sports

You Need to See a Rabbit Do a Complete Flip

And here it is.

 

 

 

 

I think Fluff Fluff did rather well, don’t you? Watch for her when competes for the first time on Bunny Flips on ESPN8, next Friday, 8pm, EST.

I spent hours learning how to do this. It might not seem like a mighty achievement, but it kept me off the streets where I would only foment revolution. And that’s a good thing.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Beware of Legjacking

A simulated legjacking

With the explosion in the numbers of people competing in long-distance races, runners are looking for any edge they  can get. For a while, runners took performance enhancing drugs, PEG. (Note, here PEG is an anacronym, not any woman named Peg.) Anyway some weeks ago, marathoner Carl La Fong up and grew a third leg overnight. He reduced his race time by 39 minutes.

As of press time, no marathon organizers have addressed the issue of a third leg. So many unscrupulous marathoners are looking for a third leg. As there aren’t many legal ways to acquire leg (Contrary to common belief, Costco(tm) doesn’t carry everything), runners are turning to violence.

Leg jacking. They’re procuring their fifth limb by legjacking, where the foul fiend knocks you down and pulls off your leg. Isn’t this painful?

Yes.

And you can kiss goodbye your own chances of winning a marathon.

What can you do to avoid legjacking?

Keep a healthy distance between yourself and all fit people with legs as long as yours.

It’s not always possible to do that because of crowds and stampeding herds of escaped elephants. So, I recommend carrying garlic cloves in your hands whenever  you go out. Simply pop the garlic cloves into your mouth and munch away whenever you see a likely leg thief. Your strong garlic breath will deter any legjacker. Besides, garlic repels vampires as well. And that’s good.

Be sure to join me for future health tips. Bye bye now, Stay healthy.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Elephant Marathons on ESPN8

We’re just five months away from the start of the First Elephant Marathon on ESPN8. And it’s going to be televised on ESPN8(tm)!

“We couldn’t be prouder,” said gamekeeper Absko Otieno of the Reteti Elephant Sanctuary. “We take in injured elephants and try to rehabilitate them. To that end, we constantly take them out for exercise. Got to build up their muscles and endurance, you know.

“At first, we could only get them to walk for a mile at most. A few months later, we stretched their walks to two miles. But you know, a healthy elephant needs to do much more. But we just couldn’t coax them into doing that. What to do?

“Then thank goodness, just as we going to give up again after just two miles, a peanut truck came by. You know, just like an ice cream truck but with peanuts. So this peanut truck came by playing Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries.” And you know, just as peanuts are the elephants’ favorite food, “Ride of the Valkyries” is their favorite music. Elephants can’t get enough of Wagner.

“Anyway, all the elephants turned around and ran after the peanut truck. For 26 miles, a marathon! We paid the peanut-truck driver to drive 26 miles around the sanctuary every week. At first, maybe a dozen people showed up to watch. Then a hundred. Then hundreds. Then thousands and tens of thousands. This country went elephant-racing mad.

“Soon wildlife tours made stops to see our elephants race. One of them worked for ESPN. He bought the rights to the elephant marathon. There you go, and oh, don’t try this at home. Hope to see you at our marathon!”

Ellie the Elephant practicing for the marathon.

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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My Amazing Strength

People wonder if I am as strong as many say I am. Well, I can do a headstand; it’s like a handstand but uses no hands. See the picture below. Proof you cannot deny.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Chettinad Fish Fry

Indian Entree

CHETTINAD FISH FRY

INGREDIENTS

2 garlic cloves
1 shallot
½ tablespoon chili powder
¾ teaspoon coriander
½ teaspoon fennel powder
½ tablespoon garam masala
¾ teaspoon minced ginger
½ teaspoon turmeric
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon vegetable oil (5 tablespoons more later)
1¼ pounds fish: cod, seer fish, or king mackerel
5 tablespoons vegetable oil
4 lemon wedges

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Mince garlic cloves and shallot. Add all ingredients except fish and 5 tablespoons vegetable oil to mixing bowl. Mix with fork or whish until you get a well blended paste. Cut fish into 8 pieces Pat cod dry. Pat paste onto fish pieces. Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour.

Add 5 tablespoons vegetable oil to large pan. Fry at medium-high heat until a little bit of paste starts to dance in the oil. Gently add fish pieces to hot oil. Fry for 3 minutes. Carefully flip fish pieces. Fry again for 3 minutes. Keep flipping and frying until fish turn brown on both sides, become crispy, and flaky. Garnish with lemon wedges. Goes well with rice.

TIDBITS

1) The two Chettinad Fish Fry fillets in the above picture look like wings. Birds have wings. They can fly. Fish that have highly modified pectoral fins can jump out of the water and glide for up to 650 feet.

2) Flying fish propel themselves out of the sea at 35 miles per hour. This speed far exceeds anything humans can manage. Of course, the limited range of the heavier-than-air fish rules out long distance races such as the mile. However, flying beat the pants out of human sprinters, whether it be the 100-yard dash or the even longer 100 meters.

3) This is why flying fish were banned from all international sprints. They never got the chance to compete in any Olympics. No, not even in 1896.

4) The Exocet missile is named after the Latin name for the flying-fish family. So, that is something.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Hare Ponders Rematch

Last time, the tortoise pushed the hare too far.

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Why Watch Football When You Can See Football Football?

Sports have gotten boring. Even football. Sure there are great bursts of excitement. I mean, what can rival a 95-yard pass in getting your heart pumping? But this thrill lasts for a few seconds. Half-minute huddles precede each and every play. Watching paint dry is more exciting. And then there are the team time outs. And then there are theTV timeouts. I tell ya, evenwatching plate tectonics at work provides a stronger adrenaline rush.

At present, there’s only two teams on the field at any one time. What’s up with that? Only one team to root for. Only one time to boo.

What is the solution to this dreary state of affairs?

Simple.

But four teams on the field. As before, Team A wins by outscoring Team B. But now Team C plays against Team D.

Huzzah!

With four teams competing, there’s bound to be a play going in at any one time.

Note that the teams lining up for a play are not obligated in any way to get out of the way of the play in progress. Sure they can, but only if they want to.

This brings up instant strategy considerations. Suppose you’re on defense for Team A. A wide receiver for Team D catches the ball and eludes all of Team C’s defenders. Do you let the wide receiver go by you and score? After all his touchdown won’t affect your game. Suppose your team needs Team D to lose to get into the playoffs. In this case, you tackle the receiver.

Wow! Total excitement! Exclamation points galore! Talk about cardiovasular excercise. Will a defender tackle that player with the ball or won’t he?

The thrills work just as well on offense. You’re a tight end for Team A trying to catch a poorly thrown ball by your quarterback. But wait! C’s QB has thrown a pass that is nearer to you. You catch that one and run all the way to the end zone. Bad for C’s receiver, but maybe he can haul in your QB’s toss. It’s easy to construct a scenario where Team A will find it easier to pass to Team C’s receiver. Or vice versa. If you’re on defense whom do you defend against, Team A or Team C?

I tell ya, it’s like combining the intellectual challenge of chess with the non-stop action of a marathon, while still keeping football’s bone crushing hits of football.

And can you imagine the bee-hive activity on the field when someone fumbles? All four teams will be going for the ball. What if the other two teams are in the middle of a play as well? If this isn’t Excitement City, then nothing is.

We need Football Football. Once watched, you’ll never go back. Join me in making this happen. Then tell me what you like about Football Football.

Below is a picture of a Football Football game. Doesn’t your heart thump a bit faster just looking at it?

Football Football

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Number Two Son Finishes Marathon

This last Tuesday, February 19, Number Two Son ran his first marathon  He had previously starred in cross-country at Poway High. This Austin, Texas marathon was his first. He did well. His time was under three hours. So, he may apply for the Boston Marathon. I am so proud. The pictures below show more detail . Hurray!

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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The Hottest New Sport – Rabbit Chess (Kanin Schack)

Chess has always been a laudable exercise for the brain. But is it cute? Bunnies are cute. Cuter than people. Certainly bunnies playing chess are way cuter than two competing humans. What do the humans do between moves? Nothing. Certainly their synapses are firing something fierce, but they move nary a muscle.

However, bunnies hop around while the other rabbit is pondering its next move and this is okay. Movement, oh my gosh. And the bunnies’ cute pink noses twitch nonstop. How is adorable is that?

Mega adorable. Which is why Kanin Schack or Rabbit Chess has taken Sweden by storm. No good Swedes go out on Tuesday after dark anymore as that is Rabbit Chess Night on television. Rumor has it that Rabbit Chess will soon be premiering on ESPN8. I can’t wait. My nose twitches in anticipation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Il Pomodoro Wins Tutta Italia Soccer Title; Opponents Cry Foul

Cesare “Instant Death” Borgia, tenacious defender

Italian soccer fans still buzz about the tiny, virtually unknown, Il Pomodoro club winning the prestigious Tutta Italia Championship.  Pomodoro took a 1-0 leader just 33 seconds into its first-round game when striker Piero Albrizzi headed the ball into the opponents goal.

The opposing club, SSC Napoli, shrugged. So Albrizzi scored a goal. Big Deal. Everyone knew he could score. But the club was also aware, as were all soccer teams, that Il Pomodoro was just plain horrible on defense. A 9-1 defeat proved to be all too frequent for the Il Pomodro Tomatoes, whose motto is “Ci proviamo duro” or “We try hard.”

Then coach Vicenzo de’ Medici unleashed his secret weapon. As soon as his team got the ball, he called time out and substituted rattlesnakes for all his players. Alberto Pazzi, knowing the extreme slowness of rattlesnakes, ran to take the ball away from rattler Cesare Borgia. While rattlesnakes move slowly across football fields, they strike like lighting. And so, Borgia sunk his fangs into Pazzi. Pazzi sunk poisoned to the ground. Naturally, none  of the SSC Napoli players felt like approaching Pomodoro’s rattlers after that. Il Pomodoro simply ran out the clock and won 1-0.

The next three rounds against Juventus, Atalanta, and Inter Milan followed the same script. Super fast Albrizzi would score an early goal and then on came the rattlesnakes. Every game ended with a Pomodoro victory of 1 – 0.  The 74,223-to-1 underdog was now soccer-mad Italy’s top dog.

The grumbling about using snake as soccer players continue. As of press time, Italy’s Soccer Federation, is seriously considering banning the use of non-human players. If the Federation fails to prohibit animals, look for the introduction of black bears, tigers, and pumas into the game. We live in exciting times.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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