1) Block the aisle with your cart? (2 points)
2) Still leave your cart in the way, even when you see someone coming toward you? (1 point)
3) Keep the doors to the refrigerated section open so long that they frost over? (1 point)
4) Wait until the cashier has given you your total to start filling in your check? Presumably you knew the name of the store, the date, and even your name when you got in line. (2 points)
5) Write a check? It’s no longer the 20th century. (1 point. 0 points if you can’t get a credit card.)
6) Walk down the middle of the aisle with your cart? This is a mobile version of 1). (1 point)
7) Spend five minutes individually examining every green bean before making your selection? (1 point)
8) Steal a grape and then ask the store to pay for your tooth repair when you didn’t read the stupid sign that said SEEDED. (1 point)
9) Wait until you are in the middle of checking out before asking the cashier product questions? (1 point)
10) Unload thirty or more items at the “15 items or fewer line?” (2 points)
11)Talk loudly in your cell phone all the time? (1 point)
12) Yell at the low-paid store employees? (3 points)
13) Ram someone’s heel with your shopping car? (1 point)
14) Say, “You should have moved faster.” when the person yelps in pain? (1 point)
15) Pile your stuff on the belt before the person in front of you has finished unloading hers? (1 point)
16) Walk off with someone else’s cart? (1 point)
17) Bring out a fistful of paper coupons and argue over an expired one for 25 cents? (2 points)
18) Bring your whole family with you, so multiple people can block the aisle? (1 point)
19) Have kids shrieking all the time and do nothing to stop them? (2 points)
20) Let your kids play tag around the checkout lanes as they squeeze themselves between other people’s carts? (1 point)
21) Leave the line when the cashier is almost done checking you out because you forgot something? (1 point)
22) Interrupt someone’s transaction with the checker to ask about the whereabouts of the Spanish organic wine…and when told, replying, “yes but it’s red wine, I want white wine?” (1 point)
23) Eat out of the bulk bins? (1 point)
What does your total score mean?
0 points: You are in no way a supermarket dick. Congratulations.
1-4 points: It’s still okay for you go into a store unsupervised. See a doctor about your dickish traits while they’re still treatable.
5-8 points: Cause for alarm. You may still enter a supermarket unattended. You will, however, be under constant surveillance.
9-12 points: You’re awful. You must post a bond before you enter any supermarket. The bond will be forfeited to your surrounding shoppers, should you ever run up a score of nine or more points.
13-16: You’re nearly erect. You must post a double bond before going into any supermarket. You must also be accompanied by a guard who will taze if you accumulate a score of thirteen or more points.
17-31: You dick! You will not be allowed inside any store. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate you if you enter any supermarket.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.