Monthly Archives: August 2012

Honey-Mustard Sauce

American Appetizer

HONEY-MUSTARD SAUCE

INGREDIENTS

1/3 cup yellow mustard
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon coriander
1/4 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
1/4 teaspoon ground mustard

PREPARATION

Use whisk to mix all the above ingredients in a small bowl. This is so easy and so tasty. Try it!

TIDBITS

1) Mustard was found in the pyramids of Ancient Egypt. Apparently, properly spiced food was just as important in the afterworld as it was in the land of the living.

2) There are 250,000 seeds in a pound of mustard. If you were to count one seed a minute, it would take you almost three days.

3) May I recommend that you a 1/4-teaspoon spoon instead?

4) Canada produces ninety percent of the world’s supply of mustard seeds. Go, Canada!

5) People in the 19th century put packs of mixed hot mustard with a lot of flour on their chests to relieve congestion. They passed this remedy on to succeeding generations.

6) People who used only plain hot mustard on chests were in too much pain to make succeeding generations.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Turkey Stroganoff

Russian Entree

TURKEY STROGANOFF

INGREDIENTS

12 ounce bag egg noodles
water
1 garlic clove
1 small onion
1 1/2 pounds ground turkey
1/2 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon paprika
2 teaspoons butter
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 1/2 tablespoons flour
1 cup chicken broth
4 tablespoons sour cream

PREPARATION

Start cooking egg noodles according to instructions or slowly add egg noodles to large pot of boiling water. Keep noodles in boiling water for 5 to 7 minutes. Drain water from noodles with colander.

Mince garlic clove. (Do a small victory dance to celebrate another victory of Man Versus Garlic.) Dice onion (If you look carefully through your tearing eyes, you might see the onion bits move slightly. This is indeed the onion’s victory dance and you should be honored if you get to see it.)

Meanwhile, back at the mixing bowl, combine turkey, garlic, coriander, salt, pepper, onion, and paprika. Cook until there is no pink turkey meat.

Melt butter in frying pan using medium heat. Add olive oil and flour. Stir constantly until mixture thickens. Add turkey/spice mix. Add in sour cream and broth. Cook on medium-high heat until the entire mixture is hot.

This is a simple dish with easy steps, yet enough spices to make your guests drool. Life is good.

TIDBITS

1) Butter is made by agitating fresh cream.

2) Fresh cream, being an inanimate object, is usually cool by nature and difficult to agitate.

3) So you’ll have to call your fresh cream all sorts of nasty things to agitate it enough to make it become butter.

4) Things like “Your momma dates Sweet N LoTM” and “Butter begins with ‘butt’.”

5) Butter is largely a colloid of milk and water.

6) What’s a colloid?

7) Butter comes in two varieties, salted and unsalted, just like nuclear power.

8) Although, unsalted nuclear power does seem to predominate.

9) But you could sprinkle salt on an enriched uranium rod if you so wanted.

10) Please put on a radioactive-proof suit before trying the previous tidbit.

11) During the Middle Ages, witches were able to transform themselves into insects to steal butter.

12) Witches don’t like margarine or spreads.

13) This is why you don’t find many witches anymore.

14) So, if you see a witch on Halloween, please give her a stick of butter. Life’s been hard for her.

15) And maybe the witch will be so grateful for your kindness, she’ll give you a spell to use on your boss.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Chicken Noodle Soup

American Soup

CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP

INGREDIENTS

1 1/4 pounds chicken breasts
4 ounces carrots
3 celery stalks
1 medium yellow onion
4 garlic cloves
9 cups chicken broth, a bit more than 2 quarts
1/2 teaspoon basil
2 bay leaves
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
1/2 teaspoon coriander
1/2 teaspoon oregano
1/2 teaspoon tarragon
1 teaspoon thyme
1 1/2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoon olive oil
12 ounces egg noodles

PREPARATION

Cut chicken breasts into 1/2-inch cubes. Dice carrots. Devein, or remove long, silky strings from outside of celery stalks by breaking stalk in half and pulling apart. Dice celery and onion. Mince garlic cloves. (Whole garlic cloves rarely fare well in recipes.)

Pour chicken broth into large soup pan. Add chicken cubes, basil, bay leaves, pepper, poultry spice, coriander, oregano, tarragon, and thyme. Cook at medium high for 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, back at the saucepan, melt butter at medium heat. Don’t turn your back at this step; butter melts fast. Add olive oil and the diced, minced, and otherwise dazed and defeated veggies mentioned above. Cook and stir at medium heat for 5 to 7 minutes or until vegetables are soft.

Add these sauteed vegetables to the soup pan. Keep cooking the soup at medium-high heat for another 5 to 7 minutes. Add noodles to soup and cook according to instructions on noodles’ package or for about 8 minutes more.

Chicken-noodle soup is good for your health, goes well with biscuits and has been an American favorite for years; even before the Cubs’ last World Series win.

TIDBITS

1) Oregano looks a lot like marijuana, but it cannot get you high or cure glaucoma.

2) As of yet, there are no medical-oregano stores, not even in the most progressive states.

3) Another food that both starts and ends with an “o” is the mighty OreoTM cookie. Most nutritionists hold that this delicacy is not the healthiest of foods.

4) The OreoTM is, however, one of the tastiest morsels on this Earth.

5) As long as you don’t spice it with oregano.

6) Or even garlic.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Poway, Vacation Getaway – A Loving Poem

Poway, Vacation Getaway

Oh Poway! Oh Poway!
You’re such a vacation wowie.
You beat the pants off Maui.
With Your Lake Poway.

Paris just can’t compare
With our Old Poway Fare
Not even on a dare
Would I go over there.

Italy with its many grand plazas
Or Sinai with its teeming Gaza
Can’t beat Taco Bell’s enchilada.
For me, I’ll have Poway or nada.

Why go to Nice with its weather fair
Or to Moscow for a Russian bear?
Come to Poway, mon frère.
Enjoy our constant street repair

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Chicken Strips

American Entree

CHICKEN STRIPS

INGREDIENTS

2 pounds chicken breasts
1 big garlic clove
1 cup flour
4 eggs
2 cups bread crumbs
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon lemon-pepper
1/2 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon tarragon
1/2 cup peanut oil
1/2 cup sesame oil

PREPARATION

Cut chicken into 1-inch wide strips. This will be easier when the chicken is already partially thawed. Mince garlic clove.

Get three mixing bowls. Put flour in first bowl. Beat 4 eggs in second bowl. Put bread crumbs in large, third bowl. (You can make bread crumbs by putting toasted bread or old, dried bread in a food processor and mincing it.) Add minced garlic, cayenne, coriander, lemon-pepper, white pepper, salt, and tarragon.

First, roll a chicken strip in flour until all sides are covered. Second, submerge the strip in the egg bowl. Third and last, roll the chicken in the bread crumbs until it is completely covered with bread. Repeat these three steps for all chicken strips. The order for this procedure is particularly important.

Put peanut oil and sesame oil in electric skillet. Heat at 350 degrees. Drop the coated chicken strips in the oil. (Be sure to keep the skillet’s lid between you and the skillet as hot oil might splatter out toward you when you drop the chicken into the skillet.) Cook for 4 minutes, or until golden brown, and turn all strips. Cook for another 4 minutes until the same wondrous color shows up on all of them.

Put paper towels, or napkins, on plate. Put strips on towel. This dish is even tastier with the honey-mustard sauce recipe listed in the next recipe. (A culinary cliffhanger!)

TIDBITS

1) Time to reveal a secret. No one will believe you’re a serious cook unless you say the words, “golden brown,” every five minutes.

2) In the same five minutes, a rocket achieving escape velocity will have soared 2,100 miles.

3) That rocket will fall apart as stage after stage separates and plummets to the Earth.

4) You, however, will not fall to pieces by saying, “Golden Brown.”

5) The famed country singer Patsy Cline fell to pieces whenever you walked by.

6) Country music usually mentions: infidelity, beer, and trucks, but never chicken dipped in honey-mustard sauce.

7) Time to expand the genre.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Time Machine, A Poem

Time Machine

Oh time machine!
Oh time machine!
When did you go?
I need you so.

I washed my clothes three days ago.
Then I forgot them so.
Now I must rewash them-o.
What a pain. Oh no!.

But with my time machine
I could go back two days
And put them in the dryer, eh?
And save the extra washing.

Bad time-machine use? Not at all.
Washing uses up all my Tide.
To get more detergent I shall
Find your house and break inside..

Sorry.

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Shredded-Chicken Burrito

Mexican Entree

SHREDDED-CHICKEN BURRITOS

INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 pounds chicken breast
1 medium onion
1 14.5 can diced tomatoes
1/2 cup salsa
1 teaspoon cumin
1/4 teaspoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon Poultry MagicTM spice
1 7 ounce can diced green chiles
1 16 ounce can refried beans
1/2 cup mayonnaise or sour cream
1 cup grated four Mexican cheeses
8 flour tortillas (bigger tortillas make bigger burritos)

PREPARATION

Defrost chicken by leaving it out on the stove for hours. Mince chicken in food processor. Mince onion. Mix chicken, onion, tomatoes, salsa, cumin, chili, poultry spice, and green chiles. Cook on medium-to-high heat until chicken is done. Add green chiles, refried beans, mayonnaise or sour cream, and grate cheese and cook until beans are hot. The mayonnaise or sour cream makes the refried beans much smoother. Milk has the same effect. (Now you know. Your world has just gotten sunnier and so will all the people you will meet in the next twenty-four hours.)

Heat the tortillas in the microwave for 20-30 seconds. This makes them warm and much easier to roll and fold without breaking. To make the burrito, put 2-3 tablespoons of the above chicken mixture 1/3 of the way down the tortilla. Fold the top of the tortilla over the mixture. Fold in the sides of the tortilla as far as you can. They must cover the mixture. While keeping the sides folded in, roll the tortilla as far as you can. You are now a burrito whiz. Olé.

TIDBITS

1) “Ito” at the end of Spanish words means the particular thing is “little.” So, “burrito” means little “burro.”

2) Judge Ito presided over the O.J. Simpson murder trial.

3) I have a friend who lives near the house where the murder took place. The place looks nice.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lego Pieces, A Poem

Lego Pieces

My sons love Lego pieces
And I love my sons so.
And I love my nieces,
But I don’t love Lego.

Lego pieces, built to last.
They withstand such forces vast..
Quietly, they take our many blows.
But they hurt my shoeless toes.

They multiply. O how they multiply.
Are those more pieces that I spy?
I’ve sucked up millions with my vacuum.
Yet there are millions more, hence my gloom..

We could repave our streets you know
Coast to coast with crushed Lego.
They’d outlast our asphalt roads
Our kids would build them a la mode.

I can rhyme no more.
My foot hurts.
I’ve just stepped on a Lego.

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Berbere Burgers

Moroccan Entree

BERBERE BURGERS

INGREDIENTS

1 medium yellow onion
1 tablespoon Berbere spices (See recipe for BERBERE SPICE MIX INGREDIENTS, if you can’t find the mix)
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 tablespoon ground coriander
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1 tablespoon parsley flakes
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1 1/2 pounds ground beef
8 buns or 16 multi-grain bread slices
1/2 head lettuce
1 cup grated Mozzarella cheese
no-stick spray

UTENSILS

Electric skillet
Spice grinder (If needed to make your own Berbere spice mix.)

PREPARATION

Peel and dice onion. Put Berbere spices, cayenne pepper, cinnamon, coriander, ginger, parsley, pepper, salt, and ground beef in mixing bowl. Pretend you’re making the mortar for the mighty Egyptian pyramids as you mix everything together with your hands. (Edible pyramids. What a concept.) Make 8 hamburger patties.

Use non-stick spray on skillet. Put 4 patties in pan. Heat patties at 350 degrees in skillet for 2 to 3 minutes. Flip patties over and cook for another 2 to 3 minutes. Don’t squash the patties with your spatula. This forces the juices out of the patties. (I also don’t recommend flattening oranges with your spatula for a similar if not more spectacular reason.) Patties should have no pink remaining. Repeat to make 8 patties.

Toast buns. While buns are toasting, tear lettuce into bun-size pieces by hand.

Put a patty on each bun bottom. Top with lettuce and cheese. Put bun top and, violà, you have a burger so tasty you’ll want to conquer all of North Africa just to bring this dish’s culinary greatness to all its peoples.

TIDBITS

1) Most world conquerors, such as Napoleon, Cortes, Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, and Julius Caesar didn’t bring much culinary enlightenment to their defeated nations.

2) Pretty much just death by the thousands and enslavement.

3) What would it have hurt them to give their newly enslaved peoples a wondrous culinary novelty in compensation?

4) Oh sure, there are such things as Napoleons and Caesar salad.

5) But those military geniuses didn’t come up with them.

6) The Caesar salad was invented last century at Caesar’s hotel in Tijuana Mexico.

7) Indeed, it is also verifiable that Julius Caesar and all of the Julian-Claudian Emperors had nothing to do with the comedic brilliance of Sid Caesar.

8) Frederick the Great did encourage potato production in his Kingdom of Prussia, the precursor to modern Germany. The mighty tuber enabled Prussia to feed all its people even though its lands were repeatedly invaded by its enemies.

9) To this day, one may still buy French Fries in Germany.

10) Well done, Frederick.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Peruvian Hamburger

Peruvian Entree

PERUVIAN HAMBURGER

INGREDIENTS

AJI AMARILLO SAUCE

1 tablespoon butter
2 green onions
1 tablespoon aji amarillo pepper
1 tablespoon peanut oil
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup sour cream
1 tablespoon ketchup
1 tablespoon lime juice
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice

PATTY

3 garlic cloves
2 tablespoons onion
1 aji panca pepper
1 tablespoon peanut oil
1 tablespoon butter
2 teaspoons parsley flakes
1 1/2 pounds ground beef

6 lettuce leaves
6 hamburger buns

PREPARATION OF AJI AMARILLO SAUCE

Dice green onions. Melt butter in medium saucepan. Add green onions, aji amarillo pepper, and peanut oil. Saute at medium-high heat for about 2 minutes or until all ingredients are well blended. Stir constantly.

Put above sauteed mixture in mixing bowl. Add mayonnaise, sour cream, ketchup, lime juice, sea salt, black pepper, and meat spice. Whisk together.

PREPARATION OF PATTY

Mince garlic, onion, and aji panca pepper. (Keep your aji panca pepper and your aji amarillo pepper in TupperwareTM. Moths love aji peppers. Who knew they were such gourmands?) Melt butter in pan. Add peanut oil and butter. Saute at medium-high for 2 to 3 minutes or until onion softens. Stir constantly.

Combine sauteed aji-panca-pepper mixture in mixing bowl with ground beef, garlic, onion, and parsley flakes. Makes 6 patties.

Cook the patties until no pink color remains. Toast 6 buns. Coat the buns with the aji amarillo sauce. Add a lettuce leaf and patty and assemble the hamburger.

This is great. It is also spicy. Beverages such as milk go well with spicy foods. The milk coats the pain receptors in your mouth.

(This is important information if, for example, you’re in a restaurant in St. Louis with friends of yours from the Department of Economics from the University of Wisconsin and you’re dared to eat a truly spicy pepper.)

TIDBITS

1) Peru has a hamburger chain called Bembos.

2) If I ever get to Peru, I’m going to eat there. After that, I’m going to visit the ancient Incan ruins at Machu Picchu. Did you know there’s a McDonald’s there?

3) Pizarro and his Spanish conquistadors conquered the Incans of Peru in the 1520s.

4) Ancient Peru gave Europe and America the potato. Western Civilization gave Peru the hamburger.

5) Together these two great foods make up that wondrous meal burger and fries.

6) Without Peru and the Incans we could never say, “Would you like fries with that?”

7) So in a way, the Spanish arrival in Peru was a good thing.

8) At least on a culinary level.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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