Posts Tagged With: Scottish

My Not to Do List – 5

NotToDo1

I’m continuing with my virtuous inertia. Here are things I won’t be doing or eating today.

1) I will not cook or eat lutefisk. Cooking lutefisk in banned by the Geneva Convention. It looks like boogers, smells like a rat crawled on top of furnace and died, has the consistency of phlegm, and is otherwise unpalatable.

2) I will not make or eat haggis. This Scottish delicacy is an intestine stuffed with innards. Eating this food made the Scottish warriors tremendously fierce. The only reason the Scots didn’t conquer greats swaths of the world is because they kept coming up against the Vikings who ate lutefisk.

3) I will not cook or eat liver and onions. This culinary atrocity is a favorite of college cafeterias everywhere is the real reason why some 50% of students never graduate.

4) I will not eat VegamiteTM. The stench from this dried veggie/yeast paste can wake up people on the second floor even if all doors are closed. In grad school, a housemate didn’t properly put the lid back on. I had to go downstairs and . . .  I can’t go on. The memory. Augh! The memory.

5) I will not prepare food with a penguin. They have definite culinary ideas and will end up taking over your kitchen.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com.

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Tourtiere (Canadian Meat Pie)

Canadian Entree

TOURTIERE
(meat pie)

INGREDIENTSTourtiere-

1 pounds ground pork
½ pound ground beef
1 medium onion
1 small brown potato
1 garlic clove
¼ teaspoon allspice
¼ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon ground clove
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
¼ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon thyme
1¼ cups water

1 small egg
1 pastry for 9″ double-crust pie

SPECIAL INGREDIENT

9″ pie pan

Takes 2 hours

PREPARATION

Dice onion. Peel potato. Slice potato into ½” cubes. Add top thirteen ingredients, ground pork to water, to large pan Bring to boil using high heat. Stir frequently. Cover, reduce heat to low-medium, and simmer for 30 minutes or until onion and potato are soft. Stir occasionally, enough to keep ingredients from burning. Add water as necessary to keep mixture moist.

Line pie pan with layer of pastry. Add pork/beef/potato mix to pie pan. Let cool at room temperature, about 30 minutes. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Cover pork/beef/potato mix with top layer of pastry. Use fork to push edges of the pastry layers together. Use knife to make 6 1″ slits in top pastry layer. Add egg to small mixing bowl. Beat with whisk. Brush top pastry layer with thin egg coating. Bake at 400 degrees for 40 minutes or until golden brown.

TIDBITS

1) I wish I had known about the following event when I was more athletic, agile, and the intellectual terror of the world. But whatever you skill level, run, jump and hop to the Rock, Paper, Scissors World Championship in Toronto, Canada. Rock, paper, scissors (RPS) is often called the best non-violent resolution to conflicts the world over. It must be so; Canadian RPS grand masters have successfully kept their country out of major conflicts for decades. Culinary personal trainers will tell would be contestants dedicate 30 minutes each day to finger-flexing, wrist-twisting, and elbow-bending exercises if they wish to do at all well at the championship. Cross training by playing chess is often recommended as well.

2) The more aquatically minded tourists head to Nanaimo, British Columbia, for its four-day marine festival. All sorts of fun events take place, but really everyone is looking ahead to the the World Championship Bathtub Race (WCBR) which takes place on the last day. It’s a 36-mile race across the Georgia Straits which presumably is nearby. Serious contestants $3,000 on their tubs outboard motors. And after the race, why not cruise the Canadian coast in your tub? Traveling by airplane, car, train, or even cruise ship is so 2014. Just be sure to carry a good life jacket and stay close to shore, and avoid big ships.

3) Perhaps the best Elvis impersonator festival in the world occurs in the summer at the Collingwood Elvis festival which thank goodness, is held in Collingwood, Ontario. This festival draws a variety of people . . . Oh heck, no it doesn’t. Only lovers of Elvis’ music will go. Oh, and Elvis impersonators. Expect to see lots and lots of Elvis impersonators. This is a good thing, however, if you love Elvis’s music and if you don’t love his songs, then why are you attending an Elvis festival?

4) Clear your musical palate by attending the Accordion Extravaganza! in Edmonton, Alberta. Pop in on all sorts of concerts, workshops, dances, and competitions, all featuring the accordion. Accordion lovers will melt in ecstasy here. Accordion haters will spontaneously combust. Culinary psychologists speculate that the three leading causes of divorce are: 1) monetary problems, 2) infidelity, and 3) irreconcilable–Woo! I spelled that word right on the first try–over accordion music.

5) Looking for something to do after your significant other combusted? Then make your way to the Poutine Festival in Drummondville, Quebec. Poutine, perhaps Quebec’s most famous dish, consists of French fries, beef gravy, and cheese curds or mozzarella. Listen to wonderful music while tasting caloric culinary greatness. Heart specialists are standing by.

6) Sluggish after overindulging with poutine? It’s delicious, who could not? Then have someone take you to Calgary, Alberta, International Festival of Animated Objects.. Puppet shows and performances with other animated thingys touch on dark, troubling themes. Even though, many of the shows are supposed to be family friendly, it all seems rather ominous.

7) Clear your head of scary puppets by attending any number of Scottish festivals around Canada, where they eat Scottish food, dance to Scottish music, and do all sorts of Scottish things.

8) Continue to embrace your inner Northern Europeaniness by raiding your way to the Icelandic Festival in Gimli, Manitoba, in August. The festival features a Viking encampment AND demonstrations of Viking warfare. Woot! Way Cool! Way Cool! I want to go there. I want to go. Take me with you, I’ll be ever so good. I’ll cook and clean, and everything. There is also a Viking parade which is also way cool. And don’t forget the crowning of the Fjalkona, the Maid of the Mountain. The Fjalkona is held to be the female incarnation of Iceland. Heavy responsibility, you bet! This is festival is so cool. Please take me with you.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pork Colombo

French Guianese Entree

PORK COLOMBO

INGREDIENTSPorkColombo-

1½ pounds pork loins
2 garlic cloves
1 onion
1 tomato
3 tablespoons Colombo powder (See above recipe.)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 cups chicken or vegetable stock
2 tablespoons lime juice
1 teaspoon Scotch bonnet sauce or habañero sauce (This are spicy!)
1½ tablespoons chives
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
½ tablespoon thyme

Makes 6 bowls. Takes 1 hour.

PREPARATION

Cut pork loins into 1″ cubes. Mince garlic. Dice onion and tomato. Add pork cubes and Colombo powder to mixing bowl. Use fork to thoroughly coat pork cubes with Colombo powder.

Add coated pork cubes and vegetable oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add garlic, onion, and tomato. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add chicken stock, lime juice, Scotch bonnet sauce, chives, peppers, salt, and thyme. Simmer at low-medium heat for 30 minutes. Stir occasionally.

TIDBITS

1) According to culinary historians, Scottish clansmen, from the 12th century on, would rub Scotch bonnet peppers onto their shaved heads before engaging in battle. Naturally, the fiery Scotch bonnet burned their noggins something considerable, so much so the clansmen became the fiercest of warriors. No army could stand up to them in hand-to-hand combat. “Here comes the Scotch bonnet heads” was a byword for terror for the invading English armies over the centuries.

2) Finally, the English hit upon the idea of shooting arrows tipped with lutefisk at the Scottish pikemen. The Scots retreated in terror. England and Scotland would become part of Britain. The English units lobbed lutefisk at the enemy warriors. The Scottish infantry, beserk with pepper heat penetrating their brains would smash through the disorganized infantry. It was an enduring formula for victory on the battlefield. Britain would soon conquer most of the world and there you go.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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