Posts Tagged With: snails

Comfort Rocks Banned on Airlines

Banned Comfort Companions

It was bound to happen. Today, all the major airlines banned the use of rocks as comfort companions.

“It was getting out of hand,” said Carl LaFong, CEO of Duluth Airlines. “First it was comfort dogs, then comfort cats–boy did they hide everywhere. Then it was comfort mice–boy oh boy, didn’t they cause a lot of shrieking. Then it was a comfort rhino. It caused an incident the very first time onboard. We had to ban them all.”

“Then about a month ago, Farine du Ble, traveling from Duluth to Paris, brought a painted rock onboard. She held it in her hand, turning it over and over. The passenger in the middle, Amos Keeto, said a rock companion was stupid. Ms. du Ble took offense and hit Mr. Keeto in the head with it. We had make an emergency landing in Gary, Indiana of all places. Comfort rocks are now banned.”

Indeed the Airline Safety Council took preemptive action and banned the following pets from comfort companionship:

ants
bats
bees
crocodiles (they mess the passenger count)
giraffes (not even if you can put them in the overhead bins)
lutefisk (not even a creature, still don’t try it)
snails

Additional pets may be added as needed.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., travel guru

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: travel | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Snail Rock Racing

The Indy 500 would be one of the most exciting races ever, if you could see it. If you manage to attend the event, the cars will be too far away. They’ll look like differently colored ladybugs. And the race is so noisy. Sure you could watch the 500 on TV. But then you get to see only one or two cars at a time where they tend to keep pace with each other. What’s the excitement in that?

No, you need to see all the contestants at one time to appreciate all the drama. How about people running? We can rule out the longer distances such as the mile. In this case,  the camera takes a wide view where the runners look like brightly colored, running lady bugs or it takes a close up, where we again see only two of the contestants.

How about sprinting? Hoo boy, Usain Bolt sure is fast and darned exciting to watch. But in these races, the whole thing is over in seconds. What do we do then with the rest of the day? We require a sport where we can see all of the entrants at any one time. We need a race that lasts minutes.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Snail Rock Racing!

On your marks, get set, go!

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: observations, sports | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

The French Plan For World Domination

Gentle Readers,

France, having failed to take over world under Louis XIV and Napoleon I, is on the march again. Oh no, this time it’s quest for world domination will not occur by force of arms. Mais non, it’s trying to take over one kitchen at a time. Then one house at a time. Then one city at a time and finally one nation at a time.

“But how,” you say, “is this possible?”

I’m glad you asked. A piece of what looks to be dried or cooked meat looking like France will show up mysteriously by your kitchen burner. If this dried-meat France is left undisturbed for more than an hour, it will emit waves that will turn your brain into one that loves France, loves everything French, and will live, fight, and die for La Belle France. That’s okay, but you will find yourself loving mushrooms, lamb’s brain, raw hamburger meat, and buttered snails.

Don’t let this happen! Keep your kitchen immaculate. At all times. And if you happen to like mushrooms, then you were most likely briefly exposed to a dried-meat France. See your doctor immediately and ever year after that.

Remember if you don’t tell your kids about buttered snails, then who will?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: food, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The Fart Primer

Our schools teach us how to solve quadratic equations. Our schools teach us how to compose essays on 19th-century English literature. They do not teach real-life survival skills. Specifically, they do not point out what foods make us fart. Say what you will about researching a prospective employer, all will go to naught if you bombard the interviewer with a barrage of deep and sonorous toots. Particularly if your blasts are stinky. So with the public welfare in mind, I present the following list. You’re welcome.

The worst fart causing foods are*:pintobeans

Bacon. Bacon! Bacon tastes great, worth any amount of farts.

Beans! What’s wrong with good ol’ reliable beans? “Beans, beans, the musical fruit . . . ”

Boiled cabbage. Smells like a fart when boiled. Still smells like a fart when farted.

Broccoli. There’s a reason President Bush didn’t like them.

Brussel sprouts. Must be tastier ways to construct a fart.

Candy: Especially if made with artificial sweeteners. Bad for the butt. Bad for the teeth. Bad at both ends.

Carrots: Improves your eyesight and more!

Cauliflower. Don’t let your dog eat this.

Cheese. Essential to modern cuisine, Italian, Mexican, you name it. Causes farts in countries around the world.

Collard Greens. Tasty if cooked right. Generates lethal farts either way.

Curry. The spice, not the actor.

Eggplant. Don’t let your dog eat this either.

Eggs. A versatile culinary ingredients. Eggs are essential to many fine dishes. Cooked by themselves, they are fart-making machies.

Fatty duck. Rendered goose fat is fantastic for making French fries. This dish is truly a doubled-cheeked sword.

French onion soup with cheese. Tastes great. The aroma changes on the way out, though.

Fried food, particularly fried chicken. Sometimes the taste is worth the consequences.

Frog legs. Why? Why? Why?

Lentils. Very vegetarian and vegan friendly. Not nose friendly.

Lutefisk. Smells horrible. Farting in a room with lutefisk will only make things smell better.

Milk. Especially if you have trouble breaking down lactose. Bowls of cereals, time bombs for the classroom.

Mushrooms. Slimy and fart causing.

Onion rings. Their taste will make guests want to come over. The farts will make them want to leave. Win. Win.

Pineapples. Visions of Hawaii. Odors of Hell.

Prunes. Makes you toot. Opens open your sluice gates as well.

Reconstituted beans. sulpher bombs. The ones backpackers use these on cross country trips. Your fellow trekkers will really believe they’re smelling a geyser or volcano.

Smoked oysters. Produce gourmet farts.

Snails with butter. Ew! Gross! Snails with anything are gross, expensive too. May I suggest beans?

Stuff canned in cottonseed oil. One of the food industry’s finest food-like products.

Tripe. Inards. Enough said. Stick with beans

* = Warning, results may vary.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: food | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Aioli Sauce

French Appetizer

AIOLI SAUCE

INGREDIENTSAioliSauce-

4 garlic cloves
4 egg yolks (possibly 1 more)
½ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon white pepper
1 cup extra virgin olive oil (1 additional cup later)
2½ teaspoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon warm water (possibly ½ teaspoon more later)
1 cup extra virgin olive oil

SPECIAL UTENSILS

mortar and pestle or garlic press

Makes 2 cups. Takes 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Peel garlic cloves. Crush garlic cloves with mortar and pestle or garlic press. Add egg yolks, crushed garlic, salt, and pepper to mixing bowl. Blend gently with whisk. Slowly add in 1 cup olive oil, whisking gently, but constantly. There should only be a thin drizzle of olive oil going into the mixing bowl. This process should take minutes. If you hurry the olive oil, you’ll just end up with a liquidy something. Then you’ll wander aimlessly in the nearby woods shouting, “Why? Why?” over and over again.

Add lemon juice and warm water, whisking constantly. Slowly add in remaining 1 cup olive oil, whisking gently and constantly until the oil gets absorbed and mixture is slightly thinner than mayonnaise. If aioli sauce curdles or separates, add 1 egg yolk and ½ tablespoon warm water into second mixing bowl. Beat with whisk. Gradually add curdled or separated sauce to beaten egg in second bowl. Mix gently with whisk. This sauce goes well with chicken proscuitto sandwiches, turkey sandwiches, raw vegetables, and fish.

TIDBITS

1) The Beatles were Britain’s greatest rock-and-roll band. They came to America in 1964 to star on The Ed Sullivan Show. But The Cinq Escargots, France’s greatest rock-and-roll band, had been Mr. Sullivan’s first choice. And why not? These jaunty musicians had electrified Gallic crowds with Je Voudrais un Oeuf and had made all the mademoiselles swoon with the ballad, Farine du Blé.

2) The Cinq Escargots didn’t trust American cooking. They brought their own snails. The snails got loose and stampeded the crowd. The show got cancelled. The Beatles replaced them and became famous. The disgraced Cinq Escargots flew back to France and became mimes.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: history, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Peanut Butter Pumpkin Pie

American Dessert

PEANUT BUTTER PUMPKIN PIE

INGREDIENTSPeanutButterPumpkinPie-

2 eggs
¼ teaspoon cardamom, ground
½ tablespoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon cloves, ground
¾ teaspoon ginger, ground
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
¼ teaspoon salt
¾ cup sugar
½ cup creamy peanut butter
1 15-ounce can 100% pure pumpkin
¼ cup honey
1 12-ounce can evaporated milk
2 x 8″-to-9″graham-cracker pie shells or 1 x 9″ deep dish graham-cracker pie shell
whipped cream for topping

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Add eggs, cardamom, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, nutmeg, salt, and sugar to large bowl. Beat eggs with whisk. Add peanut butter, pumpkin, and honey. Mix with whisk. Add evaporated milk. Mix again with whisk. Pour mixture into pie shell. Put filled pie shell in oven and bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes. Reduce temperature to 350 degrees. Bake an additional 40-to-45 minutes or until toothpick inserted into the pie’s center comes out clean. Cool on wire rack for 2 hours. Serve with life-giving whipped cream. Yay.

TIDBITS

1) Florida’s highest point is only 345 feet above sea level.

2) This is why few people travel to Florida for downhill skiing. That, and Florida’s lack of snow.

4) But even if Florida’s snowfall increased significantly, downhill skiing there would still not be popular. The state has no ski lifts, no not one.

5) And how do we know the altitude at the bottom of the high point’s slope isn’t something like 318 feet? That would only be a drop of 27 feet. And maybe it’s a gentle slope. Maybe it takes you a mile to ski down that 27 feet. Such a rate of descent would discourage most thrill-seeking skiers.

6) Of course, that slope might be exciting enough for snails. Do snails even have skis? I don’t know; I don’t run with that crowd.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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