Posts Tagged With: wars

Chocolate Frosting

American Dessert

CHOCOLATE FROSTING

INGREDIENTS

1¾ cups heavy whipping cream
1¾ cups (10 ounces) semi-sweet chocolate chips
3¼ cups confectioners’ sugar

Makes 4½ cups. Takes 1 hour 15 minutes.

FROSTING NEEDED

Dessert Type Needs Cups of Frosting
—————– —————————–
2 layer cake                       3
3 layer cake                       4
12 cupcakes                      2
13″ * 9″ cake                     2

PREPARATION

Add heavy whipping cream to pan. Heat whipping cream at medium heat until cream just starts to bubble. Stir constantly. Remove from heat. Add chocolate chips. Stir with spatula or fork until all chips melt. Transfer to large mixing bowl. Keep in refrigerator until cooled and still pourable, about 40 minutes. Gradually add confectioners’ sugar.

Mix with whisk or fork. Lasts for 7 days in refrigerator when stored in Mason jar or other airtight container.

TIDBITS

1) Chocolate has pleased billions of people for thousands of years. Just saying “chocolate” puts even the most stubborn people in a good mood. This is why chocolate figures prominently in peace treaties, legislation, and court cases.

2) If only there were enough chocolate to dispel all disagreements, the world would be perfect.

3) But there isn’t. Powerful people try to secure the globe’s chocolate supply for themselves. The Aztec nobility monopolized Mexico’s chocolate. This bred fierce resentment among the poor Aztecs and in all of the surrounding tribes. So, when Cortés and his fellow conquistadors set out in 1519 to conquer the Aztecs, the chocolate-lacking Mexicans said, “Sure, why not? Go ahead.”

4) The gold-lusting Spanish then went onto conquer the Incans in Peru for its gold. Spanish gold financed over a hundred years of wars in Europe. And all this happened because the Aztec elite wouldn’t share its chocolate. So when people ask for part of your chocolate bar, give them some. Oh look, I have an extra line left. Let’s use this space to daydream about chocolate. Mmm.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook,  Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on  amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Roast Beef with Yorkshire Pudding

British Entree

ROAST BEEF WITH YORKSHIRE PUDDING

INGREDIENTS – ROAST BEEF

3½ pounds top sirloin or rib roast
1 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt (¼ teaspoon more later)
2 garlic cloves
3 tablespoons olive oil
½ tablespoon rosemary

INGREDIENTS – YORKSHIRE PUDDING

4 eggs
1 cup flour
¼ teaspoon salt
1 cup milk

SPECIAL UTENSILS

wire rack
roasting pan
cooking thermometer
aluminum foil
8″ * 8″ casserole dish

MEAT DONENESS

This recipe assumes that the center cut will be medium-rare and the end cuts more well done. But you can roast to your desired level of doneness. A rule of thumb has the following meat temperatures for the following cuts: Rare = 125, medium rare =135, medium = 145, medium well =155, and well done = 160.

Serves 8. Takes 2 hours 15 minutes.

PREPARATION – ROAST BEEF

Preheat oven to 475 degrees. Rub sirloin with pepper and 1 teaspoon salt. Mince garlic cloves. Add garlic, olive oil, and rosemary to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork. Rub sirloin with olive oil/garlic mixture.

Put wire rack in roasting pan. Put sirloin on wire rack. Roast at 475 degrees for 20 minutes. (Roasting is similar to baking but at a higher temperature.) Reduce heat to 375 degrees and roast
until meat thermometer in middle of sirloin registers your desired level, about 1 hour. (Please note that different ovens and different thicknesses of meat will make roasting time vary. Pay attention to the meat thermometer.) Place roasted sirloin on plate and cover with aluminum foil. Save drippings.

PREPARATION – YORKSHIRE PUDDING

After you put sirloin to oven, add eggs to cup. Beat eggs with whisk. Add flour and ¼ teaspoon salt to large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk. Add eggs. Mix with whisk until well blended. Gradually pour in milk, whisking while doing so until you get a smooth batter with the thickness of heavy cream. Let sit until roast beef needs to be removed from oven.

After removing roast beef from oven, raise oven temperature to 425 degrees. Add ¼ cup reserved drippings to casserole dish. Put casserole dish in oven. Heat drippings for 15 minutes or until drippings start to smoke. (Save drippings remaining after this step. Put casserole dish on stove top. (Carefully! The casserole dish contains hot oil.) Ladle batter to casserole dish. (Again, do this carefully.) Bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes or until batter puffs up and becomes golden brown.

PREPARATION – FINAL

Ladle any remaining drippings over roast beef. Carve the roast beef. (End cuts should be more well done than the center cuts.) Serve roast beef and Yorkshire pudding right away.

TIDBITS

1) The above picture shows a corner piece of the Yorkshire pudding. Notice how two edges of this piece puff up way higher than the rest of the pudding. In fact, doesn’t the entire corner piece look like a meadow full of golden wheat ripe for harvesting all set against two majestic mountains?

2) This is no accident. People have want to know what different places of the world looked like. Before the age of cameras, the only real way to depict landscapes and mountains was to paint them. But painting was slow and laborious. Making pigments for the paint colors cost lots of money. Finding the proper clays and pigment bases proved daunting as well.

3) By the time the client who’d commissioned a field of grain swishing in the wind before the Alps, he could already traveled to the Alps. Alps painting languished. Travel to Switzerland fell to zero.

4) Then in 1777, Chef Hans Gasthaus made Yorkshire Pudding for some British nobility. Hans noticed his pudding looked exactly like the wheat field and Alps outside the kitchen window. Hans journeyed from Alpine town to Alpine town skillfully making Yorkshire pudding that looked exactly like the local fields and mountain. He ‘dlet these creation dry out and send them to British tour guides.

5) Penurious British lords took to displaying their pudding art in their manors. After all, pudding art cost much less than a painting. Other chef painters turned out great pudding sceneries. It was the golden age of Yorkshire Pudding landscapes.

6) Alas, the French Revolution and the Napoleonic wars soon broke out. These bloody wars ruined everything. Flour, milk, and eggs which had powered the Yorkshire Pudding Landscape Revolution (YPLR) got diverted to feed the rampaging armies on the continent.

14) Yorkshire Pudding Art died forever. Our world became forever grayer. Hardly any (YPLR) examples remain. But if you can find an antique Yorkshire pudding, keep it. They’re worth millions.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Simplify Darts

Simple, Safe Darts

Has this happened to you? You’re off to the local bar to play for the Dart Championship. You have a five-year old girl, Stella. She adores you. She wants to play darts with you. “You can’t play darts with me, sweetie,” you say, “They serve beer and whisky there. You far too young to drink that stuff. Sorry, you’ll have to stay at home.”

Stella sulks and sulks. In fact, she will sulk every single day until she’s old enough to leave the house. During that time, she comes to learn about and revere Lizzie Borden, the woman who killed both her parents with an axe. Fortunately, you have a time machine. You go into the future and learn of your bloody demise. You recognize right away that you don’t want this.

So,

you buy the little princess her own darts and dartboard. Alas, being five-years old, Stella’s aim is quite poor. Her toss veers wildly off course and skewers Timmy’s right hand. Timmy will never master cursive writing. His classmates will tease him incessantly. Timmy will withdraw into himself. He’ll never write A Blueprint for Resolving All Disputes Everywhere. Without this blueprint, future wars won’t be stopped. Not ever. You go into the future again and are appalled.

So,

you buy Stella, foam darts and a foam dartboard. This time around–Hee hee, see what I did there–she doesn’t hurt anyone. However, add 17 + 3*20 and 13 proves too much for Stella’s young untrained mind. She learns to hate math. She develops a lively hatred for intellectuals and learning in general. Your princess nutures this hatred into a fierce desire to become President, or Prime Minister, if she moves to Britain. Once in power, she’ll completely sever all funding at all levels for education. Her country soon becomes completely ignorant of all things. Soon, the entire nation will be reduced to hunter/gatherers and is living in caves. You see this after travelling once more into the future. You resolve to stop this too as well.

So,

you again make Stella form darts and dartboard. This time, hee hee, the dartboard looks like the one above. Every toss of her dart, results in a score of one or zero. Even your young Stella can add ones and zeros. So, she won’t follow you to the bar. She won’t pierce her brother’s hand with a dart. She won’t reduce an entire nation to caveman status. In fact, Stella will growsup to be incredibly average. She’ll blends into the background and never really get noticed for anything.

But given, her alternative timelimes, you are very happy at that. You might even go to the bar and have two beers to celebrate.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: I simplify | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sweet and Sour Shrimp

Thai Entree

SWEET AND SOUR SHRIMP

INGREDIENTS – SAUCE

3 garlic cloves
1 small onion
2 tomatoes
1 tablespoon corn starch
2½ tablespoons water
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (1 cup more later)
3 tablespoons sugar
1 tablespoon fish sauce or Worcestershire sauce
3 tablespoons white wine vinegar
1 tablespoon Sriracha sauce or ¼ teaspoon cayenne
1 cup vegetable oil or enough to cover shrimp

INGREDIENTS – SHRIMP

1 egg
⅔ cup fine bread crumbs
1 pound shrimp (24-to-32 count), peeled and deveined
1 tablespoon sesame seeds

Serves 4. Takes 40 minutes.

PREPARATION – SAUCE

Mince garlic cloves, onions, and tomatoes. Add corn starch and water to cup. Mix with fork until well blended. Add garlic, onion, and 2 tablespoons vegetable oil to pain. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add tomato, sugar, fish sauce, and white wine vinegar. Bring to boil. Stir frequently. Reduce heat to low-medium and simmer for 10 minutes or until sauce reduces by one-fourth. Add corn starch/water and Sriracha sauce. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Remove sauce and set aside.

PREPARATION – SHRIMP

Add egg to small bowl. Beat egg with whisk or fork. Add bread crumbs to medium bowl. Dip shrimp in egg. Dredge shrimp through breadcrumbs. Repeat for all shrimp. Add 1 cup oil to pan. Heat oil using medium heat. Oil is ready, when a bread crumb will dance in the oil. Add shrimp. Deep fry at medium heat for 4 minutes or until shrimps are golden brown.

Add sesame seeds to pan. Toast sesame seeds on medium heat for 4 minutes or until they start to brown. Ladle sauce over shrimp. Garnish with sesame seeds. Goes well with rice.

TIDBITS

1) Sweet and sour shrimp is one of the world’s tastiest dishes.

2) If you are served this in America, you are a valued guest indeed. If your boss invites over and cooks sweet and sour shrimp for you.

3) However, If you’re served this in Thailand, you might or might not be asked to formally unite your family and their family in a marriage alliance. That’s how tasty this entree is.

4) Of course, people and nations change their outlooks all the time. Nowadays, a repast featuring this shrimp might just mean, “Wow, you are the best folks we’ve ever met. We’ll buy the neighboring house for you so we can all play bridge on Fridays and race elephants on Sunday.”

5) Then again, it might mean that marriage pact. In this case, your family and theirs will naturally try forming a new ruling dynasty.

6) Are you ready to rule Thailand?

7) Think it over carefully. Thailand already has a king and a military that is tied in closely with the monarchy. You will have to defeat them.

8) This means overcoming the King’s hundreds of thousands of supporters.

9) You and your Thai family allies will number ten to hundreds, depending whether on not you count all those in-laws that you don’t really like.

10) You will have to count heavily on the element of surprise.

11) All in all, it seems a rather risky endeavor just for the sake of one meal, no matter how tasty.

12) This is why I’ve written this recipe for you.

13) For serving sweet and sour shrimp in America simply means, “You seem nice. Enjoy my hospitality.”

14) In Britain, it means, “What ho, you’re a splendid sort.”

15) This is why a million Thai tourists travel the US and the UK. It’s just so relaxing to eat your food without the worry of fomenting revolution or making your host thinking you’re gauche in some other way.

16) As Sigmund Freud once said, “Sometimes sweet and sour shrimp is just sweet and sour shrimp.”

17) I know, I know, many people thought he said a “banana” instead of “sweet and sour shrimp,” but that is just a typo. An extraordinary typo, yes, but still a typo.

18) It’s a lot to take in. May I suggest reading What to Serve If You Don’t Want to Start Wars by Raymond Burr Ito.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How I Will Save The World From Bigass Comets And War

Trampoline

If you’re like me, the thought of three-mile-wide comet striking the Earth terrifies you. I mean the last time we got hit by one, woowee, things were bad! We’re talking mass extinction with exclamation points everywhere!!!! And if you’re thinking I’m making all this up, go ask a dinosaur how things went down. Couldn’t find a dinosaur, could you? See? I was right.

Oh sure, there are some good things that would come with the obliteration of humanity. Some that occur to me: are eating English toffee ice cream and not caring a bit about the calories, no waiting in line at the DMV, no more filing of estimated taxes, never ever hearing again the theme song to Barney the Dinosaur, no more election ads, AND no more spring cleaning.

But no matter how much you try to put a happy face on this, mass extinctions are a bummer. You’ll miss things like: hot-and-heavy sex, breathing, shredded beef tacos in a crispy shell, root beer, and crossword puzzles*

So overall, I think it’s best if we deal with the incoming comets that everyone talks about. Here is my plan. It is devastating in its utter simplicity.

Have the comets bounce back into space off a three-mile wide trampoline.  Tada! The world is saved.

Of course, we’ll need helicopters to fly the trampoline to wherever it will be needed, but that should be easy to arrange. And in the meantime, it’ll  be a fantastic release for millions of energetic kids the world over who love to bounce, bounce, bounce. Face it, most people start wars because they’ve spent too much time with shrieking, whining, bored kids and just plain flipped out.

So, there you go, I’m saving the world at least two times. You’re welcome. I expect to Nobel Prize any moment now.

* = If you can find someone who lets you do crossword puzzles during hot and heavy sex, propose marriage immediately.

– Paul R. De Lancey, Ph.D. and future Nobel Prize winner

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Danish Egg Cake (æggekage)

Danish Entree

EGG CAKE
(æggekage)

INGREDIENTSEggCake-

12 ounces bacon
1/2 small onion
¼ cup fresh basil
8 eggs
¼ cup flour
1½ cups milk
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric beater
large oven-proof pan

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 430 degrees. Cut bacon into ½” squares. Mince onion. Dice basil. Fry bacon in an on medium-high heat until golden and crispy. Stir frequently. (Be careful. Use one hand to hold the lid between you and the bacon or tilt the pan away from you when you stir.) Remove bacon and set on paper towel to drain. Clean pan.

Add eggs, flour, milk, pepper, and salt to mixing bowl. Mix with electric beater send on lowest setting until well blended and eggs begin to fluff. Spray oven-proof pan with no-stick spray. Add egg/flour mixture to pan. Reduce heat to medium. Cook for 4 minutes.

Place pan in oven Bake at 430 degrees for 15 minutes or until pancake becomes golden brown. Remove pancake from oven. Sprinkle bacon squares, onion, and basil on middle of egg pancake.

TIDBITS

1) Denmark in Danish is Danmark. Danmark was named after a man called Dan. Cool. When I become supreme ruler of the world, this planet will be known as Paul.

2) Rabbit jumping shows are popular in Denmark. These events have an even greater following in its birthplace, Sweden, where it is known as “Kaninhoppning”.

3) Rabbithopping-USA and the U.S. Rabbit Agility Association sponsor America’s rabbit jumping contests. It’s still much more popular in Sweden and Denmark. Sweden has been at peace since 1814; Denmark since 1945. America has fought multiple wars since then. Coincidence? Perhaps.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: