Posts Tagged With: duck

The Fart Primer

Our schools teach us how to solve quadratic equations. Our schools teach us how to compose essays on 19th-century English literature. They do not teach real-life survival skills. Specifically, they do not point out what foods make us fart. Say what you will about researching a prospective employer, all will go to naught if you bombard the interviewer with a barrage of deep and sonorous toots. Particularly if your blasts are stinky. So with the public welfare in mind, I present the following list. You’re welcome.

The worst fart causing foods are*:pintobeans

Bacon. Bacon! Bacon tastes great, worth any amount of farts.

Beans! What’s wrong with good ol’ reliable beans? “Beans, beans, the musical fruit . . . ”

Boiled cabbage. Smells like a fart when boiled. Still smells like a fart when farted.

Broccoli. There’s a reason President Bush didn’t like them.

Brussel sprouts. Must be tastier ways to construct a fart.

Candy: Especially if made with artificial sweeteners. Bad for the butt. Bad for the teeth. Bad at both ends.

Carrots: Improves your eyesight and more!

Cauliflower. Don’t let your dog eat this.

Cheese. Essential to modern cuisine, Italian, Mexican, you name it. Causes farts in countries around the world.

Collard Greens. Tasty if cooked right. Generates lethal farts either way.

Curry. The spice, not the actor.

Eggplant. Don’t let your dog eat this either.

Eggs. A versatile culinary ingredients. Eggs are essential to many fine dishes. Cooked by themselves, they are fart-making machies.

Fatty duck. Rendered goose fat is fantastic for making French fries. This dish is truly a doubled-cheeked sword.

French onion soup with cheese. Tastes great. The aroma changes on the way out, though.

Fried food, particularly fried chicken. Sometimes the taste is worth the consequences.

Frog legs. Why? Why? Why?

Lentils. Very vegetarian and vegan friendly. Not nose friendly.

Lutefisk. Smells horrible. Farting in a room with lutefisk will only make things smell better.

Milk. Especially if you have trouble breaking down lactose. Bowls of cereals, time bombs for the classroom.

Mushrooms. Slimy and fart causing.

Onion rings. Their taste will make guests want to come over. The farts will make them want to leave. Win. Win.

Pineapples. Visions of Hawaii. Odors of Hell.

Prunes. Makes you toot. Opens open your sluice gates as well.

Reconstituted beans. sulpher bombs. The ones backpackers use these on cross country trips. Your fellow trekkers will really believe they’re smelling a geyser or volcano.

Smoked oysters. Produce gourmet farts.

Snails with butter. Ew! Gross! Snails with anything are gross, expensive too. May I suggest beans?

Stuff canned in cottonseed oil. One of the food industry’s finest food-like products.

Tripe. Inards. Enough said. Stick with beans

* = Warning, results may vary.

 

Chef Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Great Arctic Eats – Iqaluit, Nunavut, Canada

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Hankering for the siren call of Canadian-Arctic cuisine? But also want to trace the failed footsteps of early explorers seeking the fable Northwest Passage? Well then, Iqaluit is a must stop for you.
The highest rated restaurant according to TripAdvisor is 

The Gallery with its superb and varied dishes is the town’s highest-rated restaurant. While dreadfully lost tourists from Indonesia might appreciate its nasi goreng, most connoisseu rs rave about its local dishes such as: musk-ox stew, Arctic cassoulet made from caribou, musk ox, game sausage, bacon, and duck, and of course, its Arctic bouillabaise.

French-food gourmands will certainly want to make the will-sappingly long and expensive flight to Iqaluit to dine at The Granite Room at Discovery Lodge Hotel. And my gosh, burgers lovers take note. The Snack–yes that is its name–has the best burgers ever.

The best Lebanese cuisine in Iqaluit is still found at Yummy Shawarma. Why go all the way to the tumultuous Middle East? Drop in at the Stonehouse & Grill for the artists’ hangout and great bar. Don’t leave  without sitting down at the wonderfully named Kickin’ Caribou for the best poutine in town.

Iqaluit’s restaurants

Enjoyers of dog-team racing and igloo building cannot afford to miss Toonik Tyme. This annual festival runs from April 11 to April 20 and celebrate the Sun’s return. Good morning indeed! The Allaniat Arts Festival goes from June 27 to July 1. Enjoy art, music, film, dance, theater, and … Circus Acts. Arctic Circus! And don’t forget, Iqaluit celebrates Nunavut Day on July 9 with throat singing!,  drum dancing, and traditional cuisine.

– Chef Paul4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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