What do you get for that special someone who has everything? Why a gift certificate for a restaurant restroom, of course. This memorable present is sure to take your relationship to an entirely new level.
– Paul R. De Lancey, gift advisor
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Indonesian Entree
INGREDIENTS
1½ cups rice
1 pound chicken breasts
2 garlic cloves
2 green onions
1 shallot
1 inch gingerroot
1 large carrot
1 chile pepper, red or green
½ small cucumber
1 tablespoon sesame oil (1 additional teaspoon later)
2 tablespoons peanut oil
1 teaspoon sambal oelek or hot chili sauce
2 teaspoons fish sauce or Hoisin sauce or soy sauce
3 tablespoons ketjap manis or soy sauce
1 teaspoon dried shrimp
½ pound peeled and deveined shrimp
2 eggs
Makes 6 bowls. Takes 40 minutes
SPECIAL UTENSIL
spice grinder
PREPARATION
Cook rice according to instructions on packet. Shred chicken into thin strips. Mince garlic cloves, green onions, and shallot. Grind gingerroot into fine paste. Dice carrot and chile pepper. Peel and thinly slice cucumber.
Add 1 tablespoon sesame oil, garlic, green onion, ginger, shallot, and chile pepper to first pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion and shallot softens. Stir frequently. Add peanut oil, shredded chicken, carrot, sambal oelek, fish sauce, ketjap manis, and dried shrimp to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for about 5 minutes or until chicken turns golden brown. Add shrimp and sauté on medium heat for 4 minutes or until shrimp turns orange.
While chicken and then shrimp sauté, add eggs and 1 teaspoon sesame oil to second pan. Fry eggs on medium heat for about 3 minutes or until done to desired level. Remove eggs and cut into thin strips. Add garlic/onion/gingeroot mix, shredded-chicken mix, rice, and egg strips to large serving bowl. Toss ingredients together. Garnish with cucumber slices.
TIDBITS
1) Shrimp can only swim backward.
2) The ability to walk backward is a highly praised trait among tour guides.
3) You’d think shrimp would be naturals as tour guides, but their limited life expectancy out of water and their, let’s face it, complete inability to speak is a real resume stain.
4) Uncooked shrimp are called “œgreen.” If you know this, you will win on JeopardyTM.
5) Male shrimp cannot get pregnant, just like human males.
6) However, in startling contrast, women usually give birth to one baby, while female shrimp pop out up to one-million eggs.
7) This is why baby-naming books for shrimp are extremely popular and long.
8) If you haven’t seen these books, it is because these books are only found on the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico or the sea floors of other seas where shrimp woo, marry, and engage in whoopee.
9) Shrimp raised in shrimp farms do not have access to baby-naming books. This is why captive shrimp always name their male babies, “Robert” and their female offspring, “Marie.”
10) The average shrimp is about 6″ long, while the longest extended to16″. In contrast, the average penis measures 5.1″, with the longest one topping out at 13.5″
11) Hence the famous saying, “Is that a shrimp in your pocket or are you happy to see me?”
12) People’s eyes have only 3 different photoreceptive cones, while shrimp have 16. We can only imagine what vivid colors these crustaceans see, what vivid art they could produce.
13) Unfortunately, shrimp only paint in water colors which run immediately in their underwater abodes. Their art disappears immediately. We never get to see their creations. So we eat them instead.
14) Shrimp are slowly but surely evolving defense systems to fight back. Indeed, the mantis already possesses fast and powerful claws. They can break aquarium glass.
15) You no doubt recall the chaos and the terror that occurred when ten-million mantis shrimps staged a mass break out of the aquarium at Fort Lagniappe, Louisiana. The entire town disappeared under a wave of crabby crustaceans. It was only when the Air Force bombed the shrimp with hot garlic-butter sauce that the threat was contained. Every May 9th since then has been known as National Shrimp Day.
16) To ensure manageable levels of shrimp, the federal government promotes the inclusion of bacon-wrapped shrimp in school lunches. If your school’s cafeteria does not carry this entree, by all means, contact your congressman at once.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Emirati Entree
INGREDIENTS – CHICKEN AND MARINADE
2 pounds chicken breasts
½ teaspoon ginger
3 garlic cloves
¼ teaspoon allspice
1 teaspoon cardamom
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 tablespoon garam masala
1 teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon red chili flakes
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup plain yogurt
4 tablespoons vegetable or olive oil
1 egg
3½ tablespoons lemon juice
no-stick spray
INGREDIENTS – SALAD
1 cucumber
2 tablespoons fresh cilantro
1 tomato
1 cup lettuce, shredded
2 tablespoons pomegranate seeds (It’s cheaper to buy a pomegranate and scoop out the seeds.)
INGREDIENTS – DRESSING
1½ tablespoons fresh cilantro
1½ tablespoons fresh mint
3 tablespoons lemon juice
⅓ cup tahini sauce
1 cup plain yogurt
INGREDIENTS – ASSEMBLY
6 pita loves
Makes 6 pita sandwiches. Takes 40 minutes for preparation and 2-to-3 hours to marinate.
PREPARATION – CHICKEN AND MARINADE
Cut chicken into strips ¼” thick. Mince garlic. Add all chicken-and-marinade ingredients to large mixing bowl. Mix by hand until ingredients are well blended and chicken strips are thoroughly coated. Marinate in refrigerator for 2-to-3 hours.
Add marinated chicken to skillet. Cook at medium-high heat for 10 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink inside and marinade is nearly dried out. Stir occasionally.
PREPARATION – SALAD
Peel and dice cucumber. Dice cilantro and tomato. Shred lettuce. Use fork to combine all salad ingredients in mixing bowl.
PREPARATION – DRESSING
Mince cilantro and mint. Add all dressing ingredients to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk until well blended.
PREPARATION – ASSEMBLY
Add pita loves to second skillet. Use medium heat for 1 minute or until pita loaves are warm. Turn over at least once. Divide salad equally among pita loaves. Top loaves amount of chicken and marinade. Ladle dressing over chicken and marinade. Shoot anyone who says you left out an ingredient. Be sure to revert to your role as a gracious host before serving. Manners matter.
TIDBITS
1) Shawarma is in an anagram for “Has a warm.”
2) Has a warm what?
3) This is the poser that has bedeviled humanity ever since it started painting millennia ago. This might be our ultimate question, followed only by, “What happens to all those socks that disappear while in my clothes dryer?”
4) Lest you doubt, the phrase, “Has a warm” can clearly be seen in the prehistoric paintings in the famous Lascaux Caves of France.
5) However, a few decades ago, archeologists–whoa, I spelled that correctly on the first try–gave up trying to figure out what word or words would complete the sentence started by “Has a warm.”
6) The French government closed those caves to all but a few people so as to spare their archeologists further embarrassment.
7) If you take out the “r” in “archeologist” you get “acheologist.” An acheologist studies pains. Similarly, a painologist studies pains. What is the difference between an acheologist and a painologist? Two years of graduate stiudy? Kinda like the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist.
8) An ologist studies olos.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
I’ve craved all my life the recognition of climbing a mountain. Now I have proof, as you can see in the picture shown to the right. You have to pass the rigorous test of having enough money to buy the decal. Not content with this test, I opted for advanced quizzing as evinced by the following conversation:
Me: I noticed this sticker says, “I climbed Cadillac Mountain.”
National Park Gift Shop Employee (NPGSE): Yes, it does.
Me: That’s different from, “I climbed the entire mountain.”
NPGSE: That’s right.
Me: So, it’s perfectly okay to count the climbing I did around here as climbing the mountain.
NPGSE: I think so.
There you go, not only am I an intrepid mountaineer, but a scrupulously honest one as well. My appetite for exciting adventures has been whetted. I look forward to my next bucket-list item. If danger scares you, feel free to participate at a safe distance through my blogs.
– Paul R. De Lancey, danger seeker
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Computers that take forever to load, freeze, or crash make you cuss. Repeatedly. They make you say horrific things that will cast your soul down to the fiery pits of Hell. You don’t want to go there, it’s unambiguously bad. Think of a presidential debate that never ends. But you can’t survive without your Facebook and kitchen pictures. What can be done?
When buying a computer, look for the following five characteristics:
For pity’s sake do not purchase a computer lacking any of the above five points. A working computer will give you a chance to go to Heaven. A bad computer will send you to Hell. Choose wisely.
– Paul R. De Lancey, computer owner
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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