Monthly Archives: June 2021

Great Arctic Eats – Narvik, Norway

 

Do you love to eat? Are you like Goldilocks in that you don’t like too many or too few people around?  Do you like the cool, bracing outdoors? Do you like history, beautiful mountains, and skiing? Well, Narvik, Norway is the place for you.
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There are 24 restaurants listed in TripAdvisor(tm) for Narvik! Let’s dine at the top five eateries.
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The must-go-to restaurant is Linken Restaurant and Bar. Be sure to try their turbot and cod. Fiskehallen also serves great local game such as venison, reindeer, wild boar, and ptarmigan with berries. Ptarmigan with berries! Where else can you get that? And wild boar! You can’t get that in my home town of Poway, California. They also serve reindeer-and-roes soup. Go there, go there and have a meal for me. The rooftop view from Linken is fantastic. Take in the town of Narvik and the beautiful mountains. The staff is friendly and knowledgeable. They also have reindeer tartar. Enough said. Go there.
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Second on our restaurant tour is Fiskehallen. As might be expected from a restaurant whose name means “Fish Hall,” it specializes in fish and seafood. But they do fish so well, perhaps even having the best fish in Norway.  The atmosphere is cozy, the portions are big, and everything is served by a friendly staff. Be sure to dine on their huge, fresh shrimp (OMG),  cod, Arctic char, and pan-fried halibut. Their side dishes are also tasty. Save room for their rich chocolate pudding and ice cream.
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Winning the bronze medal is Milano Restaurant Narvik. Scandavia’s Arctic Circle seems to favor Italian restaurants named Milano. Perhaps Milano is a chain and is winning over all the Northern diners. Milano of Narvik certainly serves great Italian food. They specialize in tasty pizzas. They also serve chicken meals and kabobs. Their large portions are served by a great, caring staff. The tea is great.  If I were to go there, I’d be tempted to sample a slice of their nacho pizza. Nacho pizza, north of the Arctic Circle, who would have guessed it? I am happy to relate that Milano Restaurant gave food during the Christmas season to locals hurting from the recent recession.
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We now visit Kafferiet Resurante og Bar.  Enjoy large portions in a cozy atmosphere. Be sure to try their reindeer shank, cod fillet, and leg of lamb.
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Special mention goes to Sushi Point.  A great staff serves tasty, fresh sushi at a good price. Sushi in the Arctic, this is a great town.
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The four best ways to reach Narvik are by: air, sea, car, and train. The fifth through seventh best ways will most likely take significantly longer and be less enjoyable
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Be sure to visit Narvik Krigmuseum.  This museum does a superb job of honoring the achievement and the courage of the Allied forces fighting the German invaders in 1940. Not only does it relate the fierce battles, but it also devotes a section to analyzing the big questions of war and human rights during conflict. It’s interesting and informative exhibits make it well worth a visit, particularly for history buffs. There’s also a nice little coffee shop and gift shop. Go there
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Then take the cable car to Narvikfjellet. This is resort is quite popular with the locals. It boasts of world class off-piste skiing. I don’t honestly know what off-piste skiing is, but it is world class. This skiing resort has some of the largest vertical drops in Scandinavia. Yikes for me, but fantastic for dedicated skiers. But don’t worry,  Narvikfjellet is also suitable for families and beginners. Admire the breathtaking view from the top and enjoy scenery from the cable car.
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You should probably visit Narvik Kjøretøyhistoriske Museum. Kjøretøyhistoriske translates as Vehicle History. That’s all I really know about the place. The museum earned a rare, perfect rating of 5.0. Yet no one left a review. Why? Why was that so hard? Perhaps the exhibits entranced the visitors so much that they were at a loss for words.
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Next on our museum tour is the Narvik Museum. It receives a still quite good rating of 4.0. However, its guests proved to be much more helpful than those went through the doors at Kjøretøyhistoriske. This museum tells the story of Narvik’s development. It emphasizes the stories of the iron-ore mines, the rail transport, the harbor, and the town’s tunnels and bridges. A section of the museum devotes itself to the great fire that destroyed the town’s old wooden center. Don’t forget to ride in an authentic iron-ore car.
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Finally, please visit the Polish War Memorial and pay your respects to the braves Polish sailors who died fighting the Nazis in 1940. They are especially worthy of our admiration for they sailed all the way here, despite losing their homeland to the Germans in 1939. To remember.
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As always, “Good eating. Good traveling.”

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Arctic eats, travel | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

This Many Calories In Four Tons of Makawoni Au Graten (Haitian macaroni and cheese)

A bit less than four tons.

The brilliant foodie Italiandiva asks:

“How many calories are there in four tons of Makawoni Au Graten?”

Dear Italiandiva,

Thank you for your interest.  The answer is 10,533,019 calories. This will serve 18,879 people.

Here’s how I derived that number. My recipe weighs 3.39 pounds. Four tons equals 8,000 pounds. I simply converted my recipe to serve 18,879 instead of eight.

Ingredient            Calories in four tons
———–             ———————-
pasta                           3,969,340
small onions                     49,528
garlic cloves                       9,434
red bell peppers               73,113
butter                            721,698
evaporated milk          1,075,472
mayonnaise                 1,441,038
Parmesan cheese         1,523,585
Edam cheese                1,669,811

Total =                        10,533,019

It almost goes without saying that you will need 2,360 casserole dishes. Actually, your shopping event will not be as fearsome as that. You already have one such casserole dish. So you will only need to buy 2,359 more. And here’s a time-saving tidbit. My recipe for 18,879 people requires 2,360 garlic cloves. That’s a lot of garlic cloves to peel. May I suggest buying already peeled garlic cloves? It will save you a lot of time. And oh, you’ll need 2,359 more ovens or one that’s built to truly exciting specifications.

Keep your questions coming.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., calorie counter

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: food | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Makawoni Au Graten (macaroni and cheese)

Haitian Entree

MAKAWONI AU GRATEN
(macaroni and cheese)

INGREDIENTS

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1 pound rigatoni or penne pasta
1 garlic clove
1 small onion
1 red bell pepper
3 tablespoons butter
1 12-ounce can evaporated milk
⅔ cup mayonnaise
1½ cups grated Parmesan cheese
1½ cup grated Edam or Gouda cheese
1 teaspoon seasoned salt

SPECIAL UTENSIL

9″ * 13″ casserole dish

Serves 8. Takes 1 hour 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cook rigatoni according to instructions on package. Drain and set aside. Mince garlic clove, onion, and bell pepper. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Add garlic, onion, bell pepper and butter to pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until garlic and onion soften. Add pasta and evaporated milk to pot with sautéed onion. Mix with spoon until well blended. Add mayonnaise, Parmesan cheese, Edam cheese, and seasoned salt. Mix with spoon until well blended. Ladle ingredients in pot into casserole dish. Bake at 350 degrees for 50 minutes or until top turns golden brown.

TIDBITS

1) Albert Einstein, the great mind of the 20th century, theorized that time slows as you travel at speeds closer and closer to the speed of light. He also postulated that as you zip along at velocities near the speed of light, that things get heavier and heavier.

2) So if you were in a spaceship traveling closer to closer to light speed, the time required to make Makawoni au Graten would go from 1 hour 15 minutes to hours and hours or even years. The weight of your macaroni would gradually increase from perhaps four pounds to four tons.

3) Who would ever want to wait years to eat this entree? Who would want to eat four tons of it? Certainly no American astronaut. This is why NASA never serves Makawoni au Graten on its space missions. Not to worry, though, it’s perfectly safe to eat here down on Earth. Darn tasty, too.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., critic

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Favorite Funny TV Shows

 

These are my favorite TV Shows. I hope I didn’t forget any.

* = Shows that were hilarious and I would very much want to see more episodes. Alas, it’s not possible. These tend to be shows that produced only a few episodes a year.

I hope the below list is helpful and that you get as much enjoyment from them as I did.

Absolutely Fabulous
All in the Family
Barney Miller
Beverly Hillbillies
Big Bang Theory
Black Adder I-IV*
Blacks Books*
Bob Newhart Show
Cheers
Corner Gas*
Corner Gas (animated)*
Cosby Show
Dad’s Army*
Dick Van Dyke Show
Fawlty Towers*
Father Ted*
Frasier
Friday Night Dinner*
Get Smart*
Goes Wrong Show*
Home Improvement
Honeymooners
How I Met Your Mother – Skip the last two seasons
IT Crowd*
Malcom in the Middle
MASH
Miranda*
Monty Python’s Flying Circus
Mr. Bean*
My Name Is Earl*
Northern Exposure
Odd Couple
Parks and Recreation – Skip the last two seasons
Petticoat Junction
Psych
Red Dwarf
Sanford and Son
Seinfeld
Simpsons
Scrubs
Top Gear (First 20 seasons) Mostly a car show, but the presenters are quite funny.
Workaholics – Mostly hilarious, but a few are a bit mean.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., critic

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: humor, observations, things to see and do | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Motivational Poster #6, Become A Chemist

Humanity has always been doggedly slogging away from the primordial ooze from whence it came. The advances from hominids to the first human, Lucy of Olduvai Gorge, came slowly. Then we evolved into Neanderthals, next Cro Magnons, and finally to our current state, the Modern Human. Along the way, we learned to hunt, raise crops, and build settlements. All of these advances were pretty darn exciting. People buzzed about the new achievements for decades.

But that was also a problem. The advances did take decades, if not millennia, to occur. Then chemists got involved. And Bam! Boom! The ideas and inventions kept coming, faster and faster. Before one could take down the year’s calendar, a new breakthrough in chemistry had occurred. And those new achievements were whizz-bang ones as well. Thanks to chemists we now have: distillation, gunpowder, pharmaceuticals, chemical batteries, petroleum, and plastics. “Those chemists have done it all,” I hear you say. “There’s no more breakthroughs to be had.”

But you’d be wrong. Why just recently, after extensive research, chemists came up with sliced peanut butter. Yes, no longer must we labor excavating peanut butter out of its jar and then, and then, spreading it painstakingly over a fragile slice of bread. Now, thanks to those visionaries we can simply peel off a slice of peanut butter and place it easily on a slice of bread. Life is good! Life is truly good. We are living in a golden age. Life couldn’t possibly improve.

But you’d be in error once more. That is if we don’t run out of chemists. A world without chemists is a world without blessed innovation. We need new chemists. Will you be one? The current and future generations will be ever so grateful.

 

 

 

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: motivational | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tahini Almond Cookies

Israeli Dessert

TAHINI ALMOND COOKIES

INGREDIENTS

⅔ cup butter
¾ cup sugar
⅔ cup almond meal or almond flour*
2 cups flour
1 cup tahini
⅛ teaspoon salt
½ tablespoon vanilla extract
3 tablespoons water (perhaps a bit more)
2 tablespoons almond slivers

* = Found online or in ethnic or specialty supermarkets. Or simply grind blanched, slivered almonds until you get the consistency of almond meal or almond flour.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric beater
2 cookie sheets
parchment paper
food processor or spice grinder (If you can’t find almond meal.)

Makes 48 cookies. Takes 45 minutes to make plus 15 minutes to cool.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Add butter and sugar to large mixing bowl. Blend with electric beater set on medium. Add flour and almond meal. Blend with electric beater set on medium. Add tahini and vanilla extract. Add salt, vanilla extract, and water. Blend again until you a soft, thick dough. (Add a little water at a time if dough is crumbly.)

Form 48 dough balls about 1″ across. Flatten dough balls until they become ½” thick circles. Gently press 2 almonds into the top of each dough circle. Place parchment paper on each cookie sheet. Add 24 dough circles to each cookie sheet. Bake for 15 minutes at 325 degrees or until cookies turn golden brown. Cool completely before serving to prevent them from falling apart.

TIDBITS

1) Four-leaf clovers are lucky, but, they’re hard to find. So maximize your good fortune by doing the following instead: place a clover on a plate or use a plate with a clover design, point the clover to the right, and surround the clover with four tahini-almond cookies. Like in the above picture. Doing all this but with four leaves on your clover, will make you the luckiest person ever. Now you know.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., fashionisto

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Am a Fashion Model – Sexy Summer Socks

 

 

The very latest fashions from France! And what will the Beau Brummels of the world  be wearing? Why, socks about tropical paradise. Socks about large wild animals. Socks about food.

These are socks that proclaim to the fashion world, “I have something to say.”  Mais oui, chat-up lines are out, chat-up socks are in.

Above, we see sexy socks from straight from the prestigious La Maison de la Oh La La. Your sweetheart will be saying “Oh La La” after flashing her lusting eyes on this alluring hosiery.

And the excitement keeps coming. Monsieur Fromage of Le Monde Chausette raves, “Mais oui we are living in exciting times. For all history, we’ve shackled the sock wearers to the notion that socks must match. Mais non, we have throne this idea ancienne into the dust bin of sock history. Today, we proudly wear socks that tell, how you say, a story.”

And in the above photos you can see the fulfilment of this daring, visionary dream. Together, the left two socks weave a story of tropical passion and intrigue. The middle two socks lure us into a world of exotic adventure, a romantic safari perhaps? The right socks regale us with culinary masterpieces. Your date will be eating up your two course meal.

Bonne chance, my fashion-following friends.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., fashionisto

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: fashion, fashion model, international, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

We Need To See a Happy Dog At the Beach

 

 

 

 

 

Dora Dog says, “Hi.” She invites us to chill with her at the beach.

See how she smiles at us. Things are getting a little better already.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Cottage Pie

British Entree

COTTAGE PIE

INGREDIENTS – MASHED POTATOES

4 medium potatoes
⅔ cup milk
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt (½ teaspoon more later)
½ cup Cheddar cheese (¼ cup more later)

INGREDIENTS – FILLING

2 carrots*
1 garlic clove*
1 onion*
1 pound lean ground beef
2 tablespoons fresh parsley**
1 teaspoon fresh rosemary**
2 teaspoons fresh thyme**
2 tablespoons flour
1½ cups beef broth
½ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon tomato paste
½ tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
½ teaspoon salt
¼ cup frozen peas*

INGREDIENT – FINAL

¼ cup Cheddar cheese

SPECIAL UTENSILS

potato masher
9″ round casserole dish
sonic obliterator (This gadget really is essential for the modern kitchen.)

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 30 minutes..

* = There is a fierce controversy over what veggies go into a cottage pie. You are one your own on this one. Carrots and peas are the most popular. You’ll probably want a sonic obliterator on hand in case one of your guests argues with you over your vegetable choice. It’s okay to zap them with your sonic obliterator. There is indeed a legal precedent for this. (See M. Soult v M. Oudinot, 1809) Just remember, a cottage pie uses beef while a shepherd’s pie uses lamb.

** = If you don’t have fresh herbs handy, use 1 teaspoon dried herbs for 1 tablespoon fresh herbs.

PREPARATION – MASHED POTATOES

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Peel and cut potatoes into 1″ cubes. Add potatoes and enough water to cover them to large pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 15 minutes or until potato cubes are tender. Drain water. Add milk. Mash potato cubes with potato masher. Add pepper, ¼ teaspoon salt, and ½ cup cheese. Stir with fork until well blended.

PREPARATION – FILLING

While potatoes boil and simmer, dice carrots, garlic clove, and onion. Add carrot, garlic, onion, and beef to large pan. Cook at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Briefly remove from heat. Dice parsley, rosemary, and thyme. Add parsley, rosemary, thyme, and flour to pan.

Add beef broth, ½ teaspoon salt, tomato paste, and Worcestershire sauce to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Add contents from mixing bowl to pan. Return pan to heat. Simmer at low-medium heat for 20 minutes or until most of the liquid has been absorbed. Stir frequently enough to prevent burning. Stir in peas.

PREPARATION – FINAL

Add filling to casserole dish. Smooth until level. Spread mashed potatoes evenly over filling. If you are adventurous, use fork to make swirly designs in the mashed potatoes. Sprinkle ¼ cup cheese over mashed potatoes.

Bake at 400 degrees for 25 minutes or until top turns golden brown. Serve to appreciative guests. Use sonic obliterator on the ungrateful ones.

TIDBITS

1) Cottage pie uses peas. Peas were likely eaten by Neanderthals 46,000 years ago.

2) Because peas help with: protein, blood-sugar management, digestion, your heart, and protects against cancer. But even so, the Neanderthals died out just 6,000 years later. Why?

3) We know that peas were eaten by modern humans, Cro Magnons 23,000 years ago. So apparently, they went 17,000 years without peas. Yet their branch of the human family tree prospered, Cro Magnon’s descendants walk among us today. I confess to being one of them.

4) Culinary anthropologists agree on the following explanation. From 40,000-to-23,000 thousand years ago, Neanderthals and Cro Magnons engaged in a life-and-death struggle. Both sides strove to gain control of the life-sustaining, wild-pea patches. Ultimately, the Cro Magnons prevailed. So, they lived. The pealess Neanderthals went extinct. Bummer.

5) The Romans ate peas. The built, by conquest, one of the greatest empires in history. The Saxons did not eat peas. The Normans did. This explains the Norman Conquest in 1066.

6) So when your parents told you to eat your peas, they knew what was at stake.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., fashionisto

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Am a Fashion Model – Summer Wear

 

The very latest fashions from France! The current trend, the now, the wow are fine-dining pajamas

On the left, we see Monsieur Paul De Lancey model a matching ensemble of dinosaur pajamas . These elegant, yet simple clothes are bound to bring about a convivial, relaxed atmosphere to even the most stifling soirées. This charming evening wear comes from Rive Droite.  Your dining companion won’t be able to take her eyes off you whether you’re stepping out at an after treaty-signing party or planning a tête-a-tête at Maxim’s of Paris. This outfit is sure to complement her little black dress. Ooh, la, la.

What will you be wearing to celebrate your latest merger or acquisition? Why the delightfully coordinated pajamas on the right. It’s straight from the fashion geniuses at La Maison de la Baguette. This combination shouts, “I have arrived! I am as powerful as the Batman and Robin(tm) crime fighting duo. And I’ll never worry again, for I am relaxed as surfers.” Women will notice you in even the most crowded ballroom and think, “I must go home with him tonight. This is the man I will marry.”

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., fashionisto

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: fashion, fashion model | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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