Monthly Archives: September 2021

America to Deploy Lutefisk Defense Shield

The United States will deploy a lutefisk defense shield over all American cities. Says Major Carl La Fong of the United States Space Force, “No one, but no one, can manage to down an entire lutefisk. Our cities will be impregnable.”

Amos Keeto of Rid America of Lutefisk Post Haste (RALPH) applauded the move saying, “It’s about time we rid our land of lutefisk. It looks like boogers and smells like a rat died under a furnace. Putin won’t want to get anywhere our flying lutefisk.”

When asked what would happen should our shield should fail and lutefisk plummets down on our cities, Mr Keeto yelped and fainted.

 

Lutefisk pieces defend American cities.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

P.S. Paul De Lancey was fed lutefisk when he was a little boy. He says, “Not enough half centuries have gone by before I try lutefisk again.”

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Shrimp Briouates

Moroccan Entree

SHRIMP BRIOUATES

INGREDIENTS

1 garlic clove
2 green onions
1 small yellow onion
2 tablespoons olive oil (maybe ½ cup more later)
¼ teaspoon chives
½ teaspoon coriander
¼ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley
¼ teaspoon white pepper or black pepper
1 pound shrimp, peeled and deveined
8 ounces filo (phyllo)* sheets
¼ cup melted butter
1 egg yolk**
3 tablespoons olive oil.

* = It’s more authentic to buy ouarka or warqa sheets. They, however, can be very, very difficult to find no matter what the spelling might be.
** = It’s a frustrating experience buying a single egg yolk at the store. For that matter, purchasing a single egg is often difficult as well.

Makes 30. Takes 1 hour 45 minutes.

PREPARATION

Mince garlic, green onions and yellow onion. Add garlic, green onion, yellow onion, and 2 tablespoons olive oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add chives, coriander, cumin, paprika, parsley, and pepper. Add shrimp. Lower heat to medium and sauté for 3 minutes or until shrimp turns pink or orange. Stir frequently. Remove from heat. Mince shrimp.

Add filo sheet to flat surface. (Keep other sheets covered until needed. They dry out fast.) Brush filo sheet with butter. Cut filo sheet into strips 4″ wide. Add ½ tablespoon shrimp ½” from the end of the strip. Take one corner of the strip and fold it over diagonally to make a side of a triangle. Take bottom corner of triangle and fold it up to make another triangle. Continue to fold dough until you come to the end. You now have a briouate. Dab loose end of briouate with butter and fold into pocket formed by the open edg.

Add olive oil (½” deep) to pan. Heat oil using medium-high heat. Add as many briouates as possible without them touching. Deep fry on medium-high heat for 2 minutes or until golden brown. (Frying times go down with successive batches.)Turn briouates enough to prevent burning. Removebriouates and drain on paper towels. Repeat for successive batches. Goes well with harissa.

TIDBITS

1) Frankia, modern-day France, was named after I. A. Frank.

2) Frank operated a chain of sausage stands/inns for hungry, weary pilgrims.

3) The pilgrims loved Frank’s sausage in a bun.

4) So much so that they started calling his delicacies, Franks.

5) The entire land went so hot-dog made that the entire region started calling itself Frankia.

6) See the seminal work on Medieval treatise by Monk Jean de Tours, Mon Dieu, Mon Pays, et Mon Frank.

7) Reading this literary masterpiece is harder than just seeing it. You really do need to be fluent in Medieval French.

8) Anyway in 732*, an invading Arab army under Emir Abdul Rahman threatened Frank’s culinary empire and Frankia itself.

9) *That’s 732 AD. AD stands for Anno Domini, Latin for the year of Our Lord. This system of dating is falling out of favor with many historians who prefer the less assertive, CE, or Common Era. I like to refer to this date as 1246 APB, or After Paul’s Birth. In a strange coincidence, my name is Paul.

10) So why did the Arabs invade Frankia? To convert Frankian Christians to Islam.

11) Culinary historians assert, however, that the reason was that Frank’s Franks were made out of pigs. The Arabs believed no one should eat pigs. So by conquering Frankia, they’d rid the land of forbidden pig-filled Franks.

12) To be replaced by Shrimp Briouates The invaders believed this blessed dish to be the best entree in the entire world.

13) I, personally, do not wish to take sides in the Great Hot Dog/Shrimp Briouate Controversy that has racked humanity for centuries. I can see, however, how they came to believe so strongly in the tastiness of the Shrimp Brioautes.

14) But the adherents of Frank’s Franks prevailed in the Battle of Tours. European pilgrims came to visit Tours to give thanks for hot dog’s victory. Larger and larger groups of pilgrims came, necessitating the forming of tour companies. So many tours came to Tours, that people took to changing the town’s name from Tours to Tours.

15) As a side note, briouate is one of the few dishes that’s spelled with all the vowels: a,e,i,o, and u.
You can even use the sometime vowel, y, if you want to spell briouatey, as in “That pastry is so flaky, it’s positively briouatey.”

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Need to See Cuddling Parrots

I had a tough day today. Adulting proved more difficult than usual. I needed to see two parrots cuddling. The internet did not disappoint me. See the picture just below. I am happier. I hope you are happier too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: love, you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

We Need Fresh Produce Trucks

We were told in a recent election that electing a certain presidential candidate would result in taco trucks on every corner. Fantastic! This great news decided me. I voted for the taco-truck party. But they lost. America didn’t get all those trucks selling yummy tacos. Life is hard.

But this visionary idea got me to thinking. We need fresh-produce trucks. I mean how many times had nine of ten ingredients needed for an elegant meal? And that missing item was produce. It could be an herb, a tomato, two green onion, etc. But the thing is, you’re usually missing a bit of produce. Then you have to drive to the supermarket and back. This takes 40 minutes. By the time you get back, you no longer feel like cooking. Or if you had already started to cook before discovering you needed an herb, your meal will have been ruined.

No, we all need fresh-produce trucks. And why can’t we buy produce in smaller amounts? I mean, how many times do we needed to buy an entire head of lettuce, 20 green onions, or even four cups of fresh parsley? Never.

If I had my way, we’d be able to buy only the amount of produce we want and from a door-to-door truck.

I might even run for president on this platform.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, you need to get | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

UFOs and Aliens are in Inside Our Very Homes!

UFOs, aliens, they’re out there! Scary, very scary. They’re inside our homes, our castles, as well. I’m terrified. Look at the pictures below. The photo on the left caught a UFO beaming up people for their hideous purposes. But at least that incident took place outside and at night where and when it’s always dangerous. But look at picture on the right. It’s a UFO. Indeed, it even looks like a whitewashed Starship Enterprise. I found it in my bathtub.

OMG, OMG, OMG. UFOs and aliens are even coming for us in our homes. My heart is racing. I need to take a nice, relaxing bath.

Oh wait . . .

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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You Need to See Kittens at Play

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. A stressed out, dull boy. A crabby, stressed out, dull boy. A strong candidate for a heart attack or stroke, crabby, stressed out, dull boy. Doctors pretty much agree that strokes or heart attacks are a bad thing. They’ll tell you to reduce your stress right away. How?

Well, one of the best ways to calm yourself is to pet a kitten or just watch them. But suppose you’re chained to your desk, finishing a knotty project with a rapidly approaching project. Your tyrannical boss is not going to take kindly to you unleashing a litter of frenetic kittens at the office. What to do? Copy the picture in this post to your screen saver. Just looking at this picture, from time to time, will by itself lower your blood pressure. And when your supervisor saunters slyly by, simply tap any key and the kittens will disappear.

You’ll be happier. You’ll be healthier. Download this picture. Do it now.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Cut Rounds Revisited

British Dessert

CUT ROUNDS

INGREDIENTS

5 teaspoons baking powder
3 cups flour (1½ tablespoons more later)
¼ teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons softened butter
1⅓ cups buttermilk
1 tablespoon flour (so more later)
flour to dust rolling pin, about 1 tablespoon total flour to dust pastry cutter, about ½ tablespoon total

SPECIAL UTENSILS

baking sheet
2″ round pastry cutter or cookie cutter

Makes 15. Takes 50 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Add baking powder, 3 cups flour, and salt to large mixing bowl. Mix gently with fork until well blended. Cut butter in ¼ cubes. Fold in butter cubes.

Use fist to make a well in the middle of the flour. Pour buttermilk a bit at time into well. Knead gently with hands only until dough is sticky, but doesn’t stick to hands. (Use only as much butter as is necessary. Also don’t over knead.) Dust flat surface with 1 tablespoon flour. Add dough ball to flat surface. Dust rolling pin with flour as needed. Gently roll out dough until it is ½” deep. Use pastry cutter to cut out rounds. (This is why this dessert is called cut rounds.) Dust pastry cutter with flour as needed.

Place cut rounds on baking sheet. (Don’t let them touch.) Bake in oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes or until rounds have risen and tops have turned golden brown. Rounds go well with cream and jam on them. Or put cream and jam between two cut rounds. Use clotted cream if you can get it.

TIDBITS

1) Cut rounds are round. If the jam and the cream that often go inside them were replaced with surveillance devices you could conduct a 360˚ observation. In general, enemy countries are always on the alert for our eavesdropping. But no one would ever suspect a Cut Round. It’s so yummy. So, I propose that the CIA put cameras and listening devices in Cut Rounds and leave them wherever they need to glean foreign intelligence. You could ask the CIA if they already employ Cut Rounds, but they tend not to tell the public things as it is., after all, it is a top-secret organization.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Provoleta

Argentinian Appetizer

PROVOLETA

INGREDIENTS

8″ baguette (optional)
1½ pounds provolone cheese
¼ cup olive oil
1 tablespoon oregano
½ teaspoon red pepper flakes
¾ teaspoon salt
grill spray or cooking spray

SPECIAL UTENSIL

outdoor grill

Serves 4. Takes 20 minutes plus optional 5 hours.

PREPARATION – OPTIONAL

Dry cheese out on a rack for 5 hours. This helps the cheese keep its shape when grilled.

PREPARATION – MAIN

Cut baguette into circles 1″ thick. Cut cheese into slices ¾” thick. Place olive oil into mixing bowl. Add cheese slices. Turn cheese slices until they are thoroughly coated with oil. Sprinkle cheese, then gently press oregano, red pepper flakes, and salt into cheese slices.

Spray grill liberally with grill spray. Set grill to 450 degrees or medium heat. Grill for 2 minutes or until bottom side browns. Lift cheese slices off grill and spray grill again. Flip cheese slices. Grill for another 2 minutes or until the new bottom browns. DO NOT let cheese slices fall apart or even lose their shape.

While cheese browns on both side, toast both sides of the baguette slices. Eat cheese by itself or on toasted baguette slices. Provoleta goes well with Argentinian chimichurri sauce,

TIDBITS

1) The Mormons first settled Utah in 1847. Mormon leaders soon realized that their colony needed many more settlers to survive. The word went out from Utah for Mormons in the U.S. and around the globe to make their way to this new dessert sanctuary. Indeed, many Mississippian Mormons mounted covered wagons and headed west. But the original message became more and more corrupted the farther it went. By the time it reached Leta, Argentina, the decree simply said, “More men.” So lusty, Argentinian cheese making men headed to Provo, Utah thinking the message meant Utah had too many unwed señoritas. The cheese makers liked what they saw in Provo and decided to stay. They made a new cheese which they called Provoleta to honor their new and old homes.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Need to Get a Comfort Crocodile

Let’s face it, life can be stressful. Stress dramatically lowers the quality of your life. Indeed, stress can shorten your life. You need more comfort in your life. Add comfort by going out for a nice meal, taking a relaxing bath, or lying down on the sofa and watching television. This increases your increase your Net Comfort Index which equals comfort minus stress.

As you probably guessed you can up your NCI by getting rid of your stresses. What stresses you out? Mean inconsiderate people. How do get rid of them?

I’m glad you asked. May I recommend getting a comfort animal that rids your world of stress-making people? What comfort pet does that?

The comfort crocodile. Simply unleash your hungry* crocodile, I call mine Alfie, at the hateful human/meal. Your crocodile with its long, sharp, pointy meal will make short work of the offending oaf. You will have one stress-making person in your life and the croc will have had a nice meal. It’s a win-win situation. Also, your  dining croc will leave no stray body bits behind for your municipality to clean up. There’s really no downside to all this.

Comfort crocs run at 20 miles per hour. This means they’re road legal on all roads without posted minimum speed limits or where your 20 mph croc would seriously impede the flow of traffic. But with the average speed of 8 mph in congested urban centers, that’ll never happen. And no driver will even try to face down your croc car. Crocodile pets keep getting better. Other uses for a croc pet come to mind: negotiating a raise with your boss, settling lawsuits, and getting to the head of the line.

You need more net comfort. You need a comfort crocodile. You need one now.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

P.S. Don’t let you crocodile get too hungry; it might eat you before you even get out the door. Crocodiles like to dine on: snakes, fish, deer, baby elephants, cows, gazelles, wild boars, and buffaloes. So make sure stock your fridge and pantry with them.

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized, you need to get | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Aliens Built the Pyramids to Play Ring Toss

Who built the Egyptian pyramids? Giant prehistoric aliens. Why did they build the pyramids of Giza? So they could play ring toss. Ring toss is a fun game. Always has been. Always will be. How do we know all this? The aliens left the below photo behind. Archeologist Carl La Fong found it. It’s proof you cannot deny.

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., travel guru

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: proof you cannot deny, travel | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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