Monthly Archives: May 2013

My Cookbook, “Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World” is Available in Paperback and as an E-book

Woo hoo! My international cookbook, Eat Me, 169 Fun Recipes From Around the World, is out.

On Amazon: paperback and e-book

My website:

On Nook: e-book



“Paul De Lancey’s cookbook, Eat Me! 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World is as hysterical as it is chock-full of yummy recipes and wacky trivia.

“From the author of We’re French and You’re Not and The Fur West, De Lancey entertains supreme as he distills cooking to the simplest of terms—from boiling water (and identifying the stove) to preparing timeless classics from every corner of the globe including scrumptious Beef Stroganoff and Greek Wraps with tzatziki sauce.

“Every recipe is followed by hilarious tidbits, such as, ‘King Louis XV ate boiled eggs every Sunday. This practice ceased with his death.’ And advice galore, Crunchy Tuna Casserole – ‘This is not a good meal to make if your dishwasher doesn’t work as happened to me. Grr!’

“De Lancey is one of the freshest voices in the cookbook world. He will have your family and guests spewing milk from their noses as you read about the perils of dropping raw eggs from too great a height into hot Tomato Drop Soup.

Eat Me! is a must read for anyone with a sense of humor and a desire to expand their menu.”
– Marie Etienne, author of Storkbites: A Memoir and Confessions of a Bi-Polar Mardi Gras Queen

“What’s up with straightforward, no-nonsense cookbooks? A little nonsense in the kitchen can make meal preparation more fun. That’s what Paul De Lancey does in Eat Me, a cookbook spiced with comedy, leavened with silliness, and still fully informative and functional. So get out those pots and pans and your sense of humor and have some fun creating that next meal.”

—Roger L. Conlee, author of Fog and Darkness and The Hindenburg Letter.

“I don’t cook, my favorite dinner is popcorn and M&Ms and I store my sweaters in the oven, but Paul De Lancey’s new cookbook may change all that. From what I’ve seen of his recipes and accompanying photos, this cook knows his ingredients.”

-Judy Reeves, author of A Writer’s Book of Days

Eat Me by Paul De Lancey is the only way I know of to learn how to cook simple yummy meals while laughing too hard to eat your simple yummy meals. Seriously. This author’s recipes are so inextricably layered with absurdity, puns, and outrageous assertions that I never knew whether I was chuckling at his jokes or cooking them up myself. A great, side-tickling–and practical–read for anyone’s kitchen!”

– Reina Lisa Menasche, author of Twice Begun

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Bacon & Chocolate Party Declares War Against Windows 8

Gentle readers, a plague of evil stalks over the land. I am of course talking about Windows 8. It’s utter evilness threatens the well being of the entire world. So, as leader of the Bacon & Chocolate Party, I am expanding our mission from protecting America’s supply of wholesome bacon & chocolate to include the utter destruction and banishment of Windows 8. I am also instructing my squadron of Flying Squirrels to take appropriate action against Microsoft and its demon spawn, Windows 8. That’s all I can say for now.


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My First Video: Hitler learns of Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron

The end of Nazi Germany is near. Hitler’s bunker is about to be attacked by flying squirrels. He reacts.


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World and all my novels are available on

or on my website-where you can get signed copies at:

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Nigerian Kuli Kuli (peanut balls)

Nigerian appetizer

(Peanut balls)


2 1/4 cups roasted peanuts
1/2 onion
1/2 tablespoon peanut oil (2 cups more later)
3/4 teaspoon cayenne
1/2 tablespoon ginger
1/4 cup water
2 cups peanut oil
3/4 teaspoons baking soda


food processor
kitchen towel
kitchen mallet or any hard object
wok or deep fryer or skillet


Crush, blend, spindle, grind, disintegrate, and heartily vex peanuts in food processor until peanuts cry uncle and become a crumbly paste resembling peanut butter. Mince onions. Put 1/2 tablespoon peanut oil in frying pan. Add onion. Sauté on medium-high heat until onion becomes soft. Remove oil from sautéed onions with paper towels.

It is important to get as much moisture as you can out of the peanut paste. Put peanut paste in bottom middle of kitchen towel. Roll up towel as tight as you can. Press on rolled up towel as hard as you can with something hard such as a cutting board or kitchen mallet. Repeat 2 more times.

Add peanut paste, sautéed onions, cayenne, and ginger to mixing bowl. Add water slowly until there is just enough to make a uniformly moist paste.

Add two cups of peanut oil to wok. Use high heat to make oil hot, or 375 degrees on skillet. Add baking soda. While peanut oil heats, form 1-1/2″ to 2″ inch balls. (Flatten balls if using skillet.) Put peanut balls in wok. Fry for 1 minute or until peanut balls turn golden brown.

Cool and serve.


1) Did you know that peanuts are often used as an ingredient in explosives?

2) Explosives?!

3) Looks carefully at peanut-butter sandwich.

4) Puts it down carefully.

5) Runs toward bed to calm down.

6) Realizes potentially explosive peanuts are in stomach.

7) Slows down.

8) Sits carefully on bed.

9) Wonders what are the other ingredients one needs to add to peanuts to make a WMD.

10) Thinks about the jar of unsalted, raw peanuts in pantry.

11) Is family at risk?

12) Remembers peanuts as also used an ingredients in: detergent, salves, bleach, ink, axle grease, face creams, soap, linoleum, rubber, cosmetics, paint, shampoo, medicine, and shaving cream.

13) Has a shave.

14) Saves family.

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

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Chilean Pastel De Papas (Potato meat pie)

Chilean Entree

(Potato Meat Pie)


3 medium brown potatoes
2 small red potatoes
1 chicken breast
3 garlic cloves
1 large onion
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tomato
3 tablespoons tomato sauce
1 pound ground beef
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 tablespoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons shredded cheese (panquehue if you can find it. ☺)
2 eggs
1/4 cup Parmesan cheese
no-stick spray


9″ casserole dish


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Dream of a vacation in a Greek villa overlooking the crystal blue Aegean Sea while you peel potatoes. Put all potatoes in pot. Boil on high heat for 20 minutes.

While potatoes are cooking, cut chicken into 1/2″ cubes and mince garlic, onion, and tomato. Put garlic, onion, and olive oil in frying pan or skillet. Sauté for 5 minutes or until onions are tender. Stir frequently. Add tomato, tomato sauce, chicken, beef, cayenne, cumin, paprika, parsley, pepper, and salt. Cook for 5 minutes on medium heat stirring occasionally.

Remove potatoes from pot after they have been boiled for 20 minutes. Put potatoes in large mixing bowl. Mash them, mash ‘em good. Add eggs, shredded cheese and Parmesan cheese. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended.

Spray casserole dish with no-stick spray. Put meat mixture in casserole dish. Put mashed potatoes on top of meat mixture. Put casserole dish in oven. Bake at 350 degrees for 30-to-35 minutes or until top starts to turn brown.

Put your feet up. Call in someone to do the dishes and have a nice, cooling drink until your wonderful culinary creation is ready. Esta bien.


1) This recipe uses two kinds of cheese.

2) Supposedly in the late 1800s a tidal wave stranded the USS Arakwe on Chilean soil. Looters approached the heavily damaged gunboat. The sailors couldn’t reach their cannonballs, so they loaded the ship’s big guns with large cheese balls and drove off the ruffians. Unfortunately, this story seems to be a myth.

3) A similar story has Uruguay winning a naval battle with Brazil in the 1840s through the use of stale balls of cheese. The television show, Mythbusters, analyzed cheese cannonballs and concluded cheese-cannon balls could punch holes out of an 1840 sail.

4) In World War Two, a Japanese submarine surfaced adjacent to the USS O’Bannon. The American sailors riddled the submarine with their destroyer’s smaller guns. However, they couldn’t lower their ship’s heavy guns enough to sink the sub. The Japanese realized this and came out the top hatch to fire their rifles on the Americans.

Apparently, the American sailors didn’t carry enough small arms to silence the Japanese rifle and pistol fire, so they threw potatoes at their adversaries. The Japanese thinking the potatoes were actually grenades fled back into their submarine. The American destroyer rapidly sailed away to a distance where they could bring their ship’s heavy guns to bear upon the Japanese and sink their sub.

Some versions deny completely the involvement of food in this story. Oh heck.

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

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Kenyan Coconut-Milk Plantain Recipe

Kenyan Entree



4 completely ripe plantains
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon curry powder
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon cloves
1 3/4 cups coconut milk


Peel plantains. Cut plantains in round slices no thicker than 1/4″ inch. Combine all ingredients (head ‘em up, move ‘em out) into soup pot. Simmer on low heat for 30-to-40 minutes or until the plantains are tender and have absorbed all the coconut milk. Stir occasionally to ensure that all the plantain slices get covered with liquid. Serve hot. If not, serve cold.


1) Cinnamon is truly a happening spice.

2) True cinnamon comes from Sri Lanka. Powdered cinnamon sold in America is usually not true cinnamon. Instead is really cassia, a similar tasting spice. Fret not, the sky is not falling. You can buy cinnamon sticks and grind your own cinnamon. Take back cinnamon! Yeah!

3) Cinnamon smells great. Indeed, God told Moses (Exodus 30: 22-33). to make holy anointing oil out of cinnamon, cassia, olive oil, myrrh, and scented cane.

4) The ancient folks scurrying around the Mediterranean and points east believed in the Cinnamon Bird. The Cinnamon Bird lived in Arabia and built its nest with cinnamon which it got from parts unknown.

5) The Arabians left heavy chunks of meat on the ground. The Cinnamon Birds would take the meat back to their nest. The weight of the meat would cause the cinnamon nests to fall to the ground. Of course, they could have accomplished the same thing by throwing bowling balls in these birds’ nest, assuming the sons of the desert had bowling balls way back then.

6) The ancient Roman, Pliny the Elder, debunked the myth of the Cinnamon Bird. Nothing got past old Pliny.

7) Economist alert! One ounce of cinnamon could get you fifteen ounces of silver in Roman times. Kinda made having cinnamon toast a special occasion.

8) During the Middle Ages, your social level was determined by the number of spices you had. Hee, hee, I’m fabulously rich! Oh wait, I’m not living in the Middle Ages. Dang it, where’s my time machine?

9) For centuries, European nations fought wars over who would control Ceylon’s, Sri Lanka back then, supplies of cinnamon. A bit like Black Friday at WalmartTM.

10) For a long time I thought Marshall Crenshaw’s song, “Cynical Girl,” was really “Cinnamon Girl.” It changed the meaning somewhat.

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ethiopian Dabo Kolo (Spicy bread bites)

Ethiopian Appetizer

(Spicy bread bites)


2 cups wheat flour
2 tablespoons berbere spice
1 tablespoon sugar
1 1/4 teaspoons salt
4 tablespoons butter
2/3 cup water
no-stick spray


cookie tin


Take butter out sufficiently in advance to let it soften. (Less preferred is nuking it in the microwave for 15 seconds. The worst way is hitting it with a sledge hammer. Sure there’s never been made a half stick that won’t soften under the blows of such a heavy, blunt instrument, but you have to ask yourself, “Do I really want butter all over the cabinets? Would I truly want a hole in the counter top?”)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Add flour, berbere spice, sugar, and salt  to mixing bowl. Combine with whisk or fork. Add water. Knead mixture for 5 minutes or until you have a stiff dough or paste. Add softened butter. Knead mix for 5 minutes.

Tear off a ball of dough about 1″ across. Roll it in your palms until it looks like a brown bread pencil about 1/2″ wide. Spray cookie tin with no-stick spray. Put brown bread pencils on cookie sheet. Put cookie sheet in oven. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. Turn brown bread pencils over and cook for another 10-to-20 minutes or until they become lightly browned (Okay, a slightly different brown as they started brown.)

Serve to guests you like. If you don’t like your visitors, serve them anyway. Just tell them these bread bites are sweets.


1) Salt is used to preserve food and add flavor.

2) S.A.L.T.. the Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty was designed to preserve peace by limiting the construction of nuclear weapons.

3) However, butter is an anagram for Bert Ut. Bert Ut was Mrs. Ut’s little boy, Bert.

4) Moreover, Dabo Kolo is an anagram for: Look! A Bod!, Lab Book., and Bodo KolaTM.

5) And by the way, does it still make sense to party like it’s 1999?

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pepper Jack Meatloaf Recipe

American Entree



1/2 white onion
1/2 red onion
3 garlic cloves
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/2 pounds ground beef
3 large eggs
1 tablespoon parsley
1 green bell pepper
1 green chile
1 14.5 can diced tomatoes
1/2 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon tarragon
2 teaspoons fresh cilantro
1 cup grated pepper jack cheese
1 1/2 cups bread crumbs


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mince red onion, white onion, and garlic. Add this to olive oil and sauté on medium heat until soft or about 6 minutes.

Dice bell pepper and green chile. Combine red onion, white onion, garlic, ground beef, eggs, bell pepper, green chile, diced tomatoes, coriander, cumin, tarragon, cilantro, pepper jack cheese, and bread crumbs. You really need to use your hands to do a good job here.

(Better yet, get your nine-year old to mix this up. He’ll welcome the opportunity to be helpful while getting his hands messy. Take advantage of this willingness before he becomes a teenager.)

OR…dice and mince all the above ingredients and put them all into the oil to sauté at once. This will save six minutes.

(Saving six minutes is particularly useful if there is an accidental nuclear countdown near your home, you’re the only one with the key to abort the launch with the resulting global nuclear war, and you really don’t have the extra six minutes needed to perform this extra culinary step, eat this meal, and get to the missile silo in time.)

Spray 8″-by-8″ baking dish with no-stick cooking spray. Transfer the meat mix to this dish. Smooth the meat until it is a flat as the Kansan prairie. Bake for about 1 hour at 350 degrees. Let cool for 5 – 10 minutes.


1) According to The Tales of the Arabian Nights, coriander is an aphrodisiac.

2) We should all absorb the lessons of great literature.

3) Coriander is also mentioned in the Bible. The Bible does not mention any non-culinary benefits from Tarragon.

4) Indeed, The Good Book commands, “Do not commit adultery.”

5) Sometime in the 1600s, two English publishers came out with a Bible with the exciting command, “Thou Shall Commit Adultery.”

6) The King of England fearing for the morals of his people, outlawed this version of the Bible, and heavily fined the publishers.

7) Editing and correct spicing are musts.

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Kenyan Maharagwe Soup Recipe

Kenyan Soup

(Spicy red beans in coconut milk)


3 tomatoes
1 1/2 onions
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/4 teaspoons cayenne
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 tablespoon turmeric
1 13.5 ounce can coconut milk
1 15 ounce can dark red kidney beans


Dice tomatoes. Mince onions. Put olive oil and onion in soup pot. Sauté for 5 minutes on medium-high heat or until onion is tender. Drain kidney beans. Add tomato, cayenne, salt, turmeric, coconut milk, and kidney beans to pot.

Cook on low-medium heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. Serve to guests who do not wonder out loud why a dish from Kenya has coconuts.


1) Kenya grows coconuts. It does! It does! I never knew. I just looked it up. There’s even a Kenya Coconut Development Authority (KCDA). So there.

2) Egypt has pyramids. Mexico has pyramids. Did ancient Egyptians ever voyage to Mexico?

3) I’d always pictured coconuts growing only in islands in the Pacific.

4) But then again, Iceland grows bananas. Iceland is a republic. So, Iceland is a banana republic. So is the United States.

5) Did you know Iceland has a list of approved names? If you pick off the list, the government will not recognize your baby’s name. In that case, you must go to court to win approval.

6) Have you ever bought bananas from Iceland? Iceland has no McDonald’s. It costs too much to ship McDonald’s approved beef and potatoes there.

7) Juneau, Alaska has a McDonald’s. It used up it’s all the supplies that were supposed to last it an entire month on opening day.

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Zimbabwean Dovi (Peanut Butter Chicken Stew)

Zimbabwean Entree

(Peanut Butter Chicken Stew)


1 1/2 medium onions
2 cloves garlic
2 green bell peppers
1/2 pound spinach
4 medium tomatoes
3 chicken breasts
2 tablespoons butter
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup peanut butter
2 cups water

Makes 8-to-10 bowls


Mince onions and garlic. (Vampires won’t like this soup.) Dice bell peppers. Remove stems from spinach. Dice tomatoes. Cut chicken into 1/2″ cubes. Put onion, garlic, and butter in pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion is tender. Stir frequently.

Add chicken, bell pepper, cayenne, paprika, pepper, pepper, and salt to pot. Cook for about 5 minutes on medium heat or until chicken begins to brown. Add tomato, peanut butter, and water. Simmer on low heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally.

Add spinach to pot. Simmer on low heat for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Serve and enjoy. Live long and prosper.


1) I looked up fun facts about Zimbabwe. I read how its current leader had the houses of 700,000 homes of poor people destroyed because they had opposed him. Boy, fun facts you betcha.

2) Divo is an anagram for void. It is also an anagram for Ovid, the famous Roman.

3) Devo was a famous band from the early 1980. I have one of their albums. I’ve found no evidence to back the assertion that the band was named after this stew.

4) However, if Ovid had been a member of Devo, say bass guitar, and he didn’t have a video of divo soup then Devo Ovid would have had a TivoTM divo void.

5) And now two divo haikus:

Oh great Zimbabwe
Your peanuts and your spinach
Make yummy dovi

Mince ingredients
Simmer for ten minutes long
Stir occasionally

– Chef Paul


My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at:

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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