Monthly Archives: May 2022

We’re French and You’re Not – Chapter One – Chardonnay Man – Part 1

CHAPTER 1–CHARDONNAY MAN

Mom and Dad never talked much about the visit of Robert and his friend Jean, but I still remember how my French heroes smashed into our propane tank, burned down our barn, and tried to drive away with Mom.

Their stay, while arguably bad for Mom, a nondescript, faded beauty of 5’ 5” who now looked like a Russet potato with red hair, and Dad, an incredibly typical Republican farmer, inspired me to court my Frenchwoman.

Her name was Yvette Airelle. She wore dresses instead of overalls, dyed her hair blue to match her eyes, and smelled wonderful on the days that she showered. Her Parisian parents had sent her to Wheaton High to learn English, but she just wouldn’t talk to us brutes from Wisconsin.

But she would, if I learned how to act French like Jean and Robert. But I could do that, for I had Robert’s slightly charred diary. It was a wonderful book.

At first, just picking it up would make me daydream about them. Later, its passages came more and more to resemble my life.

Yes, I remember picturing them at their favorite café sipping their champagne when . . .

* * *

“There he is, the Premier of Belgium! At this very café, at this very table! Monsieur Le Secraisin, I must act.”

Monsieur le reporter, I too am outraged. He is sitting at our table. But how shall we get rid of him? Ah, he is eating pêche flambé.”

Fwoosh!

“You set the man on fire! The head of Belgium! They are taking him away.”

Monsieur, have a seat. Our table just became available. Calm yourself. I, Robert Le Secraisin, am a much better interview.

“You, of course, wonder, ‘what makes me so wonderful?’ You notice my dashing good looks and effortless charm. But still you think, ‘But this is not enough. These qualities only make me one in a thousand. What makes me the center of everyone’s attention?’ Well, for the few who do not know me, I race balloons. Yes, I do this with such style for such a worthy cause. I race for wine!

“But yes, I am a splendid 38 year-old, and in just eleven days, I shall take to the skies for the honor of my venerable vineyard, ‘Le Cerveau Malsain,’ and my fellow ‘Lords of Fun.’

“My goal is to bring the first bottle of Chardonnay wine to the British market in the annual Chardonnay balloon race. I am most assuredly the best.

“Ho! ho! I will spend the prize money on the best wine, talk to my many admirers, and say pretty things to all the beautiful women who wish to be seen with me. Yes, my life is one that all people should have.

“Ah! Here is my good friend Jean Bouillonner. Jean, will you join us for some pêche flambé?”

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: We're French and You're Not | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Kansiye From Guinea

Guinean Entree

KANSIYE

INGREDIENTS

¼ pound butternut squash or sweet potato
1¼ pounds beef (round, chuck, or sirloin) or lamb
2 garlic cloves
1 onion
2 tomatoes
2½ tablespoons vegetable oil
¼ teaspoons cloves
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
⅔ cup rice
2 cups beef stock or lamb stock (Should match the meat used)
¼ cup creamy peanut butter.
¼ teaspoon thyme
1 tablespoon parsley, fresh

Serves 4. Takes 1 hours 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Peel squash. Cut squash and beef into 1″ cubes. Mince garlic cloves, onion, and tomatoes. Add beef cubes and oil to large pan. Sauté beef for 5 minutes at medium-high heat or until completely browned. Stir enough to ensure even browning. Add cloves, garlic, onion, pepper, and salt. Reduce heat to medium. Cook for 3 minutes. Stir frequently.

Cook rice according to instructions on package. Add beef stock, butternut squash, tomato, creamy peanut butter, and thyme. Stir until well blended. Simmer at medium heat for 15 minutes. Reduce heat to low-medium. Simmer for 15 minutes or until squash cubes become tender. Stir enough to keep from burning Add rice to serving bowls. Ladle contents of pan over rice. Dice parsley. Sprinkle bowls with parsley.

TIDBITS

1) Pin the Tail on the Donkey has been a favorite party game for nursery schoolers and kindergartners for decades. Many people think the game originated in America, pointing to Edgar Allan Poe’s thrilling and eerie short story, “Pin the Tale on the Donkey.”

2) No, I say no. Pin the Tail arose in Guinea. Young kids would attempt to pin fresh parsley on the butternut squash cubes in a a bowl of Kansiye. Guinean boys and girls loved the game. Guinean mothers did not. They’d spend hours cleaning up splashed kansiye everywhere. Poe, in one of his travels to Africa, saw kids playing Pin the Parsley on the Butternut Cubes in a Bowl of Kansiye and had an idea. This idea would launch his literary career.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

We’re French and You’re Not – Overview

We’re French and You’re Not is one of my favorite novels. I’m going to be providing excerpts from the first chapter during the coming days. I hope you will enjoy them as much as I did writing them.

We’re French and You’re Not, is a hilarious romp focusing on the clueless French millionaire, Robert, and the effects of his diary on the conventional Wisconsin farm boy, Frank.

While in America, Robert and his constant companion Jean meet Henrietta Montcalm, a meek and nervous redhead. Their influence turns her into a feisty woman wanted by the police.

Henrietta decides to marry Robert and guides them toward a wedding in Reno. Jean can’t stand the thought of Robert giving up his bachelor lifestyle, so natu-rally he tries to kill him. Neither Jean, a burning hotel, nor fighter jets stop Henrietta from marrying Robert and taking off for her honeymoon.

Along their way, they incidentally: squash the Queen’s dog, fly a small plane inside an airport terminal, run McDonald’s in a very French way, rent exploding furn-iture, open childcare in Mammoth Caves, open a gourmet hospital, and drive their Geo Metro the wrong way in the Indy 500.
Sacre bleu, what fun things the Wisconsin farm boy learns about the world.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Wander Wunder Wonders About Directions

How does Santa Claus find his way on Christmas Eve?

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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I Simplify Darts

Simple, Safe Darts

Has this happened to you? You’re off to the local bar to play for the Dart Championship. You have a five-year old girl, Stella. She adores you. She wants to play darts with you. “You can’t play darts with me, sweetie,” you say, “They serve beer and whisky there. You far too young to drink that stuff. Sorry, you’ll have to stay at home.”

Stella sulks and sulks. In fact, she will sulk every single day until she’s old enough to leave the house. During that time, she comes to learn about and revere Lizzie Borden, the woman who killed both her parents with an axe. Fortunately, you have a time machine. You go into the future and learn of your bloody demise. You recognize right away that you don’t want this.

So,

you buy the little princess her own darts and dartboard. Alas, being five-years old, Stella’s aim is quite poor. Her toss veers wildly off course and skewers Timmy’s right hand. Timmy will never master cursive writing. His classmates will tease him incessantly. Timmy will withdraw into himself. He’ll never write A Blueprint for Resolving All Disputes Everywhere. Without this blueprint, future wars won’t be stopped. Not ever. You go into the future again and are appalled.

So,

you buy Stella, foam darts and a foam dartboard. This time around–Hee hee, see what I did there–she doesn’t hurt anyone. However, add 17 + 3*20 and 13 proves too much for Stella’s young untrained mind. She learns to hate math. She develops a lively hatred for intellectuals and learning in general. Your princess nutures this hatred into a fierce desire to become President, or Prime Minister, if she moves to Britain. Once in power, she’ll completely sever all funding at all levels for education. Her country soon becomes completely ignorant of all things. Soon, the entire nation will be reduced to hunter/gatherers and is living in caves. You see this after travelling once more into the future. You resolve to stop this too as well.

So,

you again make Stella form darts and dartboard. This time, hee hee, the dartboard looks like the one above. Every toss of her dart, results in a score of one or zero. Even your young Stella can add ones and zeros. So, she won’t follow you to the bar. She won’t pierce her brother’s hand with a dart. She won’t reduce an entire nation to caveman status. In fact, Stella will growsup to be incredibly average. She’ll blends into the background and never really get noticed for anything.

But given, her alternative timelimes, you are very happy at that. You might even go to the bar and have two beers to celebrate.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: I simplify | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Very Sad

I’m very sad today. I can’t explain. There will no funny blog. There will be no food blog. Sorry.

 

Paul De Lancey, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dajaj Mashwi (Grilled Chicken) From Saudi Arabia

Saudi Entree

DAJAJ MASHWI
(Grilled Chicken)

INGREDIENTS

2 pounds boneless chicken breasts
1½ tablespoons lime juice
4 teaspoons olive oil (1 tablespoon more later)
¾ teaspoon chili powder
½ teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon garlic powder
¾ teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon sesame seeds
½ teaspoon sumac or za’atar, lemon zest, lemon pepper, tamarind, or vinegar
2 Roma tomatoes
1 medium yellow onion.
1 tablespoon olive oil

SPECIAL UTENSILS

plastic wrap
kitchen mallet
outdoor grill or grilling pan

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Place plastic wrap on chicken breasts. Flatted chicken breasts with hammer. Add all other ingredients except Roma tomatoes and 1 tablespoon olive oil to mixing bowl. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Add chicken breasts. Turn chicken breasts until well coated. Marinate in refrigerator for 40 minutes

Slice onion into 8 pieces. Slice Roma tomatoes in half. Use brush to coat onion and tomato slices with 1 tablespoon olive oil. Add marinated chicken, onion slices to grill. Grill at medium heat for 15 minutes. Carefully flip everything once. Goes well with aioli sauce, spicy rice, and garlic sauce.

TIDBITS

1) Humans like grilled chicken. In fact, people love it so much, that no war was ever launched when soldiers ate grilled chicken. A happy, well-fed fighter simply isn’t in the mood to shoot anybody. So, tyrants wishing to invade another country, attack at weird hours in the morning when no one feels like eating. Or the dictator’s soldiers never get chicken. Either way, they’re grouchy and will fight.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You Need to See Jumping Girls

Sometimes our lives get too stressful. Sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes we forget how to jump for joy.

The girls shown below came by to remind us how. “Come join us,” they say. “It’ll be fun.”

Come join us.

 

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Why Watch Football When You Can See Football Football?

Sports have gotten boring. Even football. Sure there are great bursts of excitement. I mean, what can rival a 95-yard pass in getting your heart pumping? But this thrill lasts for a few seconds. Half-minute huddles precede each and every play. Watching paint dry is more exciting. And then there are the team time outs. And then there are theTV timeouts. I tell ya, evenwatching plate tectonics at work provides a stronger adrenaline rush.

At present, there’s only two teams on the field at any one time. What’s up with that? Only one team to root for. Only one time to boo.

What is the solution to this dreary state of affairs?

Simple.

But four teams on the field. As before, Team A wins by outscoring Team B. But now Team C plays against Team D.

Huzzah!

With four teams competing, there’s bound to be a play going in at any one time.

Note that the teams lining up for a play are not obligated in any way to get out of the way of the play in progress. Sure they can, but only if they want to.

This brings up instant strategy considerations. Suppose you’re on defense for Team A. A wide receiver for Team D catches the ball and eludes all of Team C’s defenders. Do you let the wide receiver go by you and score? After all his touchdown won’t affect your game. Suppose your team needs Team D to lose to get into the playoffs. In this case, you tackle the receiver.

Wow! Total excitement! Exclamation points galore! Talk about cardiovasular excercise. Will a defender tackle that player with the ball or won’t he?

The thrills work just as well on offense. You’re a tight end for Team A trying to catch a poorly thrown ball by your quarterback. But wait! C’s QB has thrown a pass that is nearer to you. You catch that one and run all the way to the end zone. Bad for C’s receiver, but maybe he can haul in your QB’s toss. It’s easy to construct a scenario where Team A will find it easier to pass to Team C’s receiver. Or vice versa. If you’re on defense whom do you defend against, Team A or Team C?

I tell ya, it’s like combining the intellectual challenge of chess with the non-stop action of a marathon, while still keeping football’s bone crushing hits of football.

And can you imagine the bee-hive activity on the field when someone fumbles? All four teams will be going for the ball. What if the other two teams are in the middle of a play as well? If this isn’t Excitement City, then nothing is.

We need Football Football. Once watched, you’ll never go back. Join me in making this happen. Then tell me what you like about Football Football.

Below is a picture of a Football Football game. Doesn’t your heart thump a bit faster just looking at it?

Football Football

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: sports | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Imbakbaka From Lybia

Libyan Entree

IMBAKBAKA

INGREDIENTS

1 pound boneless chicken parts or 1⅓ pounds with bone in
3 garlic cloves
1 jalapeno (optional)
1 medium onion
3 tablespoons olive oil or vegetable oil
¾ teaspoon cayenne
½ teaspoon cinnamon
½ tablespoon coriander
½ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon paprika
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon turmeric
3 tablespoons tomato paste
5 cups water
¾ pound elbow macaroni or other pasta
1 cup canned and drained garbanzo beans or diced carrots

Serves 6. Takes 45 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cut or divide chicken into 8 pieces. Mince garlic. Seed jalapeno and cut it into long, thin strips. Dice onion. Add oil, garlic, and onion to large pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add chicken, cayenne, cinnamon, coriander, cumin, paprika, pepper, salt, and turmeric. Sauté at medium-high heat for 4 minutes or until chicken pieces brown on all sides. Stir frequently.

Reduce heat to medium. Add tomato paste. Cook for 3 minutes. Stir enough to prevent burning. Add water and jalapeno strips.. (The water should completely cover the chicken.) Bring to boil using high heat. Stir enough to prevent burning. Add macaroni and garbanzo beans. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 20 minutes. Stir occasionally.

TIDBITS

1) Many avant-garde diners want to eat their Imbakbaka while using a force field. In this scenario, the chef tosses the contents of the pot into the air. The force field prevents gravity from bringing the food down to the table. The diners simply scoop up the food dangling in the air with their spoons. With no food hitting the table, the need for dishes disappears. Clean up becomes much easier. This advantage is no small thing to busy restaurant owners. However, the energy needed to maintain these force fields for one chef will use up the energy supply of the entire world. Bummer.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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