Posts Tagged With: good food

Rizogalo (Rice Pudding)

Greek Dessert

RIZOGALO
(Rice Pudding)

INGREDIENTS

¼ cup butter
4½ cups whole milk
½ cup short-grain white rice
½ cup sugar
1 egg yolk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 teaspoon corn flour
¼ teaspoon cinnamon.

Makes 4 cups. Takes 3 hours.

PREPARATION

Add butter, milk, rice, and sugar to large pot. Bring to boil, stirring frequently. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 45 minutes or until rice is soft. Remove from heat. Whisk egg yolk in small bowl. Add egg yolk, vanilla extract. and corn flour. Mix with whisk until well blended. Ladle rice pudding into cups. Let cool at room temperature for 15 minutes, then in refrigerator for another 45 minutes. Sprinkle with cinnamon.

TIDBITS

1) There is quite a bit of stirring in this recipe. Doesn’t that all that stirring get tiring? Yes, it does. Which is why the Greek Aeronautics and Space Agency (GASA) has developed an autonomous robot designed for voyages to the asteroid belt.

2) Greek astronauts can’t afford to take their eyes off their rocket’s window for even one minute as asteroids and space rocks could crack their window. Whoosh! The astronauts would be sucked out by the vacuum of space. That would be horrible. So, you can see why GASA puts a rizogalo-making robot (RMR) on all missions.

3) RMRs are expensive. It needs enough artificial intelligence (AI) to make rizogalo without human aid. I also needs to cook in zero-gravity. Have you ever tried preparing rizogalo in outer space? It isn’t easy. The last time a human tried this the International Space Station was closed while Greek cleaning women were shuttled in. Getting all those globules with mops proved frustrating. The women had be trained for six months. The clean up took seven months. The Greek government ran up such a debt paying for this that it had enormous difficulties meeting its international obligations. Massive infusions of cash from Germany and other governments saved off default. Even so, the Euro almost collapsed. This would have destroyed the world economy. No one would have had money to buy clothes and most food. We would have been running around naked and eating lutefisk! So again, you can see why RMRs are essential on lengthy space flights.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Raznici (Grilled Pork Skewers)

Croatian Entree

RAZNICI
(Grilled Pork Skewers)

INGREDIENTS

1¼ pounds pork loin
1 small onion
2 bell peppers (any color)
2 garlic cloves
6 tablespoons olive oil
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
½ tablespoon Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt

SPECIAL UTENSILS

outdoor grill
10 skewers

Makes 10. Takes 2 hours.

PREPARATION

Cut pork into 1″ cubes. Cut onion in half. Separate onion layers and cut them into 1″ squares. Seed bell pepper. Cut bell pepper into 1″ squares. Mince garlic cloves. Add all ingredients to large mixing bowl. Mix with hands until pork cubes are coated. Cover and marinate in refrigerator for 1 hour.

15 minutes before pork cubes have finished marinating, preheat grill to medium. Drain liquid from mixing bowl. Alternate putting pork cubes, onion squares, and bell-pepper squares on skewers. Repeat for each skewer. Place skewers on grill. Grill skewers for 7 minutes on both sides or until pork browns and is white inside . Goes well with salad or veggies.

TIDBITS

1) Long ago, armies fought each other by throwing rocks. The most clever cities fought back with paper, for as we all know paper covers rocks. Then Assyria overran all with its elite scissor forces. But in 605 the Medes conquered Assyria with old-school rocks. Rock, paper, scissors might be seem to be just an innocent children’s game today, but at one time it was a training exercise that all armies took seriously. The entire region remained in rock-paper-scissors (RPS) turmoil for centuries. But in 336 B.C., young Alexander the Great drew blood when he pricked his finger eating shish kabobs. The brilliant military innovator equipped his troops with shisk-kabob skewers. He soon lengthened these skewers into 12′ long spears. His infantry could impale its RPS enemies before they could get close enough to do any harm in return. Alexander’s technologically superior armies would go onto conquer Greece and Persia. The world would never be the same. Shish kabobs are everywhere.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Chicken Flautas

Mexican Entree

CHICKEN FLAUTAS

INGREDIENTS

4 chicken breasts
2 garlic cloves
1 small onion
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (4 cups more later)
¼ teaspoon cumin
¼ pound queso fresco or feta cheese
½ cup salsa
12 uncooked or freshly made corn tortillas*
4 cups vegetable oil (or at least ¾” deep)
2 tablespoon fresh cilantro

* = Cooked tortillas from the store will require softening in the skillet or microwave. Uncooked tortillas while harder to find will make preparation easier.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

toothpicks

Makes 12 flautas. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add chicken breasts and enough water to cover to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes. Remove chicken to plate. Shred chicken using forks.

While chicken simmers, mince garlic and dice onion. Add garlic, onion, and 2 tablespoons oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until garlic and onion soften. Stir frequently. Add shredded chicken and cumin. Stir until well blended. Remove from heat. Add equal amounts of the shredded chicken/onion mixture, queso fresco, and salsa to the middle of each tortilla. Roll up tortillas tightly and pin together with toothpicks.

Add oil to pan. Heat oil using medium-high heat until a tiny piece of the tortillas starts to dance in the oil. Add rolled-up tortillas to pan seem-side down. Sauté at medium-high heat for 4 minutes or until tortillas turn golden brown. Turn frequently, but carefully, to ensure even browning. You will most likely need to cook in batches. Remove from heat. Drain on plate covered with paper towel. Dice cilantro. Garnish with cilantro. Goes well with salsa.

TIDBITS

1) Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, “The Angler of Vienna,” was also a pretty darn talented musician, writing such toe-tapping operas such as, Il re pastore, Zaide, Die Entführung aus dem Serail, Le Nozze di Figaro, Don Giovanni, and Cossi fan tutte.”

2) By the way, Mozart’s agent, Paolo Fettucine, arranged for tutti frutti, a new ice cream with chopped and candied fruits in it to be served at Cossi fan tutte’s debut. It was a stroke of P.R. genius. Ice cream lovers came for the dessert and stayed for the opera. Wolfgang never looked back, except when on the way to his secret fishing places.

3) But it is in Mozie’s culinary operas where The Angler of Vienna’s talents really shined. Who can fail to be uplifted by his sole English work, The Three Penny Hot Dog? or feel the anguish of Gibt es wirklich keine Apfelkuchen? (Is There Really No Apple Pie?)

4) The years 1784 – 1787 were his happiest; he had great fishing spots to himself. These interludes of quietude were also the moments of his greatest musical creativity as witnessed by the Fish Cycle operas: Der Kabeljau auf dem Markt (The Cod at the Market), Limone Pesce Impanati (Lemon Breaded Fish), and of course, “The Angler of Vienna’s favorite, Il Mio Punto di Pesca (My Own Fishing Spot.)

5) It’s ironic that Mozart, a famous fan of German cuisine, would write his greatest opera about Mexican food. But who could not be inspired by the brilliant cuisine of Vienna’s famous restaurant, “Los Cinco Tacos?” Wolfang tried the restaurant’s chicken flautas and fell in love with them. He would stay up all night to compose the brilliant, brilliant I say, opera, Las Flautas Mágicas (The Magic Flautas.) Unfortunately, the politics of that year dictated that no operas be performed in Spanish. (Do try to see it if it’s being performed nearby.) Broken hearted that he was, Mozart rewrote his opus. And so we have the not too shabby Die Zauberflöte (The Magic Flute.) But Mozart would never again write about Mexican food.

6) Then on December 5, 1791, Mozart’s muse, Ernestine, imparted to him the idea of writing the opera Stoßen der magische Kugelfisch, (Puff the Magic Pufferfish.) So strong was Mozie’s excitement over what he knew what would be his magnum opus that he grabbed his fishing pole and raced to Danube River. He continually glanced over his shoulders to see if anyone were following, for all the local anglers would descend on him en masse and fish and fish out his little side pond. It was heartbreaking. Mozart had to scrap one seafood opera after another because he couldn’t bring in enough fish to give a true, abiding sense of its flavor and abiding soul. On one occasion, competitors once fished all the trout from his special inlet. This is why we never got to hear his Guten Morgen, Forelle (Good Morning, Trout) and had to settle for the markedly Don Giovanni.

7) Anyway, Mozie eluded all anglers that day and caught six pufferfish. (1791 was an extraordinarily bountiful year for Viennese pufferfish.) Wolfie scurried home as fast as his chubby little legs would carry him. He cooked all the fish. Unfortunately, he died. For while his wiener schnitzel was second to none, he didn’t know how beans about preparing the potentially fatal pufferfish. His last words were, “Gott im Himmel, where are my car keys?” There were, of course, no cars in 1791 and so need for car keys. Culinary historians Mozart had channeling the frustration of millions upon millions of people two centuries later.

9) But Wolfgang’s musical vision for the pufferfish lasted through the centuries floating through the atmosphere until it found a suitable vessel, a worthy receptacle. This is how we got the classic song, “Puff the Magic Dragon” by Peter, Paul, and Mary. Sure the name and length of Stoßen der magische Kugelfisch changed a bit, but that magnum-opus had been floating around for centuries and became susceptible to modern musical scenes. And there you go.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, history, international, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cucumber Yogurt Salad (salatet zabady bil ajur)

Sudanese Appetizer

CUCUMBER YOGURT SALAD
(Salatet Zabady bil Ajur)

INGREDIENTS

2 cucumbers
2 garlic cloves
1¾ cups plain yogurt
¼ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt

Makes 6 bowls. Takes 1 hour 15 minutes

PREPARATION

Peel and dice cucumber. Mince garlic cloves. Add all ingredients to serving. Mix well with whisk. Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour.

TIDBITS

1) The modern-day submarine looks like a cucumber. Of course today’s subs, which can stay submerged for six months and carry enough nuclear missiles to reduce several cities to a glowing fog of atoms, are unarguably more destructive than even the most beserk cuke. The fact remains, however, that nuke rhyming with cuke is no accident.

2) The first military submarine, the Turtle (1775) was based on a turnip. It didn’t do much. Underwater, culinary warfare fell out of favor for twenty-french years. Fulton designed the Nautilus for the French in 1800. It never went to sea as the humidity of the vessel caused the crew’s bread to go moldy and war without fresh bread was unthinkable.

3) In 1864, the submarine, H.L. Hunley, of the Confederate Navy sank the North’s wooden warship, the Housatonic. This was the first successful sinking of a warship by a submarine. It was also the first successful sinking of a submarine as the Hunley was too close to its own exploding torpedo. Remarkably, no had imagined this occurrence. A month later, Rebel scientists hit upon the idea of simulating a submarine attack with cucumbers and matches. Unfortunately for the South, General Sherman had already begun his destructive march through Georgia. He had specific orders from President Lincoln himself to cripple Confederate submarine research by having his army destroy every cucumber it came across. Once the Union soldiers found how much fun came from fighting cucumbers than a grey coat who’d shoot back, they started uprooting and burning all crops. The South no longer had food to feed its armies. Surrender of all rebel forces followed soon.

4) But the Civil War was a near-run thing for the U.S.A. In 1866, Congress authorized the creation of the Cucumber Underseas Naval Department (CUND.) Over the years, research expanded to investigate undersea applications from all fruits and vegetables.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Paul’s Banana Strawberry Nut Bread

American Breakfast

PAUL’S BANANA STRAWBERRY NUT BREAD

INGREDIENTS

3 bananas (overripe ones are better)
5 ripe strawberries
½ cup pecans
½ cup butter (softened or melted)
½ cup raisins
2 eggs
½ cup sugar
2¾ teaspoons baking powder
¼ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
⅛ teaspoon salt
¾ teaspoon vanilla extract
2¼ cups flour
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSILS

spice grinder
electric beater
9″ x 5″ loaf pan

Makes 1 loaf. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Peel bananas. Put bananas and strawberrues in large mixing bowl. Mash or smoosh with potato masher or fork. Chop pecans or grind with spice grinder until all the pecan bits are quite small. Add butter, pecan bits, raisins, eggs, sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, and vanilla extract to mixing bowl. Blend with electric beater set on medium or “cake.” With electric beater running, gradually add all the flour. Blend until the batter is smooth. Spray loaf pan with no-stick spray. Pour batter into pan. Put pan in oven. Cook for 45 minutes or until a toothpick or fork inserted into the middle comes out clean. Let cool for 20 minutes. Turn loaf pan over onto a plate.

TIDBITS

1) This is a moist and tasty bread. However, it would surely harden like a brick if left out under a hot, summer Sun and forgotten. Indeed, the Great Wall of China, built to keep out northern invaders, was constructed with banana-strawberry-bread bricks. These ingredients arrived via caravan along the great Banana Strawberry Road, stretching from Bananistan to Peking. The fruit bricks of Great Wall did their job until the advent of the Mongols, fierce fruit lovers who ate their way through. No country has a built a culinary wall ever since.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Banana Meatloaf

Bermudan Entree

BANANA MEATLOAF

INGREDIENTS

½ cup bread crumbs
2 eggs
1 banana
1 small onion
1 pound ground beef
1 teaspoon ground mustard
¼ teaspoon paprika
⅛ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons ketchup
6 strips bacon (3 on bottom and 3 on top)

SPECIAL UTENSILS

9″-x-5″ loaf pan
x-ray goggles

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Add bread crumbs and eggs to large mixing bowl. Mix with fork until well blended. Mash banana with fork. Mince onion. Add banana, onion, and all remaining ingredients except bacon to mixing bowl. Mix with hands until well blended. Place 3 bacon strips in loaf pan. Add banana/meat mix. Smooth with fork or spatula. Place 3 bacon strips on top. Bake at 350 degrees for 50 minutes or until meatloaf is no longer pink in center. (This is easier to ascertain if you have x-ray goggles. Alternatively, lift up a tiny bit of the meatloaf with a fork and peek.)

TIDBITS

1) Again, this recipe is much easier with x-ray goggles. However, such goggles are expensive. Have you tried to buy one? I mean when you check out at WalMartTM and the checker asks you, “Did you find everything you need?” and you respond with, “No, I couldn’t find the x-ray goggles,” people will look at you askance. So you drive home sad, with your head between your knees. Wait, don’t drive like that! Not safe. Develop super-hero powers instead.

2) Here’s a list of super powers that would make preparing meatloaf a snap:
A) Flying: easier and less stressful than driving to the store for ingredients. (Like SupermanTM.)
B) X-ray vision: to see inside the loaf. (Again like Superman.)
C) Heat-impervious hands: oven mitts can never be found when you need them. (Like ???)
D) Super speed: Super fast hands blend the ingredients in no time. (like FlashTM.)
Is there a comic-book hero with all those powers? If not, create one and make big bucks.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Lahmajoon (Armenian Pizza)

Armenian Entree

LAHMAJOON
(Armenian Pizza)

INGREDIENTSlahmajoon

1 green bell pepper
1 garlic clove
1 medium onion
2 Roma tomatoes
1 pound ground lamb, beef, or combination
6 ounces tomato paste
¼ teaspoon cayenne
½ teaspoon cumin
¾ teaspoon mint
2 tablespoons parsley
⅛ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
8 6″-to-8″ flour tortillas
no-stick spray

Makes 8 small pizzas. Takes 40 minutes. In fine restaurants and art galleries everywhere.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

2 cookie sheets

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Seed bell pepper. Mince bell pepper, garlic, and onion. Dice tomatoes. Add all ingredients except tortillas to large mixing bowl. Mix ingredients by hand until well blended. Spread mix thinly over tortillas Spray cookie sheet with no-stick. Add tortillas to cookie sheet. Bake at 400 degrees for 12 minutes or until lamb and the edges of the tortillas turn brown. (Don’t let tortillas hang over the edge of the cookie sheet or the juice from the meat will drip and your stove will get icky.)

TIDBITS

1) On July 4, 1962, aspiring artist, John A. Lmao ran to the Ferus Gallery, boxed lahmajoon in one hand and his painting of Washington crossing the Delaware in the other.

2) As Lmao scurried through the gallery to hang his conventional, patriotic painting, he tripped over the foot of Andy Warhol. Lmao’s lahmajoon soared across the room and hung meat-sauce side out on the nail meant for his patriotic painting. The gallery’s crowd oohed and aahed over Lmao’s lahmajoon. What a bold statement about the commercialization of American culture. Right there and then, the American pop-art scene was born. The entranced Andy Warhol gave up his career as a commercial artist to purse this new genre, rather more successfully than Lmao in fact.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Brisket With Onions

American Entree

BRISKET WITH ONIONS

INGREDIENTSbeefbrisket

2 large onions
4 pounds beef brisket (first or flat cut with fat trimmed to ¼”)
4 garlic cloves
½ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
½ tablespoon thyme
2 cups beef broth
2 teaspoons parsley

Serves 8. Takes 7 hours.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

mandoline
slow cooker

PREPARATION

Cut onions into ¼” slices with mandoline or knife. Dice garlic cloves. Rub pepper, salt, and thyme onto brisket. Add onion slices, garlic, brisket, and beef broth to slow cooker. Cook and cook on high for 6 hours or until brisket is tender to the fork. Cut brisket against grain into 8 or 16 slices. Add brisket to bowls. Ladle liquid from slow cooker over brisket. Garnish with parsley.

TIDBITS

1) No one has ever found the buried treasure of Pierre le Fou, The Terror of the Caribbean.

2) Many historians and treasure hunters have combed dusty books found in nautical libraries. Ambitious souls have prowled bazaars, estate sales, and abandoned castles in search of le Fou’s maps. Still others have surfed the internet for clues before getting distracted by pictures of kittens and even hamster-powered model railroads.

3) However culinary historians believe that the path to Le Fou’s gold and pearls lies through the reading of recipes, this one in particular.

4) First of all, what about the title of this recipe, “Brisket with Onions?” I mean how likely was it that this dish was chosen out of thousands upon thousands of choices. Clearly, this recipe holds the clue to the French pirate’s loot. Indeed, the two nouns in the title, brisket and onions is an anagram for “Be No Skirt Ions.” If that isn’t pirate talk, then I don’t know what is. And “Be No Skirt Ions” clearly means gold. That’s proof you can deny. Now, all you have to do is decipher the hidden code in this recipe for the location of unimaginable wealth. Go for it!

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Theluli Mas (Spicy Fried Tuna)

Maldivian Entree

THELULI MAS
(Spicy Fried Tuna)

INGREDIENTSthelulimas

1 small onion
5 garlic cloves
4 curry leaves or 2 tablespoons curry powder
2½ teaspoons peppercorns
2 teaspoons red pepper flakes
½ teaspoon salt
1½ pounds tuna steaks
½ cup vegetable oil
1 lemon

Serves 4. Takes 1 hour.

PREPARATION

Add onion, garlic cloves, curry leaves, peppercorns, red pepper flakes, and salt to blender. Blend on medium until you get a smooth paste. Add tuna and smooth paste to large mixing bowl. Turn tuna steaks until they are well ll coated. Cover and marinate in refrigerator for 30 minutes.

Add oil. Heat oil on medium-high heat. It will hot enough when a pepper flake put in the oil starts to dance. Carefully add tuna steaks to pan. (Tilt pan away from you as you do so.) Sauté at medium-high heat for 3 minutes on each side or until steaks become crispy and turn golden brown.
Cut lemon into as many slices as there are tuna steaks. Add a lemon slice next to each steak.

TIDBITS

1) Tuna is an anagram for nut. Tuna love nuts, especially the macadamia nut. “Macadamia nut” is an anagram for “Dam’ manic nut..” Tuna who taste macadamia develop an instant addiction. Fortunately, macadamia nuts are rarely found in the ocean. But they are found in the waters where cruise ships travel. Unthinking passengers adore the tuna who, desperate for a fix, perform all sorts of acrobatic and aquatic tricks.

2) Then the cruise ships move on, leaving in their wake desperate, addicted schools of tuna. Some places there get vicious, particularly where the amphibious variety of tuna abounds. In Macadamia Grove, Australia, gangs of crazed tuna thrash through the town to stampede the macadamia groves. They eat every single nut they can find and if their fix isn’t satisfied, they come back to assault the stores. People flee in terror; there’s nothing more vicious than a strung-out tuna. The townsfolk shake their fists at the tuna. “Dam’ manic nuts.”

3) This sad event happens to Macadamia Grove repeatedly. Its people are planning to leave their childhood homes for good and become a tribe of wandering mimes. Please don’t let this happen. Obey the signs that read, “Don’t feed the dolphins.” Thank you.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Advice Friday, 2-17-17

aliceinwonderland

Today is Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad. Even moderately sane politicians will say, “No, no, don’t follow this advice.” I would advise you not to follow this, but I am giving bad advice today.

JA asks, “When a woman asks, ‘Does this outfit make me look fat?’, what is the best way to leave the country to avoid trouble?”

Dear JA: Tell the woman her sister will be taking you to airport and the two of you will be at a beach in Fiji until she’s ready to be reasonable. Before doing leaving the country, try to learn by asking the next dozen you  women meet if they’re fat. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the effort you made.

*************

JR asks, “How much gasoline should I use to start a charcoal grill?”

Dear JR: Not more than your biggest gasoline can can hold. You don’t want to overthink things or you’ll never get anything done.

*************

DZ asks, Home ownership is a drag. I miss renting, and having a repairman on call to do the work and foot the expense of maintenance. Please advise.

Dear DZ: Put the biggest, nastiest stash of illegal drugs or explosives, your choice, you can find by the broken thingy. Then call the police about it. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how quickly the men in blue will show up. They’re thorough as well. They’ll take apart everything. Be sure to pay them, though. No one likes working for free.

*************

KD asks, “What should I do if I see a chicken trying to cross the road?”

Dear KD: Follow it. Hold you hands underneath as you do so. It might lay an egg into your hands. Don’t give up. Follow as long as it takes. Eggs are expensive.

*************

SC asks, “Should I cut the chain saw off to change the chain on it? (Someone actually asked my husband that when he worked at Lowes.)

Dear SC: Oh Heavens no, use an acetylene torch instead.

*************

SR asks, “Who is really the best person to set up that meeting with the Congressional Black Caucus for the President?”

Dear SR: Get someone from a minstrel show to approach the CBC. Be sure to get someone from a good minstrel show to do the talking. You don’t want to insult them.

*************

WK asks, “When I’m out in the rain, does the color of the umbrella I’m using make a difference?

Dear WK: Buy six different colors of umbrellas. Wait for the next rainstorm. Go outside and put them on the ground upside down. The umbrella that collects the least rain in an hour has the color that repels rain the most.

*************

JE asks, “How do I teach my lizard to wave?”

Dear JE: Hire a shock therapist. Lizards, while quick learners, are notoriously aloof and independent. Shock therapy will show the critter who’s boss.

*************

RS asks, “Can I teach my Dalmatian dog, Trotsky to read? He is 18 months old. He has trouble sitting still for longer than five minutes. Is that too early? What reading materials would you suggest for a playful young puppy?”

Dear RS: You gave your dog a Russian name. Now, it can only learn to read in Russian. Enroll your dog at KGB headquarters in Moscow. Don’t worry about your canine paying attention. The agency’s obedience methods are second to none.

Doctor Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: bad advice | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: