are you a dick

Are You a Driving Dick?

Do you make other drivers’ lives miserable and dangerous? Take this test and find out.

Do you:

1) Do you occasionally run red lights? (2 points)

2) Do you routinely run red lights? (4 points)

3) Bonus points for question 2). Give yourself (2 extra points) for every car that run the red light before you? For example, if 4 cars run the red light before you do, then you get 4 * 2 = 8 points.

4) Do you routinely go 10 mph above the speed limit? (1 point)

5) Do you routinely go 20 mph above the speed limit? (3 points)

6) Do you routinely go 30 mph, or more, above the speed limit? (If yes, please stop taking the test. There’s no point to it. Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron is already on its way to have a “chat” with you. Best notify your next of kin to stay inside until its over.)

7) Park in handicapped parking when you are totally healthy, just because you won’t be there long? (1 points)

8) Back out of your parking spot without looking, because who could have possibly expected other cars to be in a fast-food restaurant’s parking lot? (1 point)

9) Text while driving? (2 points)

10) Not signal when turning? (1 point)

11) Not signal when changing lanes? (1 point)

12) Not a point observation but, OMG, did you not get the “blinker package when you bought the car?

13) For every lane changed above 1. (1 point) For example, you changed 3 lanes above 1 on a freeway. You get 3 – 1 = 2 points.

14) Slow do to 35 mph before exiting the freeway. (1 point)

15) Honk at other drivers? (1 point) Clarification, this only applies to road rage, not when you’re warning the other car that had you in its blind spot.

16) A car is patiently waiting at an intersection for a break in the traffic. You pull up enough to block that driver’s view. (1 point)

17) Sell lutefisk? (2 points) Sorry, this really isn’t a car question. I just really hate the food.

18) Pass by the menu at the drive-through lane, then take your time to decide at the to-go window?

19) Does your car spew great clouds of smog? (2 points)

20) Cut people off? (3 points)

21) Give others the finger? (1)

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What does your total score mean?

0 points: You are in no way a driving dick. In fact, you will go straight to Heaven when you die.

1-8 points: It’s still okay for you to drive without supervision. Think about your dickish traits and how you can overcome them.

9-16 points: Cause for alarm. You may still drive unattended. You will, however, be under constant surveillance.

17-24 points: You’re awful. You must post a bond before you hit the road. The bond will be forfeited to your surrounding motorists

25-32: You’re nearly erect. You must post a double bond before driving. You must also be accompanied by a guard who will taze you everytime you earn another point. (After he makes you pull over, of course.)

33+: You throbbing dick! You will not be allowed to drive at all. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate your foot if you do . A drone strike will obliterate you once you step outside.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., concerned motorist

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Are You A Fast Food Dick?

Are you a fast-food dick? Do you make the help or other customers’ time in the fast-food restaurant miserable? Take this test and find out.

Do you:

1) Wait until you get to the head of the line to read the menu? (2 points)

2) Refuse to let someone else order when you can’t make up your mind? (1 point)

3) Bring in the all-you-can drink cup you got from your last visit so you don’t have to pay for a soda this time? (2 points)

4) Write a check? It’s no longer the 20th century. (1 point. 0 points if you can’t get a credit card.)

5) Ask if the food is fresh? (1 point)

6) Ask if the food is fresh if you see it coming out of a freezer? (2 points)

7) Park in handicapped parking when you are totally healthy, just because you won’t be there long? (3 points)

8) Back out of your parking spot without looking, because who could have possibly expected other cars to be in a fast-food restaurant’s parking lot? (1 point)

9) Order over forty dollars of food? (0 points. This is okay, just be aware people behind you will hate you even though this is not dickish behavior.)

10)Talk loudly into your cell phone all the time? (1 point)

11) Yell at the low-paid store employees? (3 points)

12) Insist on using expired coupons? (1 point)

14) Get got completely by surprised that you will have to pay for your order? ( 1 point)

15) Try to pay with your order completely with unsorted coins? (1 point)

16) Yell at someone for not speaking your language? (3 points)

17) Steal a bagful of ketchup, mustard, taco sauce, or other condiment packages? (1 point)

18) Cause the fast-food restaurant to stop leaving out condiment packages? (2 points)

19) Have kids shrieking all the time and do nothing to stop them? (2 points)

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What does your total score mean?

0 points: You are in no way a fast-food dick. Congratulations.

1-4 points: It’s still okay for you go into a store unsupervised. See a doctor about your dickish traits while they’re still treatable.

5-8 points: Cause for alarm. You may still enter a restaurant unattended. You will, however, be under constant surveillance.

9-12 points: You’re awful. You must post a bond before you enter any restaurant. The bond will be forfeited to your surrounding shoppers, should you ever run up a score of nine or more points.

13-16: You’re nearly erect. You must post a double bond before going into any restaurant. You must also be accompanied by a guard who will taze if you accumulate a score of thirteen or more points.

17+: You dick! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate you if you enter any fast-food eatery. A drone strike will obliterate you once you step outside.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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