Posts Tagged With: army

Sad Sack in “Raw Material”

Posted on January 29, 2023 by pauldelancey

Sad Sack comic books were my favorite when I was growing up. I would spend my allowance on them. I also got some when I was sick for a few days, which, alas, was all too frequent. But these comics always made me smile. This Sad Sack comic book is probably from around 1966.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: favorite | Tags: apocalyptic, army, Chef Paul, Comic Chef, comics book, cookbook, good food, hunks, Lutheran, murders, Paul De Lancey, recipes, Sad Sack, Sad Sack comic, Sarge | Leave a comment

Pączki (Polish Doughnuts)

Posted on October 26, 2021 by pauldelancey

Polish Dessert

PĄCZKI
(Doughnuts)

INGREDIENTS

1½ tablespoons yeast
1 cup milk, warm
1½ tablespoons water, warm
⅓ cup butter, softened
1 teaspoon rum extract or 1 tablespoon brandy (optional)
1 teaspoon salt
½ cup sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
6 eggs
6 cups flour (2 more tablespoons later)
2 tablespoons flour
1 quart lard or vegetable oil
½ cup confectioners’ sugar
½ cup of your favorite jam or jelly

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric beater (with dough hook, if you have it)
sonic obliterator

Makes 20 doughnuts. Takes 3 hours 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add yeast, milk, and water to large mixing bowl. Stir with whisk until yeast dissolves. Add butter. rum extract, salt, sugar. and vanilla. Stir with whisk until sugar dissolves. Add eggs. Mix with electric beater on medium setting until well blended and mixture thickens. Add 6 cups flour gradually and blend with electric beater set on low. (Use beater’s dough hook if you have one.) Mix until dough is smooth and will not stick to your hands. Cover and let rise for 1 hour or until dough doubles in size.

Dust flat surface with 2 tablespoons flour. Roll out dough until it is ¾” thick. Cut dough into 3″ wide circles. (A cookie cutter and upside-down glass work well here.) Let rise for 1 hour on until dough circles double in size.

Add lard to large pan. Heat lard using medium-high heat until a tiny bit of dough dances in the lard. Carefully add as many dough circles as possible without having them touch each other. Fry for 1-to-2 minutes or until the bottom of the dough circles turn golden brown. (Please monitor to prevent burning.) Carefully flip dough circles. Fry for another 1-to-2 minutes or until the second side turns golden brown as well. Remove and place on towel-covered plate. Repeat for the following batches. (Please note that frying times tend to go down with successive batches.)

Let doughnuts cool until they can be handled. Add confectioners’ sugar to mixing bowl. Add doughnut. Turn doughnut until covered with confectioners’ sugar. Use sharp knife to cut a 2″ slit in the middle of a doughnut’s side. Use spoon to insert ½ tablespoon jam into doughnut. Use sonic obliterator on anyone who gives you guff in any way. I mean, geezo flip, you’ve been working with hot grease to make them a super yummy dessert. And no jury would ever convict you.

TIDBITS

1) German bombers attacked London during The First World War, 1914-1918, and World War Two, 1939 -1945.

2) The British, understandably, didn’t like this at all, no not one bit. But what to do? Until the advent of the British radar defense system, the RAC, and later the RAF, found it nearly impossible to find and intercept the German bombers. So, the bombing continued unmolested.

3) Then, on May 19th, 1915, Polish immigrant and master baker, Jan Kowalski, made 20,000 pączki (using this very recipe according to culinary historians) to celebrate the wedding of Antoni Adami and Maja Bartosz.

4) Unfortunately, just before the wedding the father of Antoni told a “Your Mama” joke to the Maja’s mom. It was now well received. Maja’s mom told her husband. Words were said. A few fist fights broke out. The Bartoszes cancelled the wedding. Jan the baker didn’t get paid.

5) Jan’s friend, Bazyli Blaszak, owner of Blaszak’s Catapults was also at the wedding. “I know you feel. I have 500 catapults doing nothing. The British army put in a big order for catapults, but at the last moment they decided to go for75 millimeter artillery pieces instead. Wanted to modernize their army, they said.” He spat. “Dranie.”

6) “Well pierdolić,” said Jan. “We might as well use your catapults to fling my pączki as high as they can go into the sky.” So, the two friends flung up one paçzek after another into the heavens.

7) As contrived luck would have it, a squadron of German Gothas dropped by that very moment to bomb London. The squadron cleared the barrage balloons designed to keep Hun bombers away.

8) But they did not pass through Jan’s and Bazyli’s Polish Doughnut barrage unscathed. Pączek after pączek went through the bombers’ wings, shredding them completely. 31 bombers fell from the skies.

9) The British Army noted the failure of the barrage balloons and invested in anti-aircraft guns, a beefed up fighter force, and 500 polish catapults because hey, they worked.

10) The German air force also took note. All future planes would be designed to fly higher than any catapulted doughnut could achieve. Once the spirit of innovation spread through the Luftwaffe, it never really stopped. Their air planes got better and better. And in May, 1940 the German aircraft played a vital role in overrunning France. Aerial combat had gotten real. So next time, make sure you pay your doughnut caterers.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: apocalyptic, army, barrage balloons, bomb, bombers, British, catapults, caterers, Comic Chef, cookbook, dessert, doughnuts, France, German, good food, Gotha, historians, hunks, immigrant, London, Luftwaffe, Lutheran, paçzek, Paul De Lancey, Polish, pączki, RAC, RAF, recipes, thriller, wedding | Leave a comment

Sauna Eggs

Posted on October 12, 2021 by pauldelancey

Korean Appetizer

SAUNA EGGS

INGREDIENTS

8 eggs
enough water to cover eggs.
½ tablespoon salt
ice

SPECIAL UTENSIL

instant pot or sauna

Serves 4. Takes 2 hours to bring to room temperature and 1 hour 45 minutes to cook.

PREPARATION – INSTANT POT

Let eggs sit at room temperature for 2 hours. (This will help keep them from cracking.) Carefully add eggs to instant pot. Add enough water to cover eggs. Add salt. Secure lid on instant pot and set valve to “airtight” or “sealing.” (Exciting things can happen if you don’t.) Press “time adjust” or “manual” button. Set timer to 1 hour 30 minutes, or 90 minutes.

Fill large bowl with ice and water. When instant pot has stopped cooking, set valve to release steam. (Oh gosh, this is important.). Slowly release lid. Use slotted spoon to remove eggs and transfer them to large bowl. Allow eggs to cool in ice water for 10 minutes or until they are cool enough to peel. Peel eggs.

These eggs have a nutty taste.

PREPARATION – SAUNA

Put eggs on benches in sauna. Let eggs cook for 7 hours at 200 degrees Fahrenheit. Let eggs cool in ice water and peel in ice water. All this is a wild guess. I don’t have a sauna. I don’t know anyone who has a sauna who’d let me cook eggs in it for 7 seven hours. I do know that eggs already cooked in a sauna or in an instant pot are quite an appreciated appetizer for Korean sauna goers.

TIDBITS

1) South Korean chickens lay their eggs in saunas. Not for seven hours of course, that would turn their would-be offspring into Sauna Eggs. No they just lay their eggs on the sauna floor and then roll them outside. The short time in the sauna is enough to toughen the chickens to be for the rest of their lives. And, oh my gosh, the mama hens, laying eggs time after time in the sauna, become super tough and resilient. So much so that the South Korean army positions an entire division of sauna hens along the armistice line with North Korea. No army in the world has trained enough to fight sauna chickens and no soldier is brave enough to attack them.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: appetizer, army, cookbook, eggs, good food, hens, Korean, Lutheran, North, Paul De Lancey, recipes, sauna eggs, saunas, soldier, South, thriller | Leave a comment

Dishwashers: Annoyances in Disguise or the Tools of the Apocalypse?

Posted on October 3, 2015 by pauldelancey

My dishwasher does not properly clean things, particularly glasses with indentations. Oh sure, if I give the dishes a quick rinse beforehand, the dishwasher does tolerably well. If I give the dishes a pre-scrub, the dishwasher does even better. In this case, I can take the washed dishes from the water waster with only a mild post washing scrub. However, if I want the water waster to make my dishes sparkle, all I have to do is wash them completely by hand. So why do we have dishwashers if they make us do all the scrubbing anyway? And, who the heck, likes to put back those dozens of forks, knives, and spoons back in their drawer?

The benign answer is that it’s an alliance between psychiatrists and those people wishing to build desalination plants. Psychiatrists make money if we have emotional problems. If our dishwashers worked the way they should we’d never be upset. But these appliances don’t and so psychiatrists have a steady, lucrative income. (The only other problem that deranges people to the extent that dishwashers do is going to the store for chocolate doughnuts and not finding them. Fortunately, that hasn’t happened since the Chocolate Doughnut riots of Poway, CA in 1949.)

Face it, dishwashers aren’t meant to clean dishes. They are meant to waste water. When water gets wasted we run out of water. When we run out of water we have to build desalination plants. The builders of these plants make billions. So there you have it. The dishwashers just annoy us.

Or do they?

Nations that run out of water, can only survive if they steal water from neighboring countries. To successfully invade someone, you need a strong army. To successfully defend your country, you need a stronger army. To successfully invade a country with a stronger army you again need to beef up your military. A global arms race, both conventional and nuclear, will occur. Inevitably, some one with his finger on the button to launch the nuclear weapons will sneeze. The missiles will take to the sky. The targeted countries will retaliate and soon other nations will join in the fuss. Our world will be annihilated in the Dishwasher Apocalypse.

Bummer.

– Paul R. De Lancey, mystic seer

Categories: humor | Tags: apocalypse, apocalyptic, arms race, army, chocolate, De Lancey, desalination, dishwasher, dishwashers, doughnut, HumorOutcasts, hunks, Lutheran, mushrooms, nuclear, Paul, Poway, psyhciatrists, thriller, water | 2 Comments

Danish Meatballs in Curry (boller i karry)

Posted on March 23, 2014 by pauldelancey

Danish Entree

MEATBALLS IN CURRY
(boller i karry)

INGREDIENTS – MEATBALLS

4 garlic cloves
2 small onions
½ pound ground beef
½ pound ground pork
1 cup bread crumbs
1 egg
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
5 cups beef stock

INGREDIENTS – CURRY SAUCE

2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons curry powder
1 leek
1 medium onion
4 tablespoons flour
3/4 cup cream
1 teaspoon chives
1 teaspoon parsley

Serves 6, particularly if everyone eats 1/6th of this.

PREPARATION – MEATBALLS

Mince garlic cloves and 2 small onions. Mix ground beef, ground pork, bread crumbs, garlic, onion, egg, pepper, and salt with hands in mixing bowl. Make 1″ meatballs.

Add beef stock to large pot. Bring beef stock to boil on high heat. Carefully add meatballs to pot. Reduce heat to low and simmer for about 20 minutes or until meatballs begin to float. Remove meatballs from pot and set aside. Save the beef broth in pot.

PREPARATION – CURRY SAUCE

While meatballs simmer, dice leek, and medium onion. Add butter, curry powder, leek, and diced medium onion. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until diced medium onion softens. Stir frequently. Add flour. Mix well with spoon. Gradually mix in 2 1/2 cups of broth taken from pot or until sauce thickens. Add cream and meatballs. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. Sprinkle chives and parsley on top. This dish goes well over rice.

TIDBITS

1) The meatball is really a smaller version of meatloaf. Some people have meatballs as a topping for their pizzas.

2) Wouldn’t a meatloaf pizza be exciting? Imagine getting a 16″ pizza topped with three 9″ by 6″ meatloaves. It would feed an army.

3) The Roman Empire is known for its all conquering armies. It’s less known for its culinary achievements. That’s a shame as Rome is the birthplace of the meatball. Rome rocks.

4) Okay, ancient Rome didn’t rock for everyone, the slaves, for example, come to mind as do the people of the many conquered nations.

5) One might wonder how the Roman Empire kept all its conquered peoples from continually revolting. After all, the legions marched everywhere and took longer than waiting in lines at Disneyland to get from their barracks to disaffected regions.

6) The answer is in the massive stockpiles of meatballs kept at all the crossroads of the Empire. As long as the Roman authorities could rush meatballs to its conquered peoples, no riot ever grew so large the slowly arriving legionnaires couldn’t handle it.

7) Rome almost fell to barbarians, in the third century A.D., when they lost the province of Dacia with its rich cattle lands. Fewer cattle, fewer meatballs. Fewer meatballs, more riots. More riots not stopped with meatballs, more revolts. And that meant legions got withdrawn from the frontiers to put the revolts. Barbarians poured across the sparsely defended border.

8) It really appeared as Rome was going to fall. Fortunately the cattlemen of Dacia organized cattle drives to still safe provinces such as Cisalpine Gaul and Thracia. “Head ‘em up, move ‘em out.” Meatball production bounced back within a few decades and the Empire recovered.

9) In 405, however, the health sage, Atticus Bananicus, convinced the legionnaires to go vegetarian. As a result, many of Rome’s cattlemen switched to raising free-range chickens.

10) But in 406, Bananicus was seen by legionnaires eating a meatball pizza. The dormant meatball tastes of the Roman soldiers came out of hibernation. All at once, every soldier demanded meatballs. But there were no longer enough meatballs for the army and the peoples of Rome. The army garnered all the meatballs, leaving none for the restive populace. Unquenchable revolts erupted everywhere. The entire Roman army abandoned the frontier, getting decimated putting down the ferocious uprisings.

12) Alaric and the Visigoths–that sounds like a 60s rock band doesn’t it?–sacked Rome in 410 A.D.. The Roman Empire never rebounded from this disaster and soon collapsed. Always keep meatballs in your refrigerator. It’s frightening to contemplate what would happen if our supermarkets ran out of that peace-ensuring food.

13) Food connoisseurs are invited to read book II of Marcus Gavius Apicus’ “De re coquinaria libri decem (Cuisine in Ten Books)” to see the world’s first recipe for meatballs. And feel at peace.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: Alaric, army, barbarbians, boller i karry, cattle, Cisalpine Gaul, connoisseurs, curry, Dacia, Danish, Empire, entree, food, leek, legionnaires, legions, meatball, meatloaf, pizza, pork, province, Roman, Roman empire, slaves, Thracia, Visigoths | Leave a comment

Macaroni and Cheese

Posted on March 1, 2014 by pauldelancey

American Entree

MACARONI AND CHEESE

INGREDIENTS

1 pound elbow macaroni
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup flour
4 cups milk
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
8 ounces shredded cheddar cheese
8 ounces shredded American cheese

SPECIAL UTENSIL

3-quart casserole dish

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 360 degrees. Cook macaroni according to directions on package. While macaroni is cooking, melt butter in pan using medium heat. Add flour, milk, pepper, and salt.. Cook over medium heat for about 10 minutes or until mixture thickens and bubbles. Stir frequently to keep milk from burning. Remove pan from heat.

Transfer mixture to casserole dish. Add cheddar cheese, American cheese, and elbow macaroni. Stir. Put casserole dish in oven. Bake uncovered at 360 degrees for 30 minutes or until bubbly.

This dish is simple and wonderful. You will feel at peace with the universe. You won’t even mind calling your insurance company after dining on this.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe uses elbow macaroni. Americans use their elbows to eat macaroni and cheese. This dish also has American cheese, the primary ingredient in nacho cheese sauce.

3) A big virtue of American cheese is its low melting point. Be careful, though, of making nacho cheese sauce atop Mount Everest. The boiling point of American cheese is much lower there than at sea level. So it’s not that hard to let your American cheese start boiling if you’re not paying attention; say if you’re taking a group photo to celebrate your success in climbing the world’s tallest mountain.

4) Then when someone takes the lid off the pot, everyone gets splattered with molten nacho cheese sauce. People yell out in pain. The loud noise causes an avalanche. People panic. People jump in crevasses. The Nepalese army gets called in. It takes them hours to retrieve everyone. The Nepalese government protests to your government. The world inches closer to war. Cooler heads eventually prevail, but it is a near thing. So, always employ culinary caution wherever you go.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine | Tags: American, army, avalanche, boliing point, chedda, cheese, entree, flour, macaroni, macaroni and cheese, Mount Everest, nacho, nacho cheese sauce, Nepalese, war | Leave a comment

Zapiekanka, Polish Sandwich

Posted on November 17, 2013 by pauldelancey

Polish Entree

ZAPIEKANKA

INGREDIENTS

1 baguette
1/3 onion
1 red bell pepper
1 tablespoon butter
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 pound sliced ham or deli-meat of choice
1 cup grated cheese of choice
1/4 cup ketchup
1/4 cup mayonnaise
no-stick spray

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Cut baguette in half and slice each half open. Cut onion and red bell pepper into thin slices. Add onion, bell pepper, turmeric, pepper, and butter to frying pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion is soft.

Add onion/bell pepper mixture, ham to baguette pieces. Top pieces with grated cheese. Spray baking tray with no-stick spray. Put tray in oven. Bake at 325 degrees for 5 minutes or until bread is crispy and cheese is melted. Remove tray from oven. Squirt, or spread, ketchup and mayonnaise over each piece.

TIDBITS

1) In 1857, native Indian soldiers, sepoys, in the British army believed the new gunpowder cartridges were greased with cow fat and pig fat. This grease insulted the religious beliefs of the Hindu and Muslim soldiers who had to bite the cartridges before using them. This mistake in greasing by the British sparked a major native rebellion.

2) The rebellion resulted in the deaths of thousands of people, embittered the Indians toward the British, and greatly widened the rift between Hindus and Muslims. This gulf persisted resulting in the bloody religious riots of 1947 and three wars between India and Pakistan. Today, these two countries have nuclear weapons pointed at each other.

3) If only Britain had greased its cartridges with olive oil. Today, we also have vegetable oil. A fragile peace prevails over the world.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: 1857, army, baguette, British, cartridges, deli-meat, entree, greased, ham, Hindu, India, Indian, ketchup, Muslim, nuclear weapons, Pakistan, peace, Polish, sandwich, turmeric, zapiekanka | Leave a comment

Posts Tagged With: army

Sad Sack in “Raw Material”