obsevations

A Fun Renaming of the Bird World

 

How in the world did someone come up with the idea of calling a flock of crows a murder of crows? Were they pickled to the gills? Why not call a flock of crows a FLOCK of crows? However, it is unlikely we will be able to change everything to flocks with the Supreme Court busy deciding cases of great import and chaos in our federal government. And with people arguing on Facebook(tm) and Twitter(tm), no one is noticing what we do. We can get away with changing the little stuff.

Let’s do it!                                                                                                      A burrito of burrowing owls.

Let alter the names of the types of birds to something more interesting and alliterative. I humbly propose the following:

A Murder of Crows becomes A Cacophony of Crows

We can now have:

bird                           – flock name
——————————————————–
blackbirds              – blintz
bobolinks              – Big Mac(tm)
boobies                 – booger
budgies                 – bean dip
buntings                – bunion
burrowing owls     – burrito
ducks                     – DNA
elephants              – finch (an elephant is technically not a bird.)
falcons                   – fallacy
finches                   – elephant
hawks                    –  hemarrhoid
jays                        – jackhammer
larks                       – lithograph
loons                      – lutefisk
pigeons                  – pizza
starlings                 – strawberry
swans                     – sarcasm
woodpeckers         – wart

You’ll have to excuse me, a bunion of buntings just flew by.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Why Bluebirds Sing

 

About a million-to-some-three-thousand years ago, life was hard. Life was brutal. Life was boring. After a tough day hunting and killing a mastodon Joe Caveman naturally craved intellectual recreation. So he and his friends, those who survived the hunt, got together for a game of “rock, rock, rock.” But everyone played “rock” and the game ended in one tie after another. This so discouraged prehistory’s brainiacs that even the most cursory of intellectual pursuits, such as telemarketing and mime shows, were put on the back burner for millennia.

Then happy day, papyrus and soon afterward paper were invented. In one literary salon after another in ancient Egypt and Greece the forward thinkers flocked to hearty games of “Rock, Paper.” Life was worth living. Thinking was worthwhile. The Egyptians erected magnificent pyramids in their great joy. The Greeks, the Parthenon. The Chinese, the Colosseum.

Unfortunately, in 989 a lowly, but brilliant rag picker named Arlin reasoned thusly. If I pick rock and my opponent picks rock as well, I tie. If, however, he picks scissors, I lose. So, I either lose or tie with rock. If I pick paper and my opponent also picks paper, I tie. But if he picks rock, I win. So, I either tie or win with paper. Ergo, I should always pick paper. Within a scant fifty years, everyone picked paper and the games degenerated into ties, just as in the days of the caveman.

Joyless people stopped thinking again. The whole world plunged into the Dark Ages.

Then not so long ago, a Italian man with a bad haircut invented scissors. The game became Rock, Paper, Scissors. There was no same, optimal strategy. People could win and lose again. Thinking became worthwhile. The clouds parted. The bluebirds sang.  They’ve sung ever since.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Flags of the World – Red and White

How many times has this happened to you? You’ve been scrupulously observing quarantine regulations. But you’re finding abiding them harder and harder to take. You find yourself developing a serious case of cabin fever. Finally, you can stand it no longer, so you rush outside. But before you know it, you’ve somehow organized a massive military uprising. Your forces, armed men and women who were drawn to you by your animal magnetism, have conquered a large part of a large country.

You find yourself filled with rebellion remorse. You try to give back your conquered lands, but the brave lads and lasses who fought for you won’t have any of that. “Go back to school,” you say to them. They say, “We missed our deadlines for turning in our essays. No teacher is going to accept the excuse ‘I couldn’t get term paper done as I was participating in a rebellion. ‘Begone,” the teacher will say, ‘like I haven’t heard that one.’ So, we will all get Fs. Our GPAs will plummet. We’ll lose our scholarships. We’ll have to drop out of university. But we won’t be able to get a job anywhere because taking part in bloody insurrection is such a resume stain.”

So, there you have it. You’re stuck with your new country. But won’t the old country that still exists be angry at you? You betcha! Won’t they be chomping at the bit to reconquer their lost lands? Absolutely. Can they do it? No, you inadvertently overpowered their armed forces earlier. Remember? What happens if they ally with some powerful nation and attack you?

That is the nightmare scenario. The only way to stop this international coalition from forming against you is to fool the world into thinking your country isn’t a new, that it’s really part of an old and peaceful nation. How do we do this?

Simple, pick a flag that looks like the one from another country. How do I do that?

May I suggest limiting the colors of your new flag to red and white? There are simply scads of countries that use only red and white in their banners. Look at the Polish flag.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poland is at peace with everyone. Adopt this flag and the foreign armies will think you’re at peace with everyone. If you don’t want to use the Polish flag, possibly for copyright reasons, you flip it on its side, like this. And add a little cross and you get . . . Malta.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Malta is a tiny and peaceful land. But choices for your flag still abound. Remove the cross and rotate the flag one more time and you get . . .  Monaco’s and Indonesia’s flags.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monaco is far too tiny to invade anyone and Indonesia hasn’t tried anything like that decades. And now, if you still want a flag that’s guaranteed to confuse your fledgling nation’s with those of more-established countries but is a little bit more stylish, may I suggest that your peruse the following red-and-white flags.

 

 

You don’t even have to draw your flagian, not really a word, from a real country’s banner. Look at the Swiss and Red Cross flags.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’re almost the same flag! One of the two entities just switched colors with the other. Is this okay? And if you stare at the Swiss flag long enough will you see the Red Cross flag and vice versa? Something to think about.

Other countries have red-and-white flags, but didn’t make the cut for displaying their flags.  Anyway, honorable mention goes to:  Denmark, Georgia, and Japan.

So now you have many, many red-and-white flags to choose from. You new nation needn’t fear invasion, secure in the knowledge that the rest of the world will confuse your country with another. And that’s a good feeling.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: humor, international, obsevations, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Love Today

Some years back, I was in the men’s room at an airport. A man walked into a stall and closed the door. He immediately got on his cell phone. I didn’t listen in on the conversation and was in a foul mood anyway, having just gone through a long line at airport security. Then the man in the stall said, “I love you, sweetheart.” Presumably on his cell phone to his girlfriend and not to me.

Wow! True love. True love. Most men would have waited to call their sweethearts until they had pooped and wiped, but not for this Romeo. His love for his amour was so great he just had to tell her that very moment. He had shunned the hustle and bustle of every day and would no doubt leave the stall feeling much better.

Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the roses.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Cheddar Beer Soup

American Soup

CHEDDAR BEER SOUP

INGREDIENTS

1 carrot
1 celery stalk
1 small onion
2 garlic cloves
4 tablespoons butter
⅓ cup flour
12 ounces (1 can) beer (not dark)
2 cups chicken or vegetable broth
1¼ cups whole milk
1 teaspoon dry mustard
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
¾ pound shredded sharp cheddar
2 tablespoons fresh parsley

Serves 6. Takes 35 minutes.

PREPARATION

Dice carrot, celery, and onion. Mince garlic. Add butter to pan. Melt butter using medium heat. Add carrot, celery, onion, and garlic to pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium heat or until carrot and onion start to soften. Stir frequently.

Add flour. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 2 minutes. Stir constantly. Add beer, broth, and milk.. Continue simmering on low for 5 minutes. Stir frequently enough to prevent burning. Add dry mustard, pepper, salt, and Worcestershire sauce. Stir until well blended.

Add cheese and continue simmering at low heat for 5 minutes or the soup becomes creamy. Dice parsley. Add soup to bowls and garnish with parsley.

TIDBITS

1) Beer spelled backwards is reeb.

2) Reeb, however, spelled backwards is beer.

3) So beer spelled backwards a second time is beer.

4) This makes beer a second-order palindrome.

5) Many other words are second-order palindromes. See if you can find them.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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My Favorite Newspaper Headlines

Alas the art of fantastic newspaper headlines is disappearing into the mists of history. At one time, you could count on looking at The National Enquirer(tm) while waiting to check out your groceries. No longer. But I still remember how the following headlines made me chuckle:

6) “Tap the Amazing Healing Power of Ketchup”

(Who needs a pill?)

5) “Woman Steals Three-Headed Baby”

(Two-headed baby abductions are so common they’re no longer news.)

4) “News Reporter Eaten Alive by 80-ft. Dinosaur”

(I have a sneaking admiration for the correct usage of the hyphen between “80” and “ft.”)

3) “Archaeologists  Discover Skeleton of Satan. Find of the Century”

(Discovering that the Prince of Darkness existed and the Goodness reigns unopposed is only the find of the century. Geez, the millennium at least)

2) “Learn Ten New Ways to Talk to the Dead”

(I never knew the ten old ways. I’m so embarrassed.)

1) “L.A. Quake Opens Gates of Hell”

(There goes the neighborhood.)

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Balaleet

Qatari Breakfast

BALALEET

INGREDIENTS

¾ pound vermicelli
2 tablespoons butter or ghee (1 more tablespoon later)
3 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon cardamom
1 tablespoon orange blossom water or rose water
2 eggs
½ teaspoon saffron (loosely packed)
⅛ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon butter or ghee
1½ tablespoons pistachios

Serves 4. Takes 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Boil water. Break vermicelli noodles in half. Add vermicelli. Continue boiling for 2 minutes. (This will be less than indicated on the package.) Remove vermicelli in a colander. Add 2 tablespoons butter and sugar to 1st pan. Melt using medium heat. Stir constantly. Add cardamom, orange blossom water, and vermicelli to pan. Stir until blended. Reduce heat to low and cover. Simmer for 3 minutes or until liquid is absorbed. Set aside.

While vermicelli/orange blossom water simmers, add eggs, saffron, and salt to mixing bowl. Beat with whisk. until well blended Add 1 tablespoon butter to 2nd pan. Melt butter using medium heat. Add egg/saffron. Cook until egg mixture is done to your liking on bottom. Flip egg pancake over and again cook until the new bottom is done to your liking. Cut egg pancake into 4″-x-1″ strips.

Add vermicelli to plates. Top with egg strips. Sprinkle with pistachios.

TIDBITS

1) This dish is served on a round plate. Most meals are served on round plates.

2) Round plates have to be stored in cupboards.

3) Cupboards take up a lot of space in kitchens.

4) Why not serve food on square plates? After dinner, the square plates can be placed on the kitchen walls like tiles. Everyone loves beautiful tiles. And plates on the walls don’t need to be put back into cupboards. Fewer cupboards means more space in the kitchen. More space in the kitchens makes chefs happier. Happy chefs plate happy dishes. Happy cooking leads to happy dishes. And now the entire world is a happier place. And don’t we all want that?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Famous Sayings

“I see,” said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.
– anonymous

“I hear,” said the deaf man as he gathered his flock and heard.
– Phil Anderer

“I feel,” said the numb haberdasher as he picked up his cloth and felt.
– Ann Dover Michigan

“I taste,” said the taste-challenged policeman as he pointed he weapon and tazed.
– Amos Keeto

“I smell,” said the smell-challenged fisherman as he pulled in his cod and smelt.
– Barb Ell

“Able was I ere I saw Elba,”
– Napoleon

“Sacre bleu, then why didn’t you win at Waterloo?”
– Private Escargot, veteran of Waterloo,

“How much wood can a woodchuck chuck
“If a woodchuck could chuck wood?”
– anonymous

“How much ground could a ground hog grind
“If a ground hog could grind ground?”
– Al Bondigas

“How much fly could a fly paper fly?
“If a fly paper could fly paper?”
– Anne Thrax

“How much melon could a watermelon water
“If a watermelon could water melons?”
– Mel A. Tonin

“How much dog could a hot dog heat
“If a hot dog could heat dogs?”
– Deb U. Tant

“How much Sun could a sunscreen screen
“If a sunscreen could screen Sun?”
– Amber Waves

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Is Pope Francis Really Stan Laurel, the Famous Comedian?

Let’s  look at what we know. Pope Francis is a nice guy. Stan Laurel was a nice guy. The pope wants to make us smile. Stan wanted to make us smile. Whenever we want to feel better, to feel happier, we go to see both of them. We feel an instant connection with those two. Pope Francis always wears a hat, so does Stan Laurel. They both sport heart warming grins. What are the odds of finding two different people like that?

Just like we never see Clark Kent and SupermanTM together, so do we never find Pope Francis and Mr. Laurel in the same room. Indeed, just as Stan Laurel faded from the public eye, Pope Francis began his ascent in the church. They were and are great men, who have done great things for us. They could do this, because they are indeed the same person. Consider all this and consider as well the pictures above. Open your mind and decide whether or not Pope Francis and Mr. Stan Laurel are really one and the same.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Cooking Haikus

Cooking Haikus

Avoid tears while cooking.
Cut onions underwater.
Take deep breath. Get wet.

Have a pound of dill.
Nearby chefs are so jealous.
Defend home with mace.

Zen Chef wants pizza.
Make me one with everything.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Batter stay on. Stay on.
I will not impress my guests.
When you fall off meat.

Where’s the sour cream?
Where the measuring spoons? Cups?
Where’s the mixing bowl?

I am very rich.
I have completely cornered
The saffron market

Oh crap, crap, crap, crap
Must go to the store again.
Need ingredient.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: food, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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