Posts Tagged With: Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms

Exciting, Informative Football Headlines

Not all of us understand all the nuances and the intricacies of football. The following headlines from the San Diego Union-Tribune help us out:

1)
09-09-16a

 

 

 

I hadn’t thought of it, but yeah, that makes sense.

 

2)

09-09-16b

 

 

 

Another one of those things that seems obvious after someone else says it.

 

3)

09-09-16c

 

 

As opposed to nasally more confident or even adrenally* more confident.

 

I’d say more, but I want to spend some time to digest all this.

* = Spell check was cool with nasally but balked at adrenally, but I think I’m right on this.

Paul, sports fan

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

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Paul De Lancey Dares Donald Trump to Debate

Mr. Donald Trump,

I am challenging you to a debate. Your path to the White House is through me and the Bacon & Chocolate Party. Since this vibrant expression of democracy is my idea, the debate will be at a button2Mexican restaurant within twenty miles of Poway. You, as my esteemed opponent get to choose which Mexican restaurant. The winner of this debate gets to debate Ms. Clinton.

The gauntlet has been thrown. I await your response.

Bacon & Chocolate Party

President: Paul R. De Lancey
Vice President: Candace C. Bowen

And now a message from Ms. Bowen,

 Candace C. Bowen's photo.

Information on Bacon & Chocolate Party thoughts and goals.

Paul R. De LanceyDeLanceyPaul
Future president of the United States of America.

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback or Kindle on amazon.com and doesn’t involve any bankruptcies at all.

Categories: Bacon & Chocolate, humor, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Spotlight on Paul R. De Lancey – Author of “Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms?”

Excerpt from Chapter 1-A Loaf Of Bread

DeLanceyPaul

 

The tennis lady gave Joe a long look, her lip licking insinuating a wild hour of addressing and stuffing envelopes. “You know you really should try out for the Lutheran Chippendales.”
She waved goodbye, turned the corner, screamed, and was never seen again. Perhaps the bright reflections off the floor’s gold tiles blinded her, perhaps she got lost in Hungry Hank’s endless Lithuanian-food section, or perhaps she had talked too much and an enraged group of Ronald Reagan mimes got to her.
Joe brought his loaf of Roman Meal bread and pig balls to the Ten-Items-or-Fewer line. In front of him, a blood-splattered Young Republican, Hiram the Insignificant, unloaded the entire contents of aisle 6A onto the checkout counter. Joe thought about moving to the Eleven-Items-or-More lines, but he had only two items. And Lutheran discipline expressly forbade such chicanery. So for 2.9 minutes he dreamed of mushroom-free Thanksgiving dinners until his items moved up to the checkout lady, Deborah Devil.
The parchment skin of her face barely covered her skull. She sported a long bony nose that could double as a handy letter opener. Two golden horns emerged from the scraggly growth of her silver hair. The tip of a small tail swished just below the bottom of her dress. Hungry Hank’s sure took its role as equal-opportunity employer seriously.
Deborah Devil, or as The Supreme Evil preferred to be called, Debbie, did not permit Joe to see any of these demonic warning signs. He saw her as Shania Twain. Why a beautiful, fabulously successful singer worked the Ten-Items-or-Fewer line at Hank’s, he couldn’t say. But his heart pounded. And pounded.
No, some of that pounding came from his fist hitting the conveyor. Part of his brain had revolted against a grave injustice. “The customer in front of me had way more than ten items.”
Debbie sneered. “So?”
“It isn’t right. You should have directed her to another line.”
The evil checker pulled the plug to the cash register. “I don’t like your attitude.”
“That’s outrageous.”
She smiled and leaned forward. Damn, how come Hungry Hank’s let Shania wear her blouse so unbuttoned?
“Sure, hon, I know that. I wanted to get your attention ‘cuz Lutheran men make me so hot. And you’re all Lutheran.
“Tell you what, I’ll ring you up, Joe. All you have to do is be mine tonight, just tonight. C’mon, let Debbie make life fun for you.”
Joe sighed and in just two attempts averted his Lutheran eyes from her heaving breasts. “No, I love my wife. She’s the best. You’re great, but you’re not her.”
Debbie grimaced and pointed a claw-like hand–which always counted against her in beauty contests–toward the display of George’s Mushrooms. “Then buy those. Eat them. Then I’ll ring up your bread.”
“No way, mushrooms are the Devil’s food. I learned that way back in Lutheran Sunday school.”
Debbie’s chest heaved as she drowned out the store’s Lutheran love songs with laughter. “But that’s how I’ll make you leave your Episcopalian mushroom-cooking wife for me.”
Joe shook his head.
Shania licked her lips.
Joe gripped the Roman Meal. “The answer is still no, and I demand to talk to the manager.”
The horned lady rested her elbow on the platinum counter, her chin on her wart-encrusted hand. “Honey, no one manages me.”
A quite distant relative of Achilles came up behind Joe and asked Debbie, “Gonna serve anyone this century?”
Her red eyes flashed and the customer turned into a short monotoned economist. The man scurried away to explain the notion of constant elasticities of substitution to slow fleeing grannies.
One at a time, Shania fixed her eyes on Joe. “I’ll do the same to you if you don’t eat those mushrooms and leave your wife.”
“Mrs. Twain, you should be ashamed of yourself. Doesn’t your husband object to your affairs?”
“Call me Debbie. And no, that limp loser is too busy fighting a forever feud with that holier-than-thou Big Guy to notice my doings and my NEEDS. Shoot, and the sausages on the men that come in here just aren’t big enough, if you know what I mean.”
Debbie leered at Joe’s burgeoning crotch. “But man, ain’t you history’s best hung Lutheran.” Joe blushed. She stared again at his groin. “Man, I’ve worked this job 900 days waiting for you to come along, ever since I met your wife at Chez Episcopalian Beauty Parlor.” Debbie licked her lips. “But your wife didn’t say you were such a hottie.”
She panted and gestured for Joe to come hither. Joe thanked God for the Swedish heritage enabling him to stand firm against offers of fun. He placed his right hand over his heart. “I shall never eat enslaving mushrooms, no way. I shall never dally with you, nor shall I ever, ever leave my wife while I am in my right mind and blood flows through this body.”
The evil temptress laughed. “Fine, then you’ll continue to get new minds and new bodies until you give in.”

 

Author’s Bio

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Paul De Lancey writes in multiple genres: adventure, westerns, morality, time travel, thriller, and culinary, all spiced with zaniness. He is a frequent contributor to HumorOutcasts. His novels Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms?Beneficial MurdersWe’re French and You’re Not and The Fur West  and his cookbook Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World have won acclaim from award-winning authors.

Paul is also the writer of hilarious articles and somewhat drier ones in Economics. Dr. De Lancey obtained his Doctorate in Economics from the University of Wisconsin. His thesis, “Official Reserve Management and Forecasts of Official Reserves,” disappears from bookstore shelves so quickly that most would-be purchasers can never find it in stock.

Paul, known to his friends as Paul, was the proud co-host of the online literary events Bump Off Your Enemies, The Darwin Murders, and Tasteful Murders. He also co-collected, co-edited, and co-published the e-book anthologies resulting from these events. Perhaps Mr. De Lancey will someday  become a literary giant without having to die for the title.

The humorist is a direct descendant of the great French Emperor Napoleon. Actually, that explains a lot of things. Paul ran for President of the United States in 2012! Woo hoo! On the Bacon & Chocolate ticket.  Estimates of Bacon & Chocolate’s share of the votes range from 3 to 1.5% of the total. El Candidato also lost a contentious campaign to be El Presidente of Venezuela. In late 2013, Chef Paul participated in the International Bento Competition. The great statesman is again running for president, this time under HumorOutcasts’ sponsorship. Contact Paul before he gets elected to get that ambassadorship to Tahiti you’ve always wanted.

Mr. De Lancey makes his home, with his wonderful family, in Poway, California. He divides his time between being awake and asleep.

His books are available at: www.lordsoffun.com andamazon.com.

Categories: book reviews and excerpts, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lamb Stew From Western Sahara

Western Saharan Entree

LAMB STEW
(Mreifisa)

INGREDIENTS – BREADMreifisa-

4 cups flour (1 additional tablespoon later)
1½ cup water
¼ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon flour

INGREDIENTS – STEW

1 pound lamb
2 garlic cloves
2 medium onions
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup beef broth
1 cup water
½ teaspoon salt

SPECIAL UTENSILS

rolling pin
cookie sheet
Dutch oven

Makes 3 bowls. Takes 55 minutes.

PREPARATION – BREAD

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add 4 cups flour, water, and salt to large mixing bowl. Knead with hands for 5 minutes or until ingredients become a well mixed ball of dough . Dust flat surface with 1 tablespoon flour. Add dough to flat surface. Flatten dough with rolling pin until it is ½” thick. Place flattened dough on cookie sheet. Bake at 375 degrees for 30 minutes or until bread starts to brown. Set aside.

PREPARATION – STEW

While bread bakes, chop lamb into ½” cubes. Dice garlic cloves and onions. Add garlic, onion, lamb, and olive oil to Dutch oven. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens and lamb cubes brown. Add beef broth, water, and salt to Dutch oven. Bring to boil using high heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 45 minutes or until lamb is tender.

Crumble bread and divide equally among bowls. Pour equal amounts of stew into bowls.
TIDBITS

1) Mreifisa is an anagram for “I fire Sam.”

2) Sam is not a common name in Western Sahara.

3) In fact, Sam is a tour guide. He lead a group of foodies to Western Sahara to eat mreifisa, all perfectly normal.

4) But he headed east to rebel-held territory and got captured. Why did Sam take his charges east?

5) Because someone asked Sam, “Would he eat mreifisa on a beast. Would he eat in the east?”

6) “Yes,” said Sam while being held in a snake-filled pit. “I would eat on the sand. I would eat if it’s bland.”

7) “Would you,” said his captors, “eat it in the sky? Would you eat it while you die?”

8) “I would eat it in this life. I would eat it with my wife.”

9) “Would you eat it with a lord? Would you eat it on a sword?”

10) “I would eat it with a whisk. I would eat it with lutefisk.”

11) His blond, blue-eyed captives blanched at that. “You eat lutefisk?”

12) “Yes!” said Sam. “I’d eat lutefisk with a gnu. Do you want some lutefisk, too?”

13) “No, lutefisk does so stink. If we ate lutefisk, we’d need a shrink.”

14) Sam said, “Try it, try it I implore. If you don’t, I’ll bring more.”

15) “No,” said the leader Abu, “A thousand years hence, our tribe left Sweden. No more lutefisk we’d be eatin’.”

16) “Would you eat lutefisk in a tree? Would you eat it with a bee ?”

17) Abu said, “We would not eat it in a car. To not eat it, we’ve traveled far.”

18) Sam brightened when he said, “You’re not giving it a chance, that is plain. I’ll get you lutefisk flown from Spain.”

19) “Oh that lutefisk makes us ill We’ll release you, yes we will.”

20) Even though Sam and his tour group got released from the snake pit, some of the tourists seized on that event to demand their money back. So, I had to fire Sam.

21) Would you, could you fire Sam? Would you, could you eat this stew of lamb?

– Chef Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperpack
or Kindle on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Not to Do List – Part 4

NotToDo1

Since I’ve been so gosh darn successful at not doing the previous things I’d set out not to do, I thought I’d continue with my virtuous inertia and not do some more things. Here are things I won’t be doing today.

1) I will not eat eggplant.

2) I will not snack between snacks.

3) I will not call my congressmen to say, “Well done.”

4) I will debate anything with any penguin.

5) I will not untangle any cords.

6) I will not fry an egg in zero gravity.

7) I will not count my pennies.

9) I will not do any weeding.

10) I will not order spices over the internet.

11) I will not clean toilets.

12) I will not ride around my neighborhood on an elephant. Not even when the temperature drops in the evening.

13 I will not mix root beer with horseradish.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Five Things You Must Do in Boston

 

Ship

Too many visitors to Boston forget to do the following, essential things.

1. Breathe.

2. Eat.

3. Drink.

4. Sleep.

5. See the U.S.S. Constitution, “Old Ironsides.” It’s a famous wooden ship from the War of 1812.

– Paul R. De Lancey, travel adviserCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Palaw (Pilaf) From Turkmenistan

Turkmen Entree

PALAW
(pilaf )

INGREDIENTSPalaw-

2 pounds steak (rib eye, round, or chuck)
3 medium yellow onions
6 large carrots
¾ cup vegetable oil
4 cups basmati rice
6½ cups water
2 tablespoons salt

Makes 12 bowls

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven
Food processor for thin slicing

PREPARATION

Cut steak into 1″ cubes. Dice onions. Cut carrots into thin slices 3″ long. (A food processor that does thin slicing is a big help.)

Add beef cubes and oil to Dutch oven. Sauté beef for 10 minutes on medium-high heat or until beef starts to brown. Add onion and carrot. Sauté for 10 minutes or until onion and carrot soften. Stir occasionally.

Add rice, water, and salt. Raise heat to high and bring to boil. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer for 30-to-40 minutes. Stir three times. Be careful when stirring, especially if the food is near the top of the Dutch oven.

TIDBITS

1) This dish, palaw, is the inspiration for the hit TV show, PA Law. In this series, Detectives Donna Goreng and Ed Dejaj investigate rice crimes in the greater Philadelphia area. It’s not easy work for the bold and dedicated duo. The crimes are perpetrated by the Jell-O,TM Mold Militants, JMM!

2) Prior to 1970, every homemade dish was a Jell-O mold. These concoctions were often quite strange and offputting, like the tuna, oyster, Rocky Mountain oyster, bacon, peanut butter, sautéed eggplant and other science-fiction-like molds that graced the dining room table in that era.

3) Naturally, these molds made Americans cranky, resulting in many riots during the 1960s. Then we discovered palaw from Turkmenistan, hamburgers, and ice cream. Things calmed down something considerable. Except for the JMM. They hate our culinary freedoms.

– Chef Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperpack
or Kindle on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Not-To-Do List – Part 3

NotToDo1

It’s an awesome responsibility with millions of people looking to me for guidance on what no to do today, so I approached today’s list with great thought. So, here are the things I won’t be doing.

1) I will not take my paints and easel to the DMV to paint still-life scenes.

2) I will not move to Antarctica. It’s winter down there.

3) I will not get into any political discussion with a mime. That sort of thing always gets out of hand.

4) I will not check cans at the supermarket for “high fructose corn syrup.” I need a break. I’ll stay away from food buying today.

5) Oh gosh, see what 4) can do. I’m craving a TwinkieTM.

6) I will not repost anything that says, “Repost this.”

7) I will not buy a Twinkie.

9) I will not ask chickens, “Why did you cross the road?”

10) I will put aside my work on a Mobius-strip roller coaster.

11) I will not try to make sense of Middle-Eastern politics.

12) I will not read any of the on-line agreements that I must check before buying anything.

13 I will not buy a Twinkie.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

How I Will Save The World From Bigass Comets And War

Trampoline

If you’re like me, the thought of three-mile-wide comet striking the Earth terrifies you. I mean the last time we got hit by one, woowee, things were bad! We’re talking mass extinction with exclamation points everywhere!!!! And if you’re thinking I’m making all this up, go ask a dinosaur how things went down. Couldn’t find a dinosaur, could you? See? I was right.

Oh sure, there are some good things that would come with the obliteration of humanity. Some that occur to me: are eating English toffee ice cream and not caring a bit about the calories, no waiting in line at the DMV, no more filing of estimated taxes, never ever hearing again the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur, no more election ads, AND no more spring cleaning.

But no matter how much you try to put a happy face on this, mass extinctions are a bummer. You’ll miss things like: hot-and-heavy sex, breathing, shredded beef tacos in a crispy shell, root beer, and crossword puzzles*

So overall, I think it’s best if we deal with the incoming comets that everyone talks about. Here is my plan. It is devastating in its utter simplicity.

Have the comets bounce back into space off a three-mile wide trampoline.  Tada! The world is saved.

Of course, we’ll need helicopters to fly the trampoline to wherever it will be needed, but that should be easy to arrange. And in the meantime, it’ll  be a fantastic release for millions of energetic kids the world over who love to bounce, bounce, bounce. Face it, most people start wars because they’ve spent too much time with shrieking, whining, bored kids and just plain flipped out.

So, there you go, I’m saving the world at least two times. You’re welcome. I expect to Nobel Prize any moment now.

* = If you can find someone who lets you do crossword puzzles during hot and heavy sex, propose marriage immediately.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D. and future Nobel Prize winnerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Not-To-Do List – Part 2

NotToDo1

I have a will of iron. When I resolve not to do something, it stays undone. Here are things I shall not do today.

1) See my dentist.

2) Schedule a colonoscopy. (I’m not in the mood for deep insights to myself.)

3) Reorganize my office.

4) Dance the polka with Vladimir Putin. (I will not dance with any quasi-dictator who invades countries. I just won’t.)

5) Dance on the ceiling. (We have gravity in my fair city of Poway. It isn’t possible.)

6) Run the Marathon.

7) Or even the half-Marathon.

8) Conjugate verbs in Portuguese.

9) Appear in any on-Broadway musical.

10) Read the entire consent form on any website.

11) Eat or cook haggis.

12) Make at not-to-do list with thirteen items.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com.

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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