Monthly Archives: March 2021

How To Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies like brains, right? So always make sure that you have a supply of brains on hand. Where do you get these brains? In French restaurants. These places always serve cerveaux d’agneau, or lamb’s brains.

So when the zombie apocalypse begins, hop on the first plane to France and stampede  the nearest restaurant. Ask for steak au poivre vert for yourself,  it’s delicious!, Don’t forget, though, to  order lamb brains to go. When the zombies shuffle toward you, simply hand them your cerveaux d’agneau. Your undead attackers will appreciate avoiding the messy and tedious business of cracking open your skull to get to your brains. They will surely also savor the exquisite combination of spices that every French chef lovingly adds to his creations. An apocalypse is no reason to stop being a loving, giving person.

Bon appétit

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Baked Scotch Eggs

British Entree

OVEN BAKED SCOTCH EGGS

INGREDIENTS

6 eggs (1 more later)
1 egg
1 pound pork sausage
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
¾ cup Panko bread crumbs or regular bread crumbs

SPECIAL UTENSIL

baking sheet
parchment paper
x-ray vision or SupermanTM

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Add sufficient water to cover eggs. Bring water to boil using high heat. Use slotted spoon to gently lower eggs into water. (You don’t want eggs to crack. Boil 6 eggs for 8 minutes. ( Or 4 minutes for runny yolks, 6 minutes for creamy yolks, and 10 minutes for hard-boiled. Drain and gently transfer eggs to bowl filled with cold water. Let cool, then peel.

While 6 hard-boiled eggs cool, add 1 egg to small mixing bowl. Beat egg with whisk or fork. Add pork sausage, pepper, and salt to medium mixing bowl. Mix with hands until well blended. Divide pork sausage mix into 6 balls. Add pork balls to flat surface.. Flatten each pork ball until it is a patty about 1″ thick. Place a boiled egg in the middle of each patty. Shape patty completely and evenly around egg.

Dip each patty in beaten egg, then dredge through bowl with seasoned bread crumbs. Cover baking sheet with parchment paper. Gently add sausage/bread-crumb egg to parchment paper. Bake coated eggs for 25 minutes or until bread crumbs turn golden brown and sausage is firm. (And no longer pink as well. X-ray vision helps here. If you don’t have such an ability, please see if Superman is available.) Turn coated eggs over once to ensure even cooking.

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 10 minutes.

TIDBITS

1) As always, offer Superman a serving if you’ve used his x-ray vision. You’ll be stunned to find out how many people don’t thank super heroes for their help. Good manners are always in fashion.

2) Besides, what if you’re caught in a building that’s being consumed with a raging fire. Do you want Superman to sulk and dawdle because you’d neglected to thank him?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Simple Black Bean Soup

Brazilian Soup

SIMPLE BLACK BEAN SOUP

INGREDIENTS

1 green or red bell pepper
1 medium carrot
3 garlic cloves
1 medium yellow or white onion
2 tablespoons olive oil
¼ teaspoon black pepper
⅛ teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon cumin
½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
2 15-ounce cans black beans
1 bay leaf
3 tablespoons orange juice
2 teaspoons orange zest
¼ cup diced tomatoes
2½ cups vegetable broth
4 green onions

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Seed and dice bell pepper. Dice carrot, garlic cloves, and onion. Add carrot, garlic, onion, and oil to pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until yellow onion softens. Stir frequently. Add bell pepper, black pepper, cayenne pepper, cumin, and red pepper flakes. Cook at medium heat for 5 minutes or until bell pepper softens. Stir frequently.

While bell pepper softens, drain and rinse black beans. Add bay leaf, black beans, orange juice, orange zest, tomato, and vegetable broth. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low. Cover and simmer at low heat for 30 minutes. Stir occasionally. While soup simmers, dice green onions. Remove bay leaf. Ladle soup into bowls. Garnish with green onions and tomato.

TIDBITS

1) The notorious pirate, Blackbeard, terrorized merchant shipping in the Caribbean during the 1710s while the universally loved Black bean soup hails from Brazil.

2) Black Beard’s true name was Edward Teach. But he wanted a name whose his very mention would paralyze merchant ship captains, a nom du piratage if you will. He so loved this recipe that he, at first, went by Black Bean Soup. His crew demurred, asserting that this moniker would never strike terror in anyone. Indeed, his fellow pirates said scaring the bejeebus out of their prey was very much a good thing. After much discussion, the pirates voted for Blackbeard as Teach’s new name.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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How To Use #3, Coffee Grinder

Dear readers,

Today, you’ll learn how to use your electric coffee grinder. You may have an electric one that looks like this.

Here are the two things you must know if you wish to master the art of grinding coffee.

1) Plug it in. Pretty much every electric gizmo from the coffee grinder to biggest super computers need electricity. There’s really no way around this step.

2)  If your coffee grinder requires two lids, “For the love of God, Montressor,” use both lids. The poor soul who used the grinder in the picture used only one of the lids. You can see the result. He now wanders Skid Row periodically flinging his arms to the sky and muttering, “Why? Why? Why?”

Try these steps and before you know it you’ll be grinding coffee with the best of us. And as always, bon appétit.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Why Bluebirds Sing

 

About a million-to-some-three-thousand years ago, life was hard. Life was brutal. Life was boring. After a tough day hunting and killing a mastodon Joe Caveman naturally craved intellectual recreation. So he and his friends, those who survived the hunt, got together for a game of “rock, rock, rock.” But everyone played “rock” and the game ended in one tie after another. This so discouraged prehistory’s brainiacs that even the most cursory of intellectual pursuits, such as telemarketing and mime shows, were put on the back burner for millennia.

Then happy day, papyrus and soon afterward paper were invented. In one literary salon after another in ancient Egypt and Greece the forward thinkers flocked to hearty games of “Rock, Paper.” Life was worth living. Thinking was worthwhile. The Egyptians erected magnificent pyramids in their great joy. The Greeks, the Parthenon. The Chinese, the Colosseum.

Unfortunately, in 989 a lowly, but brilliant rag picker named Arlin reasoned thusly. If I pick rock and my opponent picks rock as well, I tie. If, however, he picks scissors, I lose. So, I either lose or tie with rock. If I pick paper and my opponent also picks paper, I tie. But if he picks rock, I win. So, I either tie or win with paper. Ergo, I should always pick paper. Within a scant fifty years, everyone picked paper and the games degenerated into ties, just as in the days of the caveman.

Joyless people stopped thinking again. The whole world plunged into the Dark Ages.

Then not so long ago, a Italian man with a bad haircut invented scissors. The game became Rock, Paper, Scissors. There was no same, optimal strategy. People could win and lose again. Thinking became worthwhile. The clouds parted. The bluebirds sang.  They’ve sung ever since.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Flags of the World – Red and White

How many times has this happened to you? You’ve been scrupulously observing quarantine regulations. But you’re finding abiding them harder and harder to take. You find yourself developing a serious case of cabin fever. Finally, you can stand it no longer, so you rush outside. But before you know it, you’ve somehow organized a massive military uprising. Your forces, armed men and women who were drawn to you by your animal magnetism, have conquered a large part of a large country.

You find yourself filled with rebellion remorse. You try to give back your conquered lands, but the brave lads and lasses who fought for you won’t have any of that. “Go back to school,” you say to them. They say, “We missed our deadlines for turning in our essays. No teacher is going to accept the excuse ‘I couldn’t get term paper done as I was participating in a rebellion. ‘Begone,” the teacher will say, ‘like I haven’t heard that one.’ So, we will all get Fs. Our GPAs will plummet. We’ll lose our scholarships. We’ll have to drop out of university. But we won’t be able to get a job anywhere because taking part in bloody insurrection is such a resume stain.”

So, there you have it. You’re stuck with your new country. But won’t the old country that still exists be angry at you? You betcha! Won’t they be chomping at the bit to reconquer their lost lands? Absolutely. Can they do it? No, you inadvertently overpowered their armed forces earlier. Remember? What happens if they ally with some powerful nation and attack you?

That is the nightmare scenario. The only way to stop this international coalition from forming against you is to fool the world into thinking your country isn’t a new, that it’s really part of an old and peaceful nation. How do we do this?

Simple, pick a flag that looks like the one from another country. How do I do that?

May I suggest limiting the colors of your new flag to red and white? There are simply scads of countries that use only red and white in their banners. Look at the Polish flag.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poland is at peace with everyone. Adopt this flag and the foreign armies will think you’re at peace with everyone. If you don’t want to use the Polish flag, possibly for copyright reasons, you flip it on its side, like this. And add a little cross and you get . . . Malta.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Malta is a tiny and peaceful land. But choices for your flag still abound. Remove the cross and rotate the flag one more time and you get . . .  Monaco’s and Indonesia’s flags.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monaco is far too tiny to invade anyone and Indonesia hasn’t tried anything like that decades. And now, if you still want a flag that’s guaranteed to confuse your fledgling nation’s with those of more-established countries but is a little bit more stylish, may I suggest that your peruse the following red-and-white flags.

 

 

You don’t even have to draw your flagian, not really a word, from a real country’s banner. Look at the Swiss and Red Cross flags.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’re almost the same flag! One of the two entities just switched colors with the other. Is this okay? And if you stare at the Swiss flag long enough will you see the Red Cross flag and vice versa? Something to think about.

Other countries have red-and-white flags, but didn’t make the cut for displaying their flags.  Anyway, honorable mention goes to:  Denmark, Georgia, and Japan.

So now you have many, many red-and-white flags to choose from. You new nation needn’t fear invasion, secure in the knowledge that the rest of the world will confuse your country with another. And that’s a good feeling.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

Categories: humor, international, obsevations, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Love Today

Some years back, I was in the men’s room at an airport. A man walked into a stall and closed the door. He immediately got on his cell phone. I didn’t listen in on the conversation and was in a foul mood anyway, having just gone through a long line at airport security. Then the man in the stall said, “I love you, sweetheart.” Presumably on his cell phone to his girlfriend and not to me.

Wow! True love. True love. Most men would have waited to call their sweethearts until they had pooped and wiped, but not for this Romeo. His love for his amour was so great he just had to tell her that very moment. He had shunned the hustle and bustle of every day and would no doubt leave the stall feeling much better.

Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the roses.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: love, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cheddar Beer Soup

American Soup

CHEDDAR BEER SOUP

INGREDIENTS

1 carrot
1 celery stalk
1 small onion
2 garlic cloves
4 tablespoons butter
⅓ cup flour
12 ounces (1 can) beer (not dark)
2 cups chicken or vegetable broth
1¼ cups whole milk
1 teaspoon dry mustard
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
¾ pound shredded sharp cheddar
2 tablespoons fresh parsley

Serves 6. Takes 35 minutes.

PREPARATION

Dice carrot, celery, and onion. Mince garlic. Add butter to pan. Melt butter using medium heat. Add carrot, celery, onion, and garlic to pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium heat or until carrot and onion start to soften. Stir frequently.

Add flour. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 2 minutes. Stir constantly. Add beer, broth, and milk.. Continue simmering on low for 5 minutes. Stir frequently enough to prevent burning. Add dry mustard, pepper, salt, and Worcestershire sauce. Stir until well blended.

Add cheese and continue simmering at low heat for 5 minutes or the soup becomes creamy. Dice parsley. Add soup to bowls and garnish with parsley.

TIDBITS

1) Beer spelled backwards is reeb.

2) Reeb, however, spelled backwards is beer.

3) So beer spelled backwards a second time is beer.

4) This makes beer a second-order palindrome.

5) Many other words are second-order palindromes. See if you can find them.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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My Favorite Newspaper Headlines

Alas the art of fantastic newspaper headlines is disappearing into the mists of history. At one time, you could count on looking at The National Enquirer(tm) while waiting to check out your groceries. No longer. But I still remember how the following headlines made me chuckle:

6) “Tap the Amazing Healing Power of Ketchup”

(Who needs a pill?)

5) “Woman Steals Three-Headed Baby”

(Two-headed baby abductions are so common they’re no longer news.)

4) “News Reporter Eaten Alive by 80-ft. Dinosaur”

(I have a sneaking admiration for the correct usage of the hyphen between “80” and “ft.”)

3) “Archaeologists  Discover Skeleton of Satan. Find of the Century”

(Discovering that the Prince of Darkness existed and the Goodness reigns unopposed is only the find of the century. Geez, the millennium at least)

2) “Learn Ten New Ways to Talk to the Dead”

(I never knew the ten old ways. I’m so embarrassed.)

1) “L.A. Quake Opens Gates of Hell”

(There goes the neighborhood.)

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bariis Iskukaris – Spicy Rice and Meat From Somalia

Somali Entree

BARIIS ISKUKARIS
(Spicy Rice and Meat)

INGREDIENTS

1 cup basmati rice
½” ginger root
2 garlic cloves
1 medium onion
1 large tomato
3 cardamom seeds
3 cloves
¾ pound lamb, beef, goat, or chicken
2½ tablespoons ghee or vegetable oil
1 cinnamon stick
¼ teaspoon coriander
¼ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon salt
½ tablespoon vegetable seasoning
1½ cups water
½ teaspoon saffron threads

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cook rice according to instructions on package. While rice cooks, grate ginger root. Mince garlic cloves and onion. Dice tomato. Grind cardamom seeds and cloves into powder. Cut meat into ½” cubes. Add ghee, garlic, onion, cardamom, cinnamon stick, and cloves to pan. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium-high heat or until garlic and onion soften. Stir frequently.

Add meat cubes, coriander, cumin, ginger, salt, and vegetable seasoning. Cook at medium heat for 5 minutes or until meat browns. Stir frequently. Add tomato. Cover and cook at medium heat for 10 minutes or until a sauce is obtained. Stir occasionally.

Add 1½ cups water. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir enough to prevent burning. Cover, reduce heat to low and simmer for 30 minutes or until meat is tender and most of the water has been absorbed. Stir occasionally. Add saffron. Cover, and simmer at low heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. Remove cinnamon stick. Add rice to plate. Ladle spicy meat mix onto rice.

TIDBITS

1) Food left on a burner can burn within minutes or at the most, within a day. Bears take two weeks to three months to hibernate. It’s a certainty that any food bears left on the stove at the start of their Big Sleep will have turned into ashes by the time they stirred. There’s no evolutionary future for a species that habitually burns its food. That’s why we descended from apes.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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