Posts Tagged With: lutefisk

Don’t Block the Aisle With Your Shopping Cart

You work hard all day. Things went wrong. You’re seething with barely suppressed anger. But food is needed at home. So off to the supermarke you go. The one particular item you need is all the way down the aisle. This aisle is so long you can barely see the other end for the curvature of the Earth. You almost make it to your package of squid-ink spaghetti you need for that meal you were going to make for your Venetian boss, where you were going to ask for a much needed raise.

But, but, but, there’s someone blocking your way with her cart. You summon your last reserves of patience and say, “Excuse me, would you please move your cart.” But no, the oaf, she doesn’t move her cart. She is oblivious. You shout at her, “Move your fecking cart.” She sneers at you. “How rude.”

Your self control evaporates. The two of you tussle. Another shopper has filmed the whole thing and posts it everywhere. Shoppers everywhere take this video as a license to attack other shoppers. Shopping-cart riots engulf our great nation. This unbridled anger spreads to politics. Soon, all of America descends into undeclared civil war. Lutefisk vendors take advanage of the widespread chaos to sell lutefisk at our grammar schools. My forward-looking mind shuts down at this point.

DON’T BLOCK THE AISLE WITH YOUR SHOPPING CART!

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul R. De Lancey

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Murder Loses Its Appeal

Honestly, it’s almost enough to make one start eating lutefisk.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: murder | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Kunde

Kenyan Entree

KUNDE

INGREDIENTS

1 cup rice
1 medium onion
2 tomatoes
½ cup unsalted peanuts or ¼ cup creamy peanut butter
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
½ teaspoon coriander
½ teaspoon turmeric
½ teaspoon salt
1½ pounds black-eyed peas, cooked and drained
½ cup water

SPECIAL UTENSIL

food processor or coffee grinder

Serves 4. Takes 25 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cook rice according to instructions on package. Mince onion. Dice tomatoes. Grind peanuts in food processor until you get a paste. Add oil and onion to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Sur frequently. Add coriander and turmeric. Cook for 1 minute or until fragrant. Stir constantly.

Add tomato and salt. Reduce heat to medium and cook for 5 minutes or until liquid disappears. Stir frequently. Lightly mash black-eyed peas with a fork. Add peanut paste, black-eyed peas, and water. Bring to boil at high heat. Reduce temperature to low medium. Simmer for 5 minutes or until dish gets to the consistency of a stew. Stir enough to prevent burning. Serve over rice.

TIDBITS

1) Really ancient humans worshiped the Sun as a god. They could have adored the potato instead. But they didn’t. Not many peoples even had potatoes. So, it never occurred to these tribes to worship the mighty spud. It’s just like wanting to eat lutefisk when you’ve never heard of it. You wouldn’t want to; it’s horrible. Not enough half-centuries have gone by before I’ll eat lutefisk again.

2) Anyway, the Rohohoe tribe, prehistoric Kenyans, had the Sun and they worshiped it. After much discussion, the religious leaders decided that the best way to worship Sun was to make an entree out of: rice, onion, tomatoes, peanuts, veggie oil, coriander, turmeric, salt, black-eyed peas, and water. The brownish mix of ingredients in the middle represents the Sun and the rice, its rays. There.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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America to Deploy Lutefisk Defense Shield

The United States will deploy a lutefisk defense shield over all American cities. Says Major Carl La Fong of the United States Space Force, “No one, but no one, can manage to down an entire lutefisk. Our cities will be impregnable.”

Amos Keeto of Rid America of Lutefisk Post Haste (RALPH) applauded the move saying, “It’s about time we rid our land of lutefisk. It looks like boogers and smells like a rat died under a furnace. Putin won’t want to get anywhere our flying lutefisk.”

When asked what would happen should our shield should fail and lutefisk plummets down on our cities, Mr Keeto yelped and fainted.

 

Lutefisk pieces defend American cities.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. Paul De Lancey was fed lutefisk when he was a little boy. He says, “Not enough half centuries have gone by before I try lutefisk again.”

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Comfort Rocks Banned on Airlines

Banned Comfort Companions

It was bound to happen. Today, all the major airlines banned the use of rocks as comfort companions.

“It was getting out of hand,” said Carl LaFong, CEO of Duluth Airlines. “First it was comfort dogs, then comfort cats–boy did they hide everywhere. Then it was comfort mice–boy oh boy, didn’t they cause a lot of shrieking. Then it was a comfort rhino. It caused an incident the very first time onboard. We had to ban them all.”

“Then about a month ago, Farine du Ble, traveling from Duluth to Paris, brought a painted rock onboard. She held it in her hand, turning it over and over. The passenger in the middle, Amos Keeto, said a rock companion was stupid. Ms. du Ble took offense and hit Mr. Keeto in the head with it. We had make an emergency landing in Gary, Indiana of all places. Comfort rocks are now banned.”

Indeed the Airline Safety Council took preemptive action and banned the following pets from comfort companionship:

ants
bats
bees
crocodiles (they mess the passenger count)
giraffes (not even if you can put them in the overhead bins)
lutefisk (not even a creature, still don’t try it)
snails

Additional pets may be added as needed.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., travel guru

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: travel | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Punish the Printer Makers

People who design printers are the most vile, evil people on this planet. If I had a dollar for every time my printer jammed or I reset my printing preferences and did not have them stick, I would be able to buy, Amazon(tm), Google ™, and Microsoft(tm) and still have money left over to buy all the gold in the world. May they rot in Hell for all eternity. And while in Hell they’d have to . . .

1) Eat nothing but lutefisk

2) Listen to an endless loop of the Barney the Dinosaur(tm) song.

3) Get paper cuts that never heal.

4*) Have the instructions for cooking something be in a foreign language.

5) Sit next to a cholicky baby that smokes and needs a diaper change.

6) Wait in line at the DMV. When they get to the end of the line, the DMV closes for the day. They come back the next day to repeat the process.

7) Gather documents and all information for taxes and assemble that information in a useful way. Every day.

8) Bite into a chocolate-chip cookies to find it really has raisins in it.

9) Ask vegans why they are vegan. If they aren’t vegan, ask them why not.

10) Wake up hungover after drinking nothing but milk the previous day.

11) Type a term paper on a keyboard that’s missing the “e” key. Retype term paper until you get it right.

12) Pet a porcupine the wrong way.

13) Talk to a conspiracy theorist about anything while in line at the DMV.

14) Wait all to attend the grand opening of the latest Star Wars(tm) movie and find out you’re actually really going to a seminar on theoretical economics.

15) Get the eternal sniffles.

16) Lose your place completely in a 171,326 page book.

17) Have someone tell you won that championship game you recorded.

18) Have chapped lips but must smile over and over again.

19) Go shopping, but every aisle is blocked by someone’s shopping cart.

20) Pilot the Ever Given(tm) super tanker through the Suez Canal.

21) Do a crossword puzzle that requires a working knowledge of Sanskrit.

22) To live in a house strewn with Lego(tm) pieces and you have no shoes.

23) Drink curdled milk.

24) Drive behind someone who goes 30 miles under the speed limit.

25) Eat meat served just the way you don’t like it.

There, I feel better now.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Common Sense Solutions To Ending Crime

Crime is bad. Let’s get rid of it. Is our present system of incarceration working? No. Who was responsible for this?  Who will fix it? I will. How? I’m glad you asked. Here is my thirteen-step program.

1) Convicted criminals will never get bacon or chocolate.  Our current system allows prisoners to enjoy socialized bacon and chocolate.  That’s no deterrence at all. Geez!

2) Criminals will eat lutefisk at every meal. For beverages, they will have a choice of lutefisk tea and castor oil

3) Convicted criminals will download software for all the law-abiding citizens in their community. They will work with customer service until the myriad of issues are resolved.

4) Convicted criminals will be forced to shop WalMart(tm) on holiday weekends. Municipal, county, state, and federal governments will save billions and billions of dollars on prison construction costs, prison maintenance, and prison staff.

5) Criminals who leave WalMart will be sent to maximum-security cells for life. It bears repeating, these ne’er do wells will still be without chocolate and bacon for life . They will still do software downloads for life.

6) These ne’er do wells will also be forced, in their short free periods, to read and re-read James Joyce’s Ulysses until their minds explode trying to understand it. Moreover we will, if allowed, by human rights organizations, serve lutefisk everyday to our hardened criminals.

7) The prison TV will only show ESPN’s Canadian Curling Highlights.

8) Jailers will give the inmates paper cuts every day.

9) You will be put in Facebook(tm) jail whenever you use the word “the.”

10) These baddies will eat all those Christmas fruitcakes that people insist on giving, but nobody wants.

11) Convicts will seed and dice the hottest of hot chile peppers then immediately rub their foreheads. (Don’t try this at home.)

12) Prisoners must keep places in line for the elderly at the DMV. Twice a week too.

13) Criminals will be forced to listen to every high-school and college commencent speech within a 50-mile radius of their prison. This includes all speeches by students, faculty, and guest speakers. Yes, this is a severe punishment, but we must have a credible, strong deterrent against crime.

No person alive would even contemplate committing any crime when faced with the above thirteen consequences. Crime would disappear from our great country within the year. Money spent on law enforcement could be used to balance budget and distribute free bacon and chocolate to all Americans.

Now behave, don’t make me come back there.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: humor, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

A Fun Renaming of the Bird World

 

How in the world did someone come up with the idea of calling a flock of crows a murder of crows? Were they pickled to the gills? Why not call a flock of crows a FLOCK of crows? However, it is unlikely we will be able to change everything to flocks with the Supreme Court busy deciding cases of great import and chaos in our federal government. And with people arguing on Facebook(tm) and Twitter(tm), no one is noticing what we do. We can get away with changing the little stuff.

Let’s do it!                                                                                                      A burrito of burrowing owls.

Let alter the names of the types of birds to something more interesting and alliterative. I humbly propose the following:

A Murder of Crows becomes A Cacophony of Crows

We can now have:

bird                           – flock name
——————————————————–
blackbirds              – blintz
bobolinks              – Big Mac(tm)
boobies                 – booger
budgies                 – bean dip
buntings                – bunion
burrowing owls     – burrito
ducks                     – DNA
elephants              – finch (an elephant is technically not a bird.)
falcons                   – fallacy
finches                   – elephant
hawks                    –  hemarrhoid
jays                        – jackhammer
larks                       – lithograph
loons                      – lutefisk
pigeons                  – pizza
starlings                 – strawberry
swans                     – sarcasm
woodpeckers         – wart

You’ll have to excuse me, a bunion of buntings just flew by.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Join Bacon & Chocolate Party’s Invitational Virtual Riot, August 10.

Bacon & Chocolate Party supporters rarely stage mass riots. We have many differing views and would just cancel each other out. And what’s the point of expending a lot of energy to do that?

However, we do have opinions. It’s just that we don’t like to take rioting too seriously, if indeed we attend a riot at all. Brr! A lot of cranky people out there if you ask me. So what to do?

The answer is simple. The virtual riot. Yes, riot from the comfort of your own home. Why you can even watch reruns of I Love LucyTM while doing so.

Simply attend the FacebookTM event, Bacon & Chocolate Party’s Invitational Virtual Riot (BCPIVR), on August 10. Post pictures and short videos of riots. Funny signs and funny moments from riots are especially desired as we are a fairly shy bunch who appreciate a good laugh even during moments of intense civil disobedience. Set the world on its ear. Set the world on its tush. Join us!

Invitations will go out soon.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rizogalo (Rice Pudding)

Greek Dessert

RIZOGALO
(Rice Pudding)

INGREDIENTS

¼ cup butter
4½ cups whole milk
½ cup short-grain white rice
½ cup sugar
1 egg yolk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 teaspoon corn flour
¼ teaspoon cinnamon.

Makes 4 cups. Takes 3 hours.

PREPARATION

Add butter, milk, rice, and sugar to large pot. Bring to boil, stirring frequently. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 45 minutes or until rice is soft. Remove from heat. Whisk egg yolk in small bowl. Add egg yolk, vanilla extract. and corn flour. Mix with whisk until well blended. Ladle rice pudding into cups. Let cool at room temperature for 15 minutes, then in refrigerator for another 45 minutes. Sprinkle with cinnamon.

TIDBITS

1) There is quite a bit of stirring in this recipe. Doesn’t that all that stirring get tiring? Yes, it does. Which is why the Greek Aeronautics and Space Agency (GASA) has developed an autonomous robot designed for voyages to the asteroid belt.

2) Greek astronauts can’t afford to take their eyes off their rocket’s window for even one minute as asteroids and space rocks could crack their window. Whoosh! The astronauts would be sucked out by the vacuum of space. That would be horrible. So, you can see why GASA puts a rizogalo-making robot (RMR) on all missions.

3) RMRs are expensive. It needs enough artificial intelligence (AI) to make rizogalo without human aid. I also needs to cook in zero-gravity. Have you ever tried preparing rizogalo in outer space? It isn’t easy. The last time a human tried this the International Space Station was closed while Greek cleaning women were shuttled in. Getting all those globules with mops proved frustrating. The women had be trained for six months. The clean up took seven months. The Greek government ran up such a debt paying for this that it had enormous difficulties meeting its international obligations. Massive infusions of cash from Germany and other governments saved off default. Even so, the Euro almost collapsed. This would have destroyed the world economy. No one would have had money to buy clothes and most food. We would have been running around naked and eating lutefisk! So again, you can see why RMRs are essential on lengthy space flights.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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