Posts Tagged With: revolution

You Need to See a Rabbit Do a Complete Flip

And here it is.

 

 

 

 

I think Fluff Fluff did rather well, don’t you? Watch for her when competes for the first time on Bunny Flips on ESPN8, next Friday, 8pm, EST.

I spent hours learning how to do this. It might not seem like a mighty achievement, but it kept me off the streets where I would only foment revolution. And that’s a good thing.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Advertisement
Categories: sports, you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fraud! Moby Dick Was Not a Whale

 

 

Moby Dick was to be portrayed by a whale in the movie with the same name. There are, of course, sperm whales that can be hired for the role. However, sperm whales know they have no serious competition from human actors, not even the ever superb and ever versatile Tom Cruise. Sperm whales realize this and charge $100,000 a day while on the set. White sperm whales are much rarer and command acting fees of $10,000,000 a day. No motion-picture studio can afford such a cost.

This is why the movie Moby Dick starring Gregory Peck did not film actual white sperm whales. The studio simply could not afford to cast Spanky the Sperm Whale.

So what did they do? There answer was ingenuous. They simply boiled some far-cheaper weisswursts. German white sausages, and drew mouths and eyes on them with a black marker. You really can’t tell the difference unless you see the white sperm whale and the weisswursts side by side and motionless as can be seen below

 

 

Of course, Hollywood always wants a sequel to any blockbuster. It never happened in this case, because the studio’s coffee lady moved to New Zealand, However, my sources told me the sequel would have been called Caleb Dick, Moby’s son. The above picture on the right was a promotional poster for the never-materialized second movie. Now you know.

Oh, and it took more time than I care to reveal to come up with the above pictures. However, that time would have surely been spent by me fomenting revolution in the streets. And we don’t need that.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook,  Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on  amazon.com.

Categories: are you a dick, observations, you need to see | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Polish Chicken Soup (Rosół)

Polish Soup

CHICKEN SOUP
(Rosół)

INGREDIENTS

4 carrots
1 celery root or 3 celery stalks
2 parsnips
1 leek
2 medium yellow onions
¼ head Savoy cabbage or regular cabbage
3½ pounds chicken parts with bone in
5 allspice berries, aka allspice seeds
3 cloves
6 peppercorns
2 teaspoons salt
4 quarts water or enough to cover vegetables and chicken in pot
2 tablespoon fresh parsley
½ pound thin egg noodles or thin regular noodles

SPECIAL UTENSILS

8-quart pot or 2 4-quart pots

Serves 16. (This recipe is meant for many people. Feel to cut into in half or more.) Takes 3 hours.

PREPARATION

Peel carrots, celery root, and parsnips. Trim leek; keep only white and light-green parts. Leave onions unpeeled and add them to pan. Heat at medium-high heat until you get burn marks. (The burned yellow skins help color the broth.)

Add chicken parts, allspice, cloves, peppercorns, salt, cabbage, carrots, celery root, onions, parsnips, and leek to large pot. Fill pot with enough water to cover everything. Simmer at low heat for 2 hours 30 minutes or until chicken parts are tender and fall off the bone.. Stir enough to prevent burning. Skim off foam as it accumulates on surface to keep the broth clear.

Remove chicken parts, carrots, celery root, parsnips, leek, cabbage, and onions from broth. Tear meat from each chicken part into 4 or more pieces. Cut each cabbage, carrot, celery root, leek, and parsnip into 8 pieces. Remove skins and roots from onions. Cut each onion into 4 pieces. Return all of these ingredients to broth.

About 15 minutes before soup is ready, cook noodles according to instructions on package. Ladle broth with chicken and veggies into serving bowls. Add equal amounts of noodles to each bowl. Dice parsley. Garnish soup with parsley.
TIDBITS

1) People often ask me how much of each ingredient it would take for to make a recipe for everybody in an entire down. Here’s what it would look like for Poway, my fair city.

Ingredients for FEED ALL OF POWAY CHICKEN SOUP

12,141 carrots
3,035 celery roots
6,071 parsnips
3,035 leeks
759 heads cabbage
6,071 yellow onions
10,623 pounds chicken parts
15,176 allspice berries
6,071 cloves
18,212 peppercorns
126 cups salt

2) That’s a lot of food. Buy in bulk.

3) That’s a lot of food to fit in one car. Or even a van. You might want to organize a convoy of vans.

4) But tiny hatchbacks such as the Fit(tm) carry a lot in the back,

5) It’s deceiving I know, but that car can carry of groceries, especially you fold down the rear seats.

6) Anyway, it’s likely no supermarkets, especially the neighborhood ma-and-pa ones have 6,071 parsnips on hand.

7) Nor even the big box stores such as Costco(tm) could fill your ingredients list. You’ll have to go to multiple big stores.

8) All at once. If people hear that all the celery roots, parsnips, and leeks have been cleared out of one store, mass hysteria will ensue. People will start a celery root, parsnip, and leek run the lights of which have never been seen.

9) You and your Feed All Of Poway Chicken Soup pals will have to hit all big box stores at one. You will have to do this with military precision.

10) But then there will be no veggies and roots anywhere in your county. News of this shortage will travel rapidly. Shortages will occur across the land. Celery root-parsnip-and leek riots will erupt across the nation. Police will loose control. Our country will slide into anarchy. Vegetable-and-root lacking people will foment revolution. So on second thought, making this recipe for an entire city is probably not to best thing to do. And it would take a long time to cook.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Scrambled Eggs (Revoltillo de Huevos)

Dominican Breakfast

SCRAMBLED EGGS
(Revoltillo de Huevos)

INGREDIENTS

1 bell pepper, red or yellow
1 small onion
1 large tomato
2 tablespoons olive or vegetable oil
6 eggs
⅛ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt

Serves 3. Takes 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Dice bell pepper, onion, and tomato. Add oil, bell pepper, onion, and tomato to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Remove pan from heat. Add eggs to mixing bowl. Beat eggs with whisk or fork until well blended. Add eggs to pan. Cook at medium heat until eggs set and are done to your liking. Stir slowly and frequently enough to prevent burning. Sprinkle scrambled eggs with pepper and salt.

TIDBITS

1) This version of scrambled is truly tasty. It’s also visually appealing. This dish was not invented by Andy Warhol, the famous pop artist. No indeed, Pedro Castillo invented Revoltillo de Huevos in the early 1960s. But until then he had been a rather conventional egg scrambler.

2) But one with communist leanings and sympathies. So, he filled his life with everything red including the flags of the USSR and China. And roses. His wife liked the roses but detested his politics. “Your communism constantly brings the government down on us,” said Maria. “The policía shut down our huevoria every week.” This marital discord came to a head when Pedro brought home 100 pounds of red bell peppers to throw during the upcoming anti-government demonstration. “¿Estas loco?” Maria pummeled her husband. “They will surely jail you for this. Get rid of those red veggies or we’re through.”

3) Pedro loved his wife than any people’s revolution, but he was also thrifty. How to use the red bell peppers? Suddenly, lightning struck his head. (Pedro was quite tall.) The bolt’s electrical surge reordered the synapses in his brain. “Aha, “I shall add diced red bell peppers to my scrambled eggs.” And so Revoltillo de Huevos was born. A few days later, Andy Warhol ate this dish at Pedro’s huevoria. The inspired, but unknown Warhol unveiled Revoltillo de Huevos at a museum. He became an instant sensation. Warhol shared his Revoltillo royalties with Pedro. Pedro and Maria lived out their lives as a rich and happy couple. The end.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Black Bean Chicken

Chinese Entree

BLACK BEAN CHICKEN

INGREDIENTS

1 pound chicken breasts
½ tablespoon corn starch
1 teaspoon grated ginger
4 teaspoons rice wine or sake
2 garlic cloves
2 shallots
2 tablespoons peanut oil or vegetable oil
½ teaspoon sesame oil
3 tablespoons black bean sauce (aka black bean paste)*
¼ cup chicken stock
¾ teaspoon sugar
1 green onion
1 teaspoon toasted sesame seeds or sesame seeds

* = If you can’t find black bean sauce, you can substitute with hoisin sauce or miso. Alternatively, use your sonic obliterator on any guest complaining about your lack of authenticity. You don’t need that negativity in your life.

SPECIAL UTENSIL

sonic obliterator

Serves 3. Takes 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Slice chicken breast crosswise into ¼” thin strips. Add corn starch, ginger, and rice wine to large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk until well blended. Add chicken strips. Mix with hands until chicken strips are thoroughly coated. Marinate for 15 minutes.

While chicken strips marinate, mince garlic cloves and shallots. Add peanut oil, sesame oil, garlic, and shallot to pan. Heat peanut oil using high heat. (Peanut oil is ready when a bit of shallot starts to dance in the oil.) Sauté at medium-high heat for 30 seconds. Stir constantly. Add black bean sauce. Sauté for another 30 seconds. Stir constantly.

Add chicken strips, chicken stock, and sugar. Bring to boil using high heat, stirring frequently. Reduce to low and simmer for 5 minutes or until chicken is no longer pink inside. Stir occasionally. While chicken simmers, chop green onion into thin slices. Garnish with green onion and toasted sesame seeds.

TIDBITS

1) Chickens are usually calm creatures. “Live and let live is their motto.”

2) Unless, they don’t get black beans to eat. Then things get ugly.

3) In 1848, farms all around Scotland ran out of black beans. It all came to a head in the great Paisley Chicken Riots.

4) In retrospect, Paisley’s authorities should have seen it coming. The local chickens had forsaken their usual, “Poc, poc, poc, poc” for “POC, POC, POC, POC!!” Since then, chickens speaking in all capital letters and exclamation points have become a byword for terror. But back then, the town’s constabulary was caught flat footed. Enraged Scottish hens broke into seed barrels everywhere.

5) Fortunately, it rains a lot in Scotland and rain seeped into barrel upon barrel filled with corn seed, or maize seeds as the local chickens would have said. These soaked seeds became fermented from the rain. The chicken got drunk, wobbled around with outstretched wings, and finally passed out in the streets.

6) “They need intervention,” said the bonnie Franchesca. Paisley’s mayor agreed. Just one week later work started on the World’s First* Chicken Alcohol Treatment cent or as WFCAT as it is more commonly goes by. * = As far as we know.

7) The Chicken Rebellion of 1848 fizzled out. Unrest in Great Britain died down. Isn’t amazing how many people take their lead from chickens?

8) But other European leaders learned nothing from this. Their poor people starved. Middle class people protested for more and more say in government. Chickens demanded the black beans their brethren in England got. European fowl ransacked seed stores in all major cites.

9) Orators everywhere exhorted the mobs. “Citizens, are we cowards? Are we going just sit at our tables eating mushroom mush while our fowl friends lead the charge towards liberty and equality?” “No!” shouted the seething masses. And so, Europe erupted into the Year of Revolution.

10) Finally governments responded to the crisis engulfing their lands. First, no succeeding year would ever be known as 1848 for, as we all know, there is lots of symbolism in numbers. Second, generous subsidies to farmers would ensure bumper crops of black beans for centuries to come. In fact, in1927 seed growers planted so many black-beans that its future market crashed. Economic depression loomed. Alert government chefs suggested a dish made of chicken and black beans to gobble up the seed surplus.

11) You might think the chickens would have objected to being eaten. But they never have, remaining docile as long as they got their black beans to eat, “Thank you very much.”

12) Then, in 1993, the Chinese Bikini Team visited Great Britain and later brought the dish back with them. Black bean chicken became enormously popular. It still is. This is why this entree is known as coming from China.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Bully Beef Casserole

Papua New Guinean Entree

BULLY BEEF CASSEROLE

INGREDIENTS

¾ cup rice
¼ cup peas (optional)
1 12-ounce can corned beef
3 Roma tomatoes
1 13.5-ounce can coconut milk

SPECIAL UTENSIL

8″ x 8″ casserole dish

Serves 4. Takes 50 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 360 degrees. Cook rice and peas according to instructions on package. While rice cooks, crumble the corned beef. Cut the tomatoes into slices ¼”-to- ½” thick. Line the casserole dish with ½ of the rice. Use ½ of the crumbled corned beef to make a layer above the rice. Use ½ of the tomato slices to make a layer above the corned beef. Repeat this sequence of layers with the remaining rice, corned beef, and tomato slices. Pour coconut milk over casserole. Sprinkle peas over casserole. Bake at 360 degrees for 25 minutes or until coconut milk bubbles.

TIDBITS

1) This entree takes 50 minutes to make. What else could you do with that time besides serving your loved ones a tasty meal? Here are some suggestions.

2) Meditate: Cross your legs and assume a full-lotus position. Meditating clears your mind, soothes your soul, and lowers your blood pressure. Allow 30 of the 50 minutes to cussing as your body gets into and out of difficult position.

2) Read a good book. If it’s a long one such as War and Peace, your mind will be much improved. However, as the novel is so much longer than 50 minutes, you’ll have to give up many 50-minute meals in a row. You will starve.

3) Which is why you’ll have to order pizza after pizza while reading War and Peace. Countries with the highest number of War and Peace copies eat the most pizza.

4) Foment revolution. Of course, no real fomenting can be done in just 50 minutes, which is why America and most countries never, or at most rarely, suffer civil war.

5) Governments do, however, fear dishes that take longer to make. Our leaders go to great lengths to suppress cookbooks with entrees requiring a week of preparation. Now you know.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bully Beef Casserole

Papua New Guinean Entree

BULLY BEEF CASSEROLE

INGREDIENTS

¾ cup rice
¼ cup peas (optional)
1 12-ounce can corned beef
3 Roma tomatoes
1 13.5-ounce can coconut milk

SPECIAL UTENSIL

8″ x 8″ casserole dish

Serves 4. Takes 50 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 360 degrees. Cook rice and peas according to instructions on package. While rice cooks, crumble the corned beef. Cut the tomatoes into slices ¼”-to- ½” thick. Line the casserole dish with ½ of the rice. Use ½ of the crumbled corned beef to make a layer above the rice. Use ½ of the tomato slices to make a layer above the corned beef. Repeat this sequence of layers with the remaining rice, corned beef, and tomato slices. Pour coconut milk over casserole. Sprinkle peas over casserole. Bake at 360 degrees for 25 minutes or until coconut milk bubbles.

TIDBITS

1) This entree takes 50 minutes to make. What else could you do with that time besides serving your loved ones a tasty meal? Here are some suggestions.

2) Meditate: Cross your legs and assume a full-lotus position. Meditating clears your mind, soothes your soul, and lowers your blood pressure. Allow 30 of the 50 minutes to cussing as your body gets into and out of difficult position.

2) Read a good book. If it’s a long one such as War and Peace, your mind will be much improved. However, as the novel is so much longer than 50 minutes, you’ll have to give up many 50-minute meals in a row. You will starve.

3) Which is why you’ll have to order pizza after pizza while reading War and Peace. Countries with the highest number of War and Peace copies eat the most pizza.

4) Foment revolution. Of course, no real fomenting can be done in just 50 minutes, which is why America and most countries never, or at most rarely, suffer civil war.

5) Governments do, however, fear dishes that take longer to make. Our leaders go to great lengths to suppress cookbooks with entrees requiring a week of preparation. Now you know.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’d foment revolution, but I’d Have to Get Out of My Jammies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Garlic Bread

Italian Appetizer

GARLIC BREAD

INGREDIENTS

1 loaf Italian bread or French Bread or French rolls
3 garlic cloves
½ cup butter, completely softened
1 teaspoon olive oil
1 tablespoon Italian seasoning

SPECIAL UTENSILS

food processor (optional)
tin foil

Serves 4. Takes 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Slice bread diagonally every 1″. DO NOT slice bread all the way to the bottom; keep the loaf together. Mince garlic quite finely, use a food processor if desired. Add finely minced garlic, softened butter, olive oil, and Italian seasoning to mixing bowl. Blend thoroughly with whisk or fork. Use spatula to spread garlic butter between bread slices.

Wrap loaf in foil and bake at 375 degrees for 15 minutes or until bread is slightly browned.

TIDBITS

1) Garlic bread is an anagram for Grab Da Rice. Grab Da Rice was a slogan for the hungry French rioters of 1781. It was not a particularly good slogan as incendiary slogans go. I mean, some firebrand would whip up the Parisian sans culottes to a fever pitch and then he’d say, “Grab da rice.”

2) But not many stores in the Paris of 1781 even carried rice. So many rioters dissipated their energy tramping all over looking for riceries. They developed blisters and leg cramps and never ever again heeded the call for revolution.

3) The happy few, well as happy as you can be when you’re in full riot mode, found rice stores had trouble grabbing much rice with their hands. The rice kept slipping between their fingers as they scurried all the way home. A more informative slogan would have been, “Scoop the da rice with a large spoon and but it in a sack.” But that’s too long for exciting people to riot.

4) The French revolution only really took off when its leaders targeted bread rioters with, “Liberté, égalité, fraternité.” Proper word choice matters, even in a revolution.

Leave a message. I’d like to hear from you.

Chef Paul

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Carrot Cake

American Dessert

CARROT CAKE

INGREDIENTS – MAINcarrotcake

4 eggs
1⅓ cups sugar
⅔ cup light brown sugar
3 cups shredded carrots
1 cup vegetable oil
¼ teaspoon allspice
2 teaspoons cinnamon
¼ teaspoon ginger
¼ teaspoon salt
2 cups cake flour or flour
½ tablespoon baking soda
1 cup chopped walnuts or pecans or combination
no-stick spray

INGREDIENTS – ICING

6 tablespoons butter (softened)
1 pound confectioner’s sugar
8 ounces cream cheese (softened)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

SPECIAL UTENSILS

electric beater
9″ x 13″ casserole dish
3 mixing bowls (Or are you an outstanding chef like my Grandma Anna wished us all to be and who cleanse bowls and utensils as you cook?)
sonic obliterator

Makes about 30 2″-squares. Takes 2 hours.

PREPARATION – MAIN

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Add eggs to first large mixing bowl. Use medium setting on electric beater until frothy. (The eggs, not you.) Gradually add sugar and light brown sugar. Blend using electric mixer set on whip until well blended. Add carrots, vegetable oil, allspice, cinnamon, ginger, and salt. Blend with mixer set on medium-high until well blended.

Add flour and baking soda to second large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk. Add flour/baking soda from second mixing bowl to first mixing bowl. Blend using electric beater’s medium-high setting. Add nuts and stir with spoon.

Spray casserole dish with no-stick spray. Pour eggs/sugar/spice/baking soda mixture into casserole dish. Smooth with spatula. Bake at 350 degrees for 35-to-45 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center of cake comes out clean. Let cool on wire rack for 1 hour. Use spatula to smooth icing over carrot cake.

(Okay, little secret here. After 15 minutes, you can cool the cake down considerably faster by putting the casserole dish in cold water in the sink. Be sure the water is only halfway to the top of the casserole dish. If your casserole dish is too big for the sink, simply put it in the bathtub. Again, let the water go no higher than halfway up the side of the casserole dish. If someone happens to see your cake cooling in the bathtub and makes a snarky comment, zap him with your sonic obliterator. You don’t need that negativity in your life.)

PREPARATION – ICING

While cake bakes, add butter, confectioner’s sugar, cream cheese, and vanilla extract to third mixing bowl (Note: this cookbook always employs the Oxford comma when providing a list of ingredients. Long live the Oxford comma! Vexation to its enemies!) Ahem, beat ingredients using electric beater set on cream until ingredients become a fluffy icing.

TIDBITS

1) The famous French painter, Paul Cézanne believed, “A single carrot newly observed will cause a revolution.”

2) Eleven years after Cézanne died, the Russian Revolution began. People in the streets of St. Petersburg, the Russian capital, had been starving. They couldn’t afford the price of a loaf of bread.

4) Desperate to maintain order, the czar and his ministers bought up food from all over the world. They purchased cabbages from Germany, eggs from Sweden, and carrots from the gardens of Cézanne’s children. The authorities even bought beans, cotija cheese, and tortillas from Mexico. Surely, the rioters would be placated by burritos. I mean, who doesn’t like a burrito?

5) Unfortunately, as in the case of many government programs, well intentioned though they might be, something went wrong. The newly formed Russian Ministry of Burrito Assembly put a raw carrot in every burrito.

6) The Russian rebel rabble not appreciate the taste of the raw carrot, bean, and cheese burrito. They did not like its texture either. They did not like it in the city square. They did not like in their hair. They did not like it in the air. They did not like it anywhere.

7) So the Russians did not eat these burritos. And they grew hungrier and hungrier.

8) Then an artist named Ivan Popoff came across one of the burritos lying–Oh gosh, I hope I conjugated this evil verb correctly–split open on the street. Something about the burrito’s carrot struck him. “Oh ho,” he said, “I am observing this carrot in an entirely new way.” Lenin, a passerby, heard this and immediately started the Russian Revolution.

9) Millions died during the Russian Revolution and the ensuing decades. We should all pay more attention to French post-Impressionist painters.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: