Posts Tagged With: Chef Paul

Club Hell

Ancient Greek Hell (Hades) was a paler, grayer version of life on Earth. Everything was less substantial. Whereas on Earth, you could bench press 600 pounds, you’d be hard pressed to pick up a package from Amazon(tm). And my, its sky was perpetually overcast and gray, like a winter in Wisconsin or the Netherlands.

You wouldn’t like the Christian Hell of the Middle Ages either. Sure you felt much more energetic, but that was only so you acutely feel your skin bubbling from Hell’s intense fires.

So, both places suck.

But what if? What if you could merge the Greek hell with that Medieval hell? The temperatures would even out to a nice temperate temperature of say, 74 degrees. All the time. The Greek gray would be cancelled by the Hellish red of Middle Europe. This would certainly result in blue skies. It would. It would. You’d have Hell’s energy allied with Hades’ buff bods. What could be better than having a magnificent body on a lush, tropical island?

Club Hell(tm), people are dying to go there.

 

Greek hell                 and medieval Christian Hell yields                  Club Hell

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
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­My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word: Anti-productivity

We’ve all heard of productivity. We all know what it means. If we earned advanced degrees in economics or business,  this concept enters our dreams in dark and mysterious ways nearly every night.

Strange to say, use of productivity’s opposite is virtually non-existent.

It’s high time to correct this oversight.

TODAY’S AWESOME WORD

Anti-productivity

Awesome entry #9

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
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­My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Spam and Egg Musubi

Hawaiian Appetizer

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SPAM AND EGG MUSUBI

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INGREDIENTS
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1 cup sushi rice*
4 Nori (seaweed) sheeta
4 eggs
1½ tablespoons mirin**
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon sugar
no stick spray
1 12-ounce can SPAM(tm)
4 teaspoons furikake seasoning*** (½ teaspoon at a time) (optional)
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* = Substitute rices are: arborio, pudding, short-grain white, risotto, or cauliflower
** = Substitutes are: rice wine vinegar, white wine vinegar, white wine, sake, or dry sherry
*** = May be found online Or 2 teaspoons crumbled Nori and 2 teaspoons sesame seed.
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SPECIAL UTENSILS
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musubi mold (can be found online) or empty SPAM can.
2 12″-or-wider pans
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Serves 8. Takes 1 hour.
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PREPARATION
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Cook rice according to instructions on package. Cut Nori sheets into strips, each one about 2½”-to-3″ wide, Add eggs to mixing bowl. Scramble thoroughly with whisk or fork. Add mirin, soy sauce, and sugar to small mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until sugar dissolves completely.
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Cut SPAM into 8 equal slices along its width, each one about ⅜” wide, Spray large (12″) pan with no-stick spray. Add mixed eggs. Cover and fry  at low-medium heat for 5 minutes or until eggs set and achieve your desired level of doneness.  Remove eggs and set aside.
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Add SPAM slices to second 12″ pan. Fry at medium-heat for 3 minutes or until bottom of SPAM slices become crisp and start to brown. Flip SPAM slices. Fry at medium-heat for 1 minute 30 seconds or until new bottom of SPAM slices become crisp and start to brown. Reduce heat to low. Let pan cool for 1 minute. Ladle mirin/soy/sugar sauce over SPAM. Cook SPAM for 30 seconds on each side or until sauce thickens.
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Put scrambled eggs on flat surface. Use knife and musubi mold to make 8 egg cutouts that have the same shape as the SPAM slices
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Put Nori strip shiny side down on flat surface. Put mold on the middle of the Nori strip. (The length of the mold should stick out just a bit from the sides of the strip.) Place SPAM in mold. Put an egg cutout on SPAM in mold. Sprinkle egg with ½ teaspoon furikake. Put ¼ cup cooked rice into the mold. Level rice with spoon. Press down evenly with musubi mold until rice becomes molded and compact.
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Wrap Nori strip around stack. Put some grain of rice on the Nori strip where it comes together. Gently press the ends of the Nori strip together to make a seal. This is the musubi. Gently flip the musubi so that the Nori seal is on the bottom.
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TIDBITS
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1) SPAM and Egg Musubi looks like a bar of soap. This is no accident!
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2) The ancient Sumerians, way back before your parents we born, loved to be clean. But how could they? Dust storms stormed through the land depositing layers of dust deep enough on the inhabitants to impress even the most ardent archeologist.
3) Then on July 3, 2473 BC, a textile worker cried out to the earth goddess Ki, “My life sucks.” “Yes, child,” said Ki, “what troubles you so?”
“ I hate my name. It’s Ninsun. It means ‘wild lady cow.’”
“Oh my gosh,” said Ki, “from now on you shall be known as ‘Betty.’ It means ‘God is my oath.”
“Cool.” But Betty still fretted.
“What else disturbs you, child?”
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4) “I want to be beautiful. I wish to attract, Anzu the hunter. How can I do that when I’m perpetually caked in dirt?”
“Ah,” said the goddess, you are a textile worker, are you not?”
5) Synapses fired lickety split in Betty’s brain, for she was smarter than the average Sumerian textile worker. “Aha! “The fatty lanolin from the wool vats would work wicked wonders  as a cleaning agent and when added to lanoliney  water would create liquid soap. I can wash myself clean. I can get Anzu to be my husband. Cowabunga!”
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6) Betty and Anzu gave birth to a baby girl, Nanshe.  Nanshe next noticed nicely that when the liquid in the soapy dried out it became soap bars. The Soap-Nori Road would be born the next morning. This is why we know of Nanshe.
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7) Nanshe also sagely saw something soap shaped, but with egg and SPAM wrapped in Nori would be quite exciting and tasty. Especially so, when you considered that the average Sumerian meal consisted of bread, porridge, bread, and porridge.
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8) But it took years to trade for nori on the Soap-Nori Road. And there was no such thing as SPAM. However, the SPAM-and-Egg Musubi dream never died out.
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9) SPAM would be invented in 1937, and SPAM and Egg Musubi came about in the early 1980s.
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10) We are living in a golden age.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
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­My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word, Leveltripping

TODAY’S AWESOME WORD
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Leveltrippers
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Awesome entry #8

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
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­My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Why the Greek Gods Died Off

According to the ancient Greeks,  you tried hard to make your way the underworld, Hades. Hades was not as fun as life on Earth, but still much better than wandering the Earth forever as invisible and restless spirit. So you started your afterlife journey to Hades. Soon, you arrived at the river Styx. It was too wide and cold to swim. And really how man yancient Greeks new how to swim?

So, your only viable way to cross was by using Charon theBboatman’s ferry. Charon demanded a gold coin as his fee. No gold coin, no passage. No Hades.

So you made sure to have a gold coin on you in case you died. However, Achilles was cheap. He didn’t want give Charon a gold coin, when he the brave Achilles could spend it while alive. So he had only a chocolate coin to bay the Boatman. But as the chocolate coin came clad in gold-colored foil, it fooled Charon. Achilles thus crossed the river and made it into Hades.

But eventually there was a hot day in Hell. Achilles’ gold coin melted. He, Charon, had been cheated. If Achilles felt bold enough to pay his way with chocolate, why then all future Greeks would do the same.  The red mist descended around Charon. He wanted to kill every Greek hed meet. As all those people would already be dead, he wouldn’t even be able to do that.

He decided, there and then, to never again ferry people to Hades. Greeks soon learned of Charon’s no-ferry list. No Hades for them. So now what was the point of believing and sacrifing to the gods? So the Greeks stopped their sacrifices. The gods, deprived of their sustenance soon faded away.

This is why we no longer have Zeus, Athena, Poseidon, and the rest of that lot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Easy Poutine

Canadian Entree

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EASY POUTINE

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INGREDIENTS
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1½ pounds French fries
¾ pound cheese curds
1½ cups beef gravy
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Makes 4 bowls. Takes 35 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Cook French fries according to instructions on package. While French fries cook, warm gravy in small pot. Put fries on large plate. Place cheese curds on top of fries and ladle gravy over everything.
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TIDBITS
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1) We call this entree “Easy Poutine” because it has only three ingredients and is easy to make.
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2) Or maybe, it got its name from “Easy” Poutine of hockey fame. Easy Poutine’s real name was Farine Poutine. It still is.
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3) “Easy” didn’t mean she was an “easy” date. Oh no, Easy was an enforcer for the Sudbury Sirens All Canadian Ladies’ Hockey League, (ACLHL.)
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4) Indeed, Miss Poutine sent many an opponent player to the hospital. She also caused many dates who attempted non-consensual liberties to intensive wards. Not easy with her heart, you bet.
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5) In fact, sportswriters bestowed her nickname on her for the easy way she racked up uncontested goals, hat tricks even, game after game.
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6) Then, in 1945, World War II ceased. Most culinary historians agree that ending the massive bloodshed was on the whole, a good thing.
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7) Not so for Easy. The need for her vaunted strong-arm tactics evaporated with the onset of peace. She failed completely when she searched for a position in traditional female jobs; her violent reputation prevented her hire. She became an enforcer for the Canadian mob. She didn’t last. The underworld patriarchy made sure of that.
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8) The world soon lost track of Farine Poutine. Although, the Canada’s intelligence services would suspect her involvement whenever a small country’s government toppled from a violent coup.
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9) So be kind and give Easy Poutine a caring thought before digging into this delicious entree.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
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My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international, sports | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Danger Stalks This Blog

I’ve now blogged over 800 times in a row. I’ve never let anything stop me. Nothing. Not tummy aches. Not even inertia. But today a large herd of rather frustrated elephants stamped down my street. I barely outran them, Thank goodness, the pachyderms would pause to eat the peanuts I threw at them. I almost died! Oh my goodness! Exclamation points abound!!! If I had died, this blog would never been posted. The blogging streak would have ended. Being trampled to death, I wouldn’t have had the heart to start a new streak.

I know the cynics out there are saying, “Pish, you made this up, Paul. There are no stampeding elephants in Poway, my fair city, California.

Well look at the photo  below.

Elephant stampede in Poway. Proof you cannot deny.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: danger, lifestyle, Marked Safe From | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Misheard Christmas Hymn, Silent Night

Admit it, when you were little, instead of hearing “Round yon virgin,” you heard:

Misheard hymn #3

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: misheard | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Slow Cooker Kalua Pork With Cabbage

Hawaiian Appetizer

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SLOW COOKER KALUA PORK WITH CABBAGE

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INGREDIENTS
2½ pounds pork, butt, roast, or shoulder
4 teaspoons Hawaiian salt or Himalayan pink salt, fleur de sel, or coarse sea salt
1 tablespoon liquid smoke
½ head cabbage
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Serves 8. Takes 4 hours 50 minutes.
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PREPARATION
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Rub pork with Hawaiian salt. Add pork to slow cooker. Use fork to poke holes in pork. (This helps get liquid smoke into pork.) Pour liquid smoke onto pork. Cover and cook at high setting for 2 hours. Flip pork. Cover and cook at 2nd time at high setting for 1 hours 30 minutes.
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While pork cooks a 2nd time, cut cabbage into 1½” cubes. Place cabbage to side of pork. Cover again and cook a 3rd and final time at high setting for 30 minutes or until cabbage becomes tender. Use slotted spoon to add pork to serving bowl. Shred pork with two forks. Use slotted spoon to add cabbage to serving bowl. Mix with spatula or fork.
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Goes well with macaroni salad or rice.
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TIDBITS
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1) Norse mythologists hold the primary head god of the Vikings was Odin. Nose mythologists hold their noses. Culinary Norse mythologists believe that Kalua ruled Valhalla before Odin.
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2) Kalua cooked slowly, hence “Slow Cooker Kalua.” Kalua retorted that he cooked slowly because he cooked with a slow cooker. The other Norse gods yelled, “Na, na, poo, poo. We don’t care. Serve us now.”
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3) Kalua said, “I will serve my pork with cabbage when it’s ready and no sooner.”
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4) This didn’t sit well with the surly gods. Alternative lineages were given. The assemblage bandied about all sorts of words. The more irate divinities even conjugated Portuguese verbs incorrectly. Truly, Valhalla was ripe for revolution. The insurgents toppled Kalua, replacing him with Odin. The new All Father learned his lesson well. Out with slow cookers. In with the Valhalla caterers.
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5) Slow cookers would not reappear until the late 20th century. The Norse gods didn’t live to see it. Culinary historians say they disappeared with the onset of fast-cooking Christian missionaries. Something to remember when dining on this entree.
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– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary – Today’s Word, Pumawipe

We are alive become of you. Thank you, you magnificent sunbeam.

Awesome entry #8

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Paul's Awesome Dictionay | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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