observations

Irony

Posted on May 2, 2024 by pauldelancey

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations, wise words | Tags: apocalyptic, beneficial, calculator, Chef Paul, Comic Chef, cookbook, irony, Lutheran, mess, murders, recipes, stress, stress reliever, thriller | Leave a comment

The Ten Commandments of Road Repair

Posted on April 23, 2024 by pauldelancey

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: face of evil, observations | Tags: apocalyptic, Comic Chef, commandments, cookbook, increasing safety, merging lanes, murders, road repair, Sabbath, school, school kids, ten commandments, thou shall not, thriller, traffic accidents, walking to school | 2 Comments

Classic Quote

Posted on March 16, 2024 by pauldelancey

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: observations, wise words | Tags: appetizer, beneficial, Carl La Fong, Comic Chef, cookbook, death, hunks, Lutheran, road, road repair, Roman, taxes, thriller, unfinished | Leave a comment

PORK MEDALLIONS

INGREDIENTS

1½ pounds pork tenderloin

¼ teaspoon oregano

½ teaspoon sweet paprika or paprika

¼ teaspoon pepper

½ teaspoon rosemary

1 garlic clove

1 small onion

1½ tablespoons olive oil

1 tablespoon butter

⅔ cup chicken broth

2 tablespoons parsley

SPECIAL UTENSIL

non-stick skillet or cast-iron frying pan

Serves 4. Takes 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cut pork tenderloin into 12 equal slices or medallions. Pat medallions dry with paper towels. Add oregano, sweet paprika, pepper, and rosemary to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Rub onto medallions. Dice garlic and onion.

Add olive oil and 6 medallions to skillet. Sauté each medallion for 3 minutes at medium-high heat or until golden brown. Remove medallions and set aside. Repeat for 2nd batch of medallions, although cooking times might decrease. Remove these medallions and set aside.

Keep heat at medium high. Add butter to skillet. Whisk butter and use spoon to remove brown bits. Add garlic and onion. Sauté for 1 minute. Stir frequently. Add broth, stirring gently. Bring to boil. Boil for 1 minute or until sauce thickens. Spoon the juice in the pan over the medallions. Garnish with parsley.

TIDBITS

1) The humble aardvark is a mammal that burrows at night. It hails from Africa and is the only living species of the order Tublidentata. I’ll bet you didn’t know that last bit.

2) On the other hand, a medallion is a large medal or something resembling a large medal such as a wall panel. It can even be some dish that resembles a small medal, such as a pork medallions. Pork medallions can be eaten. Metal medallions cannot. Score one for pork medallions. Aardvarks don’t eat pork medallions. They eat ants. They burrow at night and we have come full circle.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: cuisine, observations | Tags: aardvark, Africa, American, ants, Comic Chef, cookbook, entree, Lutheran, mammal, medallions, paprika, pork, rosemary, tenderloin, Tublidentata | Leave a comment

Drinking and Driving

Posted on March 5, 2024 by pauldelancey

It looks blurry because you’ve drunk too much.

Most of us have never had a DUI offense. We simply don’t drink enough to have an illegal Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) high enough for a citation. In California, the limit for alcohol in your blood stream is 0.08%.

But suppose your celebrating your darling daughter’s wedding. You’d like to toast her future life. You’d like to unwind with champagne at such a wonderful event, but you don’t want to drive drunk. It’s not safe. It’s against the law. A DUI offense could cost you thousands. You could lose your license. This would cripple your traveling flea-circus tour.

As it stands, the safe and legal BAC depends of the number of drinks you’ve had, your weight, and your sex as can be seen in table on the right.

Sobering numbers, and rightly so, but the celebrating driver has been given two signficant loopholes, changing your weight and your sex if you’re a woman. Let’s examine these loopholes.

1) Massive weight gain.

BAC is calculated by dividing the alcohol in your blood stream by your weight. Doubling your weight halves your BAC. I’m allowed to drink more alcohol, because of my weight, than are most men. So there is a huge incentive for the drinking man to tub up as the following table shows.

Drinks Legal for man if he Legal for woman if she
weighs more than weighs more than
—————————————————————–
1 75 67
2 150 133
3 225 200

4 300 267
5 375 333
6 450 400

7 525 467
8 600 533
9 675 600
10 750 667

2) Sex Change – Works only for some women

As the DMV’s table (at the top) shows, a woman who weighs 160 will be legally intoxicated if she has two drinks. However, if she opts for a sex-change operation to become a man, those same two drinks will leave her legal to drive.

Similarly, a woman who weighs 240 pounds will also benefit from a gender change.

Note well, these two options might not be the right choices for you. Side effects, consequences, etc.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: observations, wine | Tags: BAC, blood alcohol content, California, celebrating, citation, Comic Chef, DMV, DUI, gender, legally intoxicated, loopholes, sex, sex change, weight gain, woman | 1 Comment

Public Service Announcement – Online DMV Tests

Posted on March 4, 2024 by pauldelancey

Plate tectonics

My friend wanted to take the online DMV test. Her friend said it would be easier than driving to the DMV and taking the written driving test. So she plugged away on her cell phone at home. Off and on. For two days. And got nowhere slowly. The DMV’s test site was glacial when it worked. But mostly the test site stopped her cold, Often and early.

So she thought she’d use the computers at her library. Which was closed today. So we drove for 3o minutes to get to a library that was open. Logging on was a snap on the 13th attempt. She started the test, which stopped. For minutes on end. So. Many. Times. The stock market closed before she finished the test. From pillar to post, the test took her three hours. It took 30 minutes. So in total, the online test took four hours*, which is officially slower than plate tectonics.

All in all, I have to say, I was unimpressed.

* = You could have six colonoscopies in that time.**

** = To be fair, the online DMV test is discernably more pleasant.

Now you know.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: observations, Unbridled fun | Tags: Chef Paul, colonoscopies, Comic Chef, computers, cookbook, DMV, glacial, library, Lutheran, online test, pleasant, PSA, public service announcement, recipes, stock market | Leave a comment

Coffee Rub

Posted on March 3, 2024 by pauldelancey

American Appetizer

COFFEE RUB

INGREDIENTS

2½ tablespoons brown sugar

¼ cup ground coffee

1½ tablespoons garlic powder

1½ tablespoons onion powder

2 tablespoons smoked paprika or paprika

½ tablespoon pepper

2 teaspoons salt.

Makes ¾ cup. Takes 5 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add all ingredients to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Stir in spice jar or airtight container.

Should keep flavor for up to 6 months when stored in an airtight container. Use 1 table-spoon of coffee rub per pound of meat. Rub this seasoning onto meat before grilling.

TIDBITS

1) People often ask me, “Hey Chef Paul, how does your coffee rub compare to the leaning tower of Pisa?” I’m happy to reply.

2) In multiple travel guide books? Leaning Tower: Yes. Coffee Rub: no.

3) Can it stay completely upright?: Leaning Tower: No. Coffee Rub: yes.

4) How long did it take to make it? Leaning Tower: 199 years. Coffee Rub: 5 minutes.

5) How much does it take to get there or make it? Leaning Tower: $600. Coffee Rub: $1.

6) Do you need to travel for a day to get there or assemble the ingredients? Leaning Tower: yes. Coffee Rub: no.

7) Can you create a yummy meal by rubbing it on meat before grilling? Leaning Tower: no. Coffee rub: Yes.

8) Coffee Rub: 5 – Leaning Tower: 1, a convincing win for Coffee Rub over the Leaning Tower.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: cuisine, observations | Tags: American, appetize, brown sugar, Chef Paul, coffee, coffee rub, cookbook, grill, Leaning Tower, Leaning Tower of Pisa, onion powder, Pisa, recipes, smoked paprika, thriller | 1 Comment

Fajita Bowls

Posted on February 25, 2024 by pauldelancey

Mexican Entree

FAJITA BOWLS

INGREDIENTS

4 8″ flour tortillas

non-stick spray

½ teaspoon red chili powder

¾ teaspoon cumin

¼ teaspoon coriander

¾ teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice or chicken seasoning

1½ pounds chicken breasts

2 garlic cloves

1 small onion

½ green bell pepper

1 orange bell pepper

½ red bell pepper

4½ tablespoons vegetable oil (3 times at 1½ tablespoons)

1½ tablespoons lime juice (3 times at 1½ tablespoons)

¼ teaspoon TabascoTM sauce or a Mexican hot sauce

1½ cups lettuce

½ cup shredded Four Mexican cheeses

salsa (optional)

SPECIAL UTENSILS

4 nonstick tortilla salad bowl molds (nonstick and oven safe)

mandoline (optional)

lazy Susan, about 24 inches across, if you can find one.

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour.

PREPARATION – FAJITA SHELLS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spray both sides of tortilla with non-stick spray. Gently push flour tortilla down into tortilla mold. Do this for every tortilla mold. Put tortilla molds in oven. Bake at 375 degrees for 10 minutes or until tortilla molds brown around the edges and become crispy.

PREPARATION – FIXINGS

While tortilla bowls bake, make spice mix by whisking together in small bowl: chili powder, cumin, coriander, poultry spice, and Tabasco sauce. This is the spice mix. Cut chicken into strips ½” wide and 2″ long. Add ⅓ of spice mix to chicken. Mix until chicken is coated with spice.

Mince garlic cloves. Use mandoline to slice the onion into rings. Cut rings into fourths. Combine ⅓ of spice mix with garlic and onion. Use mandoline to slice all the bell peppers into rings. Cut bell-pepper rings into fourths. Combine ⅓ of spice mix with bell peppers.

Add garlic, onion , 1½ tablespoons vegetable oil, ½ and tablespoon lime juice to frying pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat or until bell pepper softens. Transfer to bowl on lazy Susan. Add garlic, onion, 1½ tablespoons vegetable oil, ½ tablespoon lime juice to frying pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Transfer to bowl on lazy Susan.

Add bell pepper, 1½ tablespoons vegetable oil, and ½ tablespoon lime juice to frying pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat or until bell pepper softens. Transfer to bowl on lazy Susan. Add garlic, onion, 1½ tablespoons vegetable oil, ½ tablespoon lime juice to frying pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat or until bell pepper softens. Stir frequently. Transfer to bowl on lazy Susan.

Add chicken strips, tablespoons vegetable oil, and ½ tablespoon lime juice to frying pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat or until cooked through. Stir frequently. Transfer to bowl on lazy Susan.

Shred lettuce. Put lettuce and cheese in bowls on lazy Susan. Fill tortilla bowl with chicken, onion/garlic, bell pepper, lettuce, and cheese. Arriba.

TIDBITS

1) It is doubtful there ever was a real lazy Susan.

2) To clear the good name of Susan, here is a list of famous Susan singers: Susan Boyle, Susan McFadden, and Suzi Quatro–Okay a variation on Susan, but I listened to her in college, so there.

3) Famous Susan actresses: Susan St. James, Susan Hampshire–I watched her in a Masterpiece Theater series during college; she rocked, Ms. Hampshire–Susan Dey, Susan Lucci, Susan Oliver, Susan Sarandon–star of the cult classic Rocky Horror Picture Show–and Susan Hayward

4) Famous Susan authors: Susan Cheever, Susan Isaacs, Susan Sontag–I have a book of hers sitting on my bookshelf–and Susan Fromberg Schaeffer.

5) Famous U.S. senator: Susan Collins.

6) Famous social reformer and women’s right activist: Susan B. Anthony

7) Famous interdisciplinary structural biologist: Susan S. Taylor

8) Famous dog of Queen Elizabeth II: Susan.

9) Famous Susan mass murderers: None.

10) Famous Susan dictators: None.

11) See? Susans are brilliant and nice. I can vouch for the niceness of every Susan I’ve met.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: cuisine, international, observations | Tags: bell peppers, bowls, chicken, chili, cumin, Elizabeth II, entree, fajita, garlic, good food, Mexican, onion, Susan B. Anthony, Susan Collins, Susan Hayward, Susan S. Taylor, Susan Sontag, Suzi Quatro, Tabasco, tortilla | Leave a comment

It All Became Clear

Posted on February 18, 2024 by pauldelancey

It was the least of times. It was the worst of times. I struggled all morning to gather all the information to complete my taxes. Did you know that passwords exist for the sole purpose of excluding only the people who have a legitimate purpose of visiting an important website.

Then things got worse. I had to dredge the hard-won numbers off the internet. I spent maybe four hours to get documents printed. Did you know that your printer, on its own device, can switch your default page size to something that the printer can’t print? Mine did. But it did print reams of unwanted pages. Why, the blazes, do printers always insist on trying print the entire 37-page document? Why do they make it so difficult to stop the print job? Suffice it to say the air around me became hazy with legions of cuss words overlapping each other. What was the source of all this evil?

And then Occam’s razor came to mind. The simplest solution is the correct one. And here it is.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: observations | Tags: Comic Chef, cuss words, default page size, evil, internet, legions, murders, Occam's razor, Paul R. De Lancey, printer, recipes, simplest solution, supreme evil, taxes, whimper | 1 Comment

Garlic Naan

Posted on January 11, 2024 by pauldelancey

Indian Appetizer

GARLIC NAAN

INGREDIENTS – NAAN

1 teaspoon sugar

2 teaspoons yeast (room temperature)

⅓ cup warm water

3⅓ cups flour

½ cup warm milk

¼ cup olive oil (a total of 6⅓ tablespoon more later)

½ cup plain yogurt

¾ teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon olive oil (5⅓ tablespoons more later)

5⅓ tablespoons olive oil (16 times with 1 teaspoon each time)

INGREDIENTS – GARLIC SAUCE

2½ tablespoons ghee or butter

1½ tablespoons minced garlic

2 tablespoons fresh cilantro

Makes 8 naans. Takes 2 hours.

PREPARATION – NAAN

Add sugar, yeast, and warm water to large mixing bowl. Mix with fork until sugar and yeast dissolve. Let sit for 10 minutes or until foamy. Add flour, warm milk, ¼ cup olive oil, yogurt, and salt. Mix with fork until well blended. Knead with hands until a smooth dough ball forms. Add 1 tablespoon oil. Rotate dough ball in oil until well coated. Cover and let sit for 1 hour or until dough ball doubles in size. Push down on dough.

Add dough ball to flat surface. Divide dough ball into 8 mini-dough balls. Dust flat surface with 2 tablespoons flour.) Roll out mini-dough balls until they are ⅛”-to-¼” thick and about 6″ wide. These are your naans. Add 1 teaspoon olive oil to pan. Warm at medium-high heat until a tiny bit of dough starts to dance. Add 1 mini-dough ball to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 1 minute or until bubbles form on top. Carefully flip naan, add 1 teaspoon olive oil and sauté for another 1 minute. Repeat for remaining naans. (Sauté tend to diminish with each naan.

PREPARATION – GARLIC SAUCE

Mince cilantro. Add ghee to small pan. Melt ghee at medium heat. Add garlic. Sauté at medium heat for 30 seconds. Stir frequently. Brush naans with equal amounts of ghee/garlic. Sprinkle with cilantro .

TIDBITS

1) It’s rainy outside. This makes people, like me, silly. So these tidbits will be devoted to naan sense.

2) Q: What’s the IT’ crowd’s favorite food?

A: Naan o’ Bytes.

3) Genghis Khan, a Haiku

Mongol Genghis Khan

Who conquered lands far and wide

Ate our Garlic Naan

4) Naan

Nan’s Naan

Nun Nan’s Naan

Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan

Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs

Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly

Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly nervous Ned’s

Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly nervous Ned’s nerdy

Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly nervous Ned’s nerdy named

Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly nervous Ned’s nerdy named gnomes’ knowledge

Nun Nan’s Nantucket Naan needs nearly nervous Ned’s nerdy named gnomes’ knowledge now

5) Q: Can a naan become an American president?

A: Yes, if was baked in America more than 35 years ago.

6) Q: Doesn’t a president have to be alive?

A: That’s why naans who want to become president get frozen.

7) Q: Doesn’t the American Constitution say anything against cryogenically frozen people?

A: No, it does not, but neither does it specifically rule out naans.

So probably frozen naans are okay to preside over America.

8) Q: But won’t the frozen naan will need to thaw when it’s time to run things? I mean, once it’s thawed, it will only last a few days if left out or at most a few weeks in the fridge?

A) Yes indeed. This is why political parties try to pick a qualified candidate for vice president.

9) Q: Couldn’t a progressively stale naan picked a fresh naan to be vice president? Then when that naan becomes president, select another naan to follow in its footsteps? Couldn’t we have one naan president after another until the next election?

Categories: cuisine, international, observations | Tags: American, appetizer, Comic Chef, constitution, cryogenically frozen, garlic, Genghis Khan, ghee, Indian, it, milk, naan, olive oil, President, yogurt | Leave a comment

observations

Irony

The Ten Commandments of Road Repair

Classic Quote

Pork Medallions

American Entree

PORK MEDALLIONS

Drinking and Driving

Public Service Announcement – Online DMV Tests