Posts Tagged With: Greeks

Huckleberry Milkshake

Posted on January 24, 2022 by pauldelancey

American Dessert

HUCKLEBERRY MILKSHAKE

INGREDIENTS

3 cups vanilla ice cream
1 cup milk
½ cup huckleberry preserves

SPECIAL UTENSIL

blender

Serves 4. Takes 5 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add all ingredients to blender. Set blender to milkshake. Blend until you get the consistency of a milkshake.

TIDBITS

1) Fresh huckleberries can be quite hard to find. Really, really hard As hard as finding yak butter? No, you find can buy fresh huckleberries in Wyoming when they’re in season.

2) Honest men, according to Diogenes, the ancient philosopher, are as hard to find as fresh huckleberries.

3) Diogenes, the ancient philosopher, carried a lamp with him as he wandered the days looking for an honest man. He never found a honest soul as most people walked away from him. What a loony, using a lamp when there was a perfectly good Sun in the sky illuminating everything.

4) Travelers also thought Diogenes was a highwayman out to steal their fresh huckleberries. Looking for honest men selling blueberries took up all Diogenes time. He had no time to get a good-paying job. So, he remained poor. Then he made a virtue of poverty. The little faker

5) It’s too bad. The Great Greek was a crackerjack philosopher when he put his mind to it. But he didn’t. Bereft of his calming philosophical guidance, the Greek city states plunged themselves in decades-long war where many died and all huckleberry farms withered away from neglect.

6) Some 100 years later the brainy mathematician, Archimedes, proved the proved the Earth to be round and, for extra credit, calculated its circumference. The Earth was round! Greek sailors could have traveled across the Atlantic Ocean without fear of falling off the edge of the Earth. Then it would have only been a hop, skip, and a jump to Wyoming, land of the huckleberries. But all knowledge of huckleberries had long since disappeared. Huckleberry deficient Greeks got conquered by Rome. All because of events set in motion by the obsessed Diogenes. Bummer.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Why Bluebirds Sing

Posted on March 27, 2021 by pauldelancey

 

About a million-to-some-three-thousand years ago, life was hard. Life was brutal. Life was boring. After a tough day hunting and killing a mastodon Joe Caveman naturally craved intellectual recreation. So he and his friends, those who survived the hunt, got together for a game of “rock, rock, rock.” But everyone played “rock” and the game ended in one tie after another. This so discouraged prehistory’s brainiacs that even the most cursory of intellectual pursuits, such as telemarketing and mime shows, were put on the back burner for millennia.

Then happy day, papyrus and soon afterward paper were invented. In one literary salon after another in ancient Egypt and Greece the forward thinkers flocked to hearty games of “Rock, Paper.” Life was worth living. Thinking was worthwhile. The Egyptians erected magnificent pyramids in their great joy. The Greeks, the Parthenon. The Chinese, the Colosseum.

Unfortunately, in 989 a lowly, but brilliant rag picker named Arlin reasoned thusly. If I pick rock and my opponent picks rock as well, I tie. If, however, he picks scissors, I lose. So, I either lose or tie with rock. If I pick paper and my opponent also picks paper, I tie. But if he picks rock, I win. So, I either tie or win with paper. Ergo, I should always pick paper. Within a scant fifty years, everyone picked paper and the games degenerated into ties, just as in the days of the caveman.

Joyless people stopped thinking again. The whole world plunged into the Dark Ages.

Then not so long ago, a Italian man with a bad haircut invented scissors. The game became Rock, Paper, Scissors. There was no same, optimal strategy. People could win and lose again. Thinking became worthwhile. The clouds parted. The bluebirds sang.  They’ve sung ever since.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Åland Semolina Pancake with Prune Sauce

Posted on August 2, 2014 by pauldelancey

Finnish Breakfast

ÅLAND SEMOLINA PANCAKE WITH PRUNE SAUCE

INGREDIENTS – PANCAKEAlandSemolina-

2¾ cups milk
¾ cup semolina or Cream of WheatTM
½ tablespoon cardamom
4 eggs
¼ teaspoon salt
¾ cup sugar
1 cup flour
no-stick spray.

INGREDIENTS – PRUNE SAUCE

12 pitted prunes
3⅔ cups water (½ cup more later)
1 cinnamon stick
1 cup sugar
2 tablespoons corn flour
⅓ cup water

whipped cream (optional or is it?)

SPECIAL UTENSIL

9″ x 12″ baking dish

Serves 8

PREPARATION – PANCAKE

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Spray baking dish with no-stick spray.

Add milk to pot. Simmer milk on low heat until milk warms. Stir frequently. Gradually add in semolina. Stir constantly to prevent lumps. Remove semolina porridge from heat.

Add cardamom, eggs, salt, and sugar to large mixing bowl. Mix with whisk until foamy. (Scare away unwanted visitors by smearing this mixture on your mouth before you open the front door.) Add flour and semolina porridge to mixing bowl. Stir with whisk until batter is well blended.

Pour batter into baking dish. Put baking dish in oven. Bake at 400 degrees for 30-to-6o minutes or until pancake is firm and golden brown.

PREPARATION – PRUNE SAUCE

While pancake bakes, dice prunes. Add prunes and 3⅔ cups water to pot. Soak for 40 minutes. Add cinnamon stick. Boil to boil on high heat. Reduce heat to medium-high and cook for xx minutes or until prunes soften. Add sugar. Stir until sugar dissolves. Remove from heat.

Add corn flour and ⅓ cup water to small bowl, . Mix with whisk until well blended. Add corn flour/water mix to pot. Bring prune sauce to boil using high heat. Stir constantly. Cook for 1 minute or until prune sauce thickens. Remove cinnamon stick. Pour into serving tray.

PREPARATION – FINAL

Cut pancake into 8 squares. Top pancakes square with prune sauce and whipped cream, if necessary. (Oh, of course it is.)

TIDBITS

1) The penalty for speeding in Finland varies with income. An American CEO might be fined over a million dollars. Tough country on scofflaws, you bet.

2) If you lose your shirt to Finland’s highway patrol, why not indulge your self with a Sauna? Be advised, social norms require you to be naked in the sauna. But you’re already half disrobed, having forfeited your shirt in tidbit 1).

3) It’s also quite acceptable for a bunch of friends to go to sauna together. Where everyone is naked. Good friends indeed.

4) Finland must not have many introverts.

5) It’s considered normal to leave the sauna, run outside, and jump in the nearest lake.

6) Although if its winter, it’s advisable to cut a hole in the lake before jumping.

7) Finns must have strong hearts.

8) What do Finns do if the nearest lake is twenty-six miles away and it’s freezing outside?

9) Run fast! It’s quite possible that Finland has the greatest number of saunas that are exactly twenty-six miles, the distance of a marathon, away of any nation in the world. This explains why Finland routinely garners the gold, silver, and bronze medals at every Nude Winter Marathon event.

10) Ancient Greeks invented the marathon. Or did they? Current speculation has Greece being invaded and settled by Finns around 1,700 B.C.. Finding ancient spas in Greece would go along way to proving this theory to the scientific community.

11) Some people point to the modern nude marathoners of Finland and the naked ancient Greek athletes as evidence of a vast Graeco-Finn empire around 1,450 B.C.. Why is there no evidence of this enormous realm? The au naturel Finns and Greeks, of course, wore no shirts. No shirts, no shirt pockets. No shirt pockets, no pens. No pens, no written history, and Bob’s your uncle.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Boiled Water

Posted on October 12, 2013 by pauldelancey

Fusion Basic

BOILED WATER

People boil water all over the world. You simply cannot become a master chef without mastering the art of boiling water. It would be as ridiculous as trying to build the Empire State Building without mastering building with LegoTMs.

INGREDIENTSboilwat-

water

(space reserved for doodling.)

First, locate your stove. Yes, it’s that big white appliance in your kitchen. No, no, no! You’re in the refrigerator. (Why does refrigerator have no “d” in it while “fridge” does?) The refrigerator has your beer in it. The stove is the thing with the four heating elements on top.

Put a pot on top of a heating element. I prefer the near, right one, but that’s because my near, left one doesn’t always work. If the left one did work, I would use that one as I am left-handed.

Fill the pot with water until it is half full. You are a beginner. When you’re more experienced, you may experiment with different levels. Until then, stick with halfway.

When you’ve done this, turn off the water. Future generations of water-hungry hordes will thank you. Most wars are started by competition over scarce resources. Your thoughtfulness will delay the War That Extinguished Humanity by another day.

Move the pot over to the lucky burner. Turn the burner on. You’ll be surprised how long water takes to boil when the burner’s off. You’ll also be astounded just how many times you’ll forget to do this simple task throughout your career as a successful, trend-setting chef.

Set the temperature on the dial for the burner to “High” or “Hi.” Low temperatures are not sufficient for boiling. Low settings are used to keep already cooked food warm; food that should have been eaten two hours ago but wasn’t because your no-good teenager decided to hang out at the skateboarding park instead of coming home. He could have called. He has a cell phone, but nooooo.

Anyway, it will take a few minutes to boil. You really should watch the whole process the first time. Once you get enough experience you can experiment with successively longer absences from the pot.

Don’t be excited by the first bubble on the water’s surface and conclude that the water is boiling. You’ll be laughed out of the world’s cooking schools if you think that.

Water can only truly be considered to be boiling if the entire surface is roiled. Another sign is a plentitude of tiny bubbles forming on the bottom of the pot.

There, you have accomplished a major culinary achievement. You are well on your way to cooking independence.

TIDBITS

1) Greeks thought water was one of the four elements. The other three were: Earth, Wind, and Fire, which is also the name of a famous rock-‘n-roll band.

2) You can swim in water or drink it. If you try the same with mercury, you will die.

3) Penguins’ digestive systems can change salt water to fresh water.

4) Penguins live in Antarctica. Antarctica has tall mountains. It’s more difficult to boil water at high altitudes. This is one reason why penguins never boil water.

5) The Earth’s supply of fresh water is relatively constant. The Earth’s population is soaring.

6) Fresh water will become harder to get for the people of the world.

7) Penguins with their ability to make fresh water will be able to dictate terms to an increasingly thirsty world.

8) Thank goodness penguins aren’t vicious.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Caprese

Posted on September 18, 2013 by pauldelancey

Italian Entree

CAPRESE

INGREDIENTSCaprese-

1 pound mozzarella cheese
4 vine-ripened tomatoes
1/4 teaspoon peppercorns (or black pepper)
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1/3 cup fresh basil
1/4 teaspoon sea salt

PREPARATION

There aren’t many ingredients in this dish, so fresh ingredients are especially important. Slice mozzarella into 1/4″ slabs. Slice tomatoes 1/4″ thick. Grind peppercorns. Put alternating layers of mozzarella and tomato slices on serving plate until they are all used. Drizzle olive oil over everything and evenly sprinkle your creation with basil, pepper, and salt.

TIDBITS

1) The ancient Greeks and Romans believed basil was the devil’s herb. Put basil leaves in an urn and presto chango, basil becomes scorpions.

2) Basil helps to ease gas pains and nausea. The ancient Romans and Greeks had trouble farting as they refused to add basil to their cuisine. This bloating made them crabby, made them want to make war, made them want to destroy their tooting neighbors. Indeed, most of the wars of conquest through the centuries have been waged by basil-hating cultures.

3) Basil’s strong flavor rebuffs garden pests. It even repels insects wanting to attack neighboring plants. What a nice herb! Don’t you wish you had neighbors like basil?

4) Haitians believe basil protects their country. Indeed, basil was the first country in the French colonial empire to gain independence. However as Haiti has suffered extensive domestic turmoil since then, there seems to be a limit to its magical properties.

5) William Gaines, the founder of Mad Magazine, once flew to Haiti to get the nation’s one subscriber to order issues for another year.

6) Basil works wonders in Italy as well, where it is a token of love in Italy. Italians love basil. They have a reputation for being great lovers. Coincidence? Who can say?

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

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Meatloaf Provençale

Posted on June 15, 2013 by pauldelancey

French Entree

MEATLOAF PROVENÇALE

INGREDIENTSMeatloafPro-

1/2 white onion
1/2 red onion
3 cloves garlic
1 green bell pepper
1 carrot
1/2 cup spinach
1 Roma tomato
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil
1 1/2 cups bread crumbs
1/4 cup shredded cheese (Gruyère or Doubs, if you can find it)
1 1/2 pounds beef
3 eggs
1 tablespoon herbes de Provence
1 tablespoon parsley
1/2 teaspoon pepper (mignonette if you can find it)
1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
1/4 cup red wine

SPECIAL UTENSIL

8″ x 8″ casserole dish
no-stick spray.

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Mince white onion, red onion, and garlic. Seed bell pepper. Mince bell pepper, carrot, spinach, and tomato. Add olive oil, white onion, red onion, and garlic to pan. Sauté on medium-high heat for 5 minutes. Stir frequently.

Put all ingredients in large mixing bowl. Combine everything with hands. Is this messy? Yes, it is. Spray casserole dish with no-stick spray. Put mixture in casserole dish. Put casserole dish in oven. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour.

TIDBITS

1) The ancient Greeks believed mustard soothed sore muscle, and cured toothaches.

2) Being so much smarter, we now think mustard stimulates the appetite, improves digestion, clears sinuses, and increases blood circulation.

3) Sprinkle mustard flour in your socks to prevent frostbite.

4) Throwing mustard seeds over your right shoulder at your clothes washer and dryer will prevent them from stealing one sock from every pair.

5) Some Danes and Indians think you can ward off evil spirits by scattering mustard seeds around your home’s perimeter.

6) Lutefisk placed all around your home repels all evil spirits, people, and indeed every organism on this Earth.

7) Extraterrestrials will not visit our planet as long as we make lutefisk.

8) There is not a single nation in the world that even considers using lutefisk as a weapon of war.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Greek Lemon Potatoes

Posted on June 9, 2013 by pauldelancey

Greek Entree

LEMON POTATOES

INGREDIENTSLemonPotato-

6 potatoes
3 garlic cloves
4 tablespoons lemon juice
1 1/2 tablespoons olive oil
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon oregano
2 teaspoons lemon zest
1 parsley
1/4 pepper
1 teaspoon rosemary
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 thyme
1/2 cup chicken broth

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.

Peel potatoes. Cut potatoes into 1″ cubes. Mince garlic cloves. Put all ingredients except potato cubes in mixing bowl. Mix with fork or whisk. Put spice/herb/mixture in casserole dish. Add potato cubes. Turn potato cubes around until coated with spice/herb mixture.

Put casserole dish in oven. Bake at 425 degree for 1 hour to 90 minutes or until potato is tender and starting to turn golden brown.

TIDBITS

1) Rosemary has long been held to improve memory.

2) Rosemary was sometimes worn at the wedding ceremony to remind the happy couple to always remember their wedding vows and to bring good luck. At funerals, it meant the living would always recall the dearly departed.

3) The Chinese used rosemary to get rid of headaches and cure baldness.

4) Rosemary has long been held to improve memory.

5) The Greeks thought rosemary could aid the liver and improve digestion.

6) In the wonderful British television series, “All Creatures Great and Small,” the main characters wax ecstatic over the prospect of having rosemary added to lamb. This is the only time out of more than a hundred episodes that they ever mention a spice or a herb.

7) Rosermary branches were used in Medieval Europe to combat the plague.

8) Rosemary is a safe herb for “brown thumbs” to grow.

9) Rosemary is connected with the Virgin Mary. Their flowers obtain their color from the shawl Mary placed over the shrub.

10) Rosemary is a happening herb.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Potato-Beef Flatcakes From Tanzania

Posted on June 8, 2013 by pauldelancey

Tanzanian Entree

POTATO BEEF FLATCAKES

INGREDIENTSPotBeefFlat-

3 large brown potatoes
3 large carrots
1 green bell pepper
1/2 ground beef
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon coriander
1/4 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon curry powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons sugar

2 or more tablespoons vegetable oil.

makes 12 flatcakes

SPECIALTY UTENSILS

food processor
electric skillet

PREPARATION

Peel and mince potatoes. (A food processor helps immensely. Remember this when your loved one gives you that appliance for your anniversary.) Peel and mince carrots. Remove seeds and mince bell pepper.

Combine all ingredients except vegetable oil in large mixing bowl. The best way to mix this is with your hands. Sorry. (But there is an upside to having messy hands. When your sweetheart asks you to answer the door or the telephone you can say, “Sorry, messy hands.”)

Make patties that are 1/2 cup big. Put 2 tablespoons vegetable oil in the electric skillet. Set the skillet to 350 degrees. Put as many patties as will fit into the skillet. Flatten them slightly with spatula. Cook with lid on for 5 minutes or until the patty browns. Remove lid. (Oil splatters, may I suggest wearing an apron?) Flip patties over and fry for another 5 minutes. Remove batch and start another. Add oil as needed.

And “tasty” in Swahili is “kitamu.”

TIDBITS

1) The carrot is one happening biennal plant of the umbel family.

2) Eating too many carrots will make your skin turn yellowish orange, especially on the palms or soles of the feet. This is called carotenemia. This goes away completely once you stop eating them.

3) Ancient Greeks and Romans ate carrots. No nation or tribe could stand up to Rome’s scary orange soldiers. That’s the Roman Empire grew so big and lasted so long.

4) Ancient Greeks believed eating carrots made men and women more amorous. “Hey, would like to have dinner at the Carrot Auctioneer?”

5) Seems silly, no? But rabbits love carrots and we all know how fast bunnies reproduce.

6) Hippocrates thought women could prevent pregnancy by eating carrot seeds.

7) Current scientific studies suggest this might be true after all.. Eating carrot seeds after intercourse might prevent the egg from implanting.

8) Whoa.

9) The orange carrot was invented by cross breeding yellow and red carrots. I wonder if you can turn yellow by eating too many yellow carrots. Don’t rob a bank after doing this. The police find  with yellow palms easy to find.

10) Yay, carrots!

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Bacon Buttermilk Pancakes Recipe

Posted on January 30, 2013 by pauldelancey

American Breakfast

BACON BUTTERMILK PANCAKES

INGREDIENTSbutt-

15 slices bacon (about 1 pound)
1/2 cup butter
1 cup cultured buttermilk blend
4 cups water
3 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 cup white sugar
1/4 cup baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 eggs

You can, of course, buy buttermilk instead of buttermilk blend, but your buttermilk will go bad if you don’t use it right away.

SPECIALTY UTENSILS

electric mixer
griddle or skillet

PREPARATION

Cut bacon strips in half. Fry bacon on medium-high heat until it starts to get crispy. Put bacon on towel-covered plate.

Melt butter. Use “batter” setting on electric mixer, or beater, to combine buttermilk blend, water, eggs, and butter. Combine in a second large mixing bowl: flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt. Pour the contents of the second bowl into the first mixing bowl. Mix together with fork until just blended.

Fire up the griddle to 350 degrees. Use a 1/2-cup ladle to pour your batter onto the griddle. Put two half bacon strips in batter. Cook for 1 3/4 minutes on the first side and for 1 1/2 minutes on the second side or until brown on both sides.

Makes about 16 8-inch diameter pancakes. Come join bacon mania.

TIDBITS

1) Bacon makes you smart.

2) The choline, whatever that is, in bacon stimulates fetal brain development.

3) China began preserving and salting pork bellies around 1,500 B.C.

4) China was one of the first places on Earth to develop a complex, thriving civilization. It is the most populous nation in the world.

5) The Greeks were one of the first peoples in the West to preserve and salt pork. The Greeks developed modern Western philosophy.

6) The Romans preserved and salted pork. They built the largest empire Europe and the Mediterranean world has ever seen. America’s founding fathers consciously based our system of government on the Roman model.

7) Americans eat bacon all the time. America’s economy is the largest in the world.

8) But other countries’ economies are catching up. Their peoples are eating more bacon.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, history, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Berbere Potato Chips Recipe

Posted on January 28, 2013 by pauldelancey

Fusion Snack

Berbere Potato Chips

 INGREDIENTSBerPoCh-

4 russet potatoes
water
2 tablespoons berbere spice
peanut oil

PREPARATION

Wash potatoes. Slice them as narrowly as you can. A thin slice will come out like a potato chip. A thick slice results in a thin french fry. Put slices in large bowl. Put enough water to cover potato slices. Let sit for 20 minutes. Drain completely.

Sprinkle berbere spice on potato slices. Mix until potato slices are thoroughly coated with spice. Put enough peanut oil in skillet to cover potato slices. Heat skillet to 375 degrees. (It’s a good idea to hold the top of the skillet between you and skillet while putting the slices into the skillet from the skillet. Hot grease splatter is nasty.)

Fry for up to 7 minutes or until slices are crispy like, well, a potato chip. (Note, the time needed to turn a potato slice into a potato chip varies considerably with the thickness of the slice, so you will need to monitor the frying after about 2 minutes.)

Remove chips from skillet using a spoon with holes in it. Put chips on plate covered with paper towel. Enjoy.

TIDBITS

1) The ancient Greeks thought the four basic elements of the universe were: earth, wind, fire, and water.

2) A famous rock and roll band from the 70s was Earth, Wind, and Fire.

3) Adding the fourth Greek element, water, would have made their name too long..

4) If the band had a time machine they could have named themselves after this recipe and been known as Potatoes, Water, Berbere, and Oil. Neat, huh?

5) But the band didn’t have a time machine.

6) If I had a time machine I’d never do laundry. I’d simply keep going back to the day when all my clothes were clean.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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