Monthly Archives: May 2021

Saluting Our Nation’s Fallen on Memorial Day

I give a big salute to all of America’s servicemen and servicewomen who paid the ultimate sacrifice on battlefields and battle seas around the world. May they rest in peace. May we always remember them.

My father fought the evil Nazis in Germany in 1945. After the war ended there, his division, the 86th infantry, was transferred to the Pacific Ocean to fight the Japanese. It is likely he would have been in any invasion of Japan as his division had had amphibious training. He did not die in Germany and he did not die in Japan as the war ended before his division could have been sent into action.

The fact that he came to pick up his life again, to marry, and to have kids, my brother and I, makes me appreciate even more our men and women who never made it home.

I am proud of them.

(The bottom of the picture, I believe, is of his unit conducting invasion exercises.)

Paul De Lancey, proud citizen and Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Saluting Our Nation’s Fallen on Memorial Day

I give a big salute to all of America’s servicemen and servicewomen who paid the ultimate sacrifice on battlefields and battle seas around the world. May they rest in peace. May we always remember them.

My father fought the evil Nazis in Germany in 1945. After the war ended there, his division, the 86th infantry, was transferred to the Pacific Ocean to fight the Japanese. It is likely he would have been in any invasion of Japan as his division had had amphibious training. He did not die in Germany and he did not die in Japan as the war ended before his division could have been sent into action.

The fact that he came to pick up his life again, to marry, and to have kids, my brother and I, makes me appreciate even more our men and women who never made it home.

I am proud of them.

(The bottom of the picture, I believe, is of his unit conducting invasion exercises.)

 

Paul De Lancey, proud citizen and Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Half an Egg

Many, many recipes are for too many people. What do you do in these cases? For example, if your recipe serves four and you’re cooking  for two people, you’ll need to cut the amount of each ingredient in half. If the recipes calls for two tomatoes, use just one. But what do you do if the recipe asks for three eggs? Half of 3 eggs is one and a half eggs.

How do you get a half an egg?

It would be nice if your local supermarket sold half eggs. This remains unlikely to happen as these food stores don’t even let you buy purchase individual eggs. Back in my youth, we had a woman who raised her own chickens in her backyard. She would let us buy any number of eggs. Then the town shut her down.  However, even she didn’t sell half eggs. Her hens just never produced eggs half the size of normal ones. Whether they were unmotivated, conservative, or just plain unable to lay tiny eggs, we’ll never know.

Perhaps half-sized chickens could produce half-sized eggs.

Perhaps a laser beam followed immediately by a thin blast of air, the temperature of absolute zero, could produce an egg that is not only cut in half but also keeps the yolk and the white inside. Future research is indicated. However, I doubt that this idea, however successfully concluded, would prove commercially viable. I’m guessing that such a half egg would cost a million dollars. Most consumers would balk at such a price.

No, I’m afraid that the making of a half an egg falls squarely on our shoulders. Crack an egg open into a small dish. Scoop out half a yolk the best you can with a spoon. Do the same with the egg white. Now you have your half an egg. You can proceed confidently with the newly reduced recipe. The above photo shows a fried half an egg.

Bon appétit.

 

Paul De Lancey, Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hot Pickled Carrots

Mexican Appetizer

HOT PICKLED CARROTS

INGREDIENTS

1 pound carrots
1 small onion
2 jalapeno peppers or 6 ounces sliced
3 cloves garlic
1 teaspoon Mexican oregano or oregano
1 cup white vinegar or cider vinegar
1 cup water
2 bay leaves
½ tablespoon sea salt or salt
1 teaspoon sugar

SPECIAL UTENSILS

mandoline (optional, but so helpful)
2 3-cup Mason jars

Makes 4 cups. Takes 40 minutes preparation, 1 hour 30 minutes cooling to room temperature, and up to 1 day in refrigerator.

PREPARATION

Use mandoline to cut carrots into ¼”-to-½” thick diagonal slices. Use julienne blade, if possible. Use mandoline or knife to slice jalapenos into rings ¼”-to-½” thick.. Use mandoline to cut onion into ⅛” thick slices. Cut each garlic clove into 4 pieces.

Add vinegar and water to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Add all other ingredients to pot. Let boil for 5 minutes. Stir until sugar dissolves, then enough to prevent burning. Remove pot from heat. Let cool for 1 hour 30 minutes or until contents, hot pickled carrots, reach room temperature.
Pour everything into Mason jars. Let sit in refrigerator for 1 day for best taste. They should keep for 1 week.

TIDBITS

1) To be “pickled” is slang for “to be drunk.” So, pickled carrots are drunken carrots. How do we know when carrots are drunk? Culinary patrolmen will tell you weaving while driving is a sure sign of an inebriation. Fortunately, drunk carrot driving remains quite rare as hardly any carrots attain the minimum driving age of 16.. Indeed, most carrots get eaten within days of being plucked from the ground. Another sign of a soused carrot is slurred speech. However, you really do need to listen carefully for this as carrots have tiny voices. Mostly, though, a drunken carrot resorts to giving people the silent treatment, which has proved to be a feeble defense against being eaten. And anyway, surly carrots are annoying. Just eat them. Show them you’re the boss.

 

Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen and Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: international, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Celebrating the New Baby Bunny

I saw a new baby bunny today. It was munching away at weeds. It was so tiny. Surely, this is ample reason for celebration. So, I catered a feast for the Bunny Family.

BUNNY FEAST MENU

First course: carrot, delightfully broken into three pieces.

Second course: raisins, no sugar.

Third course: A beautiful leaf of romaine lettuce. It’s vivid greenness contrasts splendidly with the muted, nearby colors.

Fourth course: apple bits, a magnificent dessert to top off a memorable meal.

And why not? Today we celebrated a bunny’s first societal appearance. Three cheers, for the bunny debutante.

Don’t fret, I served Mr. Squirrel some rather yummy peanuts on his private table.

All in all, the wildlife and I enjoyed ourselves immensely.

 

Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen and Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: food, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Today’s Zombie Carrot Apocalypse

In a startling turn of events, our carrots have turned into zombies. Now, zombie apocalypses normally give us cause to pause and reflect. What makes this zombification especially interesting is that it is happening with carrots. This is unprecedented.

But wait, there’s more. These zombified carrots have the power to walk. How will we be able to make carrot salad if all our carrots up and walk away? That would be a darned nuisance, really.

What makes the carrots’ newfound ambulatory power truly troubling, is that they have become carnivorous. We are meat. This development presents vegetarians and vegans with a poser. Are flesh-eating carrots still vegetables or have they now become meat? The Grand Vegetarian Council is even now meeting in Basel, Switzerland to discuss this matter.

This is one other item. They might be able to eat us into extinction as more and more carnivorous carrots pop out of gardens every hour.

We must not let this happen! We must start eating all the carrots we possibly can. Of course, make the tastiest carrot dishes you can. A possible end of human life on Earth is no excuse to forgo eat eating well. Buy cookbooks. Make those carrot dishes.

Paul De Lancey, on the front lines

* LATE BREAKING NEWS *

I have just learned that the bunnies just formed an alliance with us and will attack the zombified, carnivorous carrots whenever they see them. Brave, brave bunnies, I tip my hat to you.

 

Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen and Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why Go to Manhattan . . .

 

Yep, flying to New York City is costly. Staying in a hotel in downtown Manhattan remains prohibitively expensive. You’ll need to take out a second mortgage just to scrape up the funds. And Manhattan hotels don’t let its guests park their cars for free. No, no, no. Your nest egg just got a wee bit smaller.

Try Poway, California!

It’s right here. I mean it’s just outside my window. Rooms here are reasonable. You can park everywhere for free. Woo hoo!

AND

You get the same backed-up traffic as Manhattan.

You might be asking how does Poway, a town 1/200th the size of New York, manage to get the Big Apple’s traffic. Simple.

1)  Have really long red lights. Quite a lot of cars can accumulate during red lights that last four minutes.

2) Make people wait even longer than that for left turns.

3) Favor cars going a certain direction. In Poway the favored motorists are the ones going east-west. These directions have most of the businesses.

4) This means, of course, cars traveling north-south have significantly longer red lights. Quite a few cars going north-south accumulate at the intersection at this time. A favorite sports of these dammed-up drivers is counting the number of times they could have easily crossed during gaps occurring in east-west traffic. Yep, it’s fun letting a car that’s a half-mile away cross the intersection before you.

5) Try to turn left when you’re headed north-south. This will take you longer than the straight north-south crossing.

6) Try to turn left at an intersection that skips your left-turn signal repeatedly. Skips it seven or more times. These left-turn lanes would be a safe place to play table tennis. Get your exercise.

7) As an extra bonus. When a green light finally occurs, a tsunami of cars floods down the street, making it nearly impossible for the cars on cross streets to get through, particularly when all they have is a stop sign.

8) And any description of Powegian traffic would be woefully incomplete without mentioning the annual tearing up of its main arteries for repair or expansion of its underground pipes for new businesses. Why they don’t make an annual festival of their street tear ups is beyond me.

Poway, of course, has magnificent qualities, such as a low-crime rate, a first-class public schools, and many useful businesses. Just remember, you’ll have to drive your car to get to them.

 

Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen and Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Frito Pie In a Bag

American Entree

FRITO PIE IN A BAG

INGREDIENTS

2 green onions
1 pound ground beef
1 30-ounce can chili beans (no meat)
1 10-ounce can diced tomatoes and green chiles
6 1-ounce bags Fritos(tm)
6 tablespoons sour cream
1 cup grated cheddar cheese

Serves 6. Takes 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Dice green onions. Add ground beef to pan. Fry at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until browned. Stir enough to ensure even browning. Add chili beans and diced tomatoes and green chiles. Cook at medium heat for 5 minutes or until thoroughly warmed. Stir enough to blend and keep from burning.

Cut out most of one side of each bag or simply open the bag at the top. Top the Fritos in each bag evenly with pan contents, followed by sour cream, and then cheddar cheese. Garnish with green onions.

TIDBITS

1) Frito Pie In a Bag is also known as a “walking tacos” in America’s Midwest.

2) Tacos, of course, cannot walk. Cannot. This means that at one time tacos could walk.

3) Indeed, for according to culinary archeologists, the huge hard-shell* taco grazed the Indianapolis Gorge in 3,199,978 B.C,. They proved this by unearthing the bones of a young woman, Mabel, who held a fossilized four-legged Taco.

* = Proof that tacos are meant to be crunchy.

4) Unfortunately, this discovery never became common knowledge, because the Leakys had already discovered the bones of Lucy. Lucy’s remains are 3,200,000 years old. Just 22 years older than Mabel’s, but enough to get all the glory. Now no one remembers reading about Mabel and her taco.

5) But we do recall Mabel’s taco in a way, For Mabel’s DNA got passed down from Midwestern homonids to Neanderthals to Cro Magnons, and finally to Modern Humans. Inheriting Mabel’s genes, naturally means current Midwesterners love Walking Tacos. Now you know.

 

Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen and Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Solve the Speeding Problem

People drive like bats out of Hell. They don’t care about the speed limit. They don’t care about the law. They don’t care about the injuries, and sometimes death, they inflict on other drive drivers.

Clearly these people are truly reprehensible, bad eggs even.

What can been done to stop these speed demons?

1) Have police issue speeding tickets. This is a good, partial deterrent. It’s main flaw is that are only so man traffic cops on the road. This leaves millions of miles of roads across our nation unpatrolled. True, a number of these cops lurk in speed traps instead of patrolling dangerous stretches of traffic. This is indeed a flaw with this deterrent, but it stills holds that there aren’t enough policemen patrolling our roads to deter the speed demons. An officer of the law who isn’t there can’t issue a speeding ticket.

2) Let the insurance companies take car of the speeders. Let them charge higher insurance rates for the lead-footed drivers. Pfft! Doesn’t work. The speeding drivers just don’t give a rip.

So, what can we do? What do the speeders care about? What will they obey?

The laws of physics.

No matter how fast you drive, no matter how determined you are, you can’t drive your car through the car or truck in front of you.

This means that if all the lanes in front of you are blocked by vehicles going slower than the speed limit, you can’t speed.

But how can we rein in the speeders?

I’m glad you asked. My solutions depend of two observations that are nearly as true as a the laws of physics.

1) A significant portion of drivers are unable to drive as fast as the speed limit if they are going uphill.

All we’d have to do is make roads that only go uphill. But this isn’t true anywhere. Phooey.

2) But there will always, always be one driver that tries to pass a slow truck. However, they will drive one mile per hour faster than the truck they are driving to overtake. Then lanes are blocked by vehicles going slower than the speed limit.

Hurrah! We are onto something here. Simply drive enough trucks everywhere to slow down all the traffic in all lanes of every single road in the country.

But how do we get enough trucks on the roads for this plan to work?

Buy them! It could be the government doing the purchasing. It could be you. Do your part!

Where do we get enough truck drivers?

Hire them! Hire the unemployed, Unemployment would fall to zero. It could be the government doing the hiring. It could be you. Do your part!

There you go. Another problem solved. You may sleep easily tonight.

 

Paul De Lancey, concerned citizen and Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: humor, observations, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Favorite Restaurants – In-N- Out

I’ve heard that the three things Southern Californians love to talk about are:

1) Rain

2) In-N-Out

3) Rain

This restaurant/to-go place is that good.

I said before that the best restaurants often are family run where the family members love to make food. Although In-N-Out has become far too big to have all its restaurants staff by family members, it is still family owned.

The workers at In-N-Out are the most dedicated and competent of any fast-food restaurant that I have ever seen. Perhaps it’s because it pays its employees so well. It has been the highest paying burger eatery since 2013. Store managers earn $160,000. The desire to work at an In-N-Out stays so high, that you realistically only have a chance of being hired if you’re recommended by a current employee. But employees stay on longer than other burger joints. You almost have to inherit a position from an employee who leaves.

In-N-Out runs it’s to-go orders better than any other fast-food restaurant. Whenever there’s any line of cars behind the takeout window, In-N-Out sends employees out to individual cars to take orders. So, their to-go line moves fast.

There food is fresh. I know this. I’ve seen the restaurant make its own French fries. In-N-outs have a machine that cuts potatoes into fresh, individual fries. Those fries go immediately into a deep fryer where they are cooked to a wonderful crispness. I believe the chain extends this commitment to freshness to all of their ingredients.

And I haven’t even gotten to the rest of their menu. Their hamburgers are the best in the county and so are their milkshakes.

Their prices are so reasonable. They rival or are below those the national burger chains.

In short, In-N-Out is the best place for burgers. And fries. And shakes

Oh, ask for their “Animal Style” sauce packets. They’re tasty.

I’m hungry.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: food, observations, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: