Posts Tagged With: doughnuts

Why the Latest End of the World Didn’t Happen

NoApocalypse

It’s getting embarrassing. People confidently shout to everyone that the end of the world will end tomorrow. Then tomorrow comes. And it doesn’t end. Again. Oh sure, you might have gotten a migraine or you found no hot coffee waiting for you when woke up, but that’s not entirely the same thing as the complete destruction of seven billion people. Be fair, it isn’t.

So what happens to the doomsayers? Humiliated, they slink off to their innermost lairs, tails between their legs, until enough time has elapsed for them to come out and forecast with complete uncertainty the next apocalypse. This, of course, is a shame as most of the end-of-the-Earthers are the nicest people you’d ever meet. George, who predicted the end of the world in 2012 makes doughnuts at his bakery and has a smile for everyone, including those who pay for their purchases entirely with pennies. Sarah, a newcomer to doom, runs a charity to provide hearing aids to northern Greenland.  Prudence, a veteran with seventeen predicted apocalypses under her belt, provides the voice that says, “Recalculating,” whenever your GPS notices you’ve taken a wrong turn.

All these people are wonderful folks. It’s always a great loss to the community whenever hide because of yet another highly visible, spectacularly, amazingly, world shakingly–oops sorry, bad choice of words there–End-It-All Soothsayers. What can we do to soothe their bruised egos?

Give them excuses

1* It’s the president’s fault.

2* It happened at night. No one noticed.

3* It happened, but we all got better.

4* It happened. It did! It just happened in a parallel universe. You know the one that takes our orphan socks from the clothes dryer.

5* It can’t happen until the Cubs win the World Series. Maybe this year they will and the apocalypse will back on track.

6* Apparently we don’t need the apocalypse, we have ComcastTM.

7* The Earth didn’t get slammed by a giant Coca PebbleTM, because an immensely huge space alien, I mean a hundred times the size of Jupiter, ate the last box of immensely huge Coca Pebbles.

8* We were on Daylight Savings Time.

9* Dr. Who saved us.

10* It happened, but no one will give the doomsayers any credit. It isn’t fair.  Just because people won’t dwell on the negative, preferring to rebuild their lives and face the slaggy, radioactive world with a joyful song.

– Paul R. De Lancey, comforterCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback or Kindle
on amazon.com.

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“eDating the Old School Way” by Maura Stone – Book Review

eDating the Old School Waymauracover

Maura Stone, the Bubbameistah, gives hilarious advice to those looking to the internet for matchmaking. Beware! Okay, okay, that’s a bit too succinct. But you will laugh out loud. You will find out that you are a catch, people out there are crazed murderers who want to see naked pictures of yourself and even worse than will want to meet you at a Dunkin Doughnuts. How do you avoid this fate? By listening to the Bubbameistah. She’ll tell you such secrets as how people make themselves sound better online than in real life and that if it’s meant to be, your e-dating sweetheart will call you back within three days. It’s twue!

Written in such a way that even a economics nerd can relate, eDating the Old School Way is sprinkled with such sage topics as “E-Women are Lunatics.” And on the other hand, what woman would not want the know the following motherly advice, “Would your interest be piqued when he markets himself with “I put the toilet seat down”? If that’s the best he can say for himself, then you know his bar is set way too low.”

eDating the Old School Way is the only self-help book I’ve read all the way through and the world is a better place for it. And the world will still be a better place after the Zombie Apocalypse, for Ms. Stone navigates us through the treacherous waters of eDating for zombie men and Dunkin Doughnut dating.

eDating the Old School Way is available on amazon.com

Check out her  author page on HOPress-Shorehousebooks.com

– Paul R. De Lancey, author of Beneficial Murders and Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World

Categories: humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ugandan Chapati

Ugandan Appetizer

CHAPATI

INGREDIENTSChapati-

1 garlic clove
¼ red onion
2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
⅔ cup water (about)
1 tablespoon vegetable oil (additional 12 tablespoons later)
12 tablespoons vegetable oil (1 tablespoon per side of chapati)

PREPARATION

Mince garlic and red onion. Add flour and salt to large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk. Make dough by slowly adding water. Knead or smoosh with hands after each addition of water. The dough has enough water when it sticks together and is just a bit moist. Add 1 tablespoon oil to dough. Knead with hands. Add minced garlic and red onion and knead dough once more. Cover dough and let sit for 20 minutes.

Separate dough into 6 balls. Roll dough out into circles ¼” to ½” thick. Add 1 tablespoon oil to pan for each side of chapati. Heat oil using medium-high heat. Fry dough circles, chapati, one at a time. Fry each side for 1-to-1½ minutes or until golden brown. Monitor the frying of the chapati. You will need to reduce the cooking time or temperature as the temperature of the oil increases.

Chapati goes great with rolex, Ugandan rolled eggs.

TIDBITS

1) It is not advisable to keep nitroglycerine around the house when making chapati.

2) What if you dropped the mixing bowl on the floor? Well, the loud noise it would make might cause the nitroglycerine to explode.

3) Then where would you be?

4) All over the place. All over the neighborhood in fact.

5) Even if you managed to pull yourself together after all this fuss, your chapati would be a goner. And how would you start over with your kitchen destroyed? Don’t even think of asking your neighbors to use their kitchen. You now have a reputation as a messy cook. People will shun you until you give them chocolate doughnuts and chocolate doughnuts are mighty hard to share.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bacon & Chocolate Party’s Press Release

Bacon & Chocolate Party’s Platform

The country is in danger. The gravitational field has gone wonky. The price of bacon and chocolate has risen. Americans everywhere, at least three, cry out for the Bacon & Chocolate Party to save the day. The B&C has developed a nascent social consciousness. Like a phoenix, the nearly dormant Bacon & Chocolate Party will arise from the ashes of its bitter and disputed defeat in the elections of 2012. What does B&C stand for? As far as I can tell our platform is:

1: We promote and enjoy bacon.fudge
2: We promote and enjoy chocolate.
3: We will save our bees.
4: We sick Ms. Elizabeth Warren on the banks while we much on bacon-wrapped shrimp and chocolate doughnuts.
5. We will find a way to make chocolate downloadable over the internet.
6. Frugality, frugality, frugality. Our campaign chest of $0.00 makes us forgo all tactics costing a penny or more.
7. Our first point, okay, seventh point, is to first do name harm, especially if we have bacon-wrapped shrimp or chocolate doughnuts to divert from the current issues.

Note: the fourth point assumes Ms. Warren will be a part of Bacon & Chocolate’s team when it sweeps to victory in November, 2016. Would someone who knows her please ask her to join our party? Thanks. We’re kinda shy.

Paul R. De Lancey – Presidential Candidate
Candace C. Bowen – Vice-Presidential Candidate
Jonna Pattillo – Political advisor

Visit our Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/BaconChocolateParty

– El Candidato Paul4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Spring Rolls (Cha Gio)

Vietnamese Entree

SPRING ROLLS
(cha gio)

SpringRoll-

INGREDIENTS – SAUCE

1/4 teaspoon Thai chili or red pepper flakes or minced serrano
1/4 cup fish sauce or Hoisin sauce
1 tablespoon lime juice
1/4 cup sugar
½ cup water

INGREDIENTS – ROLL

1 ½ ounces cellophane noodles or rice vermicelli
½ pound large shrimp, peeled and deveined
½ pound pork
1 carrot
4 green onion stalks
2 garlic cloves
1 egg
2 teaspoons fish sauce
2 teaspoons Hoisin sauce
1 teaspoon ginger
20 rice wrappers or egg roll wrappers
1 ½ tablespoons sesame oil
2 cups peanut oil as necessary
2 lettuce leaves

SPECIAL UTENSIL

electric skillet

PREPARATION

Combine Thai chili, fish sauce, lime juice, sugar, and water in mixing bowl. Stir with fork until sugar dissolves. Set aside. This is the dipping sauce.

Put noodles in mixing bowl. Add enough water to cover. Let sit for 10 minutes or until noodles become soft and bendable. While noodles are sitting, cut shrimp into eighths and mince pork. Shred or grate carrot. Mince green onion and garlic cloves. Drain water from noodles. Beat egg in small bowl.

Add sesame oil, carrot, garlic, pork, shrimp, fish sauce, and Hoisin sauce to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 10 minutes or until shrimp turns orangish-pink and is no longer translucent. Stir frequently. Add noodles, green onion, and ginger. Cook at medium heat for 2 minutes. Stir frequently. Let cool.

If rice wrapper is hard, quickly run warm water over until it is pliable. (IMPORTANT! Run water over only ONE WRAPPER at a time. If you run water over multiple wrappers at a time or leave the wrappers for any length over time you will get a gelatinous mass that can’t be separated for love or money.) Place rice wrapper on board. Brush edges of rice wrapper with egg. Add 1/4 cup of pork/shrimp/veggie/noodle mix to center, bottom third of rice wrapper. Fold in sides to form 3″ long roll. Roll up rice wrapper from bottom. Brush remaining corner with egg. Repeat until you run out of rice wrappers or pork/shrimp/veggie/noodle mix.

Set electric skillet to 375 degrees. Put a drop of water in skillet. When drop starts to bubble or move around, add up to 2 cups of peanut oil as necessary. Carefully add 8 egg rolls to skillet at a time using tongs. Fry egg rolls for 2-to-3 minutes or until they turn golden brown. Turn egg rolls. Once. Remove and place on paper towels to drain grease. Repeat until all egg rolls are fried.

TIDBITS

1) Vietnam is an anagram for Mite Van.

2) Most mites are way too small to drive a van safely.

3) Or even pedal a bicycle.

4) Vietnamese policemen are banned from wearing dark sunglasses while on duty. This is because you really need to see well to see a mite driving a van illegally. A drunken mite would make for a particularly poor driver.

5) If you are a mite and you want to hit the hard stuff, consider drinking ruou ran (snake wine.) This wine comes with a pickled snake inside the bottle. It is supposed to be able to cure any illness.

6) Giving snake wine to all the sick people of the nation would be a unique national health program. The National Health Care Dispensaries, formerly known as bars and liquor stores, would sell the wine direct to the public.

7) This plan would require no tax dollars from the government. Households would be freed from spending 14% of their income on health care.

8) The Federal Government could use all the money it saves to pay down the debt, invest in infrastructure, and conduct energy research. People would spend their windfall on college education for their kids, provide for their retirement, and buy bacon.

9) With people’s retirement completely assured, we wouldn’t need to contribute to social security. Indeed, the government could then distribute all the money we having coming to us. We’d buy cars, homes, and doughnuts. The surging demand would force businesses to hire every worker they could find and at a high wage. Higher take home pay would mean more spending. To meet this spiraling demand, businesses would want to investment massively for the future. Massive future investment means full employment forever. I see a Nobel Prize in Economics coming for me very soon.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Poutine

Canadian Entree

POUTINE

INGREDIENTSPoutine-

5 Yukon gold potatoes (or medium potatoes)
1 1/2 cups grated mozzarella cheese
1 1/2 cups beef gravy
5 cups vegetable oil

SPECIAL ITEMS

long-sleeve shirt (this dish can splatter hot oil)
deep fryer

Makes 4 bowls. Takes 1 hour.

PREPARATION

Cut potatoes into strips 1/4″ to 1/2″ wide. Soak potato strips in cold water for 30 minutes. Drain. Pat strips dry. Put oil in deep fryer. Heat oil to 375 degrees. Put potato strips in fryer. Fry strips at 375 degrees for 10-to-15 minutes or until they become crisp and turn golden brown. You will need to cook in batches. Remove fries. Put fries on paper towels to remove grease.

While the last batch of potato strips is frying, warm gravy in small pot. Put fries on large plate. Place cheese curds on top of fries and ladle gravy over everything.

TIDBITS

1) Cajun roux also splatters . It’s made of flour and oil and is dark brown. It is heat at 500 degrees making splatter from it quite painful. Chef Paul Prudhomme calls it, “Cajun napalm.”

2) They’re tasty, I know, but the most dangerous foods to eat while driving, according to the insurance industry are:

Coffee – A hot, spillable liquid. Owie! Major distraction.
Hot soup – Hot soup while driving? Are you crazy?
Tacos. – Great but messy. Go for the easier to hold burrito.
Chili – Messy and hot. Again, go for the burrito.
Hamburgers – The grease from the burger makes your hand slip on the driving wheel. Burgers cooked under heat lamps have a lot less grease. A lot less taste, too. It’s a life versus taste trade off.
Barbecued food – The sauce will go everywhere. So will your car if you eat barbecued while driving.
Fried chicken – Greaser to eat than burgers.
Jelly or cream-filled doughnuts. They squirt on the steering, the gas pedal, and the brake.
Soft drinks – Carbonation up the nose is so distracting
Chocolate – Melts on your hands, not in even your mouth. Your hands slip on the steering wheel.
cover

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hawaiian Pizza

Hawaiian Entree

HAWAIIAN PIZZA

INGREDIENTSHawaiPi-

no-stick spray
1 pizza crust
1 cup pineapple chunks
1/2 cup pineapple juice
1/2 teaspoon brown sugar
1 cup pasta sauce
6 ounces deli-sliced ham
2 tablespoons Parmesan cheese

SPECIALTY ITEM

pizza pan

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Spray pizza pan to keep the pizza from sticking. (It’s not a good feeling to have your great looking, great smelling pizza fall apart because it sticks to pan when you try to serve it.) Put crust on pan. Mix pineapple juice, brown sugar, and pasta sauce until sugar dissolves. Spread mix evenly over crust.

Cut deli-sliced ham into 1″ squares. Place ham squares and pineapple chunks on crust. Sprinkle Parmesan cheese on top. Put pizza in oven and bake at 400 degrees for 10-to-15 minutes or until cheese or crust in golden brown. Now you have a Hawaiian pizza. Life is good.

TIDBITS

1) In 334 BC Alexander the Great, invaded the Persian Empire, changing culinary history forever.

2) In 327 BC, while conquering much of the known world, he discovered sugar cane.

3) Alexander the Great came so close to dying in battle in 334BC.

4) If he had died then, he wouldn’t have conquered the Persian Empire. If he hadn’t have conquered the Persians, he wouldn’t have been able to bring back sugar to the Mediterranean.

5) In 1493, Columbus introduced sugar to the New World.

6) Sugar was so prized by European nobility up until 1800 that many bloody wars were fought over islands with thriving sugar plantations. These plantations required vast numbers of slaves to work them.

7) So if Alexander had died at a young age in battle as Alexander the Mediocre, a lot of conflict and misery might have been avoid.

8) On the other hand, we’d have no doughnuts, no cakes, and no brownies. And no pizza too; the yeast in the pizza requires sugar to rise.

9) So, Alex’s wars of conquest resulted in some good as well. Life’s life that.

10) 2001, sugar is found in outer space. Yay!

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, history, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How I Will Win the Nobel Prize

The only goal not achieved from my bucket list, aside from a wine-and-chocolate book signing at the South Pole, is winning the Nobel Peace Prize. How will I achieve this ambition?

Everybody likes good food. My shakshuka, tomato-breakfast soup, is tasty. Shakshuka, is liked by Arabs and Israelis alike.  I will simply invite Morsi and Netanyahu to my humble home for breakfast. The menu will feature hot, delicious skillets of shakshuka. On the side, they can feast on homemade maple doughnuts. Who doesn’t like maple doughnuts? Who could ever again contemplate violence after eating a maple doughnut?

Nobody. The dawn of world peace is at hand.

shakshu-

MapleDo-

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Baked Maple-Covered Doughnuts Recipe

American Dessert

BAKED MAPLE-COVERED DOUGHNUTS

INGREDIENTSMapleDo-

DOUGHNUT

1 cup pastry flour or regular flour if not available
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons milk
2 large eggs
3 tablespoons vegetable oil

MAPLE GLAZE

1 cup confectionary sugar
1 tablespoon milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 tablespoons maple syrup

SPECIAL UTENSILS

doughnut mold, or tray, for 6 doughnuts
no-stick spray.

PREPARATION – DOUGHNUT

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Combine flour, sugar, baking powder and salt in medium mixing bowl until all ingredients appear to be well mixed. Add milk, eggs, and vegetable oil to another medium bowl. Blend with whisk until mixture starts to get foamy. Pour the milk mixture into the flour mixture and blend with whisk until all is combined.

Spray doughnut mold with no-stick spray. Scoop combined mixture into each dough form until half full. Put in oven and bake at 375 degrees for 10 to 12 minutes. Doughnuts should be done when they spring back when gently poked.

Remove doughnut mold from oven. Let sit for about 3 to 4 minutes. Gently pry doughnuts from mold with knife or small wooden spatula and put on plate.

PREPARATION – MAPLE GLAZE

Combine confectionary sugar, milk, vanilla extract, and maple syrup.. Use blend setting on electric beater to mix these ingredients. Use ladle or large spoon to pour glaze over the doughnuts. Use spoon to smooth the glaze on the doughnuts. Cool doughnuts in refrigerator until glaze sets.

Eat your share before your family or friends do.

TIDBITS

1) Canada’s new $50 and $100 bills smell like maple syrup. Way cool.

2) It’s part of the bills’ anti-counterfeiting measures.

3) The maple leaf symbolizes Canada and appears on the Canadian flag.

4) Swedish meatballs smell great and symbolize that nordic nation.

5) It would be great if Swedish currency smelled like that.

6) I like the idea of baking money.

7) “Patty cake, patty cake, baker man, bake me a bill as soon as you can.”

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Baked Chocolate-Covered Doughnuts & Little Sad Sack Comic

American Dessert

BAKED CHOCOLATE-COVERED DOUGHNUTS

INGREDIENTSBakeCCD-

1 cup pastry flour or regular flour if not available
1/2 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons milk
2 large eggs
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
6 tablespoons creamy milk chocolate frosting
sprinkles (optional)

SPECIALTY UTENSILS

doughnut mold, or tray, for 6 doughnuts
no-stick spray.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Combine flour, sugar, baking powder and salt in medium mixing bowl until all ingredients appear to be well mixed. Add milk, eggs, and vegetable oil to another medium bowl. Blend with whisk until mixture starts to get foamy. Pour the milk mixture into the flour mixture and mix until all is combined.

Spray doughnut mold with no-stick spray. Scoop combined mixture into each dough form until half full. Put in oven and cook at 375 degrees for 10 to 12 minutes. Doughnuts should be done when they spring back when gently poked.

Remove doughnut mold from oven. Let sit for about 3 to 4 minutes. Gently pry doughnuts from mold with knife or small wooden spatula. Use wooden spatula to gently (Yes, today’s cooking word is gently) spread chocolate frosting on top half of doughnut.

(Lots of people love doughnuts. The primal drive of the caveman to pounce on a bison has nothing on the modern person’s urge to eat a doughnut. This urge is so intense that your doughnuts might get eaten before they are even coated with chocolate. That’s okay. They’re happy and you will have less to clean up.)

TIDBITS

1) So many places proclaim themselves to be “Donut Shops” that I ever open one of those stores, I will say that my doughnuts are made with “real dough.”

2) “Dough” as American slang for money dates back to 1851.

3) I’ve heard that some economists claim that the size of the doughnut hole correlates with the health of the economy. When the economy booms, more dough gets used and so the doughnut hole becomes smaller.

4) My degree is in economics and I’ve never seen such studies, not even in my wilder classes or in the most blood-stirring journals of economics.

6) The exciting Gertrude Stein once used the phrase, “the hole of the doughnut,” to describe people personalities or souls.

7) Empirical economists use multiple equations replete with Greek letters to examine hypotheses.

8) During such examinations we economists like to eat pizza. However, we never turn down a good doughnut. In this way, we are like people everywhere.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

sadsack7

Categories: cuisine, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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