Posts Tagged With: beneficial

Words To Live By

Ducks31) Do what you can do. If you can do it, then you can do it.

2) Don’t do what you can’t do. If you can’t do it, then you can’t do it.

3) Not everything you can do should be done. Mixing root beer with a pint of Scotch bonnet sauce comes to mind.

4) Turn off the burners on your stove when your done.

5) Run from rabid ducks.

 

– Paul De Lancey, Life Counselor

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, 

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Isosceles Bermuda Triangle

BermudaTriangle

 

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, 

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“Zombie-On-The-Go” Products – ZombieWipe

ZombieWipe

Zombies, has this ever happened to you? You’re on the way home to your lovely wife’s birthday party–You were smart enough to know that death and zombification wouldn’t fly as an excuse to miss it–and oh no, you have brain bits all over your hands. You can’t show up at her party like that. Her relatives never really liked you when you were alive. They sure as shooting, aren’t going to like you with messy mitts.

“I told you,  Martha, he was a slob,” your mother-in-law would say.

“I told you he never amount to much,”  says your father-in-law.  “Not even a bum. Just a no good zombie.” Then he spits on you.  And speaking of shooting, messy hands are all the excuse those relatives will need to get out the ol’ shotgun.

People can be so unfeeling to the undead. You want to be spiffy. But how is that possible when your neighborhood HOA kicks you out of your home? When you can’t even get a room and a shower at the  YMCA? The song does say, “Young man” not, “Undead man.” When gas stations won’t let you use their restrooms to spruce up? Just one time, a zombie in Oklahoma left a hand in the men’s room. The news went viral and now no gas station in America will let you wash up.

But at heart–Does it still beat when you’re undead? I don’t know–you still take pride in your appearance. What is the anal-retentive  zombie to do?

I’m glad you asked. Try Zombie Wipe-tm by Zombie-On-The-Go, LLC. Zombie Wipe gives your hands that minty fresh scent. And there’s more, Zombie Wipe is designed for easy opening, so losing a finger getting at those wipes-for-humans will be a thing of the past.

Now go to your wife’s birthday gala, you party animal, you.

– Paul De Lancey, health reporter

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, 

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

How The British National Election Will Give Me Super Powers

 

According to USA Today on May 7, 2015, Britain’s Green Party held one seat in Parliament. There were much larger parties holding many more seats vying for control of the country’s destiny. However, they are of no interest to us and we shall ignore them.

The main thing to notice is that Other Parties held 27 seats.  According to USA Today, other parties “Includes smaller parties from Northern Ireland, Wales, and Independents.” Okay fine, but what is smaller than one? Zero! (Okay, 1/2 is smaller than one. But you can’t have half a politician sitting* in Parliament or in the United States Congress for that matter. The incomplete he or she would die. It would be messy. Moreover, even though partial politicians are not specifically excluded from winning office in any country on this planet, there does seem to be a rather strong unwritten rule about it.)

Okay, now it gets exciting. USA Today claimed that the Other Parties, as of May 7, held a total of 27 seats in Parliament. How on Earth is that possible if all the Other Parties have zero members sitting* in Parliament? Is the sum of zeroes greater than 27? YES, dear reader  0 + 0 + 0 = 0 > 27 or alternatively 0>27. Half of 0 is o. Half of 27 is 13.5.  So 0>13.5. In fact, zero is greater than any positive number. Woo hoo, then line of thinking is quite exhilirating, liberating even.

0 > 1, 0>2 . . .

This is where I acquire super powers.  SupermanTM flies at let’s say, 100 miles per hour. I admit it; I fly at zero miles per hour. But we’ve just proved that 0>100. I CAN FLY FASTER than Superman. Superman can lift 2 tons of steel. I can easily lift o tons of steel. 0>2. I can hoist more than Superman. I AM STRONGER THAN SUPERMAN. I am mightier than Superman.

Do not worry. I shall use my superpowers for good, unless of course, you block the aisles at the supermarket with your shopping cart. Then you will be toast.

* = Members of Parliament are allowed to stand and move around. They do not have to sit all the time. Sitting in Parliament is just a phrase that has gotten a lot of currency.)

– Paul De Lancey, Superhero

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, 

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

 

 

Categories: humor, politics | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Movie Commentary: The Ancient Greeks Did Not Fight in Speedos

300 makes my all-time fetid-movie list. While it is true that the Spartans heroically delayed the Persian invasion at Thermopylae, it is not true that:

1) All Persians were hideous, hairless, trolls. Most Persians probably looked like people. Well, maybe not the people of Walmart.TM

2) Xerxes, the Persian king, was bearded and did not have earrings all over his face.

3) The Greeks did not fight in Speedos. They usually fought with body armor and leg armor. On occasion they fought naked, but it was to avoid infection from dirty garments, not to strut their stuff.

4) There was not a narrow mountain pass or gate at the battlefield. The mountains however were close to the sea.

5) If there were a narrow mountain pass with the width of three men, then why the heck didn’t they fight there instead of on the beach which had a width of perhaps thirty? Think about it. You’re late to a lecture on neo-post-impressionist geometry. Would you rather fight your way through a narrow hallway packed with students on their way to workshop on beer appreciation or across the sparsely occupied grassy quad? I rest my case.

6) A shepherd did betray the Spartans by telling the Persians of a mountain pass that circled behind the Spartan position. However, he was a local and is quite doubtful that he possessed a two-foot high hump.

7) In fact, it is highly unlikely that all baddies in the fifth-century BC looked like orcs from the Lord of the Rings.

8) The Persian Immortals were not short, probably not beardless, did not wear metallic masks, did not have metallic shields. In fact, they had wicker shields.

9) It is true that most of the Spartan soldiers stayed at home because of a religious holiday. There is no record of it resulting from domestic intrigue.

10) There is no record of the Spartan religious establishment as looking like evil cartoon characters.

11) The Greeks did not build their temples atop mountains with sheer cliffs. They could not have constructed such places of worship without an anti-grav machine, which they didn’t have.

12) And finally, just from looking out my window, I find it quite hard to believe that the Greek world of 480 BC was completely and relentlessly lived every moment in grimy-sepia tone. Perhaps they had a spot of green, red, or blue on some spot of the landscape every third day?

– Paul the peace maker

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, 

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: history, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Strange Club

About an hour from the Pacific Ocean and in a canyon in the southeast corner of San Diego County there is a sign proclaiming, “Canyon Yacht and Gun Club.” This club intrigues me tremendously. How much yachting can you do in a waterless canyon? Do they use their guns while yachting? On dry land? If somehow they manage a yacht race, does the winner need to be extra gracious to the losers?

More strange clubs as I find them.

– Paul the Wonderer

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, 

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #26, Technology

BadArtist26

ON HOLD HAIKU #1

You put me on hold

What’d I ever do to you

To be put on hold.

 

ON HOLD HAIKU #1

I am still on hold

I feel my will to live leave.

I grow old waiting.

– Paul De Lancey, Bad Artist

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, 

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cartoon, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #10, Computers

BadArtist10

 

Love Haiku

My dear sweet darling

I love you even more than

I hate computers.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cartoon, humor, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #9, The Scream

BadArtist9

Fortunately, Mr. Munch, love the name, deposits his paychecks directly to the car dealership.

And now a haiku for car repair bills.

 

#$%@@! $%#&*

%^(*{!@ !@#%*+ ++|!

!@#@@##

 

– Paul the Bad Artist

 

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cartoon, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Artist #5, Words

BadArtist5

Haiku to Heteroskedasticity

Some words are quite long
Heteroskedasticity
Is one of those those.*

* = “Those those” because the last line needs five syllables. Haikus aren’t easy to write either.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Bad Artist

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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