Posts Tagged With: De Lancey

Bad Advice Friday, 4-21-17

Oh my gosh. It’s Friday. I forgot to ask for more good questions seeking bad advice. It’s Friday? Really? Again? Did anyone see this coming? Anyway, I shall be dispensing bad advice to the three people who were Friday ready. As usual, the advice will stupendously bad.

Dear NF:

The best way to serve chicken is in stew. Ladle the chicken stew into a FrisbeeTM turned upside down. Toss the Frisbee still upside down. (If you toss it upside down, the stew will fall out. Gravity and all that.) At any rate, a clumsy toss or a klutzy catch will, by the law of inertia, result in the stew flying out of the Frisbee and onto your guest. Repeated practice for the two of you is a must.

The worst way to serve chicken is as slave or indentured servant. This plain sucks. The hours stink, chickens are always hungry. You’ll work for chicken feed. (See what I did there?) And your neighbors will laugh at your horrible plight. “Why don’t you just walk away and go home?” Like it’s that easy. Once a chicken has established its dominant position in the pecking order (See what I did there again?) your morale will be broken to such an extent that flight will be impossible. You really do have to win the inevitable staring contest that happens whenever you meet a chicken. So, stay away from chickens until you have practiced with a cat.

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LF asks: Do I have to turn on an oven to bake?

Dear LF: First, try waiting. Patience is a virtue. If after three hours nothing has happened, it’s time for plan B. Take an axe. Chop down a tree with it. Chop the felled tree into kindling. (By the way, axes are really good for ending those festering domestic disputes. I mean who wants to go to bed angry every night? Be sure to wash those bloody sheets in cold water or else the blood will stain your sheets forever. If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.) Anyway, rub two sticks from your kindling together until you get a good flame going. Throw the burnings sticks and the rest of the kindling in the stove. Soon you’ll have a good flame going. The smoke from the burning wood will set off your smoke detector, so be sure to disable that. If your cake is soaked in rum, you’ll have a pyrotechnic display that you and your guests will never forget. And you will have done all this without turning on the oven. Well done!

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ME asks: What should I do next?

Dear ME: Join the French Foreign Legion. I met a young man years ago while bicycling in France. He was on his way to enlist in the Legion. He seemed like a nice guy. So there you go. Also, don’t forget France always sends the Foreign Legion first to any foreign conflict. It always get to fight. Many times, the Frenchmen in the French army never get to fight. This means they never get to visit foreign countries. So, they never get to get to sample exotic cuisine served to the Legion while on patrol. Indeed, the qorma lawand (chicken stew) of Afghanistan alone is worth several firefights. So join up and eat well.

Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: bad advice | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bad Advice Friday, 4-14-17

Today is once more Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad.

PD asks: How do I get the cat to emulate a dog? He never meows anyway.

Dear PD: Male dogs like to lick their balls. Paint your cat’s nuts with liquid catnip. (The cat might resist for a bit.) Then feline instincts will take over and your cat will lick that catnip right off. Once the first step to dogdom is broken, adoption of other doggie traits will surely follow.

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LHH asks: When will my ship come in?

Dear LHH: Sad to say, you can’t count on a ship to dock at your town and have the captain come down the gangway and present you with the keys to the vessel. This is particularly so, if you live miles inland. Anyway, head to the port and buy the first cruise ship that takes your fancy. This will be your ship! Now mind you, cruise ships cost hundreds of millions, so saving is a must. You might find that you don’t have enough saved up. In this case, you’ll have to forgo such things as: lodging, clothes, and food. Indeed, you might to do without everything for decades, but don’t give up.. Stay true to your dream.

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ABG asks: What if I don’t want to get out of the pool?

Dear ABG: Who does? It takes a while to get used to the water and then it’s so cold when you get out. You need help. Simply hire a rodeo cowboy and a pilot with a helicopter. The cowboy lassoes you and the pilot ascends, lifting you out of the pool. You might even worry how the wind is blowing you repeatedly close to your house. But let’s not forget you’re out of the pool. Now it’s time for an after-pool cocktail.

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MA asks: Is there a way to find the Father of All Bombs?

Dear MA: Why yes, there is. First, go to your nearest air force base and ask to be let in. Ask politely or they won’t wave you through. Manners are always important. Should they ask why, tell the truth. You can’t imagine how many times spies, agent provocateurs (quite possibly spelled correctly), and terrorists lie to these guards. Your honesty will be just the fresh air needed to melt their suspicious hearts. Second, head to the shed where they keep the really big bombs. You are looking for the Father of All Big Bombs after all. Take that sledgehammer out of your vehicle and starting banging the heck of the bombs. (Note, while bombs are notoriously temperamental and apt to go off when hit by even the humble hammer, you can’t count on it. Do your research and find the bomb’s “E” spot, or “Explosive spot.) Anyway, hit those bombs as hard as you can with your sledgehammer. The bomb that flings your body the farthest will be the Father of All Bombs.

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PH asks: Mother a weed, father a weed … do you expect the daughter to be a saffron root?

Dear PH: No, no, you can’t, not even if you hire the finest genetic splicers. The best thing to do is glue saffron all over her. (Note, she might complain about that, particularly if she is a teenager.) Anyway, saffron is expensive, about $200 an ounce. Covering her all over with saffron might cost a half-million dollars. If you have that kind of money, your problem is solved. However, even if the most diligent searching for coins under the sofa cushions leaves you short, head to saffron-rich Tibet. Simply fly to India, hike across the Himalayan mountains, avoid the border guards, pick hundreds of pounds of saffron threads from the saffron flowers, carry your prize back across the Himalayas, and fly home.

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PH asks: If a man said to you, ‘A dog carried away your ear’ would you go after the dog or search first for your ear?

Dear PH: Oh my gosh, you’re told a dog carried away your ear and you want to waste precious time searching for it on your head? Do you wish to give the dog time to eat it, develop a taste for human flesh, and start a canine/culinary murder spree? Also, if you can retrieve that ear quickly you can get it sewn back own. Hurry, man, hurry. Chase after the nearest dog you see and pry open its mouth. Don’t let the fact that it’s a doberman or a pit bull scare you off. It’s your ear. If the dog happens not to have your ear in its mouth, apologize to its owner as manners are always important. Then take off after the next dog and so on. Good luck! I look forward to hearing from you.

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JW asks: Why?

Dear JW: I assume you are asking “Why can’t I find my car keys?” as this is by far the most asked why question. The short answer is that your car are not where you’re looking and vice versa. Clearly, you need more copies. I suggest one hundred car keys. Leave them all over your house, your place of work, and any stores you frequent. Be sure to leave details of your car such as make, year, color, and license plate on it. It would be embarrassing to come back to your local burger joint and pick a set of keys from the counter only to get to your cars and find you grabbed a set of keys belonging to someone else. Then your have to go back inside the joint and put those keys down, right in front of everyone. You look around, getting redder and redder. Finally, you find your 83rd set of car keys right where you were eating. By this time, everyone is laughing and you find yourself wishing you could merge your molecules into the wall. Don’t let this happen put your car’s info on every set of car keys. Now you know.

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WK asks: Did it ever say how many seashells Sally sold down by the sea shore?

Dear WK: As I learned the nursery rhyme while in school in Australia, the next line is, “But she shall sell her shells no more.” She’s not selling anymore. All of a sudden, we don’t know her name. She hasn’t shown up at beach since, despite the high demand for her designer sea shells from wealthy tourists. We can only conclude that she is in the witness protection program for testifying about seashore murder she saw. Which is unfortunate, as she is quite rich and is quite the looker. I recommend a door-to-door search across the country for her.

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DZ asks: I can’t stop the damned sports news updates from showing up on my Facebook trending topics, no matter how many times I dismiss them. It’s the only news I actually WANT Facebook to curate for me, and they won’t do it. Help me.

Dear DZ: You language is probably listed as American English with Facebook. America is sports mad. We have sports all year round. You’re not going to be able to avoid sports in your trending topics as long as your FB page is in American English. You will have to switch your page to an obscure language, one that is spoken by very few people. I recommend Chamicuro. Although it is spoken throughout the world, the total numbers of speakers is estimated at eight. How many professional sports teams could those speakers have? Yep, switch your Facebook page to Chamicuro and you’ll never see sports trending again.

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SF asks: If I ask a question = will you answer ?

Dear SF: ˙ǝɔıʌpɐ pɐq ǝʌıƃ oʇ ǝʌol ı ‘ǝsɹnoɔ ɟo ‘sǝʎ

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Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

 
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Is Pope Francis Really Stan Laurel, the Famous Comedian?

Let’s  look at what we know. Pope Francis is a nice guy. Stan Laurel was a nice guy. The pope wants to make us smile. Stan wanted to make us smile. Whenever we want to feel better, to feel happier, we go to see both of them. We feel an instant connection with those two. Pope Francis always wears a hat, so does Stan Laurel. They both sport heart warming grins. What are the odds of finding two different people like that?

Just like we never see Clark Kent and SupermanTM together, so do we never find Pope Francis and Mr. Laurel in the same room. Indeed, just as Stan Laurel faded from the public eye, Pope Francis began his ascent in the church. They were and are great men, who have done great things for us. They could do this, because they are indeed the same person. Consider all this and consider as well the pictures above. Open your mind and decide whether or not Pope Francis and Mr. Stan Laurel are really one and the same.

Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and to make comments to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

 

Categories: obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rizogalo (Rice Pudding)

Greek Dessert

RIZOGALO
(Rice Pudding)

INGREDIENTS

¼ cup butter
4½ cups whole milk
½ cup short-grain white rice
½ cup sugar
1 egg yolk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 teaspoon corn flour
¼ teaspoon cinnamon.

Makes 4 cups. Takes 3 hours.

PREPARATION

Add butter, milk, rice, and sugar to large pot. Bring to boil, stirring frequently. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 45 minutes or until rice is soft. Remove from heat. Whisk egg yolk in small bowl. Add egg yolk, vanilla extract. and corn flour. Mix with whisk until well blended. Ladle rice pudding into cups. Let cool at room temperature for 15 minutes, then in refrigerator for another 45 minutes. Sprinkle with cinnamon.

TIDBITS

1) There is quite a bit of stirring in this recipe. Doesn’t that all that stirring get tiring? Yes, it does. Which is why the Greek Aeronautics and Space Agency (GASA) has developed an autonomous robot designed for voyages to the asteroid belt.

2) Greek astronauts can’t afford to take their eyes off their rocket’s window for even one minute as asteroids and space rocks could crack their window. Whoosh! The astronauts would be sucked out by the vacuum of space. That would be horrible. So, you can see why GASA puts a rizogalo-making robot (RMR) on all missions.

3) RMRs are expensive. It needs enough artificial intelligence (AI) to make rizogalo without human aid. I also needs to cook in zero-gravity. Have you ever tried preparing rizogalo in outer space? It isn’t easy. The last time a human tried this the International Space Station was closed while Greek cleaning women were shuttled in. Getting all those globules with mops proved frustrating. The women had be trained for six months. The clean up took seven months. The Greek government ran up such a debt paying for this that it had enormous difficulties meeting its international obligations. Massive infusions of cash from Germany and other governments saved off default. Even so, the Euro almost collapsed. This would have destroyed the world economy. No one would have had money to buy clothes and most food. We would have been running around naked and eating lutefisk! So again, you can see why RMRs are essential on lengthy space flights.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

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Cucumber Yogurt Salad (salatet zabady bil ajur)

Sudanese Appetizer

CUCUMBER YOGURT SALAD
(Salatet Zabady bil Ajur)

INGREDIENTS

2 cucumbers
2 garlic cloves
1¾ cups plain yogurt
¼ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt

Makes 6 bowls. Takes 1 hour 15 minutes

PREPARATION

Peel and dice cucumber. Mince garlic cloves. Add all ingredients to serving. Mix well with whisk. Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour.

TIDBITS

1) The modern-day submarine looks like a cucumber. Of course today’s subs, which can stay submerged for six months and carry enough nuclear missiles to reduce several cities to a glowing fog of atoms, are unarguably more destructive than even the most beserk cuke. The fact remains, however, that nuke rhyming with cuke is no accident.

2) The first military submarine, the Turtle (1775) was based on a turnip. It didn’t do much. Underwater, culinary warfare fell out of favor for twenty-french years. Fulton designed the Nautilus for the French in 1800. It never went to sea as the humidity of the vessel caused the crew’s bread to go moldy and war without fresh bread was unthinkable.

3) In 1864, the submarine, H.L. Hunley, of the Confederate Navy sank the North’s wooden warship, the Housatonic. This was the first successful sinking of a warship by a submarine. It was also the first successful sinking of a submarine as the Hunley was too close to its own exploding torpedo. Remarkably, no had imagined this occurrence. A month later, Rebel scientists hit upon the idea of simulating a submarine attack with cucumbers and matches. Unfortunately for the South, General Sherman had already begun his destructive march through Georgia. He had specific orders from President Lincoln himself to cripple Confederate submarine research by having his army destroy every cucumber it came across. Once the Union soldiers found how much fun came from fighting cucumbers than a grey coat who’d shoot back, they started uprooting and burning all crops. The South no longer had food to feed its armies. Surrender of all rebel forces followed soon.

4) But the Civil War was a near-run thing for the U.S.A. In 1866, Congress authorized the creation of the Cucumber Underseas Naval Department (CUND.) Over the years, research expanded to investigate undersea applications from all fruits and vegetables.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Paul’s Banana Strawberry Nut Bread

American Breakfast

PAUL’S BANANA STRAWBERRY NUT BREAD

INGREDIENTS

3 bananas (overripe ones are better)
5 ripe strawberries
½ cup pecans
½ cup butter (softened or melted)
½ cup raisins
2 eggs
½ cup sugar
2¾ teaspoons baking powder
¼ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
⅛ teaspoon salt
¾ teaspoon vanilla extract
2¼ cups flour
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSILS

spice grinder
electric beater
9″ x 5″ loaf pan

Makes 1 loaf. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Peel bananas. Put bananas and strawberrues in large mixing bowl. Mash or smoosh with potato masher or fork. Chop pecans or grind with spice grinder until all the pecan bits are quite small. Add butter, pecan bits, raisins, eggs, sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, and vanilla extract to mixing bowl. Blend with electric beater set on medium or “cake.” With electric beater running, gradually add all the flour. Blend until the batter is smooth. Spray loaf pan with no-stick spray. Pour batter into pan. Put pan in oven. Cook for 45 minutes or until a toothpick or fork inserted into the middle comes out clean. Let cool for 20 minutes. Turn loaf pan over onto a plate.

TIDBITS

1) This is a moist and tasty bread. However, it would surely harden like a brick if left out under a hot, summer Sun and forgotten. Indeed, the Great Wall of China, built to keep out northern invaders, was constructed with banana-strawberry-bread bricks. These ingredients arrived via caravan along the great Banana Strawberry Road, stretching from Bananistan to Peking. The fruit bricks of Great Wall did their job until the advent of the Mongols, fierce fruit lovers who ate their way through. No country has a built a culinary wall ever since.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Bad Advice Friday, 3-10-17

Today is once more Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad.

MA asks: This has been bothering me…Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

Dear MA: It’s partially true. All cannibals, and especially gourmet cannibals, are food connoisseurs. Any dish that is not prepared correctly will taste funny to them. For example ribs, and every human body has them, just cry out to be barbecued and with the highest quality barbecue sauce. And oh my gosh, pair your meal with the correct wine. White meat goes with white wine and dark meat goes with red wine. However, it is not true that cannibals don’t like clowns. Indeed, cannibals also like actors and are avid fans of dinner theater. Go to a show with them, they really know how to have a good time.

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MH asks: How do you deal with that school parent who is “that mom” as she brags about her son’s grades and how well he punches kids in the stomach during gym class that always wants you and your kid to hang out with them, even giving your kid a kiss on the forehead and ordering her to sit next to him on the bus ride home?

Dear MH: Clearly words are working anymore. You need to take drastic actions. You need to get head lice for your daughter. Have your daughter put her head on the oafish boy’s shoulder. Many of her head lice will seek out the green pasture of the boy’s head and stampede there. Now getting head lice is getting harder and harder in America due to those pesky hygiene campaigns. In this case, go on a cruise, they’re fun, and head to a beach on your last port of call. Don’t give your daughter a towel. Have her put her head directly on the lice-infested beach. That ought to do it. And if the doltish boy is bald, feed your daughter lutefisk, the most evil food in the world, for breakfast. She’ll puke on the lout for sure. The kid and the mom will never want to bother you and your daughter ever again. Oh, I almost forgot. Head lice are distracting. His grades will suffer.

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JP asks: what do you do when your next door neighbors who just moved has a boyfriend who lets his kids ride round in a kids motorized vehicle that its hood is painted as a confederate flag. A flat bottom boat a giant boxed in trailer and a speed boat, 2 hammocsk and s..t lying over year oh and a home made brick firepit. Help redneck invasion call out the troops.
Dear JP: You can’t let yourself be intimidated. Go to the army surplus store and buy yourself a small tank. (Like the guy in San Diego did some years ago.) Be sure to get one with tires. Tanks with treads aren’t road compliant. Highway Patrol will give a ticket. Take your tank to your neighbors house and yell, “This is for Fort Sumter.” The clods will either back down or rush for their guns. You now have two choices. One, fire an armor piercing round into their pickup truck and machine gun their home. However, if you are anti-guns, may I suggest driving your tank over their pickup truck and smashing into their home. What stops a thirty-ton tank nothing? Their truck will be flatter than a pancake and their home will be spectacularly ventilated. When the police come by to investigate, simply say, “But office, they never invited me over for barbecue.” The law will understand.

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RAP asks: How do I get rid of my addiction for creating cookbooks?

Dear RAP: You are making the classic mistake of making good food, of making food with a nice aroma. You want to share your wonderful creations with the world. Stop it. Stop it, I say. Start making lutefisk, hasenpfeffer, and Limburger cheese. You’ll never want to write another cookbook. Indeed, you’ll probably never feel the need to cook again. So, it’s a good thing that Taco BellTM has a $5 box meal special going on.

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SP asks: Dear Abby De Lancey: I have a gorjus neighbor who has begun to sunbathe in the nude. The fence between our yards isn’t high enough to block the view, if I go to the top floor and stand on my toes. My question is, do you know of any telescope repair shops in my neighborhood that will accept a rush order? Thanks in advance for your bad advice.

Dear SP: Aww, thanking me in advance, what good manners! Anyway, why the high-tech solution? Why the shyness? Simply place your ladder on the fence and clamber over with a jar of pickles. She’ll appreciate your directness. Women hate wall flowers. Say to her, “These pickles suck. Speaking of sucking pickles, how about getting to know me better?” I guarantee an immediate response.

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SMC asks: What about my “naughty” problems?

Dear SMC: Make money off you “naughty” problems! Get your own reality show. Now you’ll have to have a gimmick to make your show stand out from all those other naughty-problem reality shows. May I suggest constant ad-lib haikus to accompany whatever you’re doing? T.V. listeners will eat it up.

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BRW sends us this delightful photo.

Dear BRW: What a clever cat you have, able to think cogently and bilingual at least. Everyone likes clever cats. Take your cat to your boss’s house. He’ll impressed as all get out when your cat imparts the above advice to his dog. Career mobility will be assured.

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DZ asks: Sometimes people send me a text saying only to give them a call. How do I make them send the information to me in a text like a normal person?

Dear DZ: Give them beans and tell them to under no circumstance to stuff the beans in their ears. Naturally their contrary nature will win out and they will stuff the beans in their ears. (I know this will work. Decades ago, a bright mind came to my father’s elementary school and told all the kids not to stick beans in their ears. The children, who up to then had never considered the idea, went home and pushed beans in their ears.) Anyway, the ear will swell up around the bean–pinto beans are the best–so tightly that they won’t be able to hear. They will be forced to text. Now the beans can be removed by a doctor, so the bean isn’t permanent, but the memories will be. They’ll never ask you to call again. And don’t stick beans in your ears, DZ.

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RSD asks: If i want to beat the best chess player in time and history (Michail Tal or Bobby Fischer) Do I need to go to heaven or hell or what/where/how? 🙂 I need advice, you being the world chef I thought I came to the right place as everyone needs to eat.

Dear RSD: The best chess players are not dead. Their deaths were faked by the CIA. Indeed they work for the CIA. You can find them at Area 51. Just drive up to the main gate and tell the guard that you want to play chess with Tal and Fisher. You’ll be amazed how quickly the guard will wave you in. May you bring your best game with you.

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TLR asks: I’ve been feeling the urge to get another tattoo, Paul. What should I get?

Dear TLR: Either a tattoo of all the recurring items you need to get from the supermarket, but always forget. I mean how many times have you made out a grocery list but forgot to bring it. Or a list of your family’s and friends’ phone numbers. Of course, once you tattoo their names and numbers on your arms, you will need to speak rather forcefully about the dire consequences of changing their phone number.

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Doctor Paul De Lanceycookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: bad advice | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Carrot Cake

American Dessert

CARROT CAKE

INGREDIENTS – MAINcarrotcake

4 eggs
1⅓ cups sugar
⅔ cup light brown sugar
3 cups shredded carrots
1 cup vegetable oil
¼ teaspoon allspice
2 teaspoons cinnamon
¼ teaspoon ginger
¼ teaspoon salt
2 cups cake flour or flour
½ tablespoon baking soda
1 cup chopped walnuts or pecans or combination
no-stick spray

INGREDIENTS – ICING

6 tablespoons butter (softened)
1 pound confectioner’s sugar
8 ounces cream cheese (softened)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric beater
9″ x 13″ casserole dish
3 mixing bowls (Or are you an outstanding chef like my Grandma Anna wished us all to be and who cleanse bowls and utensils as you cook?)
sonic obliterator

Makes about 30 2″-squares. Takes 2 hours.

PREPARATION – MAIN

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Add eggs to first large mixing bowl. Use medium setting on electric beater until frothy. (The eggs, not you.) Gradually add sugar and light brown sugar. Blend using electric mixer set on whip until well blended. Add carrots, vegetable oil, allspice, cinnamon, ginger, and salt. Blend with mixer set on medium-high until well blended.

Add flour and baking soda to second large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk. Add flour/baking soda from second mixing bowl to first mixing bowl. Blend using electric beater’s medium-high setting. Add nuts and stir with spoon.

Spray casserole dish with no-stick spray. Pour eggs/sugar/spice/baking soda mixture into casserole dish. Smooth with spatula. Bake at 350 degrees for 35-to-45 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center of cake comes out clean. Let cool on wire rack for 1 hour. Use spatula to smooth icing over carrot cake.

(Okay, little secret here. After 15 minutes, you can cool the cake down considerably faster by putting the casserole dish in cold water in the sink. Be sure the water is only halfway to the top of the casserole dish. If your casserole dish is too big for the sink, simply put it in the bathtub. Again, let the water go no higher than halfway up the side of the casserole dish. If someone happens to see your cake cooling in the bathtub and makes a snarky comment, zap him with your sonic obliterator. You don’t need that negativity in your life.)

PREPARATION – ICING

While cake bakes, add butter, confectioner’s sugar, cream cheese, and vanilla extract to third mixing bowl (Note: this cookbook always employs the Oxford comma when providing a list of ingredients. Long live the Oxford comma! Vexation to its enemies!) Ahem, beat ingredients using electric beater set on cream until ingredients become a fluffy icing.

TIDBITS

1) The famous French painter, Paul Cézanne believed, “A single carrot newly observed will cause a revolution.”

2) Eleven years after Cézanne died, the Russian Revolution began. People in the streets of St. Petersburg, the Russian capital, had been starving. They couldn’t afford the price of a loaf of bread.

4) Desperate to maintain order, the czar and his ministers bought up food from all over the world. They purchased cabbages from Germany, eggs from Sweden, and carrots from the gardens of Cézanne’s children. The authorities even bought beans, cotija cheese, and tortillas from Mexico. Surely, the rioters would be placated by burritos. I mean, who doesn’t like a burrito?

5) Unfortunately, as in the case of many government programs, well intentioned though they might be, something went wrong. The newly formed Russian Ministry of Burrito Assembly put a raw carrot in every burrito.

6) The Russian rebel rabble not appreciate the taste of the raw carrot, bean, and cheese burrito. They did not like its texture either. They did not like it in the city square. They did not like in their hair. They did not like it in the air. They did not like it anywhere.

7) So the Russians did not eat these burritos. And they grew hungrier and hungrier.

8) Then an artist named Ivan Popoff came across one of the burritos lying–Oh gosh, I hope I conjugated this evil verb correctly–split open on the street. Something about the burrito’s carrot struck him. “Oh ho,” he said, “I am observing this carrot in an entirely new way.” Lenin, a passerby, heard this and immediately started the Russian Revolution.

9) Millions died during the Russian Revolution and the ensuing decades. We should all pay more attention to French post-Impressionist painters.

cookbookhunksChef Paul

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World,  with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

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Bacon & Chocolate Party’s Principles and Stuff

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My fellow humans,

What with the Cubs quite possibly heading to the World Series for the first time since 1945, news about Bacon & Chocolate Party has been crowded. People starved for a real political party are asking, “What ever happened to the great Bacon & Chocolate Party?” and “What do they believe in?” Ok, here’s the scoop.

1) Bacon & Chocolate Party is on the ballot in all but fifty states and the District of Columbia.

2)) B&C is within 50% of the votes of winning every state’s and DC’s electoral votes.

3) B&C is corruption proof. We have accepted no contributions from any special interest or lobbyist.

4) Or lobbist, i.e., a professional tennis player.

5) B&C’s presidential candidate, Paul R. De Lancey, is amazing. The vice-presidential candidate, Candace C. Bowen, is crackerjack, too.

6) We believe in the tastiness and healing properties of bacon and chocolate.

7) Save our bees.

8) We believe much of the deadlock in D.C. is due to the rancor between the political parties.

9) We will enforce mandatory nap time every time cranky Congress fails to legislate anything.

10) We will take massive national polls on everything. Those issues getting the highest percentage of yeses will get passed.

11) Ms. Bowen and I and the B&C cabinet will take frequent naps as well. We don’t like getting cranky either.

12) We’ll have great big, super tasty barbecues every week on the White House lawn. One guests, picked randomly from all Americans, will attend these food fests.

13) Anything that adversely affects our bees and our bacon and chocolate supplies will be dealt with.

14) Funding for Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron will be increased. It does wonderful work protecting this great nation.

15) And stuff.

Presidential candidate Paul R. De Lancey

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

 

 

Categories: Bacon & Chocolate, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Kulu’wa (Beef tomato stew)

Eritrean Entree

KULU’WA
(Beef tomato stew)

INGREDIENTSkuluwa

1 pound lamb or beef stew meat
2 garlic cloves
1 onion
3 tomatoes
2½ tablespoons unsalted butter
1 teaspoon berbere spice
¼ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt

Serves 4. Takes 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cut meat into ½” cubes. Dice garlic, onion, and tomatoes. Add butter, garlic, and onion to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add tomato, berbere spice, pepper, and salt. Stir until well blended. Add meat cubes. Sauté at medium-high for 15 minutes or until meat is tender. Goes well with injera, Eritrean or Ethiopian flatbread.

TIDBITS

1) When objects recede from you at a very fast rate, say 43.7 miles per second, they will look redder than they really are. Astronomers call this display a “red shift.”

2) The entire universe is expanding. This is why some marriages fail. The partners are literally getting farther apart from each other every second. And that brown freckle? The expanding universe makes it looks redder as well. The freckle now looks like a hickey to your already suspicious spouse. Harsh words get said, words that can’t be taken back and soon you’re on your way to divorce court when a cop pulls you over for going 43.7 miles per second, which is way more than you thought your Honda FitTM could do even with high-octane gas. You try to tell the lawman that your speed comes from the expanding universe. He shakes his head. “Like I haven’t heard that one before.”

3) This is also why many people haven’t eaten this recipe’s red entree. Kulu’wa. The redness means it is moving away from you at 43.7 miles per second. You really have to be a speedy eater to get even one delicious spoonful in your mouth. Why, in just one minute your kulu’wa has made across the country. Most of my red soups end up at my brother’s kitchen table. He says, “Thank you.”

4) One of my tomato soups ended up at Cape Canaveral. NASA quickly bolted it down and is currently investigating its possibilities in powering intergalactic space travel.

Chef Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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