Posts Tagged With: American

Matthew’s Pastrami Sandwich

American Entree

MATTHEW’S PASTRAMI SANDWICH

INGREDIENTS

8 slices rye, crusty deli bread, or French rolls*
⅓ cup Russian dressing
1½ pounds sliced pastrami**
4 slice Swiss cheese
2 cups coleslaw

SPECIAL UTENSIL***

aluminum foil

* = rye bread is by far the most popular bread for this sandwich. However, I’m listing substitutes as some people can’t abide rye.
** = This is a simple recipe, so the quality of the pastrami is particularly important.
*** = Omit this if you wish to eat a cold sandwich.

Serves 4. Takes 10 minutes if sandwiches are served cold, 30 minutes if the sandwiches are hot.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Wrap bread in aluminum foil. Bake at 300 degrees for 10 minutes. (Skip this step if you’re making cold sandwiches.) Spread Russian dressing over 2 slices. Add pastrami to bottom bread slice. Place 1 slice of Swiss on pastrami. Top with coleslaw. Complete sandwich by adding the top slice of bread.

TIDBITS

1) Look at the sandwich in the above picture. If you were to turn one of the sandwich halves upside down, you would still have a pastrami sandwich half. In fact, if you hadn’t done the flipping yourself upside down, you never would have been able to tell.

2) This very thing happened to the budding artist, Auguste Renoir. In 1859, he labored all summer painting the best pastrami sandwich the art world had seen or even would see. He painted with such style and such élan that the directors of the Escalier Galerie asked to display his masterpiece.

3) But quelles horreurs, the oaf in charge of exhibitions hung Renoir’s brilliant “Le sandwich au pastrami” upside down. None of the visiting art lovers nor any of the heads of France’s Académie Française noticed this mistake. No, not enough to articulate their artistic uneasiness. But mon Dieu, their psyches did. The viewers’ souls recoiled. The masses, without knowing why, turned away from Renoir. The painting elite also shunned the young Auguste. Renoir shook his fists at the heavens. “Bah, never again will I faithfully painting reality. Mais non, I shall quickly paint my impressions of life. Nothing more. He did and to his lasting amazement, he became one of the pillars of the impressionist movement. Now you know.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Applesauce

American Appetizer

APPLESAUCE

INGREDIENTS

8 apples
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1¼ cups water
1 teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon ground cloves
⅓ cup white or brown sugar

SPECIAL UTENSILS

food processor
2 mason or other airtight jars. (Enough for 4-to-6 cups.)

Makes 4-to-6 cups depending on the size of the apples.. Takes 45 minutes.

PREPARATION

Core and peel apples. Cut each apple into 8 wedges. Put apple wedges, lemon juice, and water into large pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 20 minutes or until apple wedges soften and start to fall apart. Add cinnamon, ground cloves, and sugar. Stir with spoon until sugar melts completely.

Add contents of pot to food processor. Blend until you obtain you get applesauce with the consistency that you desire.

TIDBITS

1) You can see a swirl in the applesauce shown in the picture above. Doesn’t it look like a whirlpool? Can you imagine what applesauce would look like if it filled a bowl five miles wide? Poe knows.

2) For In 1841 an explosion rocked Thorvald Applesauce Factory. An avalanche of applesauce streaked down the hill in the nearby Maelström whirpool. The force of the raging applesauce combined with the centrifugal of the Maelström to combine the mother of all eddies, an out of control whirlpool that sucked all ships that came too close.

3) On of those ships was the SS Bunion. The Bunion shattered as it careened off the water walls of the eye of the massive vortex. Many died in the Maelström. Passenger Edgar Allan Poe did not. He survived by clutching to a wooden beam. Poe described his ordeal in his famous story, “Descent into the Maelström.” Poe did omit any mention of the applesauce tsunami, holding that nobody would believe it. However, the Norwegians believed and founded the prestigious Eplesaus Katastrofe Institutt to develop measures to forestall the enormous destructive power of unleashed applesauce.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Brown Sugar Smoked Salmon

American Entree

BROWN SUGAR SMOKED SALMON

INGREDIENTS

3 tablespoons brown sugar
1 teaspoon dill
1 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
2 pounds salmon fillets
vegetable oil

SPECIAL UTENSILS

smoker
electric thermometer
wood chips (apple, cherry, and alder are the most popular)

Serves 6. Takes 3 hours 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add brown sugar, dill, pepper, and salt to small mixing bowl. Blend thoroughly with whisk. This is the rub. Cut salmon into 6 fillets. Pat salmon fillets dry. Rub an equal amount of rub all over the meat sides of each fillet. Let fillets sit in refrigerator for 2 hours.

30 minutes before fillets have finished refrigerating, brush grills in smoker with vegetable oil. This prevents the fish from sticking. Preheat smoker to 220 degrees. When temperature of smoker reaches 220 degrees, place fillets meat side up on grills. Smoke salmon until its internal temperature reaches 150 degrees. It should take about 1 hour 15 minutes, depending on your smoker. The salmon fillets should be pink and flaky.

TIDBITS

1) Plates are round because alien spaceships were round. Alien UFOs were living things. Aliens conquered Earth 66 million years ago. The outer spacers treated our dinosaurs most horribly. A scant million years later the dinos formulated their plan of rebellion, “Rush ‘em, crush ‘em, chomp ‘em.” The uprising was succeeding! Hooray! All the dinosaurs looked up and did a happy dance.

3) But the huge mother spaceship, it really was a mother, beamed a huge death ray at the rampaging dinos. The ray, however, merely reflected off the rebels’ cat-like eyes, disintegrating the mother ship. Circular living bits fell to Earth. Whenever the dinos laid eggs they did so on these bits, for the smarter dinosaurs knew round things can’t grow if weighed down. Today, we weigh down our round plates with food, just in case they are spaceship babies. When we’re not using our plates, we stack them in the cupboard for the same reason. You can’t be too careful with space aliens.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Buttermilk Ranch Dressing

American Appetizer

BUTTERMILK RANCH DRESSING

INGREDIENTS – MIX

1 cup buttermilk powder
2½ teaspoons dill weed
4 teaspoons garlic powder
1 tablespoon onion flakes
4 teaspoons onion powder
6 tablespoons parsley
2 teaspoon salt

INGREDIENTS – DRESSING

½ cup mayonnaise
⅔ cup milk
½ cup sour cream

SPECIAL UTENSIL

mason jar or other airtight jar

Makes 1⅔ cups mix. Takes 5 minutes, Mix keeps for about 6 months.
Makes 14 cups dressing (1⅔ cups at a time.) Dressing keeps for up to a week in refrigerator.

PREPARATION – MIX

Aid all mix ingredients to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Transfer to mason jar.

PREPARATION – DRESSIN

Add 3 tablespoons from above mix and all dressing ingredients to mixing bowl. Stir with whisk or fork until well blended. Transfer to mason jar. Refrigerate for 30 minutes before serving.

TIDBITS

1) Cowboys herd cows. Playwrights write about cows. See Shakespeare’s lost classic, “Two Cows of Padua.” Buttermilkboys, however, herd buttermilk cows. Buttermilk cows give buttermilk.

2) Shakespeare is one of the very few to have made a living from writing. Indeed, even he had to take on a second job as a cow righter to make ends. A cow righter is a farm hand whose job is to right the cows that have been tipped over by hooligans during the night. You have to be quite strong to push up a tipped-over cow. Shakespeare was quite buff. A list of history’s top muscular cow-righting/playwrights also includes: Sophocles, Henrik Ibsen, Oscar Wilde, and Neil Simon.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Fluffernutter Sandwich

American Entree

FLUFFERNUTTER SANDWICH

INGREDIENTS

2 slices white bread
1 glop* marshmallow fluff**
1 glop creamy peanut butter

* = A precise scientific term meaning the amount of peanut butter, or fluff, that you want to spread with a knife.
** = See preceding recipe for marshmallow fluff. Or buy it at stores if you live in Massachusetts or its neighboring states. It can also found online.

Serves 1. Takes 3 minutes.

PREPARATION

Spread peanut butter on one bread slice. Spread marshmallow fluff on other. Put bread slices together.

TIDBITS

1) It takes a little skill to cut a fluffernutter sandwich in two. If you slice too slowly or press down with a dull knife, you will most likely squoosh the marshmallow fluff out of the sandwich.

2) “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” – Newton’s Third Law of Motion.

3) Isaac Newton invented the fig newton.

4) On July 18, 1673, Isaac tried to cut a fig newton in half with a dull knife. The slow impact of his knife pushed two halves apart. Figgy stuff came out of the newton pieces. “Wow,” he said, “this gives me an idea. With a big enough knife, perhaps 100 yards long and a large enough fig newton, perhaps 50 yards by 50 yards, I could propel my mansion to the moon.” Space travel looked to be a few years away.

5) But no, just a few minutes after having this brainstorm, his comely maid, Sarah Bellum, sashayed by wearing a tight-fitting dress. Sir Isaac’s blood flowed away from his brain and space travel would be forgotten for three centuries.

6) Then in 1958, Pedro Erickson, head chef at NASA’s two-MichelinTM star restaurant served fluffernutter sandwiches to the engineers. He cut a sandwich in half. The two sandwich halves moved ever so slightly apart while marshmallow fluff oozed out the cut. “Aha,” cried Peter Pepper, “we can use solid-state fuel to propel our rockets. If not with marshmallow fluff, then with something else.” And with that explosive idea, NASA’s mission to space would really take off.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Smoked Paprika Chicken

American Entree

SMOKED PAPRIKA CHICKEN

INGREDIENTS

2 teaspoons brown sugar
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon garlic powder
½ tablespoon garlic salt
2 teaspoons paprika
1 teaspoon pepper
2 teaspoons sea salt
5 chicken breasts
1 bags wood chips (alder, apple, maple, olive, pecan, or walnut)

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric smoker
digital thermometer (if your smoker doesn’t have one)
tin foil

Serves 5. Takes 2 hours.*

PREPARATION

Preheat smoker to 225 degrees. Add all ingredients except chicken breasts and wood chips to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until spice mix is well blended. Rub spice mix equally over chicken breasts. Add wood chips to smoker. Add spiced chicken to smoker. Smoke chicken at 225 degrees until internal temperature of chicken is at least 165 degrees. The thermometer should be inserted into the thicket part of the meat.

Check every 15 minutes. This should take 1-to-2 hours.* If you’re lucky, your smoker will be set up so that your smart phone will tell you when it’s done. Carefully remove chicken breasts from smoker, place them on a plate, cover them with tin foil, and let sit for 15 minutes.

* = Please note that the various smokers perform differently. So, check the manual for placement of chicken in smoker, cooking temperature, how to use wood chips, and other pertinent information.

TIDBITS

1) The Southern tobacco crop failed in 1858. Desperate good ol’ boys took to smoking spinach, cauliflower, and squash. These all proved to be quite distasteful failures. In 1859, Andrew Calhoun rolled paprika-spiced chicken in his cigarette papers. It tasted great. Things were fine. Then, in 1860, Lincoln ran for president on the anti-smoked chicken platform. Prominent Southerners claimed he was trying to destroy their way of life. The South seceded. But the North won the Civil War and banned chicken smoking. This is why we only smoke tobacco.

– Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hot Fudge Sundae

American Dessert

HOT FUDGE SUNDAE

INGREDIENTS

2 tablespoons corn syrup or honey
7 tablespoons heavy cream (⅔ cup more later)
⅓ cup sugar
7 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
3 tablespoons butter, softened
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
⅔ cup heavy cream or whipped cream
2 cups vanilla ice cream
chopped peanuts as desired
maraschino cherries as desired

SPECIAL UTENSILS

food processors
sundae glasses

Serves 4. Takes 25 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add corn syrup, 7 tablespoons heavy cream, and sugar to pan. Simmer at low heat until sugar completely dissolves. Stir frequently. Add chocolate chips. Simmer at low heat until chocolate chips melt completely and blend in with heavy cream/sugar mixture. Stir frequently. Add butter and vanilla extract.. Simmer at low heat until butter melts and blends in with heavy cream/chocolate mixture. Stir frequently. This is the hot fudge. Remove from heat.

Add ⅔ cup heavy cream to food processor. Blend until you get whipped cream. Pour just enough hot fudge into sundae glasses, cups, or bowls to cover the bottom. Add equal amounts of ice cream to each glass. Top ice creams with an equal amount of hot fudge. Garnish with whipped cream, chopped peanuts, and cherries.

TIDBITS

1) The first Summer Olympics took place in Athens, Greece in 1896. These games started with the official eating of the hot fudge sundae which was made locally.

2) There were no opening ceremonies for the 1900 Summer Olympics in Paris. The official hot fudge sundae melted en route or got eaten by an Olympic relay runner. After waiting fruitlessly for a replacement sundae to arrive, an exasperated starting official said, “Screw it, let the games begin.”

3) In 1928, Olympic officials decided to reinstate the opening ceremony with a flame brought from Athens. This worked. They also shortened the opening ceremonial line to “Let the games begin.”

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Chicken Popper

American Entree

BACON WRAPPED JALAPENO CHICKEN POPPER

INGREDIENTS

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
½ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
4 ounces cream cheese, softened
4 ounces diced, roasted jalapenos
½ cup grated cheddar cheese (2 tablespoons at a time)
12 slices bacon

SPECIAL UTENSILS

kitchen mallet
toothpicks
wire rack
no-stick spray
baking pan This entree won the American Civil War.

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add chicken breasts to flat surface. Rub pepper and salt into chicken breasts. Put one plastic sheet under chicken breast and another over. Pound chicken with kitchen mallets until it is ¼-to-½” thin. Cut cream cheese into 4 long rectangles. Add 1 cream-cheese rectangle to middle of chicken breast. Flatten cream cheese with spatula. Sprinkle ¼ of diced jalapeno over cheese. Sprinkle 2 tablespoons cheddar cheese over jalapeno. Roll up chicken breast. and wrap with 3 slices bacon. Secure with toothpicks. Repeat for the remaining chicken breasts.

Spray wire rack with no-stick spray. Place pan in bottom rack setting of oven. (To collect drippings.) Put wire rack in the first rack setting over cooking pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. Move wire rack to the top spot of the oven. (Careful, use kitchen mitts.) Increase temperature to 425 degrees and broil for 6 minutes. Turn poppers over and broil for another 6 minutes or until bacon is crispy.

TIDBITS

1) Confederate Armies during the Civil War subsisted on taste-free crackers. Union forces, however, feasted on scrumptious BWJCPs. This difference in diet gave Billy Yank s a morale boost over Johnny Reb. Indeed, Billy Yank would taunt his foes by tossing BCWJCPs high in the air. The Southern will to fight soon crumbled. Bitter Southerners would not forget. They practiced passing long distances in the hopes of establishing football supremacy should that sport ever be invented. This is why Southern Universities have won one national football title after another.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Smoked Sirloin Roast

American Entree

SMOKED SIRLOIN ROAST

INGREDIENTS

3½ pounds top sirloin roast
5 tablespoons Montreal steak spice
2 tablespoons sea salt
2 cups wood chips: hickory, mesquite, or oak

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric smoker
kitchen string
digital thermometer (if your smoker doesn’t have one)

Serves 6. Takes 2 hours.*

PREPARATION

Preheat electric smoker to 250 degrees. Trim off excess fat from sirloin roast. Rub both sides with Montreal steak spice and sea salt. Roll up sirloin and tie it with kitchen string.

Add wood chips to electric smoker. Add sirloin to basket in smoker. Smoke until internal temperature, as measured by thermometer, reads 145 degrees. This will take about 2 hours.* The thermometer should be inserted into the thicket part of the meat. Check every 15 minutes after 1 hour. If you’re lucky, your smoker will be set up so that your smart phone will tell you when it’s done. Carefully remove basket from smoker and let sit 10 minutes. Carve and serve.

* = Please note that the various smokers perform differently. So, check the manual for placement of sirloin in smoker, cooking temperature, how to use wood chips, and other pertinent information.

TIDBITS

1) To serve six million people, simply multiply the ingredients and the number of special utensils by one million. Except for the ball of kitchen string. Simply get a ball of string that’s large enough. Buying ingredients for that number of guests will cost a lot of money. This is where your enormous ball of string comes in. People will pay good money to see a string ball that big. Why it would have a diameter (Does quick calculation in head.) of at least 25 feet. That’s all? Sorry, you’re on your own with expenses.

2) Then there’s the problem of finding 1,000,000 outlets. Even if you used every outlet in your city of 50,000, your smokers’ power surges would bring down your municipality’s power grid. The Pentagon, of course, knows this, and has plans to air drop millions of slow cookers and tons of ingredients around Russia’s nuclear basses. The resultant power surges will disable Russia’s entire nuclear capability. Now you know how the world will be safe.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Vanilla Bean Ice Cream

American Dessert

VANILLA BEAN ICE CREAM

INGREDIENTS

1 vanilla bean
2 cups heavy cream
1 cup sugar
1⅓ cups warm whole milk
4 large egg yolks

SPECIAL UTENSIL

ice cream maker or churn

Serves 4. Takes 9 hours or more.

PREPARATION

Cut the vanilla bean in half lengthwise. Scrape out seeds with a small knife. Keep the pod. Add vanilla-bean seeds, vanilla-bean pod, heavy cream, sugar, and whole milk into pot. Simmer mixture at low heat until it is scalding (about 175 degrees). Stir gently and constantly. Remove from heat.

Add egg yolks to large mixing bowl and beat lightly with whisk. Add hot cream/milk mixture slowly to egg yolks while whisking gently. Add hot cream/milk/yolk mixture to pot. Heat mixture at low-medium heat until it thickens and leaves a trail on spoon.

Put pot in large mixing bowl. Add ice cubes to mixing bowl. Remove vanilla-bean pod. Cover and chill until in refrigerator. Churn hours later and then freeze according to instructions from ice cream maker. Serve to adoring quests.

TIDBITS

1) Eegah Olduvai, son of Ugg Olduvai, grandson of Ogg Olduvai, great grandson of Lucy, the first human, glanced up at the blazing Sun. He sweated so in the intense heat. So did the whole Oldivai tribe. Their sweat ran down their legs to the baked earth, merging into one rivulet. Nothing big mind you, a scant inch in width, but enough to give birth to the Nile River. In time, the Nile would expand until Egypt itself would be called the Gift of the Nile.

2) Meanwhile, Eegah craved something tasty, something to cool himself down, but what? His wife, her name sadly lost to history, suggested an refreshing ice cream. But there was no ice in Oldivai Gorge. There were no dairy cows. So they would search for ingredients. Perhaps they’d find them the next gorge, the next valley. If not there, they would trek forever until they found ice and heavy whipping cream. Thus began the human race’s great migration to all the continents of the world.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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