Our schools teach us how to solve quadratic equations. Our schools teach us how to compose essays on 19th-century English literature. They do not teach real-life survival skills. Specifically, they do not point out what foods make us fart. Say what you will about researching a prospective employer, all will go to naught if you bombard the interviewer with a barrage of deep and sonorous toots. Particularly if your blasts are stinky. So with the public welfare in mind, I present the following list. You’re welcome.
The worst fart causing foods are*:
Bacon. Bacon! Bacon tastes great, worth any amount of farts.
Beans! What’s wrong with good ol’ reliable beans? “Beans, beans, the musical fruit . . . ”
Boiled cabbage. Smells like a fart when boiled. Still smells like a fart when farted.
Broccoli. There’s a reason President Bush didn’t like them.
Brussel sprouts. Must be tastier ways to construct a fart.
Candy: Especially if made with artificial sweeteners. Bad for the butt. Bad for the teeth. Bad at both ends.
Carrots: Improves your eyesight and more!
Cauliflower. Don’t let your dog eat this.
Cheese. Essential to modern cuisine, Italian, Mexican, you name it. Causes farts in countries around the world.
Collard Greens. Tasty if cooked right. Generates lethal farts either way.
Curry. The spice, not the actor.
Eggplant. Don’t let your dog eat this either.
Eggs. A versatile culinary ingredients. Eggs are essential to many fine dishes. Cooked by themselves, they are fart-making machies.
Fatty duck. Rendered goose fat is fantastic for making French fries. This dish is truly a doubled-cheeked sword.
French onion soup with cheese. Tastes great. The aroma changes on the way out, though.
Fried food, particularly fried chicken. Sometimes the taste is worth the consequences.
Frog legs. Why? Why? Why?
Lentils. Very vegetarian and vegan friendly. Not nose friendly.
Lutefisk. Smells horrible. Farting in a room with lutefisk will only make things smell better.
Milk. Especially if you have trouble breaking down lactose. Bowls of cereals, time bombs for the classroom.
Mushrooms. Slimy and fart causing.
Onion rings. Their taste will make guests want to come over. The farts will make them want to leave. Win. Win.
Pineapples. Visions of Hawaii. Odors of Hell.
Prunes. Makes you toot. Opens open your sluice gates as well.
Reconstituted beans. sulpher bombs. The ones backpackers use these on cross country trips. Your fellow trekkers will really believe they’re smelling a geyser or volcano.
Smoked oysters. Produce gourmet farts.
Snails with butter. Ew! Gross! Snails with anything are gross, expensive too. May I suggest beans?
Stuff canned in cottonseed oil. One of the food industry’s finest food-like products.
Tripe. Inards. Enough said. Stick with beans
* = Warning, results may vary.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.