Posts Tagged With: habanero

Bad Advice Friday, 3-31-17

Today is once more Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad.

RO asks: Why do I need a trip to Hawaii?

Dear RO: Your life is stressful. Destressify your life or you’ll flip out and murder someone. Although a good lawyer should be able to get you off with manslaughter, you’ll do serious time in jail, which will cost the tax payers a lot. The state will have divert funds from hiring teachers at their universities in order to lock you up and feed your for ten-to-twenty years. The state doesn’t want to do that, you don’t want to rot in jail, and the victim doesn’t want to die. There is an opportunity for a deal. Simply walk into the governor’s and ask money for a calming trip to Hawaii if she doesn’t want to be offed. I guarantee you that within seconds she and her staff will be discussing your request with the utmost seriousness.

*********************************

RSD asks:

What is your recipe for greatest sleep ever? What tricks of the sleep trade do you have to share?

Dear RSD:

No matter hard you try, getting a good night’s sleep the first night is impossible. To heck with that noise, go for a good night’s rest the second night. To ensure a solid slumber on the second night, you simply must be completely wired with caffeine the first night. Go early to your neighborhood café or coffeehouse and chain drink coffee. Ask for a ThermosTM full of espresso. Take a walk with the Thermos until its empty. Come back for a refill. Go for another walk. Repeat, you’ll be amazed how much exercise your legs and your heart will be getting. And your mind, my gosh, it will be active all night long reviewing your life. When the next night finally comes, you’ll be so exhausted that you will sleep the sleep of the just. Happy dreams!

**************************************************************

DH asks: How do I keep my dog from eating butter? I go to make cookies and it’s gone.

Dear DH: The dog keeps eating your butter because it tastes good. However, being the dog whisperer that I am, I know that no dog will eat anything that turns its mouth into the fiery inferno of Hell and pooping into a burning river of lava. So, I suggest buying habañero flavored butter. If you can’t find that at your supermarket, you’ll need to inject pureed habañero into the butter. (Be sure to wash your hands before touching your genitals, though.) Then leave the butter out. If the dogs senses something’s amiss, allay its fear by eating the butter first. The dog will follow your lead. Now, the two of you will scream, or bark, at the top of your lungs to be released from life. Of course, the dog will never eat butter again and you will never leave the butter out again. But you will have bonded forever with your pet. All ends well.
***********

JAS aks: If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why can’t I?

Dear JAS: Bluebirds can’t fly beyond the rainbow. The leprechauns won’t allow it. They have an anti-happy-little-bluebird force field deployed. The leprechauns don’t want to share their pots-o-gold with gold-bricking bluebirds. The only way for a blue bird to penetrate the force field is to be shot out of a cannon with the same force that NASA uses to launch rockets. It’s astounding that the wee birds go through unscathed through the force field using that method. One would think they’d be annihilated. NASA and the Pentagon are thinking the same thing. They’d be very grateful if you could discover the blue birds’ secret technology. So, buy yourself a cannon put yourself in it and fire away. Good luck! Don’t forget to let NASA and the Pentagon know about technological breakthroughs should you should survive.
**********************

KM How do I get my cat to watch television? She does a lot of other cute things, so why not that, too?

Dear KM: Buy a can of tuna. Buy catnip. Smear tuna and catnip all over your TV screen. Your cat will be sitting in front of the TV forever.

********************

JR asks: What’s the best starter for a charcoal grill: gasoline or diesel?

Dear JR: Those charcoal briquets are absolutely flame proof. Rural firemen stack them to form impenetrable firewalls out there in the hills. But you want to use charcoal anyway, so the challenge is to use them this one time while curing you of the desire to ever use them again. Put the inert charcoal briquets in the grill. Add gelignite to the grill. Gelignite is safe; I’m reasonably sure it doesn’t go off accidently. Activate gelignite; hitting it with a hammer or pointing a flame thrower at it ought to do the trick. The resulting explosion will scatter your briquets for miles and miles in every direction making it impossible to find them. Oh, you’ll likely to be flung for quite a distance as well. Be sure to have your cell phone with you. It’s doubtful you’ll be able to walk and you’ll be wanting a friend to drive you the ER. However, you’ll never want to go through the frustration of trying ignite charcoal again. I mean, who needs that?

********************************

ABG asks: Red wine or white wine with breakfast? asking for a friend.

Dear ABG: Red wine goes with red food such as ham. White wine goes with white food such as egg whites. If you have something like bacon, however, with its white and red stripes, you’ll have to have a glass of white wine for each white, fatty stripe and a glass of red white for each red stripe. Why? Something in red wine overpowers something bad in red foods and similarly for white wine. (I read something to this effect on a bulletin board in the Med School library in college some decades ago.) So drink up. It’s possible you’ll get too drunk to drive. This is all to the good. It’s not safe to drive anymore. They’re all animals out there. Omg, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say what wine to drink with bacon that’s been in the fridge so long that it’s turning grey. Grey bacon should, of course, be paired with a good Grey Riesling.

******************************************************

JCA asks: If I see a chicken crossing the road, should I follow?

Dear JCA: First check to see if the road is actually a Mobius strip. If so, following the chicken will simply get you to your starting point. (Of course, you’ll be upside down on the strip. You will fall on your head if you’re not wearing anti-grav boots. Is the chicken wearing anti-grav boots? If not, you’re probably safe from the perils of a Mobius strip.)

Is the chicken heavily armed? If so, it’s probably going into combat. Are you heavily armed as well? If you are, it’s okay to follow. Be sure to bring anti-septic lotions with you though, as chickens can walk under barbed-wire fences while you can’t. It’s this attention to detail that gets us through life.

Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Advertisements
Categories: bad advice | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Advice Friday, 3-24-17

Today is once more Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad.

GC asks: Is there a reason for putting a banana in meat loaf?

Dear GC: Yes, it’s absolutely essential training if you want to murder someone and get away with it. Sure you could shoot someone dead, but then you’d have to dispose of the murder weapon and those pesky policemen are sure to find it–yes, diligence can be annoying in others–and match up the bullets in the victim to your gun and before you can say, “Bob’s your uncle,” you’d be in jail. No, it’s better to suffocate your victim by shoving a banana down his throat. Then pull out the banana and cook it in your meatloaf. Not only will you have gotten away with murder, but you’ll have a tasty meal as well. And isn’t good eating a worthy goal in itself?

**********************************

CC asks: What should I have made for dinner tonight?

Dear CC: It depends. If you like the guests, let the professionals do the cooking. I suggest having Lasserre in Paris cater the event. Certainly, hiring the top chefs in France at a moment’s notice and hiring a supersonic private jet fly them to your kitchen will probably bankrupt you. However, this will be a dinner that you and your guests will savor for the rest of your lives.

However, if you despise your diners, I suggest almond chicken with a bechamel/X-LaxTM sauce and a habañero/mango smooth. Bon appétit.

***********************************

KJS-O asks: How best to pimp-my book?

Dear KJS-O: Book promoting techniques come and go. I recommend one that has stood the test of time, robbing a bank and taking hostages. I guarantee national coverage, especially if you rob a bank in a big city. Be sure to look your best for the cameras. All America will be watching you and judging you by your appearance. By all means, demand an interview with a TV reporter. This will give you the opportunity to read from your book. And remember to stay poised; you won’t be giving another interview for ten-to-twenty years.

******************************************
JAS asks: Do you know the way to San Jose?

Dear JAS: No, but neither do ants know the way to anything. However, they always find your food in minutes, even if you’ve just turned your back on it for one minute to get a TupperwareTM container. That minute turns into ten as you yourself turn into a cussing banshee trying to get a top that matches the container bottom. Anyway, the ants will find your food you left on the counter top in those ten minutes, guaranteed. How do they do it? They have no GPS. They just march forward in ever widening circles until they find your food. Which they do every time, so there must be something to it. So, I suggest driving in ever widening circles until you find yourself in San Jose. Be sure to visit the Winchester House while you’re there. It’s great.

******************************************

MB asks: What color should I paint my toe nails?

Dear MB: Your toe nails should match your belt, particularly so if you find yourself interviewing for a job while wearing flip-flops.

***************************

RAS asks: Should I cut off my big toe for no reason?

Dear RAS: Absolutely not! Cutting off your toe should be for a reason. For example, you’re at your friends’ party. They ask you to take off your shoes. You are a polite guest, so you do so. Then you stub your big toe. My gosh the pain. You go off on a ten-minute swearing tear until the pain subsides. Your friends are pointing to the door. You are no longer welcome at their house. Wouldn’t it be so much better to cut off your big toes in advance than commit this grievous faux pas over and over again. You have only two big toes to lop off, but you can lose dozens of friends if you don’t.

****************

SL asks: What color should I make the sky on April 1st?

Dear SL: I’ve always been partial to green. Hire a small plane. (Don’t forget to hire a pilot as well!) Pour green paint out the plane. Then count on your friend, the one with a huge fan to keep the green paint suspended in air.

************************

Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: bad advice, Winchester House | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Carnitas

Mexican Entree

CARNITAS

INGREDIENTScarnitas

4 pounds boneless pork shoulder or loin
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon oregano
½ teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons lime juice

1 large onion
½ cup fresh cilantro
¼ cup orange juice

3 garlic cloves
1 medium onion
1 orange
¾ cup shortening or lard
8 9″ or 20 5″ flour tortillas

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven

Makes 8 or 16 carnitas depending on size of tortillas. Takes 3 hours 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Chop pork into 1″ cubes using cleaver. Add pork, chili powder, cumin, oregano, salt, and lime juice to large mixing bowl. Turn pork cubes until they are well coated. Cover and let marinate for 30 minutes.

While pork marinates, dice small onion and fresh cilantro. Add diced onion, cilantro and orange juice to small mixing bowl. This is your salsa.

Mince garlic cloves. Cut medium onion into slices ¼” thick. Separate orange into sections. Add shortening to Dutch oven. Melt shortening using medium-high heat. Add marinated pork, garlic, sliced onion, and orange sections. Cook on medium-high heat for 15 minutes or until pork cubes brown on all sides. Stir frequently. Cover Dutch oven and reduce heat to low and simmer for 1½ hours or until pork cubes are tender to the fork. Stir every 5 minutes.

Uncover Dutch oven. Continue to simmer pork/veggies for another 30 minutes or until most of the liquid has evaporated or been absorbed. Microwave all tortillas for 30 seconds. Top each tortilla with an equal amount of pork/veggies and salsa.

TIDBITS

1) It seems hard to believe, but culinary historians assure us that cars were once made with carnitas. It’s true, carnitas is an anagram for satin car.

2) It all goes back to 1910 and Mexico. The tightly knit Mexican aristocracy monopolized the nation’s political power, wealth, and satin. Black satin dresses were all the rage among high society. No wealthy woman would think of appearing in public without one. That was fine. That left just satin for peasant women to wear on weddings, bar mitzvahs, and the such.

3) Then in early 1910, Doña Josefa Enero regarded her Allis Chalmers with disdain. Although her motorman kept the car purring and shiny, something was missing. Something that made her embarrassed to be riding in it in public.

4) “Cinco albondigas!” she shouted. The car was made of metal! A true lady with Spanish blood could not been seen wearing a metallic vehicle. Satin! Satin! She needed to be clothed in a satin car.

5) So, the Eneros ordered a satin car for everyone in their family. Their neighbors, the Tortas, the Flans, and the Ceviches did as well.

6) Naturally, with the whole Mexican elite making their cars out of satin, there was no material left for the peasantry.

7) No satin for the peasantry. No weddings. No bar mitzvahs. No docile peasantry.

8) One evening in early 1910, an angry Nita Menudo dipped six habañero peppers in Doña Febrero’s tea before serving. Her mistress’ mouth erupted in fire. She slapped Nita. Nita ran crying all the way home.

9) Her irate husband, Roberto, took to the hills. Realizing that was useless, he came back.

10) “I will avenge you!” he roared. He clutched a knife and headed to the Febrero estate. The Revolution of 1910 – 1930 had begun.

11) It was a long walk–Nita was always driven–and by the time he got there, he was too tired to attack anyone. He limped home in shame. “We need transportation,” said Roberto’s astute neighbor, Ernesto Flautas, “if we wish to launch raids against our greedy pig masters.”

12) “O drato,” said Roberto, “we have no money to buy metal to make a car. Ai, yi, yi.”

13) “Que frijoles you are,” said Nita. “We have vast herds of wild pigs destroying our crops. Slaughter the pigs and let the meat bake in the hot sun until it becomes tough as metal. Then you make your cars. Then you can attack the rich. Then we can be free.”

14) So, the Mexican peasants made car out of pork. The people called the car “Nitas” after the woman who hatched the idea. Hence, “carnitas.”

15) The Revolution would rage for twenty years. This dish was created to honor the car that won it.

cookbookhunksChef Paul

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World,  with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Pork Colombo

French Guianese Entree

PORK COLOMBO

INGREDIENTSPorkColombo-

1½ pounds pork loins
2 garlic cloves
1 onion
1 tomato
3 tablespoons Colombo powder (See above recipe.)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 cups chicken or vegetable stock
2 tablespoons lime juice
1 teaspoon Scotch bonnet sauce or habañero sauce (This are spicy!)
1½ tablespoons chives
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
½ tablespoon thyme

Makes 6 bowls. Takes 1 hour.

PREPARATION

Cut pork loins into 1″ cubes. Mince garlic. Dice onion and tomato. Add pork cubes and Colombo powder to mixing bowl. Use fork to thoroughly coat pork cubes with Colombo powder.

Add coated pork cubes and vegetable oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add garlic, onion, and tomato. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add chicken stock, lime juice, Scotch bonnet sauce, chives, peppers, salt, and thyme. Simmer at low-medium heat for 30 minutes. Stir occasionally.

TIDBITS

1) According to culinary historians, Scottish clansmen, from the 12th century on, would rub Scotch bonnet peppers onto their shaved heads before engaging in battle. Naturally, the fiery Scotch bonnet burned their noggins something considerable, so much so the clansmen became the fiercest of warriors. No army could stand up to them in hand-to-hand combat. “Here comes the Scotch bonnet heads” was a byword for terror for the invading English armies over the centuries.

2) Finally, the English hit upon the idea of shooting arrows tipped with lutefisk at the Scottish pikemen. The Scots retreated in terror. England and Scotland would become part of Britain. The English units lobbed lutefisk at the enemy warriors. The Scottish infantry, beserk with pepper heat penetrating their brains would smash through the disorganized infantry. It was an enduring formula for victory on the battlefield. Britain would soon conquer most of the world and there you go.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mostly Helpful Cooking Tips #3

 People often ask me, “Paul, what is the secret to culinary happiness?” Here are four more tips.

1) Guys, do not scratch your balls immediately after removing seeds from an habanero pepper. Watch your hands first. Thoroughly.

2) Warm beer cools downs faster in a sink of cold water than it does in the fridge or freezer. This is because water has a much higher heat-transfer coefficient than air.

3) Is microwaving taking up too much of your time, time that you could have been using to build a financial empire? Well then, this tip is for you. Punch in 6-0 for sixty seconds instead of 1-0-0 for one minute. It results in the same amount of microwaving, but you will have saved yourself the time required to press that third button. You will now have an extra tenth of a second to do investment analysis. Enjoy your millions.

4) Speaking of saving time, how many times have you made your perfect meal, the best meal of your life where everything turned just right, and your guests literally walked to their cares singing your culinary praises? Well, just once. But it doesn’t have to be that way with the Bushnell 303 Time Machine. Whenever your more likable guests show up for dinner, simply fire up the ol’ reliable 303, go back in time to that special night when you made that perfect meal, return with your food fit for the gods, and serve it to your guests. And best of all, with your Time Machine, you’ll never have to cook a perfect meal again. You’ll say, “Thank you, Bushnell.”

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: