apocalyptic

Punxatawny Phil, Mr. Armageddon

Punxatawny Phil, Mr. Armageddon

We all know that when the gopher Punxatawny Phil comes outside our temperatures hang in the balance. If he sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter. If not, we get spring right away. Up to now, Phil has alternated fairly well between producing spring and extending winter.

It’s all fine if this alternating continues. However, if Phil, for any reason, sees his shadow each and every February, then we’ll have long winter after long winter. Our Earth will plunge into a new ice age. Crops will fail. People will freeze. Economies will fracture. Countries will compete for scarcer and scarcer resoures. Wars will break out around the globe. Losing nations will launch nuclear weapons, if they have them. Between scarce resources, the ravages of conventional and nuclear warfare, and nuclear winter, we’ll all die.

Well, that’s a bummer.

The future stays almost as bleak if the bloody minded Phil never sees his shadow. We’ll have long-and-scorching summer after long-and-scorching summer. Our Earth will become a permanent furnace. Crops will fail. People will die of heat stroke. Economies will fracture. Countries will compete for scarcer and scarcer resoures. Wars will break out around the globe. Losing nations will launch nuclear weapons, if they have them. Between scarce resources, the ravages of conventional and nuclear warfare, and nuclear winter, we’ll all die. But maybe not all of us. If we’re lucky, the nuclear winter will bring the oven-hot temperatures back to normal. Still, we’d have to deal will slow starvation and bone-melting levels of radiation. Over all, this is still a bad scenario.

So what’s to keep a cantankerous Puxnatic Phil from unleashing climatic armaggedon?

Hostages.

We have to take Phil’s family hostages. Everytime forecasts the same way  three times in  row, shadow or no shadow, we off one of his family. Every similar forecast after that brings about another gopher-family execution. Harsh, I know, but eight billion people will die in Punxatawny Phil’s Mass Extinction.

We also need to worry about Phil going blind. Will he take his blindness as a never-ending gigantic shadow? Or maybe he won’t see, see what I did there, any shadow in the omnipresent blackness.

Either way, as we established above, the consequences will be armageddon.

We have to give Phil annual eye exams.

We have to take Punxatawny Phil’s existential threat seriously.

Have a nice day.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Why Death Does Not Scare Me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: apocalyptic, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What I Did Today

 

Intergalactic Sperm Cell (left) Tries to Impregnate Sun

1) Saw to my retirement funds.

2) Saw to my health care.

3) Helped take down an outdoor trampoline.

4) Prepared homemade sauce and pork/meatballs for spaghetti dinner.

5) Prevented Earth from spiraling out of its orbit and colliding with the Sun. Things would have gotten hot.

I’m rather proud of 5).

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: apocalyptic | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Exciting News From 1995

 

I still find it astonishing that Russia, for a brief period in 1994, was unable to launch its nuclear missiles. Also consider that squirrels have three times brought down NASDAQ, a stock exchange, by chewing into its power cables.  Combine those two facts. Get squirrels to gnaw into the powerline between Moscow Electric and Russia’s nuclear arsenal. Get those critters to knock out Putin’s ablility to nuke the USA.

Or perhaps the Pentagon already has such plans. And they’re secret. Oopsie.

The other bits of news shown on the page on the right remain interesting in their own right. Particularly the one at the bottom.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: apocalyptic, history, humor, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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