humor

Descruffifying a Runway Model – Day One

Gentle readers,

The razor is dead! Long live the razor! I ordered a new razor. In the meantime, I had let my face get scruffy. One of the homesteaders tolerated my scruffiness as long as I didn’t have a razor. The razor, it arrived. The homesteader pooh poohed the idea of any current razor working. Alas, I chose my razor too well. It works. The homesteader, then wanted me to shave off all my scruff.

But I had in the meantime published the photo of me in my full, glorious scruffiness. Adoring fans pleaded for me to keep the scruff. My modeling agency liked the new look. They loved the new contracts it would bring in. However, all these people are far, the homesteader is near. I had a problem. What to do?

I shall descruffify in steps. Today, I shaved the cheeks and the chin. I now sport a rather snappy fu Manchu. Tomorrow, a little bit more will disappear. It’s a bit like inoculating oneself against the plague, a horrible future surely. However, if your body is prepared for such an event, you can proceed with you life. In the same way, we will be able to go on when you have to live our lives without my scruff.

Courage, my friends, we will get through this trying time together. I will still be a supermodel.

 

 

Right: Day 1 of descruffication.
(Taken by me. This is why the agency has a photographer.)

 

 

Left: Full scruff
(Taken by agency’s photographer)

 

Supermodel Paul De Lancey

 

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Advertisements
Categories: humor, Paul De Lancey | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Scruffy Face Behind This Blog

Gentle readers,

My electric razor recently died. I ordered a new razor. It took over a week to arrive. This gave me an opportunity to scruffify my face; a hairy face usually meets  with stern disapproval on the home front. Anyway, my replacement razor just arrived. The moustache, the beard, the feral hairy growth will be gone by this evening. I bid fond farewell to my scruffiness. You will be missed.

 

Right photo: my scruffy face. (Some of the scruff, was light colored and didn’t show up. It was scruff, nonetheless.)

 

 

Supermodel Paul De Lancey

 

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

 

 

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Mr. Wisdom Says, Heat Rises in California

This is based on a true story. My family and I moved to Holland when I was a kid. My mother and I were looking for a house to rent. The real-estate agent showed us a place that didn’t have any heating on the second floor, just on the first. My mother expressed concern. The agent told us, “Not to worry, heat rises in Holland.”

 

Paul R. De Lancey, sage

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: humor, Mr. Wisdom | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Shopping Etiquette Tip #1

 

It seems that supermarkets  are overrun with people who don’t know how to act. Fair enough. Here’s the first tip

Paul De Lancey, Citizens for Safe and Pleasant Supermarkets (CFSPS)

 

 

 

 

 

 
cookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

 

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

Beef, Herb, and Yogurt Soup (Aashe Mast)

Iranian Soup

BEEF, HERB, AND YOGURT SOUP
(Aashe Mast)

INGREDIENTS

2 garlic cloves
1 large onion
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon turmeric
½ pound ground beef
⅓ cup long grain rice
4½ cups water
3 cups Greek yogurt or plain yogurt
¼ cup fresh chives*
¼ cup fresh cilantro*
¼ cup fresh parsley*
1 15-ounce can chickpeas (aka garbanzos beans)
¼ cup fresh mint*

* = Substitute 4 teaspoons dried herbs for 4 tablespoons fresh herbs.

Serves 8. Takes 1 hour 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves and onion. Add onion, garlic, pepper, salt, turmeric, and ground beef to large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until well blended. Use hands to make ½” -to-1″ meatballs. Add rice, water, yogurt, chives, cilantro, and parsley to large pot. Simmer on low heat for 30 or until rice softens. Stir frequently. Add meatballs and chickpeas. Simmer on low heat for 20 minutes. Stir occasionally and gently. Garnish with mint.

TIDBITS

1) Earth, Wind, and Fire, a superb American band (1969 to present.) has excelled in many genres including : R&B, soul, funk, disco, Latin, and African. It’s in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, has earned a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and has played for President Obama.

2) Alas, not all bands succeed . The Iranian group Beef, Herb, and Yogurt (1977-1979) rocked the musical genres of cuisine and bubble-gum love. Their song, “I give you my saffron and my heart” was the number-two Iranian song of 1978 . The shah of Iran even invited them to play for him in early 1979. The Iranian Revolution broke out a scant two weeks later. The Shah was deposed. The police hunted all supporters of the previous regime. Beef, Herb, and Yogurt, tied to the Shah by their command performance, fled to the U.S.. Stigmatized unfairly by Americans who blamed them for the storming of the American embassy, they never played again. The band members eventually opened up an Iranian restaurant in Dubuque, Iowa, where they have been trying to blend in.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Soul by Darth Vader, Armor by American Standard

Look at the photos below.

stormtroopertoilet

 

The armor and the toilet are made of the same stuff. Are storm troopers really transformers that can turn themselves into toilets as the need arises? Or did American StandardTM or KohlerTM submit the lowest bid when the Imperial armor order come up? Was Darth Vader that cost conscious? Why do storm troopers always miss? Might it have something to do with men and toilets?

Paul De Lancey, keen observercookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How to Say All Over the World, “No lutefisk, please, it makes me ill. Where is the nearest taco truck?”

lutefisktacotruck

“No lutefisk, please, it makes me ill. Where is the nearest taco truck?”

I used GoogleTM Translate to translate the above phrases into the following languages. You might never need to use these words in your global travels, but do you want to take that chance? Read and remember.

Afrikaans – Geen lutefisk, asseblief, dit maak my siek. Waar is die naaste taco vragmotor?
Albanian – No lutefisk, ju lutem, kjo më bën të sëmurë. Ku është më i afërt kamion taco?
Arabic – لا lutefisk، من فضلك، يجعلني سوء. أين هي أقرب شاحنة تاكو؟ (Apparently, this language doesn’t have a word for lutefisk. Who knew?)
Chichewa – palibe lutefisk, chonde, IT kupanga chilichonse choipa. uli yapafupi taco galimoto?
Chinese, traditional – 沒有lutefisk,請,這讓我生病。 最近的taco卡車在哪裡?(What? The Chinese don’t have a word for tacos and they have nuclear weapons. Oh, this doesn’t sound good.)
Dutch – Geen lutefisk, alsjeblieft, het enig ziek. Waar is de dichtstbijzijnde taco truck?
French – Pas lutefisk, s’il vous plaît, IT faire tout mauvais. Où est le camion taco le plus proche?
German – Kein lutefisk, bitte, IT jeder krank machen. Wo ist der nächste LKW Taco?
Greek – Δεν lutefisk, παρακαλώ, αυτό με κάνει να άρρωστος. Πού είναι το πλησιέστερο taco φορτηγό; (What? The Greeks don’t have a word for taco and they call their country the Cradle of Western Thought?)
Hindi – कोई lutefisk, कृपया, यह मुझे बीमार बना देता है। निकटतम टैको ट्रक कहां है? (See? You can order a taco in India. All you have to do is read Hindi and pronounce it correctly.)
Hungarian – Nem lutefisk, kérem, ez teszi beteggé. Hol van a legközelebbi taco teherautó?
Latin – Lutefisk non placet, si male me. Ubi est proxima taco dolor? (If by accident you end up in ancient Rome, you’ll be able to ask for a taco truck?)
Polish – Nie lutefisk, proszę, to sprawia, że chory. Gdzie jest najbliższy ciężarówka taco?
Russian – Нет лютефиск, пожалуйста, это не делает меня больным. Где находится ближайший тако грузовик? (The fact that the country is run by an opportunistic dictator must be balance with the fact that Russians have a word for taco.)
Scots Gaelic – Chan eil lutefisk, feuch, tha mi tinn. Càite bheil a ‘fhaisge taco làraidh?
Spanish – Sin lutefisk, por favor, TI tiene ningún enfermo. ¿dónde está el camión de tacos más cercano?
Swedish – Ingen lutefisk snälla, gör mig sjuk. Var finns närmaste taco lastbil?
Vietnamese – Không LUTEFISK, xin vui lòng, nó làm cho tôi bị bệnh. Trường hợp là xe tải taco gần nhất? (Vietnam has no word for lutefisk. Had France and America known this the Vietnam War might never been fought.)
Yiddish – ניט קיין לוטעפיסק, ביטע, עס מאכט מיר קראַנק. ווו איז די ניראַסט טאַקאָ טראָק?

My spell checker went nuts with this blog.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

 

Categories: cuisine, humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

101 Meals For Unwanted guests

aspic2

 

Sure, you spend a lot of time creating scrumptious meals for special friends and loved ones. But you’ll feel all squooshy inside when they dig into your culinary creation, ask for thirds, scrape the plate clean, and give you a smile that warms and energizes your tired heart. Then they say, “This was absolutely delicious. I appreciate every hour you spent creating this for me. I can tell this was a labor of love, because I love this food more than any food I’ve ever eaten,” and life can’t get any better.

Then there are the blighters who invite themselves over for a month without even a consultation, who unaccountably are allowed to stay by the rest of the family, who expect dinner to always be ready at a time that’s early for you, and who feel no remorse about showing up with fast food, without calling to check with you, see that you’re about to serve a gourmet meal,  sit down at the table and eat their fast-food sandwiches without apology or comment.

What to do? You want revenge. Sure, but murder is illegal. Help me, you cry! Fret not, unappreciated host and chef, I am here to help.

Drive them out with unappealing food. Come over to the dark culinary side with these people-chasing recipes from my cookbook, 101 Meals for Unwanted Guests. These acid inducing recipes, inspired by the strange cuisine of 1050s America, will make the unwanted guests skedaddle out of your house lickety-split. You”ll have your house back and your kitchen back. And isn’t all that matters.

frontceb

Check out my novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com,

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: food, humor | 2 Comments

My Resolutions for 2017

Every one should have goals. Otherwise, how can we improve ourselves? Here are my resolutions for the new year.

  1. Never eat lutefisk.nemesis
  2. Never eat mushrooms.
  3. Nap only when I’m asleep.
  4. Understand my new cell phone.
  5. Take advantage of the amazing healing properties of tacos.
  6. Kill no one blocking the aisles in a supermarket with their cart.
  7. Double my Slovenian vocabulary.
  8. Understand my new cell phone.
  9. Lose weight, gain weight, or stay the same.
  10. Avoid fomenting revolution.
  11. Do better on Dancing With the StarsTM or at least no worse.
  12. Understand my new cell phone.
  13. Read books.
  14. Not get angry at other drivers. This will entail baby steps. I will start from the inside of my home and work my way up to the road.
  15. Make a recipe from Croatia.
  16. Understand my new cell phone.
  17. Conduct more gravitational experiments. No, no, not the same thing as dropping things. Not the same thing at all.
  18. Become one with a bubble bath.
  19. Master tiramisu.
  20. Understand my new cell phone.
  21. Watch the last season of “How I Met Your Mother.” It’s good to see things through. Builds character.
  22. Write in complete sentences.
  23. Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cut in half diagonally.
  24. Understand my new cell phone.

Wish me luck.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Happy Festus

Greetings from the Old West

happyfestus2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Holidays.

Paul De Lancey, raconteur, doctor, and gunslingercookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

 

Categories: humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: