Posts Tagged With: Gruyere

Bad Advice Friday, 5-12-17

Oh my gosh. It’s Friday already. Did you know there’s one every week? So, I shall once more be dispensing bad advice As usual, the advice will stupendously bad.
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JW asks: Should I really call my mom, or get her a gift or card, or visit her, or any of those other mother’s day things?

Dear JW: I think you should give the Mothers’ Day of Benedict Cummerbund. He’s handsome as anything, he’s rich, he has a career, what more could mother want? Ask Benadryl Cuminpatch if he’d like to spend the rest of his life with Mom. You’ll have to ask Benpicked Cucumber nicely as he is, as indeed all celebrities, used to people gushing up to him. If a lifetime commitment is too much, would he be willing to do whatever Mom wanted for one day. Should he complain of lost income from his movies, you’ll just have to rob banks until you’ve accumulated $100 million. Oh, and a grilled cheese sandwich. Make sure the cheese is gruyère. Celebrities have expenses tastes. This will be a Mothers’ Day Mom will never forget.

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SL Red, purple, or green?

Dear SL: The White House has been that uninspired white ever since its construction. I applaud your desire to spiff up the world’s most recognized building, to give it some character, to have some fun. Since, the color of the Republican party is often thought to be red, it would good to paint the White House red. I strongly suggest using spray paint for the job as the Secret Service is not going to give you much time to do a professional job with a roller and a paint brush. Indeed, they apt to be rather cross with you while hauling you away to ask such questions such as, “How did you get over the fence and so close to the White House without being spotted?” You’ll be able to answer with, “Why I went to the nearest circus and bought a cannon from the Human Cannonball. I then shot myself and my paint.” Maybe that will impress them. It’s worth a shot. (See what I did there?)

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JCA asks: Mayo, or Miracle Whip? Not for food, but for bedroom fun. (Asking for a friend).

Dear JCA: My natural inclination as a chef is to suggest mayonnaise as it is a purer food and less likely to be a chemical sh*tstorm. Indeed, try to get mayonnaise with all natural ingredients. Let’s keep our planet green. However in this case, spreadability and lubrication will be prized more than it would be in making a tuna sandwich, I suggest the scientific method. Have two bedroom romps with each volunter. Ask them if they preferred the mayonnaise experience or the one with Miracle WhipTM. You might need hundreds of volunteer partners before you become quite confident in your results. Should you have a spouse who balks at your scientific zeal, you might need to present your sweetheart with a nice box of chocolates and some lovely flowers when asking their permission. Oh, and make sure you always use fresh mayonnaise and Cool Whip. You don’t want to get false responses from your volunteers because you used something rancid. Check those expiration dates.

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KGV states: Thanks for the reminder. Being retired, I easily forget which day of the week we are celebrating.

Dear KGV: It is easy to forget the day of the week, isn’t it? Buy yourself a $600 cell phone, one that shows the day of the week. You don’t have to use the phone for anything. If opening the cell phone just to find the day of the week seems a bit weird, hire a butler. The butler will follow you around and will be pleased to tell what day it is no how many times you ask.

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LF asks: Why do ticks tick?

Dear LF: Not all ticks tick, only the explosive ones. Explosiveness was a defensive trait evolved by ticks during the Cretaceous period. Ticks of that time were forever getting trampled underfoot by tyrannosaurus rexes hot on the pursuit of a brontosaurus burger. A tick scout would raise the alarm whenever a T-rex approached. The explosive ticks would rush the killer dinosaur and explode themselves. The explosion would kill the tyrannosaurus, but the rest of the tick colony would be saved. Sure it would take a lot of ticks to fell a mighty Rex, but holy moly, there are a boatload of ticks. There’s a practical use to this as well. North Korea has not acting at all neighborly lately. To help the world, get on the plane to North Korea with a carry-on bag full of explosive ticks. Don’t worry about TSA, the ticks aren’t metallic and aren’t even on any list of prohibited items. The North Koreans, being a wary sort, might ask you what’s in your bag. They might even open your bag and ask, “What are those ticks doing?” You should say, “I don’t know. Do ticks talk?” (See what I did there?) Then head to the nearest military installation, the one where you can do the most damage. Tell the ticks that those North Korean missiles or fighter planes are T-Rexes. The ticks will blow up the entire installation or base. Oh I forgot, the North Korea security is a distrustful lot. Try to blend in as you make your way through the countryside.

Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

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Quiche Lorraine

French Entree

QUICHE LORRAINE

INGREDIENTSQuiche Lorraine-

1 pastry pie shell (follow instructions)
8 ounces bacon (leanest is best)
4 ounces Gruyère cheese
4 eggs
1½ cups heavy whipping cream
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt

SPECIAL UTENSIL

pie tin

Makes 1 quiche. Takes 1 hour. A quiche is not a quickie.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Trim excess fat from bacon. Fit puff pastry into pie tin. Use knife to trim all pastry that goes beyond the top edge of the pie tin. Add bacon to pan. Fry bacon using medium-high heat for 10 minutes or until bacon is cooked but not yet crispy. Remove and put on towel-covered plate to remove grease. Cut bacon into ½ squares. Sprinkle bacon squares onto puff pastry in pie tin. Grate cheese. Sprinkle cheese over bacon squares.

Add eggs, whipping cream, nutmeg, pepper, and salt to large mixing bowl. Blend thoroughly with whisk. Pour the egg/cream/spice mix over the cheese. Bake quiche in over at 375 degrees for 45 minutes or until toothpick inserted into the middle of the quiche comes out clean. Let quiche cool for about 10 minutes.

TIDBITS

1) In May, 1789, inmates of L‘Andouille Prison in Lorraine, France petitioned the Supreme Court to stop whipping, because it hurt even more than a stubbed toe. The judges, having lost their heads in affirming the use of the guillotine against jaywalkers, decided a bit of mercy wouldn’t be amiss. They ordered that prisoners be coated with cream before being whipped to take out the sting.

2) Whipping the cream coated convicts made whipping cream. Pierre Le Fou added this whipping cream to his daily ration–French prison life was not all bad–of bacon, Gruyère cheese, eggs, nutmeg, pepper, and salt and made the fist quiche Lorraine. Next time, he poured the mix not on his hand, but in a pastry pie shell. This was the first quiche Lorraine. The recipe spread to the Bastille prison. On July 14, food lovers stormed the Bastille for the convicts’ quiche Lorraines. King Louis XVI repressed the mob with muskets. The Parisians reacted with fury. The French Revolution was born. Blood would flow. Excesses would happen, but quiche Lorraine became available for all.

– Chef Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperback or Kindle on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cheese Fondue and World Peace

Swiss Entree

CHEESE FONDUE

INGREDIENTS??????????

6 ounces gruyère cheese
6 ounces emmenthaler cheese
1/2 baguette or French bread
3/4 cup dry white wine
½ teaspoon lemon juice
½ tablespoon corn starch
1 ½ tablespoons kirsch or dry sherry
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg

SPECIAL UTENSILS

fondue pot
fondue forks

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grate gruyère cheese and emmenthaler cheese. Cut baguette into 1″ cubes. Place baguette cubes on cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for about 3 minutes or until cubes become toasted to your liking.

Add white wine and lemon juice to large pan. Warmt wine using medium heat for 5 minutes or until wine starts to bubble. Immediately reduce heat to low. Gradually stir in the grated gruyère and emmenthaler cheeses. Cook on low-medium heat for 5 minutes or until melted cheese begins to bubble. Stir frequently.

Blend cornstarch with kirsch in mixing bowl. Add cornstarch/kirsch mix, pepper, and nutmeg to pan. Cook on low-medium heat for about 3 minutes or until cheese fondue sauce becomes thick and creamy. Stir frequently

Transfer fondue in pan to fondue pot. Adjust flame under fondue pot so that the cheese fondue barely bubbles. Use fondue forks to dip toasted baguettes cubes in fondue sauce. Marry anyone who consistently buys you the ingredients.

TIDBITS

1) Dry sherry sounds wrong, kinda like dehydrated water.

2) To get water from dehydrated water, just add water.

3) A lot of shower water get wasted just waiting for it heat up.

4) Agriculture always needs more water.

5) But people like their hot showers.; won’t give them up.

6) The solution is to have the water that would normally go down the drain before the person gets in the shower be sent to the corn, wheat, rice, and lettuce fields of the world.

7) Of course, it would be impractical to build pipes from people’s showers to all the farms.

8) Instead, we must move everyone’s showers to the farms.

9) Commuting hours to our showers will be a hardship at first.

10) But things will get better when we move our homes, equipped with showers, to the farms.

11) But not entirely.

12) We will now face horrendous commutes to our jobs.

13) But that will get better when our factories move out to the farms as well.

14) Everything will be right next to us, our homes, our food, our employment, and our showers.

15) We won’t have to spend any more money on automobiles for commuting nor will we need trucks for shipping foods and merchandise.

16) We will have the money we spent or cars and trucks to buy things we really want.

17) The economy will boom.

18) With no gas being used on combustion engines, pollution and global warming will decline dramatically. The Earth will become a new Eden.

19) With little oil needed to make gasoline, there will be no need for nations to fight each other for that energy product. Putting all of humanity in these small farm/city/shower islands will free up previously used lands for all future and larger populations. An enduring peace will break out over the world.

20) No commuting and more income will mean that the two biggest stresses on the modern family disappear. Families will become bundles of happiness.

21) Teenagers will even clean their rooms.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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French Onion Soup

French Soup

FRENCH ONION SOUP

INGREDIENTSFrenchOnion-

2 large onions
2 garlic cloves
6 ounces Gruyère cheese
2 tablespoons butter
4 cups beef broth
2 tablespoons dry sherry or dry white wine
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 bay leaf
6 slices French bread

PREPARATION

Preheat broiler to 350 degrees.

Mince garlic cloves and onions. Grate cheese. Add garlic, onion, and butter to pot. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add broth, sherry, Worcestershire sauce, black pepper, and bay leaf to pot. Bring to boil on high heat, stirring frequently. Reduce heat to low and simmer covered for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally.

While soup simmers, toast bread slices. Sprinkle toasted bread slices with cheese. Bake slices at 350 degrees for 3-to-5 minutes or until cheese is bubbly and golden brown. Ladle soup into bowls and gently place bread slices on top of soup.

TIDBITS

1) Archeologists believe the Japanese ate fish soup as early as 15,000 years ago.

2) However, the opera composer Guiseppe Verdi (1813-1901, 1942) ate chicken noodle soup when he needed inspiration. It is quite clear that Mr. Verdi had a time machine to be alive in 1942. He probably looked around, saw the world at war, wasn’t impressed, and went back to his own time.

3) The French poet Beaudelaire loved onion soup. His pet bat, Skippy, kept in a cage on Beaudelaire’s desk resented the poet’s attention to this soup and went back in time to prevent the invention of soup. Skippy’s attempt met with limited success, however, removing soup from the time line only during the Elizabethan Era. This is why Shakespeare never mentions the word soup in any of his plays or sonnets.

4) According to Europe’s Patent Office, the most frequently requested patent document is for sardine-flavored ice cream. This delicacy is made from the noble onion (featured in this recipe), ferment soybean paste, rice wine, milk, alcohol, and nut pastes. Road trip to Europe!

– Chef Paul
cover

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Croque Monsieur

French Appetizer

CROQUE MONSIEUR

INGREDIENTSCroqueMonsieur-

6 ounces sliced Gruyère cheese
4 tablespoons butter
2 1/2 tablespoons flour
1 1/2 cups milk
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 bay leaf
8 slices white bread
6 ounces sliced ham, thin but not paper thin

2 ounces grated Gruyère cheese

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 375 degrees and set to broil. Slice 6 ounces of Gruyère cheese. Grate 4 ounces of Gruyère cheese.

Use medium heat to melt butter in small pot. Add 1/2 of the melted butter to pan. (Reserve half of the butter.) Add flour. Cook at low-medium heat for 2 minutes. Stir frequently. Add milk, nutmeg, pepper, and bay leaf. Cook at medium heat for 8 minutes or until sauce thickens. Remove from heat. Remove bay leaf. Set aside sauce. Stir with whisk or fork until blended.

Top a bread slice with 1/4th of the ham and 1/4th of the sliced cheese. Top with second bread slice. Repeat for 3 more sandwiches. Brush each sandwich with 1/4th of the remaining melted butter. Put sandwiches in pan and fry at medium heat for 2 minutes per sandwich side or until golden brown.

Put sandwiches on baking sheet. Spoon sauce and grated cheese evenly over the 4 sandwiches. Broil at 375 degrees for 2-to-4 minutes or until cheese on top starts to brown.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe uses flour. Flower and flour are homonyms. It’s important not to get the two words mixed up. Putting flours, say white and wheat, in your sweetheart’s hair will not get you a kiss on the lips. Indeed, your sweetheart is more likely to snarl, grab a kitchen mallet, and approach you. Run.

2) And don’t use flowers in this recipe. Doing so will probably not enhance the taste of this dish nor even its texture. And my gosh, don’t even think of using the flower deadly nightshade as an ingredient. It’s poisonous. Accidental culinary deaths are bad. Deliberate culinary murders are always bad. Just say no to culinary murders.

– Chef Paul
cover

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Meatloaf Provençale

French Entree

MEATLOAF PROVENÇALE

INGREDIENTSMeatloafPro-

1/2 white onion
1/2 red onion
3 cloves garlic
1 green bell pepper
1 carrot
1/2 cup spinach
1 Roma tomato
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/2 cups bread crumbs
1/4 cup shredded cheese (Gruyère or Doubs, if you can find it)
1 1/2 pounds beef
3 eggs
1 tablespoon herbes de Provence
1 tablespoon parsley
1/2 teaspoon pepper (mignonette if you can find it)
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
1/4 cup red wine

SPECIAL UTENSIL

8″ x 8″ casserole dish
no-stick spray.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mince white onion, red onion, and garlic. Seed bell pepper. Mince bell pepper, carrot, spinach, and tomato. Add olive oil, white onion, red onion, and garlic to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes. Stir frequently.

Put all ingredients in large mixing bowl. Combine everything with hands. Is this messy? Yes, it is. Spray casserole dish with no-stick spray. Put mixture in casserole dish. Put casserole dish in oven. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour.

TIDBITS

1) The ancient Greeks believed mustard soothed sore muscle, and cured toothaches.

2) Being so much smarter, we now think mustard stimulates the appetite, improves digestion, clears sinuses, and increases blood circulation.

3) Sprinkle mustard flour in your socks to prevent frostbite.

4) Throwing mustard seeds over your right shoulder at your clothes washer and dryer will prevent them from stealing one sock from every pair.

5) Some Danes and Indians think you can ward off evil spirits by scattering mustard seeds around your home’s perimeter.

6) Lutefisk placed all around your home repels all evil spirits, people, and indeed every organism on this Earth.

7) Extraterrestrials will not visit our planet as long as we make lutefisk.

8) There is not a single nation in the world that even considers using lutefisk as a weapon of war.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rice Onion Soup Provencale From Forthcoming Cookbook

French Soup

RICE ONION SOUP PROVENÇALE

INGREDIENTS

1 large onion
2 garlic cloves
1/2 cup brown rice
1 cup water
1 1/2 tablespoons butter
1 quarts beef broth
1/2 tablespoon red wine
1/3 cup Gruyère cheese
1/3 cup Swiss cheese
1/2 baguette
2 bay leaves
2 tablespoons herbes de Provence

(If you cannot find herbes Provence, use the following spices.)
1/2 teaspoon basil
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoons marjoram
1/2 teaspoon oregano
1/2 teaspoon parsley
1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon tarragon
1 teaspoons thyme

PREPARATION

Mince onions and garlic. Slice Gruyère and Swiss cheese into thin 1-inch squares. Cut baguette into slices no wider than 1-inch. Toast slices on cookie tray in toaster oven at 275 degrees for 5 minutes. Cook rice according to instructions shown on bag or heat rice and water in rice cooker.

Meanwhile back at the range, saute onions and garlic in butter in pot at low-medium heat for 15-to-20 minutes or until onions start to turn brown. Stir frequently

Add broth, red wine, and herbes de Provence to pot. Cook on low heat for 30 minutes. Add done rice to soup and cook on low heat for another 5 minutes. (Use this time to practice your Gallic shrug.)

Ladle soup into bowls. Top each bowl with 3 or 4 baguette slices. Sprinkle squares of Gruyère and Swiss cheese on top. Wait 1 minute and serve.

TIDBITS

1) Gruyère cheese costs over $16 a pound at my supermarket. Serve it only to people you like.

2) Gruyère cheese comes from Switzerland.

3) Switzerland was one of the few European countries that never got invaded by the Germans during World War II.

4)Gruyère cheese has more than 100 calories per ounce. An infantryman could get his daily allowance with far less food than the gruyèreless soldiers of The Third Reich. This enabled the Swiss soldier to carry more ammunition than his aggressive northern neighbor.

5) The earlier First and Second German Reichs also collapsed. Their soldiers didn’t eat Gruyère cheese either.

6) My family eats Gruyère cheese. We ate it today.

7) Do your part for your country. Eat Gruyère cheese often

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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