Monthly Archives: June 2014

Spotlight on Deb Martin-Webster, author of “Always, Montana”

Chapter 1montana

Excuse me Ma’am, I don’t mean to interrupt your bitch session; however, you do realize your hair is on fire?”

Joe’s been dead for two years, and he still makes me laugh.  He was so relaxed in front of an audience.  Unlike me, who would panic at the thought of giving a five-minute PowerPoint presentation, Joe loved entertaining his fans for not only was he a renowned author and accomplished writer but a prolific storyteller as well.  The video was from a charity event he attended in Princeton, New Jersey.  Some affluent donors weren’t very happy about the lack of seating.  Joe was famous for drawing large crowds. He noticed a well-dressed, older woman sitting by the exit door complaining about the seating arrangement.  Joe, being the gentleman that he was, excused himself and headed toward the back of the room.  She was so engrossed in her own bitching that she failed to notice that he was standing directly behind her.  Inadvertently, she leaned into the table’s candle centerpiece and set the front of her hair on fire.  Without blinking an eye, Joe gallantly grabbed a glass of water from a nearby table and doused the flames.  Needless to say she was humiliated, but ever so thankful for his quick action.

Joe flashed his infamous shit-eating grin and said, “You’re welcome, Darlin’. Now, how about you come up front and sit with me. And by the way, that’ll cost you another thousand dollar donation for my heroic firefighting service.”

The audience gave him a roaring round of applause.  He informed the guests that his tip jar was in the back and that it was pathetically empty – nothing her thousand dollar donation couldn’t fix.  Joe knew how to work a crowd and please his fans.  He was good at what he did, and he knew it.

I turned my computer off and continued to tidy his office.  Funny, I still called it his office.  Has it really been two years since his death – seems like yesterday.  I thought if I left the room the way it was, it would in some way comfort me.  Regrettably, it did just the opposite. It irritated me beyond belief.  I’m a neat-freak, and he was an incurable pack rat.  Receipts from gas stations, fast food restaurants, numerous coffee shops and illegible crib notes on discarded manuscripts littered his desk.

There was still the matter of scattering his ashes.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it, but I knew it was time to honor my husband’s last wish which was to scatter his remains at the place where he proposed.  In my mind, I knew I needed to let go and move on, but in my heart his untimely death still hurt like hell.  I’ve heard people use the term heartbroken or heartache.  I’d never experienced either – until Joe died.  It was an endless, helpless, hopeless pain.   I needed to let go.  I needed to move on.  No matter how painful the task, Joe’s ashes had to be spread.

When the time was right, Raymond said he would accompany me to the spot Joe designated. He was very patient and understanding when it came to my grieving.

“Joe was a procrastinator in life so why would he change in death—always needing to be in control,” Raymond would joke. “He still annoys me from the grave—arrogant son of a mangy coyote!”

I knew it was Raymond’s way of expressing his grief and how he too missed Joe.  To be honest, in some strange way, it made me feel better.   I missed being referee to their incessant bickering.  They had a lot in common.  Their inimitable friendship was cherished more than they were willing to admit.

Charlotte was now in her terrible-twos and quite skilled at navigating herself around the house. She was becoming quite a beautiful little girl.  I know all parents think that their children are beautiful and talented, but Charlotte was truly a beautiful child. I called her our little golden girl because of her glowing olive complexion and curly, sandy brown locks.   She had my focus and temper and Lash’s (Joe as his fans knew him) curiosity and smile.

She toddled into the office and climbed onto his rawhide leather chair.  I remembered him gloating when he finished assembling it.  He wasn’t patient when it came to following directions or handling tools.  He called it his one-and-only successful IKEA achievement.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him that if I’d given Charlotte an Allen wrench she could have put it together.

Lord, I miss him. I miss those final edit nights when I’d come in with coffee and sit in his lap.  It saddened me to think I’d never see him sitting at that desk again.  I picked up Charlotte and gave her a big hug.

I turned away to keep her from seeing my tears.  She placed her small hands on my cheeks.

“Happy . . . h-a-p-p-y Mama,” she whispered.

Her attempt to console me brought a smile to my face.  I kissed her tiny palms.

“This one’s from me and this one’s from Daddy.”

Charlotte instinctively knew when I needed her happy reminder.  She was wise beyond her years.  Raymond called her “Nadie”– it was Blackfoot and loosely translated meant the wisdom of an old soul.

Keough cracked the office door and peeked inside.

“You gals okay?  Both of ya’ need to get some rest.  It’s long past your bedtimes.”

Charlotte climbed off my lap and ran over to Keough and latched onto his leg.  He picked her up and swung her onto his shoulders.

“It’s time for this little cowgirl to hit the hay. Come on let’s get you into your bunk.  Lou and I will tell you a story about the time I tried to lasso and ride an ornery wild mustang. Would you like that?”

She bounced up and down on his shoulders squealing, “Pap-Pap, horsey!”

“Don’t worry, Rose.  It’s a very short story.  It took me three seconds to lose that man-versus-beast battle.”

I chuckled at Keough’s honesty and said goodnight.

“Okay, Baby Girl –a quick story then bedtime.  That goes for you too Mama.”  He paused for a moment and whispered, “And don’t think I haven’t notice you sneaking into this office in the middle of the night.  It ain’t healthy for you to deprive yourself of sleep.  And it ain’t good for this baby to see you so dang sad all the time.  Now, don’t make me tie you up and drag your ass to bed.”

“I promise I’ll go to bed.  Just a few more minutes, okay?  Thank you Keough.”

“You’re welcome, Darlin’ and goodnight.”

I was leaving the office when I noticed something on the side of the door jam.  Funny, I’d never noticed it before.  There were two perfectly shaped hearts carved into the trim with the initials MJ loves R.  I rubbed my finger over them.  When did he do this?   What other little treasures has he left behind for me to discover.  I went back to his desk, picked up some paper and a pencil and rubbed it over the carving and then tucked it into my shirt pocket. We miss you too, Joe.

 

Find out more about Deb Martin-Webster and Always, Montana

 Always, Montana  is available on amazon.com

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Swedish Spelt Pancakes (plattar)

Swedish Breakfast

SPELT PANCAKES
(plättar)

INGREDIENTSPancakes-

2 ½ tablespoons butter
2 cups spelt flour or all-purpose flour
½teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons sugar
3 eggs
3 cups milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons butter
no-stick spray

Makes 60 pancakes

SPECIAL UTENSIL

plett pan or electric skillet (I’ve never seen a plett pan in the wild.)

PREPARATION

Melt butter or at least let it soften. Add flour, salt, and sugar to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk. Put eggs in second bowl. Beat with whisk. Add butter, milk, vanilla extract, and eggs to flour/salt/sugar mix. Mix ingredients with whisk until you get a smooth batter.

Set electric skillet to 350 degrees. Skillet will be hot enough when a drop of water on skillet starts to break up and dance. Spray skillet before each batch of pancakes. Add 1 ½ tablespoons at a time to skillet. (Do not let batter run together. Swedish pancakes should be the size of silver dollar pancakes.) Cook pancakes for about 1 ½ minutes or until golden brown on bottom on bottom then flip. Cook for another 1 ½ or until golden brown again. Goes well with lingonberry preserves, whipped cream, or confectionery sugar.

TIDBITS

1) March 19 is World Spelt Day. On this day, at eight in the morning, a lone runner sets out from Uppsala, Sweden, carrying the ingredients listed in this recipe. At dusk, he stops at the nearest house. The dwellers are bound by tradition and hospitality to let the runner in. Once inside the runner makes everyone spelt pancakes. The hosts adopt the runner into their family.

2) Next morning, a family member takes off with spelt-pancakes ingredients in her backpack, running until nightfall when she too makes pancakes for a lucky family. The spelt-pancake-baking relay continues until a spelt-pancakes runner returns to the original home in Uppsala, Sweden. Thousands of families around the world are made happy. This is Sweden’s contribution to world peace.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

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Bacon & Chocolate Party’s Press Release

Bacon & Chocolate Party’s Platform

The country is in danger. The gravitational field has gone wonky. The price of bacon and chocolate has risen. Americans everywhere, at least three, cry out for the Bacon & Chocolate Party to save the day. The B&C has developed a nascent social consciousness. Like a phoenix, the nearly dormant Bacon & Chocolate Party will arise from the ashes of its bitter and disputed defeat in the elections of 2012. What does B&C stand for? As far as I can tell our platform is:

1: We promote and enjoy bacon.fudge
2: We promote and enjoy chocolate.
3: We will save our bees.
4: We sick Ms. Elizabeth Warren on the banks while we much on bacon-wrapped shrimp and chocolate doughnuts.
5. We will find a way to make chocolate downloadable over the internet.
6. Frugality, frugality, frugality. Our campaign chest of $0.00 makes us forgo all tactics costing a penny or more.
7. Our first point, okay, seventh point, is to first do name harm, especially if we have bacon-wrapped shrimp or chocolate doughnuts to divert from the current issues.

Note: the fourth point assumes Ms. Warren will be a part of Bacon & Chocolate’s team when it sweeps to victory in November, 2016. Would someone who knows her please ask her to join our party? Thanks. We’re kinda shy.

Paul R. De Lancey – Presidential Candidate
Candace C. Bowen – Vice-Presidential Candidate
Jonna Pattillo – Political advisor

Visit our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/BaconChocolateParty

– El Candidato Paul4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Root Beer Pulled Pork Sandwiches

American Entree

ROOT BEER PULLED PORK SANDWICHES

INGREDIENTSRootBeerPulledPork-

2 garlic cloves
1 onion
2 pounds pork sirloin or tenderloin
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 ounces liquid smoke
1 can or 12 ounces root beer (1 more can later)
1 1/2 cups barbecue sauce
1 can root beer
8 hamburger buns or kaiser rolls

SPECIAL UTENSIL

crock pot

PREPARATION

Dice garlic cloves and onion. Rub chili powder, pepper, and salt onto pork. Add garlic, onion, pork, liquid smoke, and 1 can root beer in a crock pot. Cover and cook on low for 6-to-8 hours or until pork shreds easily. (If after 6 hours the pork is not close to being tender or able to be shredded, turn up the heat one notch.)

Remove the pork. (Save the liquid, garlic, and onion for later. It makes a good soup.) Let pork cool. Shred pork with fork. Add shredded pork, barbecue sauce and one car root beer to crock pot Cover and cook on low for 1 hour. Serve on hamburger buns.

TIDBITS

1) August 6 is the anniversary of the day the atomic bomb was dropped on Japan. However, this date is also National Root Beer Float Day! Atomic warfare is surely a downer,  but nothing’s better than a root beer float. Indeed the life-giving, life-soothing properties of root-beer floats have helped us all deal with the legacy of the atomic bomb, have prevented future atomic warfare forever

2. In August, 1893, Frank J. Wisner, was drinking root beer during a full-moon night. The full moon inspired Mr. Wisner to add a scoop of vanilla ice cream to root beer. The ice cream floated! He had invented the root beer float. We have been living in The Golden Age of Humanity ever since.

3) Root beer originally contained sassafras and was considered by some to be a medicinal drink. It also contained alcohol and was deemed by even more folks to be a medicinal drink. Is there anything root beer can’t make better?

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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“Trailer Trash with a Girl’s Name” by Stacey Roberts – Book Review

StaceyPicStacey Roberts is an amazing writer. He has taken a horrifying childhood and made it a funny adventure. Stacey has transformed a dysfunctional family into one we love toTrailerCov follow. Indeed, he has performed an immense public service. Stacey’s hilarious descriptions of his mother’s red-onion-and-ginger meals pushed the memory of eating lutefisk out of my mind. Well, almost. This book was so good it got the coveted “I’m reading it while in the bathtub” status.

 Trailer Trash with a Girl’s Name is available on amazon.com

Check out his author page on amazon.com

– Paul R. De Lancey, reviewer

 

 

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Romanian Stuffed Bell Peppers

Romanian Entree

STUFFED BELL PEPPERS

INGREDIENTSStuffedBell-

5 Roma tomatoes
6 yellow or red or green bell peppers
2 onions
12 ounces ground beef
12 ounces ground pork
½ cup rice
1 tablespoon dill
2 tablespoons paprika
½ teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon flour
3/4 cup sour cream (1/4 cup more later)
1/4 cup sour cream

SPECIAL UTENSIL

1 or 2 8″-casserole dishes

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Puree tomatoes. Cut off tops from bell peppers. Keep tops for later. Remove seeds. Mince onions.

Add beef, pork, rice, onion, dill, paprika, pepper, salt, and HALF of the pureed tomatoes to mixing bowl. Mix by hand. Fill bell peppers with beef/pork/rice mix. Do not overstuff or they will crack open later. Top peppers with flour to prevent beef/pork/rice mix from spilling out. Put stuffed peppers in casserole dish.

Add ¾ cup sour cream and second HALF of the pureed tomatoes to mixing bowl. Mix well with whisk. Pour sour cream/pureed tomato sauce onto stuffed bell peppers. Add water to casserole dish until water is 1″ from the top. Bake at 375 for 90 minutes-to-2 hours or until bell peppers are soft. Serve with ¼ cup sour cream on top of stuffed bell peppers. Pour or spray a little water on bell peppers every 40 minutes if they look too dry. CAREFULLY take out dish when done baking. The hot water in it can slosh out if moved too quickly.

TIDBITS

1) Count Vladimir the Impaler of Transylvania killed many people with wooden stakes. You too can kill people with food, ordinary food. All you have to do is use the wrong parts, cook improperly, or eat way too much of it. The following crossword puzzle lists common foods that can kill when in the wrong hands.

2) Crossword Puzzle – POISONOUS ORDINARY FOODS WHEN USED IMPROPERLY

ACROSS
4) Highly toxic fish, must be cooked with care.
6) This nut sounds like a sneeze
8) A brawl on a baseball field
9) Use this to make French fries
10) An anagram for “rip taco”
11) First three letters of this veggie bit Cleopatra
12) Add joy after this nut to get a candy bar

DOWN
1) Can she bake a ….. pie?
2) Moms once poured this vile liquid down their sick kids’ throat to make them better (2 words)
3) Toadstool
5) Sassafras is a controversial …..
7) Legally, this fruit is a vegetable in America.
10) An ….. a day keeps the doctor away

puzzle2e

ANSWERS

Puzzle2AnswersInverted

 

 

 

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

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Chocolate Fondue

Swiss Dessert

CHOCOLATE FONDUE

INGREDIENTSChocolateFondue-

3.5 ounces TobleroneTM Swiss milk chocolate
6 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

4 ounces pound cake (See above recipe.)
6 ounces strawberries
4 ounces marshmallows

SPECIAL UTENSIL

fondue pot
fondue forks

PREPARATION

Cut pound cake into 1″ cubes. Add Toblerone chocolate, semisweet chocolate chips, sugar, butter, and vanilla extract to large pan. Warm mixture using low-medium heat for 5 minutes or chocolate melts and everything blends together. Stir constantly.

Transfer melted chocolate in pan to fondue pot. Adjust flame under fondue pot so that the chocolate stays smooth, but barely bubbles. Use fondue forks to dip cake cubes, strawberries, and marshmallows in chocolate sauce.

TIDBITS

1) Chocolate fondue was invented on April 1, 1798, by the great Swiss ballet dancer and explorer, Fon d’Ue. Monsieur d’Ue and all his fellow ballet dancers were at that time in the 89th infantry.

2) One day, d’Ue held up a handful of brown musket balls. “Bah, we never kill any French with these things.” He flung the balls away. The musket balls bounced off the marbled statue of the beautiful ballerina, Madame Swiz Staek that lurked in the town square.

5) The musket balls landed in the regiment’s soup pot. “Want not, waste not,” was the philosophy of the regiment’s Calvinist cook, Claude Monet. Monet dipped his supply of pound-cake cubes, strawberries, and marshmallows into the soup pot. He fished out a coated marshmallow with a long thin fork. It tasted great! The regiment’s and indeed the whole army’s bullets were being made from discarded chocolate remnants from the frugal nation’s chocolate factories.

7) And so Switzerland had lost every battle. The French annexed the whole chocolate-eating country for nearly sixteen years. Bad for Switzerland, sure, but great for the culinary world. Yum.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Pound Cake

American Dessert

POUND CAKE

INGREDIENTSPoundCake-

1 tablespoon butter (2 cups more later)
1 tablespoon flour (3 cups more later)
3 cups flour
3/4 teaspoon baking powder
2 cups butter
6 eggs
2 cups sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup milk

SPECIAL UTENSILS

2 9″x5″ loaf pans
electric beater

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Rub inside of pans with 1 tablespoon butter. Dust inside of pans with 1 tablespoon flour. Add3 cups flour, baking powder, and salt to medium mixing bowl. Mix together with whisk. Add 2 cups butter, eggs, sugar, and vanilla extract to large mixing bowl. Blend with electric beater set on cream or high. Blend ingredients for 5 minutes or until sugar/butter mix is light and fluffy. Alternate adding 1/3 of the milk with 1/3 of the flour/baking powder mix until all is used. Use low or blend setting on electric beater after each addition of milk or flour. Blend each time until everything is smooth.

Pour mixture into loaf pans. Bake for 1 hour at 350 degrees on until toothpick inserted into cake comes out clean. Let pan cool for 20 minutes. Gently remove cake from pan and let cool on wire rack for 1 hour more. Goes well with strawberries.

TIDBITS

1) The ancients Celts celebrated the Beltane festival by lighting bonfires and rolling cakes down hills. A cake that didn’t break brought good fortune.

2) Ancient cultures sometimes celebrated weddings by breaking a big bread loaf on the bride’s head. I hope this practice died out before the invention of the baguette or the fruitcake.

3) 17th century English folk believed keeping fruitcakes under unmarried people’s pillows will give them sweet dreams about their spouses to be.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Angolan Chicken Stew

Angolan Entree

CHICKEN STEW
(muamba de galinha)

INGREDIENTSChickenStew-

3 pounds boneless chicken (Probably separate parts. If you can find a farm that raises organic boneless chickens, go for it.)
1 Scotch bonnet, habañero, or red chili pepper
3 garlic cloves
3 onions
3 tomatoes
1 pound pumpkin or butternut squash
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup red palm oil or olive oil
½ pound okra (See note below for substitutes)
1 cup chicken broth
3 tablespoons cornstarch (only if you don’t use okra)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven
sonic obliterator

OKRAPHOBIA

A lot of people just can’t stand okra or will only eat fresh food, but can only find okra in cans. What to do? Relax, have an ice-cold root beer. Now that you’re refreshed, consider substitutes for okra. The top contenders are: asparagus, eggplant, green beans, and spinach. These don’t taste quite the same as okra. This might be a plus for you. However, if you want the okra taste, try adding a tablespoon of gumbo file (Oh gosh, gumbo file is another one of those hard herb/spice mixes that are just plain hard to find in supermarkets. In this case, bluff your guests. How many will know if you don’t have gumbo file in your chicken muamba? However, if they do know and they complain loudly, zap them with your sonic obliterator. You don’t need that kind of stress in your life.)

Anyway, okra thickens stews. So if you don’t use okra, you should add cornstarch as a thickening agent. However, cornstarch alters the taste somewhat from the authentic Angolan chicken muamba. (See above paragraph for resolving this problem.)

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into 1″ cubes. Seed and mince chili pepper. Mince garlic cloves. Dice onions. Cut each tomato into eight pieces. Seed and peel pumpkin. Cut pumpkin into 1/2″ cubes.

Add chicken, lemon juice, chili pepper, garlic, pepper, salt to large mixing bowl. Mix by hand until chicken cubes are well coated. Marinate for 1 hour.

Add coated chicken, onion, and red palm oil to Dutch oven. Sauté using medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until chicken cubes are browned on all sides and onion softens. Stir frequently. Add pumpkin, tomatoes, okra (or its substitute and cornstarch), and chicken broth. Bring stew to boil. Cover Dutch oven, reduce heat to low, and simmer for 25 minutes or until chicken and pumpkin are tender. Stir occasionally.

Goes well with rice or cassava. Whew.

TIDBITS

1) Do not worry about your fresh-okra finding problems as life is about to get a whole lot better as you can see in the following tidbits.

2) In 2023, Amos Keeto, will invent the Sonic Obliterator. This invention will be a godsend to be who hate being disturbed by door-to-door salesmen. People who hate plowing their way through the crowds surrounding the free-sample stations at CostcoTM or are too shy to ask people to move will also appreciate this device.

3) I mean can’t you see the shopper’s face as she pushes her cart through a suddenly vacant path on her way to pick up a large package of ribs for her family. Her family loves ribs and isn’t making families happy what’s it all about?

4) In 2019, Sarah Bellum, will invent the time machine. This will be invaluable for people with overdue library books and for those who can never file their taxes on time. Be sure to buy one, well, whenever.

5) In 2021, Barry Sax will invent the Orphan Socks Reuniter. No longer will your dryer be able to present you with orphan socks. The Reuniter will find the missing sock whether it will be sticking to the top of the dryer, vacationing in Poway, California, rafting down the Amazon River, performing against its will in a shocking sock-puppet show, or simply transported to a parallel universe. Barry Sax will win a Nobel Prize in 2023 for his service to humanity.

6) In 2017, just around the corner, Hal E. Kahn, will invent the organic TwizzlerTM by being the first to successfully graft the tasty snack onto strawberry plants.

7) In 2031, Ms. Terri Good, will markedly improve mornings for all people for all time by inventing the Coffee Humidifier. The CF, as it will soon be called, will emit coffee molecules all through the night. You will be inhaling 100% pure arabica bean while you sleep. You will not wake up tired and wanting to kill the first person who talks to you. No! You will be so awake, so full of energy that you will paint the house and make school lunches for your kids for the entire year.

8) In 2019, Mel Ifluous will invent UTeleport. This nifty invention will be able to teleport any item of any size over any distance. The Uteleport will be a life saver to all those still half-asleep souls who pour a bowl of cereal in the morning only to find they are out of milk. Life will be good.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Caesar’s Salad

Mexican Entree

CAESAR’S SALAD

INGREDIENTSCaesarsSalad-

1 head romaine lettuce
4 bread slices
2 garlic cloves
1/4 cup olive oil (1 tablespoon more later)
2 ounces anchovies, cut in half (optional)

1 egg
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons lemon juice
½ teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar

1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese

PREPARATION

Separate romaine lettuce into leaves. Tear leaves into 1″ squares. Remove crusts from bread slices. Cut bread into ½” cubes. Cut one garlic clove into four pieces and rub them along the salad bowl. Discard. (Oh no, no, discard the garlic pieces, not the salad bowl. Goodness, careful sentence structure matters.)

Add the other garlic clove and 1/4 cup olive oil to pan. Sauté at low-medium heat for 5 minutes or 300 seconds. Discard garlic clove. (It’s a bad day to be garlic.) Add bread cubes to pan. Sauté at medium heat for 5 minutes or until bread cubes are crisp on all sides. Stir frequently. Remove crisp bread crumbs or croutons and place them on paper towels to drain.

Add romaine squares and croutons to salad bowl. (Add optional anchovies here.)

Add egg, Dijon mustard, pepper, salt, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, olive oil, and red wine vinegar to blender. Use mix or middle setting to blend ingredients for 30 seconds. Pour this dressing into salad bowl. Lightly toss salad. Sprinkle salad with Parmesan cheese.

Note, pregnant women and small children should not eat raw eggs.

TIDBITS

1) Anchovies are a happening item. Italian prostitutes of the 18th century used anchovies when making their famous “spaghetti alla puttanesca” for their customers.

2) The Romans used anchovy entrails to make an aphrodisiac, to reduce ulcers, to cure dysentery, or to season their food.

3) So if you were a Roman woman and a man had you over for dinner and he served anchovy sauce, you might want to wonder about him.

4) On the other hand, we could dramatically cut the cost of health care by requiring all pizzas to come with anchovies. We wouldn’t need hospital or medical insurance, just a large anchovy with extra cheese.

5) And the aphrodisiacal–whoa spell check is okay with that–qualities of anchovy pizzas would mean we wouldn’t have to see those ViagraTM ads on T.V. anymore.

6) But PlayboyTM would sport ads about anchovies all the time.

7) The entire economy would be directed to processing anchovies.

8) Military spending would fall to zero.

9) Our anchovy-driven sexual frenzies would leave us wide open to conquest by our enemies.

10) But anchovies also contain a toxin called domoic acid whichcan drive a seagull insane if ingested in too large a quantity.

11) Which is why the United States Army has warehouses full of anchovies. Within 15 minutes of an enemy invasion, the roofs of all these warehouses retract to reveal millions of vats just brimming with anchovies.

12) America’s heroic seagulls would then gorge themselves on their favorite food, became crazy and attack the invaders, just like in Alfred Hitchcock’s, The Birds.

13) America cannot be conquered.

14) But then any country with sufficient anchovies and pelican couldn’t be conquered.

15) Countries would have an incentive to stockpile these items.

16) I fear an anchovy-and-pelican race between nations.

17) But if worse comes to worse, we will blast the Barney-the-Dinosaur song at our enemies until they cry uncle.

18) Let us banish this frightening scenario by sipping on a wonderful, ice cold root beer. Ah, life is good again.

19) Caesar’s salad, anyone?

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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