Monthly Archives: May 2014

The New Global Threat

The stability of the entire world is threatened by an emerging superpower, Papua New Guinea.PapuaNewGuinea1

Hah, you say. Where is Papua New Guinea? North of Australia. What does it produce? Rain, mud, and documentaries about newly discovered stone-age tribes within its borders.

What could such a country do? Buy a lot of SPAM or … conquer the Pacific Ocean.

How? I’m glad you asked. Everyone knows the best mud for beauty care comes from Papua New Guinea, or PNG. The demand for this mud in American and European spas grows fantastically every year. Soon, PNG will be awash with the world’s money. PNG can then allocate its new billions to buy used aircraft carriers, fighter planes, bombers, tanks, and landing craft listed irresponsibly on eBay.

This is where the nightmare starts PNG has a population of 4,600,000. (I counted them twice.) Even if it puts just 10% of its people in the military, it will have a striking force of 460,000. Who has the population, the might to stop them? Not neighboring Nauru with its tiny population of 11,000 and maybe soldiers.

Emboldened by this easy conquest, Tuvalu, Palau, Marshall Islands, Kiribati, and Tonga, with their combined population of 260,000 will fall like leaves in a Wisconsin autumn. This disaster will have worldwide ramifications. Does anyone doubt the Palauan contingent keeping the peace in South Ruritania will remain under such dire circumstances? No, they will go home to fight a war of liberation. The whole idea of UN peace-keeping forces will unravel. Minor skirmishes will become full fledged regional wars. So it goes.

Soon, Micronesia and Vanuatu will topple. I don’t know much about them so let’s move onto the Solomon Islands and Fiji–biggish but still smaller than PNG. We cannot let these two nations fall. We cannot let PNG monopolize the best snorkeling sites in the world. Have you snorkeled at Key Largo? Well, let me tell you, the snorkeling at Fiji is much better. And by the way, conquest of these countries would enable PNG to block all airborne and seaborne trade across the Pacific. The snorkeling industry and the world economy would collapse.

What can Americans do? Simple. Cut off the funds for PNG’s drive for conquest. Whenever getting a mud treatment at your local spa, be sure to ask for good ol’ American mud. It’s good for your face. It’s good for world peace.

– Correspondent Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

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Grilled Saffron Chicken (Joojeh kabab)

Persian Entree

GRILLED SAFFRON CHICKEN
(Joojeh Kabab)

INGREDIENTSGrilledSaffronChicken-

1 onion
1/2 tablespoon lime juice
1/2 cup olive oil
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon chili powder
1 gram (1/28 ounce) teaspoon saffron threads
1/4 teaspoon salt

4 chicken breasts (2 pounds)
3 medium tomatoes

basmati rice (optional)
naan bread (optional)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

metal skewers
outdoor grill

PREPARATION

Grate or dice onion. Add onion, lime juice, olive oil, pepper, red pepper powder, saffron, and salt to large mixing bowl. Mix well with whisk to make marinade. Cut chicken breasts into 1 ½” cubes. Add chicken cubes to mixing bowl. Turn chicken cubes until they are completely coated with marinade. Cover with lid or plastic wrap and refrigerate overnight or for about 8 hours.

Take long nap or have a nice sleep. Dream about being a pirate, becoming a monarch, or being the first person to set foot on Mars.

Wake up. Thread chicken cubes onto metal skewers. Coat tomatoes with marinade. Thread tomatoes onto its own skewer. Preheat grill to on high. Barbecue chicken for 5-to-10 minutes. Turn chicken skewers over and barbecue for another 5-to-10 minutes. (Don’t overcook as chicken will become dry. Grill times vary wildly between grill. Check constantly). Grill tomatoes for 5 minutes then make a 1/4th turn with its skewer. Repeat 3 more times for a total of 20 minutes or until skin cracks on all sides. (Again, monitor this carefully.)

Serve with basmati rice or naan bread.

TIDBITS

1) During President Johnson’s administration, the war in Vietnam escalated dramatically, the Soviet Union and the Warsaw Pact invaded Czechoslovakia, the Civil Rights Act passed, and riots erupted in many American cities. President Johnson needed time to get away from the daily stress of his office and so added barbecues to the White House roof.

2) Decades later, anti-aircraft missiles would be added to the roof of the White House to protect its barbecues.

3) America has the world’s largest number of barbecues.

4) It also has the world’s most powerful military.

5) It has to. The world wants America’s barbecues.

6) It’s not an entirely stable situation.

7) That’s why in 2003, America embarked on a barbecue-treaty signing spree with nations around the world. The first such treaty, Oil for Barbecue, with Saudi Arabia was instant success and provided the blueprint for future Barbecue Diplomacy.

8) There is a lot of sand in Saudi Arabia. However, there are a quite a lot of dinosaurs fossils in America.

9) No one knows for sure if dinosaurs had barbecues. There are no fossil records to support or deny such a hypothesis.

10) Sauropods certainly never held barbecues. They had no opposable thumbs, essential to holding metal spatulas. Indeed, these dinosaurs possessed no hands at all, opting to involve with four feet instead. Sauropods rarely got invited to block-party barbecues as their extremely size, limited agility, and low-level intelligences meant they often stomped on the grills, ruining the festivities.

11) Oh, and sauropods were vegetarians. They wouldn’t eat the barbecued ribs their hosts prepared for them. Their carnivore hosts often took this culinary reticence for rudeness and killed the sauropods. Which provided more meat for the barbecues. The barbecue brachiosaurus ribs were to die to for. Which they did.

12) Faced with extinction from barbecue loving meat eaters such as the allosaurus, the sauropods evolve into bigger and bigger dinosaurs such as the diplodocus and the seismosaurus, so that they would become to big to fit on the existing Jurassic grills.

13) However, the succeeding Cretaceous period saw the rise of the giganotosaurus and the tyrannosaurus rex. These fierce predators loved sushi, preferring to eat their properly prepared and spice prey raw.

14) Barbecue use dwindled. Then a meteor hit the Earth 64 million years ago, extinguishing the dinosaurs and what little culinary expertise they possessed. But now, finally, barbecues are back. We live in a new, golden age.

– Chef Paul

Cookbook&4Novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

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Tex Mex T Rex

Cretaceous Entree

TEX MEX T REX

INGREDIENTSTRex-

1 medium tyrannosaurus rex
300 garlic cloves
1,500 medium yellow onions
2,999 jars (18 ounces) barbecue sauce
1 15 ounce bottle organic ketchup
200 pounds chili powder
100 pounds cumin
25 pounds thyme
1/4 teaspoon salt (or to taste)
40 gallons lemon juice
120 gallons Worcestershire sauce
12,000 hamburger buns

Note: Getting the amounts exact is critical. If your sums are off you just have to recount.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

1 time machine
1 sonic obliterator (not sold in Oregon as of publication)
1 culinary chainsaw (I recommend the Bushnell 303TM model)
1,500 crock pots
1 multi-story mixing bowl
1 24,000-hole toaster
1 deluxe surge protector

PREPARATION

Set time machine to Wednesday, June 3rd, 3 p.m., 65,403,002 B.C.. (For goodness sake, don’t push things and try to get yourself a T-Rex minutes before that giant meteorite slams into the Earth killing nearly everything. If you die in this cataclysm and don’t come back, your guests will never talk to you. You don’t need this social awkwardness.)

But it does remind me, to make Tex Mex T Rex you really need to kill a T Rex. For this job, you’ll want to get a premium sonic obliterator. One with a T-Rex rating. Don’t expect to waltz into a WalMartTM and buy the first sonic obliterator you see. You’ll be sorry. Indeed, you’ll be dead when the feeble sonic vibration from your off-the-shelves obliterator merely angers the T Rex into charging you. Always, always buy quality kitchen utensils.

Do not forget to kill the T-Rex. Be sure to slice up the T Rex into the various cuts of meat at the site and the time of the killing. This takes a long time and culinary chainsaws are noisy. You don’t want to annoy your current time, human neighbors. But in the Cretaceous period the chainsaw noise will scare off all those pesky predators who’d want to eat you. Take all your T-Rex cuts back with you. Don’t drop any. No one likes a litterbug.

Mince garlic cloves and onions. This should take no time at all as you have a time machine. Put T-Rex bits in crock pots. Add garlic, onion, barbecue sauce, organic ketchup, chili powder, cumin, salt, thyme, lemon juice, and Worcestershire sauce.

Set crock pots to high and cover them. Cook for 6 hours or until meat is tender. Remove T-Rex meat. Shred meat and return meat to crock pots for 30 minutes. Toast buns. Serve meat on buns. Note, this is a big meal. May I suggest serving it picnic style with plastic utensils and cardboard plates?

TIDBITS

1) Until the invention of the time machine, Cretaceous cuisine was impossible,

2) We have, of course, always had Cretan cuisine. However, food from the island of Crete is usually considered to be indistinguishable from the rest of Greek cuisine.

3) However, things would change dramatically if a Cretan restaurateur were to successfully transport T-Rex meat back to the current time. Crowds would certainly flock to Kronos’ Cretan Cretaceous Crudités.

4) This development would certainly provide a challenge to the Tex Mex T Rex cuisine of southwest Texas.

5) As of press time, 43% of all Tex Mex T Rex sandwiches are served in El Paso, Texas.

6) There are lots of non-culinary things to do in El Paso, Texas.

7) Be sure to take in the town’s T-Rex processing plant. Tours cost $20 person if you book now. However, the cost conscious can always go back in time, deposit a dollar in the bank, and gather enough interest to pay for the tour.

8) For an alternative experience, go to Hueco Tanks State Park and scale its huge boulders.

9) Those in your group who survive this experience will want to take in the Museum of Art and see American and Mexican colonial art.

10) Stargazing is quite popular here, especially at night.

11) So is sleeping.

12) Pleasant dreams.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Juicy Lucy (stuffed cheeseburger)

American Entree

JUICY LUCY
(stuffed cheeseburger)

INGREDIENTSJuicyLucy-

1 onion
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
3 garlic cloves
1 ½ pounds lean ground beef
4 slices American cheese (other cheeses will seep out the sides of the patty)
1/4 teaspoon ground mustard
½ teaspoon ground four peppercorn blend (or pepper)
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 ½ teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
4 lettuce leaves
4 hamburger buns

PREPARATION

Cut onion into ½” slices. Add oil and onion slices to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 2 ½ minutes for each side or until onion softens. Mince garlic. Add garlic, beef, ground mustard, peppercorn blend, salt, and Worcestershire sauce to mixing bowl. Mix with hands. Divide meat into 8 round balls. Flatten them until they are 1/4″ thick. Fold a slice of American cheese in half, then fold in half the other way. Press folded cheese into the center of a patty. Top with second patty. Pinch sides of patties to seal in the cheese. (This really needs to be a tight seal. Don’t make the patties too thick or the cheese might not melt.) Repeat for 3 more patties

Add tightly sealed patties to frying pan. Fry patties on medium-high heat for 5 minutes. Flip patties. It is essential at this point to prick the patties several times to let steam from the cheese to escape. (If you do not, you risk the heated cheese forcing its way out of the patties.) Fry for another 5 minutes or until meat is browned to your liking. (Cheese becomes more molten with longer cooking. This is also a matter of preference.) Put patties on buns and top with grilled onion slices and lettuce and upper bun. Wait 1 minute before eating as the cheese inside can be like lava.

TIDBITS

1) There is a fierce partisan debate about which Minneapolis eatery first served this wondrous entree. Many claim Matt’s Bar invented it, while others maintain it was first served at the 5-8 Club (5-8 = – 3) where it is known as the Jucy Lucy.

2). Matt Dillon was the marshal of Dodge City during the Old West. He liked to eat beef. He probably would have loved a Juicy Lucy. Although, he’d have to use a time machine to eat a modern day Juicy Lucy. As a peacekeeper, he’d probably never say which place he preferred, Matt’s Bar or the 5-8 club. But if he did, who would dare to gainsay the quick drawing marshal of Minneapolis?

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Spring Rolls (Cha Gio)

Vietnamese Entree

SPRING ROLLS
(cha gio)

SpringRoll-

INGREDIENTS – SAUCE

1/4 teaspoon Thai chili or red pepper flakes or minced serrano
1/4 cup fish sauce or Hoisin sauce
1 tablespoon lime juice
1/4 cup sugar
½ cup water

INGREDIENTS – ROLL

1 ½ ounces cellophane noodles or rice vermicelli
½ pound large shrimp, peeled and deveined
½ pound pork
1 carrot
4 green onion stalks
2 garlic cloves
1 egg
2 teaspoons fish sauce
2 teaspoons Hoisin sauce
1 teaspoon ginger
20 rice wrappers or egg roll wrappers
1 ½ tablespoons sesame oil
2 cups peanut oil as necessary
2 lettuce leaves

SPECIAL UTENSIL

electric skillet

PREPARATION

Combine Thai chili, fish sauce, lime juice, sugar, and water in mixing bowl. Stir with fork until sugar dissolves. Set aside. This is the dipping sauce.

Put noodles in mixing bowl. Add enough water to cover. Let sit for 10 minutes or until noodles become soft and bendable. While noodles are sitting, cut shrimp into eighths and mince pork. Shred or grate carrot. Mince green onion and garlic cloves. Drain water from noodles. Beat egg in small bowl.

Add sesame oil, carrot, garlic, pork, shrimp, fish sauce, and Hoisin sauce to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 10 minutes or until shrimp turns orangish-pink and is no longer translucent. Stir frequently. Add noodles, green onion, and ginger. Cook at medium heat for 2 minutes. Stir frequently. Let cool.

If rice wrapper is hard, quickly run warm water over until it is pliable. (IMPORTANT! Run water over only ONE WRAPPER at a time. If you run water over multiple wrappers at a time or leave the wrappers for any length over time you will get a gelatinous mass that can’t be separated for love or money.) Place rice wrapper on board. Brush edges of rice wrapper with egg. Add 1/4 cup of pork/shrimp/veggie/noodle mix to center, bottom third of rice wrapper. Fold in sides to form 3″ long roll. Roll up rice wrapper from bottom. Brush remaining corner with egg. Repeat until you run out of rice wrappers or pork/shrimp/veggie/noodle mix.

Set electric skillet to 375 degrees. Put a drop of water in skillet. When drop starts to bubble or move around, add up to 2 cups of peanut oil as necessary. Carefully add 8 egg rolls to skillet at a time using tongs. Fry egg rolls for 2-to-3 minutes or until they turn golden brown. Turn egg rolls. Once. Remove and place on paper towels to drain grease. Repeat until all egg rolls are fried.

TIDBITS

1) Vietnam is an anagram for Mite Van.

2) Most mites are way too small to drive a van safely.

3) Or even pedal a bicycle.

4) Vietnamese policemen are banned from wearing dark sunglasses while on duty. This is because you really need to see well to see a mite driving a van illegally. A drunken mite would make for a particularly poor driver.

5) If you are a mite and you want to hit the hard stuff, consider drinking ruou ran (snake wine.) This wine comes with a pickled snake inside the bottle. It is supposed to be able to cure any illness.

6) Giving snake wine to all the sick people of the nation would be a unique national health program. The National Health Care Dispensaries, formerly known as bars and liquor stores, would sell the wine direct to the public.

7) This plan would require no tax dollars from the government. Households would be freed from spending 14% of their income on health care.

8) The Federal Government could use all the money it saves to pay down the debt, invest in infrastructure, and conduct energy research. People would spend their windfall on college education for their kids, provide for their retirement, and buy bacon.

9) With people’s retirement completely assured, we wouldn’t need to contribute to social security. Indeed, the government could then distribute all the money we having coming to us. We’d buy cars, homes, and doughnuts. The surging demand would force businesses to hire every worker they could find and at a high wage. Higher take home pay would mean more spending. To meet this spiraling demand, businesses would want to investment massively for the future. Massive future investment means full employment forever. I see a Nobel Prize in Economics coming for me very soon.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Peanut Sauce (pinda saus)

Dutch appetizer

PEANUT SAUCE
(pinda saus)

INGREDIENTSPeanutSauce-

1 garlic clove
½ teaspoon lemon juice
¼ teaspoon lemongrass
¾ cup milk
¾ cup smooth peanut butter
4 tablespoons soy sauce
¼ teaspoon brown sugar
¼ teaspoon sambal oelek (omit if you can’t find it or desire a less spicy sauce)

PREPARATION

Mince garlic clove. Add garlic, lemon juice, and lemongrass to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for about 3 minutes or until garlic softens. Stir frequently. Add milk, peanut butter, soy sauce, brown sugar, and sambal oelek. Cook on medium heat for 5 minutes or until it just starts to boil. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 3 minutes until mixture thickens. Stir frequently.

Goes well with: sticky rice, satays, bami goreng, egg rolls, and loempias.

TIDBITS

1) The Netherlands supplies 70% of the world’s bacon. Yay!

2) The Spanish Inquistion sentenced everyone in the Netherlands to death in 1568 . Tough love, you bet.

3) The Netherlands supplies 70% of the world’s bacon. Woot!

4) Amsterdam is home to the greatest number of museums in any one city, including ones dedicated to sex museums. Honey, I’m just going to the museum to improve my mind.

5) The Netherlands supplies 70% of the world’s bacon. Thank you, Netherlands.

7) Amsterdam’s coffee shops can sell you up to 5 grams of cannabis. And then you’ll be hungry for … bacon!

8) The Netherlands supplies 70% of the world’s bacon. Satisfy your bacon munchies here.

9) When not producing bacon, the Dutch are known to indulge in engineering marvels and the arts.

– Chef Paul
4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Spotlight on Stacey Roberts, author of “Trailer Trash with a Girl’s Name”

Stacey Roberts

Chapter Two: A Bastard’s Thanksgiving…With a Side of Gravy

Uncle George was a bastard. I knew this because my mother always called him one, and she was specific with titles. My Uncle Stuart was a drinker, her business partner was a schmuck, and my father was a son of a bitch. Her business partner was never a son of a bitch, and my father was never a drinker, even when he drank. I could never aspire to be a schmuck, no matter how hard I tried. Uncle George was pigeonholed: once a bastard, always a bastard.

I even asked my mother: “Why can’t Daddy be a bastard?”

Mom: “Because he’s a son of a bitch.” Done. She was the FDA of human frailty – whatever was wrong with you, she knew it, and gave you a label.

Me: “So what am I?”

Mom: “You’re just like your father.”

Me: “So I’m a son of a bitch?”

Mom: “Go to bed.”

Uncle George the Bastard wasn’t a dictionary definition bastard – his parents were married – they were Irish Catholic and probably promised to each other at age five. He was the other kind of bastard, the colloquial kind, who despised bitches, niggers, spics, dogs, cats, kids, hebes, and my grandma.

He spoke only after long silences and thought good parenting was striking any misbehaving kid with whatever he could lay his hands on. You didn’t pee in his pool and you didn’t sit in his chair. You didn’t think for one second that your favorite TV show could possibly preempt whatever he was watching. You rode in the back seat of whatever he drove and when he told you to go fetch that thing over there and bring it back to him, you didn’t ask him, “Which thing over where?” unless you wanted to wake up sixty seconds later on the ground; you brought over all you could carry as fast as you could.

He had been a police sergeant when my father was on the force, back in the 1950’s, a decade and a half before they each met and married Jewish sisters. Uncle George the Bastard was the one who packed up my father’s shit when my mother threw him out of the house.

My mother had called her sister in a rage.

Mom: “Sis, that son of a bitch. Send George over here to pack up his shit and put it out on the curb. Sssssssssssssssss.”

She added a long hissing sibilant to the end of her words so you knew she was mad or making a point.

At this point, my Aunt Maxine (Sissy to everyone) did not do a number of things: She did not ask what Fred had done this time. She did not protest that George and Fred had been best friends since the Second World War. She did not say that George was busy eating, watching TV, beating one of his kids, degrading my grandmother, or complaining about Gerald Ford. She put down her quilting and pressed the phone to her breast.

Aunt Sissy (looking at Uncle George the Bastard): “George. Carol wants you to put Fred’s shit out on the curb.”

He looked back at her, his watery Irish blue eyes cold, falling into one of his deadly silences like an archer pulling back the drawstring on a bow. Sissy stared at him with coal black eyes and an implacable face only two generations removed from icy Polish farmland.

Aunt Sissy: “George. Just go now.”

I don’t know how Uncle George the Bastard felt about siding with family over his best friend, but he must have gone. My father’s shit did indeed hit the curb in 1976. I watched from the window, my mother standing behind me, her arms folded, her lips pursed.

Me: “Mom, what’s Uncle George doing?”

Mom: “Putting your father’s shit out on the curb. That son of a bitch.”

Me: “Why is his shit going out to the curb?”

Mom: “Because I’m not having it in this house anymore.”

My mother never answered the question being asked – she made it sound like we were out of room to store things or that my father’s golf clubs and underpants were toxic and slowly killing us all.

I asked “why the curb” because the back porch was closer, which would have made the job easier on Uncle George the Bastard. Apparently the use of the curb was part of some kind of 1970’s divorce ritual as stringent as leaning left at Passover or the wine-to-bread ratio of a Catholic mass. There was a system:

Step 1: Put the offender’s belongings on the curb.

Step 2: Change the locks.

Step 3: Leave a note:

Fred,

Your shit is on the curb.

You’re a real son of a bitch.

Carol

Step 4: Reassure the children.

Mom: “Layner, I’ve put your father’s shit on the curb.”

Step 5: Turn the children against the missing parent.

Layne the Favorite: “That son of a bitch.”

As a practical matter, it meant my father had to drive up our long driveway, go to the back porch, try his key, curse, read the note, hurl more expletives, drive back down to the street, collect his shit, swear eternal vengeance upon my mother, and depart.

Our street was a busy two lane road, so he had to park along the curb with his emergency flashers on so cars would detour around him while he packed up his shit. I’m sure more than one man driving by that scene felt some sympathy for him:

Anonymous New Jersey Man: “Oh, hell. His shit’s on the curb. That poor son of a bitch.”

***

Uncle George the Bastard was the king of Thanksgiving in 1980. He had retired after twenty years on the force and moved his family from Cranford, New Jersey, a mile from my house, to a farm in the Endless Mountains of Pennsylvania, which was four hours away. That year was the first Thanksgiving we spent with them. Not sure why we couldn’t do it when the drive didn’t require pee stops, but I wasn’t in charge of anything at all until the early nineties, and then for maybe three days before I got married.

That Thanksgiving was the first time I ever had gravy. Can a good gravy change your life? This one did. Jews should reconsider gravy. We don’t use it for anything. It’s made from meat drippings and a thickening agent. It’s something you would normally throw away that instead gets resurrected and used. If we Jews had put gravy on trial before we pitched it out, it would be Jesus. In the genteel cold war between our religion and that of the Goyim, gravy is Easter.  It is nowhere close to what God had in mind when He freed us from slavery in Egypt to wander the desert, eat flat crackers, and wait a dozen centuries for the Cossacks to storm down from the hills and pee in our wells.

My mother can’t cook, and knows God is okay with that. If He thought His Chosen could prepare food properly, why all the dietary restrictions? Instead of saying, “Undercooked pork can kill you, so do it right,” He ordered, “No pork.” It implies a lack of confidence in our culinary talents. He could have said, “Cook two cubits of pork over a dry fire for five minutes.” Whatever a cubit is.

So, no pork. My mother is food obsessed, and believes herself to be a great Talmudic scholar in pursuit of the Lord’s plan. At my wedding, she ruled that there must be a kosher meal. The wedding planner offered fish. My mother agreed. All fish is kosher, she informed me, so we were good.

During my first Thanksgiving on the farm, I noticed my cousins passing around a weird porcelain boat.

Me: “What’s that?”

Cousin David: “Gravy.”

Me: “What do you put it on?”

Cousin David: (dreamily) “Everything.”

I took the gravy boat.

Mom (catching my eye): “SSSSSSSSSSStace. Don’t eat that crap.”

Me: “But it has its own special dish!”

We Jews love that sort of thing. Passover has its own segmented dish. Wine goes in special cups at Bar Mitzvahs. This gravy boat must have been a relic of one of the lost tribes of Israel, so I brought it back into the fold, covering turkey, stuffing, potatoes, corn, and cranberry sauce with it.

My brother, Layne the Favorite, obediently choked his food down dry. I was so covered in gravy I needed a bath when I was done. I asked my Aunt Sissy, who I now believed to be the world’s best cook, what was in her spectacular stuffing, which was so unlike any I had ever had.

Her face got bright red.

Aunt Sissy (through clenched teeth): “Nothing special.”

My mother, who never ate stuffing, looked at me wide-eyed.

Mom: “SSSSSStace. It’s stuffing. It’s bread. What’s wrong with you?”

My aunt hustled me from the table to scrub the gravy from my hair and shoes.

Aunt Sissy (whispering): “There’s pork sausage in the stuffing. If your mother knew she would just kill me. Or give me a title. Sissy the Corrupter. Something like that. You know how she is.”

Me: “It’s got a nice ring to it. I think I’ve got gravy in my belly button.”

Aunt Sissy: “I’m not gonna risk it over a side dish.” She wiped away a glob of gravy from the back of my left knee.

Me (also whispering and horrified): “But Grandma eats the stuffing. She loves it.” Grandma was very religious.

Aunt Sissy: “Grandma eats lobster too.”

Everything I knew about the book of Exodus hit me like a brick made from Nile river mud.

Me: “Lobster’s not kosher…”

Aunt Sissy: (shrugging) “Nope. How did you get gravy in your ears?”

Me: “You ARE a corrupter! Can you teach my mother to cook?”

Aunt Sissy: “No. No one can.”

Aunt Sissy: “Why are you crying? It’s just a little spilled gravy.”

 

About the AuthorStaceyPic

Stacey Roberts was born in a smoky hospital in New Jersey in 1971. Nine years later, he and his family moved into a Winnebago and traveled across the country. After several near-death experiences, they settled first in California and then Florida.

He attended college at Florida State University and University of Miami, where he received his B.A. in English Literature instead of Finance, which was a great disappointment to his mother.

He went on to get a Master’s degree in Early Modern European History at the University of Cincinnati, to which his mother said, “SSSStace. History? What do you need that for? What is wrong with you?”

His mother was right. He didn’t need it for anything, except to make arcane references about the Roman Empire or Henry VIII that no one else understands.

He founded a computer consulting firm outside of Cincinnati, Ohio in 1994, and resides in Northern Kentucky with his two brilliant daughters and their less than brilliant yellow dog Sophie.

TRAILER TRASH, WITH A GIRL’S NAME is his first novel.

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Chocolate Egg Cream

American Dessert

CHOCOLATE EGG CREAM

INGREDIENTS??????????

1 1/3 tablespoons Fox’s u-bet® original chocolate flavor syrup
2 tablespoons whole milk
9 tablespoons seltzer water (needs to be cold, needs to have all its fizz, preferably from an unopened bottle.)

PREPARATION

Pour chocolate flavor syrup into tall glass. (Connoisseurs agree that Fox’s u-bet® is the best.) Add whole milk, then seltzer. This should all be done quickly to preserve the fizz. Stir briskly with fork. This is an excellent refreshing drink for those hot summer days.

TIDBITS

1) This tidbit is scrunched by the picture. A picture of a round dish would not have gone so far down the page. So I would have had more space to write longer and more numerous tidbits.

2) However, every silver cloud has a lining or something like that.

3)Hey, aren’t the bags in vacuum cleaners called linings? Are there such things are silver vacuum-cleaner bags? They’d be quite expensive. Only the super rich could afford them. Maybe bags like these would become status symbols. We might even have to worry about our landfills getting clogged with expensive non-biodegradable silver vacuum bags.

4) Oh wait. Silver is so expensive. People would scour the landscape for silver vacuum-cleaner bags, picking them off the sidewalks if need be. These precious-metal bags would probably never even make to the landfills. Our neighborhoods would become cleaner. Our landfills would have more space for millions and millions of HuggiesTM that we dispose of every day. Everyone wins.

5) Hey, why don’t we use cement and HuggiesTM to make storm walls for all those low-lying sea towns. These coastal dwellers would be safe from storm surges and rising sea levels. Best of all, the sea wall wouldn’t cost anything as the savings from not filling our landfills with HuggiesTM would pay for the sea wall. I have just saved Florida. Yay.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Author Paul R. De Lancey, My Writing Progress – Blog Tour

Author Paul R. De Lancey

My Writing Process – Blog Tour

May 12, 2014

My name is Paul R. De Lancey. It has been that way since birth. Today is my day to participate in the continuing series, My Writing Process Blog Tour. My writing friend and running mate for the presidency in 2016, Candace C. Bowen, posted for the tour last week. Please visit her site at http://www.knightseries.com. She’s a great writer and a really nice person.

What am I working on?

I’m promoting my third novel which just came out. It’s called Beneficial Murders and tells the story of a modest spreadsheet analyst who makes the world better by killing annoying people. In the works is my second cookbook, Have Another Bite. (Could you tell that period was italicized?) This cookbook is chock full of tasty recipes from around the world. This book can be read as usual for its delicious recipes or simply for the delightfully funny tidbits and trivia at the end of each section. I also have a fourth novel in the wings called Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? where Debbie Devil, Satan’s wife and supermarket checker, tries to enslave a local hottie by making him eat evil mushrooms.

How does my work differ from others of its genre?

I’ve written in multiple genres: foreign adventure, Western, end of the world, and culinary. I have always tried to infuse them with humor. They are designed to be read with a chuckle over and over again. However, if you buy my books just to place them under a table leg and so make the whole table level, I’m okay with that as well.

Why do I write what I do?

I need to make people laugh. I like to take adventures in my mind, ones that are just not possible in real life.

How does my writing process work?

I have a writing process? Woo hoo! Okay, I have general idea of a slighty off-kilter universe. I populate them with cheerfully eccentric characters. I usually have an idea of the ending before I star, but rarely use it as I cheerfully embrace exciting changes in story direction.

Thank you gentle reader for learning about me. Please visit my mostly cooking blog: pauldelancey.com. You can find my Author Page on Facebook and I am on Twitter @PaulDeLancey. If you wish to find out more about my books, please look at my website: www.lordsoffun.com.

The next author on this blog tour is Donna Cavanagh . Here is her bio.

Donna Cavanagh is founder of HumorOutcasts.com (HO) and HumorOutcasts Press/Shorehouse Books.  Cavanagh is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience and her work landed in the pages of First Magazine, USA Today and other national media.  She is a faculty member of the Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop and The Philadelphia Writer’s Conference. A USA Books Contest finalist (Life On The Off Ramp), Cavanagh’s latest book, A Canine’s Guide to the Good Life, was penned with her dogs, which as you might imagine was no small feat (or should we say “paws”?).  She is host of BlogTalk’s HumorOutcasts Radio.

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Sleeping Teddy Bear

Fusion Entree

SLEEPING TEDDY BEAR

INGREDIENTSTeddyBear-

2/3 cup sticky rice (sometimes called short grain sushi rice, sweet rice, or calrose rice)
2 2/3 cups water
2 eggs
about 1 ounce cheddar cheese

SPECIAL UTENSILS

colander
scoop

PREPARATION

Put sticky rice and water in pot. Bring to boil on high heat, stirring frequently. Reduce heat to warm-low, cover, and let simmer for 15 minutes. Stir twice a minute. Drain rice using colander. While rice is cooking, beat eggs in bowl. Pour eggs into pan. Fry eggs at low-medium for about 5 minutes or until they reach their desired level of doneness.

Place two scoops of rice on plate to form teddy bear’s body. Smooth scoops together. Place fried egg on top of rice body .This is the blanket. Place one scoop at the top of the blanket to make the head. Put a partial scoop of rice on one side of the head. Put another partial scoop of rice on the the other side. These are the ears.. Put a third partial scoop of rice at the side and the top of the blanket. This is the paw that sticks out.

Put a thin 1″ by ½” slab of cheese above the head. This is the pillow. Put a tiny triangle in each ear and three on the head for the two eyes and nose.

TIDBITS

1) The word “colander” should be outlawed. It is nearly impossible to spell.

2) Nuclear weapons should also be outlawed. They’re dangerous!

3) Nuclear weapons made out of fissionable colanders worry me a lot. Suppose the nations do manage to get together to outlaw these fearsome weapons but can’t because none of the people writing the Colander Nuclear Weapon Disarmament Treaty (CNWDT) know how to spell colander.

4) But don’t worry, your Teddy Bear will protect you. It protected you at night from dangerous monsters when you were little. It will protect from dangerous weapons now that you have grown up. Once your Teddy Bear, always your Teddy Bear.

5) You don’t have a Teddy Bear?! Oh my goodness, get one, right away!

– Chef Paul

 

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com4novels

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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