Monthly Archives: May 2012

My Presidential Resume

The American electorate has the right to know if the presidential candidate for the Bacon-And-Chocolate Party has the experience to run this great nation.

Class President, 5th grade, Santa Anita Elementary School, Arcadia, California, 1967 – 1968

There, I do.

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New Hope For America: The Birth Of The Bacon And Chocolate Party

You might have missed it if you only watch mainstream media, Fox, or other media, but just a few days ago, Paul De Lancey, a rumor in his own time, declared his candidacy for president of the United States. In addition to his ability to construct run-on sentences and  post hilarious e-cards on Pinterest, he is a firm defender of every American right to buy chocolate and bacon at fair prices.

Truly, a man of his age. All that’s lacking is a name for his party. Well, here it is:

Bacon and Chocolate.

Surprised you, huh? No, I guess the title gave it away

Anyway, come Election Day in November, please write in:

 

Bacon and Chocolate

President: Paul De Lancey

Vice President: Daphne Anne Humphrey

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Political Platform For The Bacon & Chocolate Party

Here, so far is the platform of my political party. My party, unnamed as of now, is the only party where you, the voter, get to directly add planks to the platform. Be a part of democracy. Booyah!

1) Subsidized Bacon

2) Subsidized Chocolate Doughnuts

3) Subsidized Caffeine

4) Pro world peace

Citizen’s suggestions are welcome as are donations and doughnuts. Read this blog to keep track of our platform’s evolution.

“We can only win if we do not lose.” – me

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Test Blog

Iggy piggy poo.

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My Vice Presidential Candidate

I am proud to announce Ms. Daphne Anne Humphrey has just become my Vice-Presidential candidate. See how deftly she expands and improves my political platform.

“I think you need to include bacon. That and World Peace. That should cover it. I’ll be your VP nominee. I can take on illiteracy, medical insurance for all, foreign policy in regards to the Middle East and perhaps the transportation system in the U.S.”

“The future is ours. We can only fail if we are outvoted.” – me

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I Declare My Candidacy For The President Of The United States

Deeply hurt by President Obama’s continued indifference to my repeated requests, via blog and Facebook, to come to my house for dinner, I have decided to run for president as a write-in candidate. This endeavor while surely a long shot, has little chance of success.

I am running on the Bacon & Chocolate ticket. Here is my platform:

1) Subsidized chocolate doughnuts for everyone.

2) Subsidized caffeine for everyone.

There, what could be of more benefit to everyone?

 

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Presidential Primer

The presidential campaign is heating up with PACs and super-PACS throwing untold millions in inflammatory ads. But what is the real story about Romney and Obama? He are some facts really should absorb:

You should considered voting against Romney as:

1) he insulted someone’s doughnuts at her home. These doughnuts were made from a legendary bakery. Double crime.

2) his hair appears appears to be floating above the rest of his face in a newspaper photo.

 

You should consider voting against Obama as:

1) he has never even replied to my many Facebook and blog  invitations to have dinner at my home.

2) he has never replied to my kind offer to do a guest blog.

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Wisdom From The Bahamas

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Gateau A La Fleur D’oranger (Orange Flower-Water Cake)

French Dessert

GÂTEAU Â LA FLEUR D’ORANGER

INGREDIENTS

1/2 teaspoon flour
1 teaspoon butter
1/2 teaspoon brown sugar

1 1/2 cups flour
2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt

2 large eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup light brown sugar

1/2 cup unsalted butter
1 cup milk
1 1/4 teaspoons orange flower water

1/4 cup heavy whipping cream

UTENSIL

9-inch cake pan

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Sprinkle a 1/2 teaspoon of flour along the sides and bottom of cake pan. Do the same with a teaspoon of butter. Sprinkle 1/2 teaspoon brown sugar over the flour.

Put 1 1/2 cups flour, baking powder, and salt in first mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork.

In second mixing bowl, beat 2 eggs, but not so much they lose their dignity. Add sugar and brown sugar. Mix with whisk.
Melt 1/2 cup butter. Combine contents of second mixing bowl into first mixing bowl. Add melted butter, milk, and orange flower water. Mix with whisk or blender on cake setting. Pour entire contents into cake pan.

Put cake pan in preheated oven and cook for 35 to 40 minutes. Allow cake to cool before topping cake with whipping cream.

TIDBITS

1) Many American beers are 3% alcohol. A twelve-ounce can contains .36 ounces of alcohol.

2) Orange extract, a fair substitute, for orange flower water, is 79% alcohol. My two-ounce container contains 1.58 ounces of alcohol, the same as nearly 4.4 cans of beer.

3) I’m breaking out the orange-extract. Woo hoo! Party at my place!

4) “Honestly, officer, I only had a one-ounce bottle of orange extract.”

5) The officer rolls his eyes. “Like, I never heard that before.”

6) My Mexican vanilla extract is only 1.9% alcohol. This is why it isn’t as popular at Mexican parties.

8) Consumption of cough syrup soared during the Prohibition Era. Perhaps the alcoholic content of 50%, or more, of many them contributed to this surge.

9) Why didn’t Al Capone simply open orange-extract tasting centers? People would have gotten their alcohol and Chicago would have been spared a crime wave.

10) But I can’t picture him behind an apron.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

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Celebrate National “Your Butt” Day on Thursday, June 7.

It is your duty as an American and a peace-loving citizen of the world to say, “Your butt” to as many people as possible three weeks from now, Thursday, June 7. Here’s why:

Little kids laugh 40 to 400 times more than adults. Why? Because infantile humor is funnier than anything adult can produce. Here’s proof:

1) Crabby people go to war unless distracted by a funny joke. Sure, toddlers have problems such as having to eat creamed peas. Do they go to war? No, they say “butt” and dissolve into giggles. Do adults go to war? Sadly, all to often and often with disconcerting results. Do we tell butt jokes? Unfortunately, not very often.

2) Sure, comedians such as Jerry Seinfeld make tens of millions of dollars every year without telling one butt joke. But that just underscores how few people can tell a knee slapper without saying “butt” or even the more erudite “Your butt.” And would he even be on tv or stage without war-weary governments subsidizing him. I fear not.

So, do you fear nuclear Armageddon. Do you want to live in peace? Do you wish peace for your children? Then you must help make the world laugh. Say “Your butt” to as many people as possible and after every sentence you hear spoken.

The world thanks you.

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