Posts Tagged With: Lutheran

Are You A Fast Food Dick?

Are you a fast-food dick? Do you make the help or other customers’ time in the fast-food restaurant miserable? Take this test and find out.

Do you:

1) Wait until you get to the head of the line to read the menu? (2 points)

2) Refuse to let someone else order when you can’t make up your mind? (1 point)

3) Bring in the all-you-can drink cup you got from your last visit so you don’t have to pay for a soda this time? (2 points)

4) Write a check? It’s no longer the 20th century. (1 point. 0 points if you can’t get a credit card.)

5) Ask if the food is fresh? (1 point)

6) Ask if the food is fresh if you see it coming out of a freezer? (2 points)

7) Park in handicapped parking when you are totally healthy, just because you won’t be there long? (3 points)

8) Back out of your parking spot without looking, because who could have possibly expected other cars to be in a fast-food restaurant’s parking lot? (1 point)

9) Order over forty dollars of food? (0 points. This is okay, just be aware people behind you will hate you even though this is not dickish behavior.)

10)Talk loudly into your cell phone all the time? (1 point)

11) Yell at the low-paid store employees? (3 points)

12) Insist on using expired coupons? (1 point)

14) Get got completely by surprised that you will have to pay for your order? ( 1 point)

15) Try to pay with your order completely with unsorted coins? (1 point)

16) Yell at someone for not speaking your language? (3 points)

17) Steal a bagful of ketchup, mustard, taco sauce, or other condiment packages? (1 point)

18) Cause the fast-food restaurant to stop leaving out condiment packages? (2 points)

19) Have kids shrieking all the time and do nothing to stop them? (2 points)

************************************************************************

What does your total score mean?

0 points: You are in no way a fast-food dick. Congratulations.

1-4 points: It’s still okay for you go into a store unsupervised. See a doctor about your dickish traits while they’re still treatable.

5-8 points: Cause for alarm. You may still enter a restaurant unattended. You will, however, be under constant surveillance.

9-12 points: You’re awful. You must post a bond before you enter any restaurant. The bond will be forfeited to your surrounding shoppers, should you ever run up a score of nine or more points.

13-16: You’re nearly erect. You must post a double bond before going into any restaurant. You must also be accompanied by a guard who will taze if you accumulate a score of thirteen or more points.

17+: You dick! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate you if you enter any fast-food eatery. A drone strike will obliterate you once you step outside.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Advertisements
Categories: are you a dick | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Burmese Crepes

Burmese Entree

BURMESE CREPES

INGREDIENTS

¼ cup (drained and cooked) azuki beans, watana beans, red beans, or kidney beans*
⅓ cup shredded coconut*
½ teaspoon baking soda
2 cups rice flour
¾ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon sugar
2½ cups water
no-stick spray
no-stick pan (You really don’t want the batter to stick to the pan, heavens to Betsy.)

* = Diced green onion or soaked split peas that can also be used for the filling.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

kitchen mallet
trained squirrel with cannon

Serves 8. Takes 1 hour.

PREPARATION

Add beans to flat surface. Smash with fork or kitchen mallet until the beans become a paste. Add shredded coconut. Mix with hands until you get a bean/coconut paste.

Add baking soda, rice flour, salt, and sugar to large mixing bowl. Stir with fork until batter is well blended. Add water. Mix with fork until you get a runny batter. Spray pan with no-stick spray. Ladle ¼ cup of batter to pan. Tilt pan so that batter spreads over pan. Fry for 2 minutes at medium heat or until bubbles appear on the crepe’s surface. Sprinkle bean/coconut paste onto the crepe. Use spatula to fold crepe in half. Fry for 1 minute on each side until the outside turns golden brown. Repeat for each crepe.

Serve right away. If quests and family don’t scurry to the kitchen table, threaten them with the squirrel ready at the cannon.

TIDBITS

1) The squirrel to the right is Sergeant Bill Redtail. He’s quite fierce. Don’t disappoint him.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How to Pass Trucks on the Freeway

Over and over, we must drive slower than the speed limit. Ninety percent of the time, it’s because drivers in the fast lane find themselves unable to pass a truck. They get alongside the truck and can go no farther. As a result, traffic in both lanes proceed at the speed of the slow truck. What to do? How can we help these overwhelmed drivers? I decide to go to Mr. Wisdom for help.

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cartoon | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

A Tale of Three Countries.

Dear People of South Sudan and Afghanistan,

Your reading my blogs validates my self worth. However, you are not reading blogs even though they are brilliant and funny, a triple hee even. What is wrong with you? I know you’re both undergoing lengthy civil wars, but so is Syria and it has managed to read my blogs. I know this is an oversight on your part and you will be soon chortling along with Syria and, indeed, every important country in the world. I look forward to meeting you and to feeling better about myself

Thank you,

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Chicken Angolana

Angolan Entree

CHICKEN ANGOLANA

INGREDIENTS

2 boneless chicken breasts
2 boneless chicken thighs
1 garlic clove
1 medium onion
1 bay leaf
1½ tablespoons butter
1 teaspoon paprika
½ teaspoon salt
1 12-ounce can beer
1 tablespoon olive oil
1½ tablespoons palm oil
2 teaspoons tomato paste
2 teaspoons vinegar

Serves 4. Takes 45 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cut chicken breasts and chicken thighs into 1″ cubes. Dice garlic clove and onion. Put all ingredients in pot. Simmer at low-medium heat for 15 minutes, then reduce heat to low and stir for another 15 minutes. Stir occasionally.

TIDBITS

1) Chickens d’Angola look fierce.

2) They do everything as a flock. Indeed traveling as flock on the ground–Oh, I so want to use the word herd–is the only activity that stimulates to urge to mate.

3) There you have it; chickens d’Angola are fierce and engage in mobile, group sex.

4) Which, are of course, the two requirements for a successful play.

5) Indeed, in 1932, the great playwright Bertold Brecht wrote the satirical play, Chicken Angolana.

6) Unfortunately, chickens d’Angolana are black and Himmler, had just issued black uniforms to his evil SS. He felt that the black chickens were a metaphor for the SS, took offense, and banned the play.

7) Indeed, Himmler hounded Brecht until the great playwright left Germany. Bertold’s brilliant play remained shelved for decades. Even now, productions of Chicken Angolana can only be found in neighborhood theaters in Berlin and, strangely enough, in Paducah, Kentucky.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Smoked Paprika Chicken

American Entree

SMOKED PAPRIKA CHICKEN

INGREDIENTS

2 teaspoons brown sugar
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon garlic powder
½ tablespoon garlic salt
2 teaspoons paprika
1 teaspoon pepper
2 teaspoons sea salt
5 chicken breasts
1 bags wood chips (alder, apple, maple, olive, pecan, or walnut)

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric smoker
digital thermometer (if your smoker doesn’t have one)
tin foil

Serves 5. Takes 2 hours.*

PREPARATION

Preheat smoker to 225 degrees. Add all ingredients except chicken breasts and wood chips to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until spice mix is well blended. Rub spice mix equally over chicken breasts. Add wood chips to smoker. Add spiced chicken to smoker. Smoke chicken at 225 degrees until internal temperature of chicken is at least 165 degrees. The thermometer should be inserted into the thicket part of the meat.

Check every 15 minutes. This should take 1-to-2 hours.* If you’re lucky, your smoker will be set up so that your smart phone will tell you when it’s done. Carefully remove chicken breasts from smoker, place them on a plate, cover them with tin foil, and let sit for 15 minutes.

* = Please note that the various smokers perform differently. So, check the manual for placement of chicken in smoker, cooking temperature, how to use wood chips, and other pertinent information.

TIDBITS

1) The Southern tobacco crop failed in 1858. Desperate good ol’ boys took to smoking spinach, cauliflower, and squash. These all proved to be quite distasteful failures. In 1859, Andrew Calhoun rolled paprika-spiced chicken in his cigarette papers. It tasted great. Things were fine. Then, in 1860, Lincoln ran for president on the anti-smoked chicken platform. Prominent Southerners claimed he was trying to destroy their way of life. The South seceded. But the North won the Civil War and banned chicken smoking. This is why we only smoke tobacco.

– Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My First Recipe – Paul’s Ham Salad

American Entree

PAUL’S HAM SALAD
(Old World Style*)

INGREDIENTS AND PREPARATION

 

 

 

 

 

 

Serves 6. Takes 30 minutes.

 

TIDBITS

1) This is, as far as I remember, the very first recipe I made up and wrote down.

2) It has a rather elegant simplicity, doesn’t it?

3) I think I was about eleven when I created this dish.

4) I looked like this back then. Wasn’t I cute?

5) My favorite food was tacos. Still is.

6) I was a food fussy when I was little.

7) I started cooking partly to control the meal and the ingredients. No icky foods would ever find there way into my meals. I also enjoy cooking. I find it therapeutic.

9) Food has worked it’s way into some of my novels as well.

10) This bio is over. I’m hungry.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gentle Reader,

I made this dish decades ago. It’s the first recipe I ever wrote down.

 

Categories: cuisine | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hot Fudge Sundae

American Dessert

HOT FUDGE SUNDAE

INGREDIENTS

2 tablespoons corn syrup or honey
7 tablespoons heavy cream (⅔ cup more later)
⅓ cup sugar
7 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
3 tablespoons butter, softened
½ teaspoon vanilla extract
⅔ cup heavy cream or whipped cream
2 cups vanilla ice cream
chopped peanuts as desired
maraschino cherries as desired

SPECIAL UTENSILS

food processors
sundae glasses

Serves 4. Takes 25 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add corn syrup, 7 tablespoons heavy cream, and sugar to pan. Simmer at low heat until sugar completely dissolves. Stir frequently. Add chocolate chips. Simmer at low heat until chocolate chips melt completely and blend in with heavy cream/sugar mixture. Stir frequently. Add butter and vanilla extract.. Simmer at low heat until butter melts and blends in with heavy cream/chocolate mixture. Stir frequently. This is the hot fudge. Remove from heat.

Add ⅔ cup heavy cream to food processor. Blend until you get whipped cream. Pour just enough hot fudge into sundae glasses, cups, or bowls to cover the bottom. Add equal amounts of ice cream to each glass. Top ice creams with an equal amount of hot fudge. Garnish with whipped cream, chopped peanuts, and cherries.

TIDBITS

1) The first Summer Olympics took place in Athens, Greece in 1896. These games started with the official eating of the hot fudge sundae which was made locally.

2) There were no opening ceremonies for the 1900 Summer Olympics in Paris. The official hot fudge sundae melted en route or got eaten by an Olympic relay runner. After waiting fruitlessly for a replacement sundae to arrive, an exasperated starting official said, “Screw it, let the games begin.”

3) In 1928, Olympic officials decided to reinstate the opening ceremony with a flame brought from Athens. This worked. They also shortened the opening ceremonial line to “Let the games begin.”

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Chicken Popper

American Entree

BACON WRAPPED JALAPENO CHICKEN POPPER

INGREDIENTS

4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
½ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
4 ounces cream cheese, softened
4 ounces diced, roasted jalapenos
½ cup grated cheddar cheese (2 tablespoons at a time)
12 slices bacon

SPECIAL UTENSILS

kitchen mallet
toothpicks
wire rack
no-stick spray
baking pan This entree won the American Civil War.

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Add chicken breasts to flat surface. Rub pepper and salt into chicken breasts. Put one plastic sheet under chicken breast and another over. Pound chicken with kitchen mallets until it is ¼-to-½” thin. Cut cream cheese into 4 long rectangles. Add 1 cream-cheese rectangle to middle of chicken breast. Flatten cream cheese with spatula. Sprinkle ¼ of diced jalapeno over cheese. Sprinkle 2 tablespoons cheddar cheese over jalapeno. Roll up chicken breast. and wrap with 3 slices bacon. Secure with toothpicks. Repeat for the remaining chicken breasts.

Spray wire rack with no-stick spray. Place pan in bottom rack setting of oven. (To collect drippings.) Put wire rack in the first rack setting over cooking pan. Bake at 375 degrees for 25 minutes. Move wire rack to the top spot of the oven. (Careful, use kitchen mitts.) Increase temperature to 425 degrees and broil for 6 minutes. Turn poppers over and broil for another 6 minutes or until bacon is crispy.

TIDBITS

1) Confederate Armies during the Civil War subsisted on taste-free crackers. Union forces, however, feasted on scrumptious BWJCPs. This difference in diet gave Billy Yank s a morale boost over Johnny Reb. Indeed, Billy Yank would taunt his foes by tossing BCWJCPs high in the air. The Southern will to fight soon crumbled. Bitter Southerners would not forget. They practiced passing long distances in the hopes of establishing football supremacy should that sport ever be invented. This is why Southern Universities have won one national football title after another.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Smoked Sirloin Roast

American Entree

SMOKED SIRLOIN ROAST

INGREDIENTS

3½ pounds top sirloin roast
5 tablespoons Montreal steak spice
2 tablespoons sea salt
2 cups wood chips: hickory, mesquite, or oak

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric smoker
kitchen string
digital thermometer (if your smoker doesn’t have one)

Serves 6. Takes 2 hours.*

PREPARATION

Preheat electric smoker to 250 degrees. Trim off excess fat from sirloin roast. Rub both sides with Montreal steak spice and sea salt. Roll up sirloin and tie it with kitchen string.

Add wood chips to electric smoker. Add sirloin to basket in smoker. Smoke until internal temperature, as measured by thermometer, reads 145 degrees. This will take about 2 hours.* The thermometer should be inserted into the thicket part of the meat. Check every 15 minutes after 1 hour. If you’re lucky, your smoker will be set up so that your smart phone will tell you when it’s done. Carefully remove basket from smoker and let sit 10 minutes. Carve and serve.

* = Please note that the various smokers perform differently. So, check the manual for placement of sirloin in smoker, cooking temperature, how to use wood chips, and other pertinent information.

TIDBITS

1) To serve six million people, simply multiply the ingredients and the number of special utensils by one million. Except for the ball of kitchen string. Simply get a ball of string that’s large enough. Buying ingredients for that number of guests will cost a lot of money. This is where your enormous ball of string comes in. People will pay good money to see a string ball that big. Why it would have a diameter (Does quick calculation in head.) of at least 25 feet. That’s all? Sorry, you’re on your own with expenses.

2) Then there’s the problem of finding 1,000,000 outlets. Even if you used every outlet in your city of 50,000, your smokers’ power surges would bring down your municipality’s power grid. The Pentagon, of course, knows this, and has plans to air drop millions of slow cookers and tons of ingredients around Russia’s nuclear basses. The resultant power surges will disable Russia’s entire nuclear capability. Now you know how the world will be safe.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: