Posts Tagged With: lettuce

Cheese Fondue and World Peace

Swiss Entree

CHEESE FONDUE

INGREDIENTS??????????

6 ounces gruyère cheese
6 ounces emmenthaler cheese
1/2 baguette or French bread
3/4 cup dry white wine
½ teaspoon lemon juice
½ tablespoon corn starch
1 ½ tablespoons kirsch or dry sherry
1/8 teaspoon pepper
1/8 teaspoon nutmeg

SPECIAL UTENSILS

fondue pot
fondue forks

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grate gruyère cheese and emmenthaler cheese. Cut baguette into 1″ cubes. Place baguette cubes on cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for about 3 minutes or until cubes become toasted to your liking.

Add white wine and lemon juice to large pan. Warmt wine using medium heat for 5 minutes or until wine starts to bubble. Immediately reduce heat to low. Gradually stir in the grated gruyère and emmenthaler cheeses. Cook on low-medium heat for 5 minutes or until melted cheese begins to bubble. Stir frequently.

Blend cornstarch with kirsch in mixing bowl. Add cornstarch/kirsch mix, pepper, and nutmeg to pan. Cook on low-medium heat for about 3 minutes or until cheese fondue sauce becomes thick and creamy. Stir frequently

Transfer fondue in pan to fondue pot. Adjust flame under fondue pot so that the cheese fondue barely bubbles. Use fondue forks to dip toasted baguettes cubes in fondue sauce. Marry anyone who consistently buys you the ingredients.

TIDBITS

1) Dry sherry sounds wrong, kinda like dehydrated water.

2) To get water from dehydrated water, just add water.

3) A lot of shower water get wasted just waiting for it heat up.

4) Agriculture always needs more water.

5) But people like their hot showers.; won’t give them up.

6) The solution is to have the water that would normally go down the drain before the person gets in the shower be sent to the corn, wheat, rice, and lettuce fields of the world.

7) Of course, it would be impractical to build pipes from people’s showers to all the farms.

8) Instead, we must move everyone’s showers to the farms.

9) Commuting hours to our showers will be a hardship at first.

10) But things will get better when we move our homes, equipped with showers, to the farms.

11) But not entirely.

12) We will now face horrendous commutes to our jobs.

13) But that will get better when our factories move out to the farms as well.

14) Everything will be right next to us, our homes, our food, our employment, and our showers.

15) We won’t have to spend any more money on automobiles for commuting nor will we need trucks for shipping foods and merchandise.

16) We will have the money we spent or cars and trucks to buy things we really want.

17) The economy will boom.

18) With no gas being used on combustion engines, pollution and global warming will decline dramatically. The Earth will become a new Eden.

19) With little oil needed to make gasoline, there will be no need for nations to fight each other for that energy product. Putting all of humanity in these small farm/city/shower islands will free up previously used lands for all future and larger populations. An enduring peace will break out over the world.

20) No commuting and more income will mean that the two biggest stresses on the modern family disappear. Families will become bundles of happiness.

21) Teenagers will even clean their rooms.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Hungarian Burger Wrap Recipe

Hungarian Entree

HUNGARIAN BURGER WRAP

INGREDIENTSHungaBW-

1 1/2 medium onions
1 garlic clove
1 1/2 pounds ground beef
1/2 tablespoon paprika
1 teaspoon parsley
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
1/4 teaspoon thyme
1/3 cup sour cream
1/4 cup beef broth
8 large lettuce leaves

PREPARATION

Mince onion and garlic. In mixing bowl, make hamburger patties with beef, onion, garlic, paprika, parsley, pepper, sea salt, and sour cream. Fry patties in pan on medium-high heat for about 10 minutes. Flip patties over about every 3 minutes. Pour half of the beef broth on the burger each time you flip the burgers. This moistens the patties. (No, no I’m still not ready to use the word . . . moisturize.)
TIDBITS

1) Why does this recipe use lettuce wraps instead of hamburger buns?

2) I didn’t have any hamburger buns. I was just at the store and didn’t want to go back again and the patties were already cooked when I discovered the buns’ absence.

3) It would have been nice if the local supermarket could have catapulted some buns to me.

4) But they don’t have that service and seem positively disinclined to start catapulting anything to customers.

5) Besides what would happen if the catapulted burgers accidentally landed on a diver at a high-school swim meet? It would throw off his dive, give him a bad score and maybe cause his high school to lose.

6) And what if the catapulted hamburger buns triggered the army’s automatic missile defense system? The army’s intercepting missile would hit the buns. The buns would explode. Bun bits would coat houses all over the neighborhood.

7) The army would also assume we were under attack by a vicious unseen enemy. Our armed forces would go to the highest level of readiness possible.

8) Other nuclear nations would see this and believe we were preparing for a nuclear first strike.

9) They’d preempt our imagined nuclear strike with one of their own.

10) We’d retaliate. It’d be the end of the world.

11) All because I wanted buns when I could have made do with lettuce leaves.

12) Lettuce is no threat at all to cause nuclear war. It provides fiber as well!

13) Yay, lettuce.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Potato-Bean Tostada Recipe

Mexican Entree

POTATO-BEAN TOSTADAS

INGREDIENTSPotBeTo-

4 russet potatoes
1 14.5 ounce can refried beans
1/2 cup milk
1 medium onion
2 Roma tomatoes
2 teaspoons cumin
1 1/2 teaspoons Meat MagicTM spice
1 1/2 cup grated Four Mexican cheeses
8 tostada shells
1 1/2 cups lettuce
1 1/2 cups salsa
PREPARATION

Put water in large pot until water level exceeds the height of a potato on its side. Heat water on high setting. Peel potatoes. Cut them into eighths. Put potato pieces into large pot. Cook for about 10 minutes or until water is boiling.

While water is boiling, mince the onion and dice the tomatoes. Mix together refried beans and milk in sauce. Cook beans on medium heat for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally to avoid burning. After water comes to a boil, start mashing the potatoes with a potato masher. Mash until the potatoes have the consistency of mashed potatoes and excess water has boiled off. (This should take about 10 minutes.) Shred lettuce by hand or chop into medium-sized pieces with a knife.

Lazy Susans are fantastic. (See the Lazy Susan in the above picture.). Fill the sections with refried beans, mashed potatoes, onion, tomatoes, cheese, lettuce, and salsa. This makes it simple for your guests to make their own tostadas.

TIDBITS

1) The tostada shells are not in this recipe’s photo. They were camera shy.

2) Mr. Eastman is a big name in the development of the camera.

3) Kodiak bears are big as well.

4) But they never developed a camera, preferring to spend their time fishing instead.

5) Give a man fish for lunch and you’ve fed him once.

7) Teach a man to fish and you’ve fed him for a lifetime.

8) Unless he doesn’t have a fishing rod or doesn’t live near water.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cheese-Egg Salad

American Entree

CHEESE-EGG SALAD

INGREDIENTSChEgSal-

1 head iceberg lettuce
4 hard-boiled eggs
1 1/2 cups Four Mexican cheeses
1 cup ranch dressing

PREPARATION

Wash the head of lettuce. Peel off any wilted leaves.

Chop up the head of lettuce. (Can you “chop down” a head of lettuce?) This is one of the few times where chopping by hand is far preferred to a food processor. A salad shouldn’t have minuscule strips of lettuce.

Mash or dice the peeled hard-boiled eggs. Again, go for medium size bits. Add the egg bits to the lettuce while they are still warm. Mix in the cheese and dressing.

Simple and tasty.

TIDBITS

1) People from Wisconsin are called “cheese heads.”

2) Nowhere are folks known as “egg-salad heads.”

3) I used to bicycle from Madison, Wisconsin to the tiny town of Paoli to get fresh Swiss cheese.

4) Oh, and I bicycled back, too.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Greek Wraps

Greek Entree

GREEK WRAPS

INGREDIENTS

1 head lettuce
1 pound ground pork
1/2 pound ground beef
1 1/2 teaspoon Meat MagicTM spice
1 1/2 teaspoon coriander
Greek cucumber sauce or tzatziki sauce from previous recipe

PREPARATION

This dish works best with the outer, larger leaves of lettuce. Be sure to wash the lettuce and remove any leaves with brown spots.

Mix pork, beef, meat spice, and coriander. Cook meat until browned. Tear off one or two leaves of lettuce. Put about 3 or 4 spoonfuls meat on the leaves, but not so much that you cannot roll up the leaves.

Put about two spoonfuls cucumber sauce on top. Roll up the lettuce leaves so no meat shows. Hold at one end to keep the sauce from dripping out. Eat at the other end.

This is a tasty and healthy variation on gyros.

TIDBITS

1) Lettuce grew as a weed long before anyone ate it.

2) But if lettuce flourished as a weed, then why is it so hard to grow deliberately?

3) I think the definition of a weed is something that grows without help.

4) Food is something that is difficult to grow.

5) There is a town in northern California called Weed.

6) Columbus brought lettuce to the Americas.

7) Spanish explorers brought potatoes back from the Americas. Fair trade, you think?

8) There is no eighth tidbit. My computer decided to update my software at this point.

– Chef Paul

Cookbook&4Novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, history, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Pasta Salad

Italian Entree

PASTA SALAD

INGREDIENTS

6 ounces tri-colored Rotelle pasta
1/2 head iceberg lettuce
1 green bell pepper
1 14.5 ounce can diced tomatoes
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup mayonnaise

PREPARATION

Cook pasta according to instructions, or boil pasta for about 7 minutes. Shred lettuce. Dice bell pepper. Do not drain diced tomatoes. Drain pasta. Let it cool. Add all ingredients to large salad bowl. Mix ingredients.

(Almost as simple as cooking a Pop TartTM but with the virtuous feeling that can only come from eating fruits and vegetables.)

TIDBITS

1) Apparently a Roman general saw a goat eating lettuce. He said, “Like lips, like lettuce” and burst out laughing for the only time in his life.

2) My Roman History professor in college laughed for the only time over this one as well.

3 My friend and I tried to get a t-shirt made for the professor, with the apparently hilarious joke written in Latin.

4) But it cost too much money, so he didn’t get the shirt.

5) I had a superstition about tests.

6) If I studied enough, I would get an “A.”

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Turkey Burgers From Cookbook

American Entree

TURKEY BURGERS

INGREDIENTSTurkBur-

1 1/2 pounds of ground turkey meat
1 onion
1/4 green bell peppers
2 green onion stalks
2 tablespoons garlic salt
1/2 tablespoons cumin
8 potato hamburger buns – top and bottom
1/4 head of lettuce, washed
1 cup of grated four-cheese blend
1 ketchup bottle
water
extra virgin olive oil

SPECIALTY UTENSILS
spatula
sonic obliterator
four-slice toaster

TOASTING THE BUNS

You really need a four-slice toaster. You simply cannot feed turkey burgers to a hungry horde of anguine’s with a two-hole toaster. Don’t do four bun halves, two whole buns, and rest on your laurels.

(You say you need more immediate motivation? Pretend the members of your brood have become ravenous cannibals ready to sink their razor-sharp canines into your haunches unless they get their turkey burgers.) Keep on toasting.

(And DON’T, DON’T, microwave anything while toasting. You’ll trip your circuit breaker and you’ll have to dash outside and flip the circuits. This is one reason against cooking in the nude. The other being that grease splatters.)

PREPARING THE ONION

Remove the skin. It adds nothing to the taste, is papery, and gets stuck between your teeth. How can you concentrate on your boss’s story about mango harvesting in Tahiti when you have onion skin between your first and second molars annoying the heck out of you? Remove the skin, now.

Also cut off the root part at the bottom. It’s edible ,I suppose, but hardly tasty. If the onion has a big, green sprout in the middle, it’s because you bought it when Nixon was in office and is no longer edible.

PREPARING THE GREEN BELL PEPPERS

It really helps if you have a prepared green bell pepper left over from last night’s culinary extravaganza, made from the chapter on stuffed green peppers, for example. If not, cut the top off the green bell pepper and discard, or at least discard the stem. Scoop out the innards of the pepper seeds and those four vertical, soft whitish columns and throw them away. Chop up the pepper and put it in a pan. Coat the pieces with olive oil. Use extra-virgin olive oil. (That’s the most virgin you can get, unless you went through school studying economics.)

Cook the green bell pepper. This process is called sauteeing. (See, you’re picking up the vocabulary. Mais oui. C’est magnifique, n’est ce pas? Ho, ho, ho.)

CHOPPING UP THE VEGGIES

You really must get yourself a food processor, big or small, one with two little whirling blades. This little gizmo will make chopping up or mincing the veggies so much faster than cutting them up with a knife. If your knife is blunt, this task takes forever. And a sharp knife is just too tempting for a spouse sulking over your latest big purchase.

Get a food processor. Mince the green onions. Mince the onions. Onions are big. Be sure to cut it up into at least four sections before putting it into the processor. Chop up the bell peppers.

SPICING

The above list of spices assumes you like the same amount of spices as I do. So experiment. Once you become adept at cooking, you’ll be able to smell the correct amount of spice to add as you mix.

PREPARING THE BURGER

Get a big bowl. Put the ingredients except the bun and water into it. Mix. Mix with your hands until everything is thoroughly mixed. Your hands will get extremely messy.

(Midway through the mixing is, of course, the time someone will knock on your front door to ask you if you want your trees trimmed, even if you don’t have any. In the meantime you have dropped turkey meat all over that hard-to-justify-buying Persian carpet and of course, on the front doorknob.

This is the time to say, “Excuse me, I’ll just be a moment.” Go back to the kitchen table, pick up the sonic obliterator, and annihilate the would-be tree trimmer. Wipe up and pick up all bits of turkey meat on the way back to the kitchen.)

THE TURKEY-BURGER PATTIES

Make four patties and put them in your pan. The patties should not be much bigger than your spatula or they might fall apart when turned over.

Turn the heat to high to get things going and gradually turn it down to medium or medium high. The higher you set the temperature, the more closely you’ll need to watch the patties and turn them over.

Turkey meat turns white when cooked. The outside turns white before the inside does. So how do you know when it’s done? It’s perfectly acceptable for a chef, particularly one that’s starting out, to cut a small piece near the edge and look at it and taste it. If the inside of the piece is white, then it is done. Remember, if no one saw you taste the burger, then it didn’t happen.

(By the way, it is a matter between you and your God about what to do if you should drop an entire patty on the floor. Consider the cleanliness of your floor and the likeability of your guests in making your decision.)

You must flip the burgers repeatedly with your spatula. If you do not do so, the water will rise to the top of the burger and evaporate, making the burger too dry to eat. Flipping puts the water that has almost escaped on the bottom of the burger again.

Consider occasionally sprinkling water on top of the patty and pouring a thin layer of water into the pan. This adds moisture to the burger and a moist burger is a yummy burger.

ASSEMBLING THE TURKEY BURGER

Put the bottom bun–it’s flat–on the plate. Put the cooked patty on the bun and the lettuce atop the patty. (There are some heretics who put the lettuce on first, but they are being hunted down without mercy.) Sprinkle the cheese on next. If you are adventurous, pour on some ketchup. Place the top bun–-it’s dome- shaped–-on next.

You are now a culinary hero to your guests.

TIDBITS

1)A Hamburger is someone from Hamburg, Germany. The term “hamburger” derives from this city. A Berliner is someone from Berlin. Berliner is also the name of a jelly doughnut. Some people think when President Kennedy said in that famous Cold War speech, “Ich bin ein Berliner,” he was actually saying, “I am a jelly doughnut.”

2) The first official listing of a hamburger on a menu occurred at Delmonico’s in New York in 1826.

3) Cheeseburger In Paradise is a great song.

4) “A turkey” is not someone from Turkey. It is a bowling term.

4) The turkey was one of the first animals in North America to be domesticated.

5) Turkeys were called turkeys in the 1500s by English merchants because they thought turkeys came from India and that Turkey owned India. Bozos.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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