information.

TIDBITS

1) The Southern tobacco crop failed in 1858. Desperate good ol’ boys took to smoking spinach, cauliflower, and squash. These all proved to be quite distasteful failures. In 1859, Andrew Calhoun rolled paprika-spiced chicken in his cigarette papers. It tasted great. Things were fine. Then, in 1860, Lincoln ran for president on the anti-smoked chicken platform. Prominent Southerners claimed he was trying to destroy their way of life. The South seceded. But the North won the Civil War and banned chicken smoking. This is why we only smoke tobacco.

– Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My First Recipe – Paul’s Ham Salad

American Entree

PAUL’S HAM SALAD
(Old World Style*)

INGREDIENTS AND PREPARATION

 

 

 

 

 

 

Serves 6. Takes 30 minutes.

 

TIDBITS

1) This is, as far as I remember, the very first recipe I made up and wrote down.

2) It has a rather elegant simplicity, doesn’t it?

3) I think I was about eleven when I created this dish.

4) I looked like this back then. Wasn’t I cute?

5) My favorite food was tacos. Still is.

6) I was a food fussy when I was little.

7) I started cooking partly to control the meal and the ingredients. No icky foods would ever find there way into my meals. I also enjoy cooking. I find it therapeutic.

9) Food has worked it’s way into some of my novels as well.

10) This bio is over. I’m hungry.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gentle Reader,

I made this dish decades ago. It’s the first recipe I ever wrote down.

 

Categories: cuisine | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hot Fudge Sundae

American Dessert

HOT FUDGE SUNDAE

INGREDIENTS

2 tablespoons corn syrup or honey
7 tablespoons heavy cream (⅔ cup more later)
⅓ cup sugar
7 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
3 tablespoons butter, softened
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
⅔ cup heavy cream or whipped cream
2 cups vanilla ice cream
chopped peanuts as desired
maraschino cherries as desired

SPECIAL UTENSILS

food processors
sundae glasses

Serves 4. Takes 25 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add corn syrup, 7 tablespoons heavy cream, and sugar to pan. Simmer at low heat until sugar completely dissolves. Stir frequently. Add chocolate chips. Simmer at low heat until chocolate chips melt completely and blend in with heavy cream/sugar mixture. Stir frequently. Add butter and vanilla extract.. Simmer at low heat until butter melts and blends in with heavy cream/chocolate mixture. Stir frequently. This is the hot fudge. Remove from heat.

Add ⅔ cup heavy cream to food processor. Blend until you get whipped cream. Pour just enough hot fudge into sundae glasses, cups, or bowls to cover the bottom. Add equal amounts of ice cream to each glass. Top ice creams with an equal amount of hot fudge. Garnish with whipped cream, chopped peanuts, and cherries.

TIDBITS

1) The first Summer Olympics took place in Athens, Greece in 1896. These games started with the official eating of the hot fudge sundae which was made locally.

2) There were no opening ceremonies for the 1900 Summer Olympics in Paris. The official hot fudge sundae melted en route or got eaten by an Olympic relay runner. After waiting fruitlessly for a replacement sundae to arrive, an exasperated starting official said, “Screw it, let the games begin.”

3) In 1928, Olympic officials decided to reinstate the opening ceremony with a flame brought from Athens. This worked. They also shortened the opening ceremonial line to “Let the games begin.”

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Chicken Popper

American Entree

BACON WRAPPED JALAPENO CHICKEN POPPER

INGREDIENTS

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
½ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
4 ounces cream cheese, softened
4 ounces diced, roasted jalapenos
½ cup grated cheddar cheese (2 tablespoons at a time)
12 slices bacon

SPECIAL UTENSILS

kitchen mallet
toothpicks
wire rack
no-stick spray
baking pan This entree won the American Civil War.

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add chicken breasts to flat surface. Rub pepper and salt into chicken breasts. Put one plastic sheet under chicken breast and another over. Pound chicken with kitchen mallets until it is ¼-to-½” thin. Cut cream cheese into 4 long rectangles. Add 1 cream-cheese rectangle to middle of chicken breast. Flatten cream cheese with spatula. Sprinkle ¼ of diced jalapeno over cheese. Sprinkle 2 tablespoons cheddar cheese over jalapeno. Roll up chicken breast. and wrap with 3 slices bacon. Secure with toothpicks. Repeat for the remaining chicken breasts.

Spray wire rack with no-stick spray. Place pan in bottom rack setting of oven. (To collect drippings.) Put wire rack in the first rack setting over cooking pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. Move wire rack to the top spot of the oven. (Careful, use kitchen mitts.) Increase temperature to 425 degrees and broil for 6 minutes. Turn poppers over and broil for another 6 minutes or until bacon is crispy.

TIDBITS

1) Confederate Armies during the Civil War subsisted on taste-free crackers. Union forces, however, feasted on scrumptious BWJCPs. This difference in diet gave Billy Yank s a morale boost over Johnny Reb. Indeed, Billy Yank would taunt his foes by tossing BCWJCPs high in the air. The Southern will to fight soon crumbled. Bitter Southerners would not forget. They practiced passing long distances in the hopes of establishing football supremacy should that sport ever be invented. This is why Southern Universities have won one national football title after another.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Smoked Sirloin Roast

American Entree

SMOKED SIRLOIN ROAST

INGREDIENTS

3½ pounds top sirloin roast
5 tablespoons Montreal steak spice
2 tablespoons sea salt
2 cups wood chips: hickory, mesquite, or oak

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric smoker
kitchen string
digital thermometer (if your smoker doesn’t have one)

Serves 6. Takes 2 hours.*

PREPARATION

Preheat electric smoker to 250 degrees. Trim off excess fat from sirloin roast. Rub both sides with Montreal steak spice and sea salt. Roll up sirloin and tie it with kitchen string.

Add wood chips to electric smoker. Add sirloin to basket in smoker. Smoke until internal temperature, as measured by thermometer, reads 145 degrees. This will take about 2 hours.* The thermometer should be inserted into the thicket part of the meat. Check every 15 minutes after 1 hour. If you’re lucky, your smoker will be set up so that your smart phone will tell you when it’s done. Carefully remove basket from smoker and let sit 10 minutes. Carve and serve.

* = Please note that the various smokers perform differently. So, check the manual for placement of sirloin in smoker, cooking temperature, how to use wood chips, and other pertinent information.

TIDBITS

1) To serve six million people, simply multiply the ingredients and the number of special utensils by one million. Except for the ball of kitchen string. Simply get a ball of string that’s large enough. Buying ingredients for that number of guests will cost a lot of money. This is where your enormous ball of string comes in. People will pay good money to see a string ball that big. Why it would have a diameter (Does quick calculation in head.) of at least 25 feet. That’s all? Sorry, you’re on your own with expenses.

2) Then there’s the problem of finding 1,000,000 outlets. Even if you used every outlet in your city of 50,000, your smokers’ power surges would bring down your municipality’s power grid. The Pentagon, of course, knows this, and has plans to air drop millions of slow cookers and tons of ingredients around Russia’s nuclear basses. The resultant power surges will disable Russia’s entire nuclear capability. Now you know how the world will be safe.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Vanilla Bean Ice Cream

American Dessert

VANILLA BEAN ICE CREAM

INGREDIENTS

1 vanilla bean
2 cups heavy cream
1 cup sugar
1⅓ cups warm whole milk
4 large egg yolks

SPECIAL UTENSIL

ice cream maker or churn

Serves 4. Takes 9 hours or more.

PREPARATION

Cut the vanilla bean in half lengthwise. Scrape out seeds with a small knife. Keep the pod. Add vanilla-bean seeds, vanilla-bean pod, heavy cream, sugar, and whole milk into pot. Simmer mixture at low heat until it is scalding (about 175 degrees). Stir gently and constantly. Remove from heat.

Add egg yolks to large mixing bowl and beat lightly with whisk. Add hot cream/milk mixture slowly to egg yolks while whisking gently. Add hot cream/milk/yolk mixture to pot. Heat mixture at low-medium heat until it thickens and leaves a trail on spoon.

Put pot in large mixing bowl. Add ice cubes to mixing bowl. Remove vanilla-bean pod. Cover and chill until in refrigerator. Churn hours later and then freeze according to instructions from ice cream maker. Serve to adoring quests.

TIDBITS

1) Eegah Olduvai, son of Ugg Olduvai, grandson of Ogg Olduvai, great grandson of Lucy, the first human, glanced up at the blazing Sun. He sweated so in the intense heat. So did the whole Oldivai tribe. Their sweat ran down their legs to the baked earth, merging into one rivulet. Nothing big mind you, a scant inch in width, but enough to give birth to the Nile River. In time, the Nile would expand until Egypt itself would be called the Gift of the Nile.

2) Meanwhile, Eegah craved something tasty, something to cool himself down, but what? His wife, her name sadly lost to history, suggested an refreshing ice cream. But there was no ice in Oldivai Gorge. There were no dairy cows. So they would search for ingredients. Perhaps they’d find them the next gorge, the next valley. If not there, they would trek forever until they found ice and heavy whipping cream. Thus began the human race’s great migration to all the continents of the world.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Stabby Tabby Says, #1

 

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Betty Ponterio

Antarctic Appetizer

BETTY PONTERIO

INGREDIENTS

ice cubes
beverage

Serves 1. Takes 1 minute

PREPARATION

Add ice cubes to glass. Add beverage.

TIDBITS

1) The Shirley Temple beverage is named after the famous child actress. The Roy Rogers is named after the famous singing-cowboy actor.

2) So it was, the Betty Ponterio was named after the great woman who created this remarkable, versatile beverage.

3) For it was on an unseasonably warm October day that Betty the Antarctic Explorer uttered the fateful words, “Maybe drinks recipes with all that ice.”

4) It was all so blindingly obvious after she said it, but up until then no one in Antarctica had come up with a good use for all its ice.

5) Savvy British polar explorers brought back ice to the mother country. Soon all the British wanted ice in their drinks. No host or hostess would even consider throwing a party without plenty of ice.

6) Ice became more valuable than oil No government could hope to stay in power without an adequate ice stock pile. Nation after nation build up its navy to guard its ice transports. Land-locked countries, such as Austria, Paraguay, and Chad were screwed.

7) International tensions soared. We were on the precipice of a third world war.

8) Then Ms. Ponterio spoke up again, “Why not use the ice from your refrigerator’s ice makers? Why not buy bags of ice at your stores?”

9) The solution to world peace was that simple..Ice makers had been in fridges for years for no apparent reason. Same thing with ice sold at local supermarkets. People had never used that ice, so they never even saw it anymore. Thanks to Betty, we noticed the ice in our midst.. Easy ice at hand, we reduced our navies. We embraced peace. I expect a Noble Prize very soon for Ms. Ponterio.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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