Posts Tagged With: cell phone

De Lancey’s Fun Festival Tours of Finland

Posted on November 19, 2022 by pauldelancey

Aamu, your tour guide

Come with me and see the fun festivals of Finland.

June – Mosquito Swatting Championships – The Swedish town of Övertorneå holds its own event when the town was denied permission to use chemicals to kill the little, flying biters. So the good Swedes made a festival about killing the pests. Contestants here get 15 minutes to kill mosquitos. The record for this town is 135. Finland has its own such festival, which is held sometime during the mosquito season.

Mid June – Swamp Soccer World Cup – Love soccer? Lover a shorter game? Love mud?  Head on over to Hyrynsalmi, Finland.  200-to-300 teams from all over the world compete.  There are five different ways to compete: men’s, women’s, mixed, men’s hobby, and Masters of Swamp. Six players are on each side. Each half lasts for 12 minutes. There are no offside penalties. This is fantastic for all those who never understood the rule in the first place.

Summer – Ant Nest Sitting Festivals – Finland hosts Ant Nest Sitting Competitions. Contestants sit on an ant hill for as long as they can stand the ant bites. This competition is held all over the country during the summer months. It truly helps to have a high threshold for pain or an ass harder than bronze.

Summer – Wife Carrying Championships – It’s in Sonkajaarvi, Finland Sonkajaarvi, Finland Couples race around a track well stocked with obstacles such as logs and a deep pool. At one time, the woman in the event had to be the man’s wife, but neighboring women are allowed. The designated wife must weigh 49 kilograms or 108 pounds. You might think a good wife for this race would be as tiny as possible. But no, the winners earn the wife’s weight in beer.

July – Cattle Calling Championship – Can’t speak Finnish, but still love to make yourself heard? Alapitka, Finland, puts on the renowned Cattle Calling Championship. Techniques of the champions are closely guarded secrets. However, successful participants tend to know the names of the cows. Courtesy while chatting with your cow goes a long way to winning the championship.

Early July – Finnish Dialect Speaking Championship – You say you want to attend a contest that is conceptually easy to win? One that’s not physically demanding? Then the Finnish Dialect Speaking Championship in Kuopio is the event for you. Keep in mind, past winners tend to possess a strong command of this Nordic language.

August – Finish Sauna World Championship – Held in Heinola, Finland. Simply stay the longest inside Finnish sauna in a temperature of 110 degrees centigrade, 240 degrees Fahrenheit. Maybe you have a competitive nature, while having the inactive disposition of a rock. Then this competition is for you. Compete! Maybe you like the idea of thousands of spectators and TV audiences watching your nearly naked, sweaty body, covered with only a towel. Compete! It’s held in August, when it’s outside anyway.

Mid August – Cell Phone Tossing – Be sure to make your way to Savonlinna, Finland during mid August for its prestigious Cell Phone Throwing Championship. The traditional part has participants throwing the cell phones over their shoulders. The longest toss wins. Cranky folks, such as myself, who have never quite adjusted to the new technology and hurl one phone after another, are usually the tournament favorites.  However, in 2012. it was a well-adjusted man named Eric Karjalainon won. He said he prepared for this event mostly by drinking.

Late August – Air Guitar World Final –  Air guitar enthusiasts won’t want to miss the Air Guitar season. Prestigious events are held in Germany along with Japan’s own elimination tournament. However, the crème de la crème of air guitardom is the World Final, held in Oulu, Finland. The Final’s aim is to promote world peace. With this in mind, organizers have banned holding a gun while performing your air-guitar number. The winner goes home with the unique Flying Finn guitar, handmade by the great Mr. Matti Nevalainen. Dedicated air-guitar fans really must obtain advanced tickets to the VIP Area. These tickets give you the best views of the stage and a truly tasty buffet well stocked with local delicacies.

Note: festival dates are prone to change. Check before you book. You don’t want to lug your air guitar all the way to Finland only to discover the Air Guitar World Final took place a week ago.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Advertisement
Categories: travel | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Are You a Driving Dick?

Posted on October 17, 2021 by pauldelancey

Do you make other drivers’ lives miserable and dangerous? Take this test and find out.

Do you:

1) Do you occasionally run red lights? (2 points)

2) Do you routinely run red lights? (4 points)

3) Bonus points for question 2). Give yourself (2 extra points) for every car that run the red light before you? For example, if 4 cars run the red light before you do, then you get 4 * 2 = 8 points.

4) Do you routinely go 10 mph above the speed limit? (1 point)

5) Do you routinely go 20 mph above the speed limit? (3 points)

6) Do you routinely go 30 mph, or more, above the speed limit? (If yes, please stop taking the test. There’s no point to it. Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron is already on its way to have a “chat” with you. Best notify your next of kin to stay inside until its over.)

7) Park in handicapped parking when you are totally healthy, just because you won’t be there long? (1 points)

8) Back out of your parking spot without looking, because who could have possibly expected other cars to be in a fast-food restaurant’s parking lot? (1 point)

9) Text while driving? (2 points)

10) Not signal when turning? (1 point)

11) Not signal when changing lanes? (1 point)

12) Not a point observation but, OMG, did you not get the “blinker package when you bought the car?

13) For every lane changed above 1. (1 point) For example, you changed 3 lanes above 1 on a freeway. You get 3 – 1 = 2 points.

14) Slow do to 35 mph before exiting the freeway. (1 point)

15) Honk at other drivers? (1 point) Clarification, this only applies to road rage, not when you’re warning the other car that had you in its blind spot.

16) A car is patiently waiting at an intersection for a break in the traffic. You pull up enough to block that driver’s view. (1 point)

17) Sell lutefisk? (2 points) Sorry, this really isn’t a car question. I just really hate the food.

18) Pass by the menu at the drive-through lane, then take your time to decide at the to-go window?

19) Does your car spew great clouds of smog? (2 points)

20) Cut people off? (3 points)

21) Give others the finger? (1)

************************************************************************

What does your total score mean?

0 points: You are in no way a driving dick. In fact, you will go straight to Heaven when you die.

1-8 points: It’s still okay for you to drive without supervision. Think about your dickish traits and how you can overcome them.

9-16 points: Cause for alarm. You may still drive unattended. You will, however, be under constant surveillance.

17-24 points: You’re awful. You must post a bond before you hit the road. The bond will be forfeited to your surrounding motorists

25-32: You’re nearly erect. You must post a double bond before driving. You must also be accompanied by a guard who will taze you everytime you earn another point. (After he makes you pull over, of course.)

33+: You throbbing dick! You will not be allowed to drive at all. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate your foot if you do . A drone strike will obliterate you once you step outside.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., concerned motorist

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: are you a dick | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Fun Festivals – Cell Phone Tossing

Posted on July 16, 2021 by pauldelancey

Anja Heino practices tossing cell phones

Be sure to make your way to Savonlinna, Finland during mid August* for its prestigious Cell Phone Throwing Championship. The traditional part has participants throwing the cell phones over their shoulders. The longest toss wins. Cranky folks, such as myself, who have never quite adjusted to the new technology and hurl one phone after another, are usually the tournament favorites.  However, in 2012. it was a well-adjusted man named Eric Karjalainon won. He said he prepared for this event mostly by drinking.

Artistic types will be drawn to the freestyle cell-phone tossing part of the championship. Participants are judged by their creativity. Contestants have been known to do acrobatics or juggling while throwing their cell phones.

Cell-phone-throwing mania is going global, having caught in the rest of Europe and in the United States. This would be one Olympic event I’d watch. Contact the proper agency for rules of competition. As of press time, Nokia is still not an official sponsor.

* = August is almost upon us. Make you travel arrangements right away!

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., travel guru

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: fun festivals, things to see and do | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Am a Fashion Model – Tote Bag and Cell Phone

Posted on June 3, 2021 by pauldelancey

The very latest fashions are in from the center of fashion, Montenegro! Montenegro is hip! Montenegro is now! Montenegro is wow! Montenegro is a small country near Italy and Albania.

Montenegro may be small in size, but it’s huge in the fashion accessory industry. You know the saying, As go Montenegro’s fashions, so go the World’s.

What are the fashion geniuses of Montenegro telling us? Why, accessories, accessories, accessories. And if you’re going out in public, you simply must accessorize with a tote bag and cell phone.

Not just any cell phone and tote bag. No, no, no, no, no. The cell phone simply must come in a blue-and-black protective case if you want to be chic and current. And if  you really want to stand apart from the teeming masses of fashionista wannabes, buy yourself a cat tote bag from the House of Kotor. Buy this, buy this, buy this. Take out a second mortgage if need be, but buy a Kotor Cat tote bag.

Buy these fashion musts right now, before fashions change again.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., fashionisto

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: fashion, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Bad Advice Friday, 5-12-17

Posted on May 12, 2017 by pauldelancey

Oh my gosh. It’s Friday already. Did you know there’s one every week? So, I shall once more be dispensing bad advice As usual, the advice will stupendously bad.
************************

JW asks: Should I really call my mom, or get her a gift or card, or visit her, or any of those other mother’s day things?

Dear JW: I think you should give the Mothers’ Day of Benedict Cummerbund. He’s handsome as anything, he’s rich, he has a career, what more could mother want? Ask Benadryl Cuminpatch if he’d like to spend the rest of his life with Mom. You’ll have to ask Benpicked Cucumber nicely as he is, as indeed all celebrities, used to people gushing up to him. If a lifetime commitment is too much, would he be willing to do whatever Mom wanted for one day. Should he complain of lost income from his movies, you’ll just have to rob banks until you’ve accumulated $100 million. Oh, and a grilled cheese sandwich. Make sure the cheese is gruyère. Celebrities have expenses tastes. This will be a Mothers’ Day Mom will never forget.

************************

SL Red, purple, or green?

Dear SL: The White House has been that uninspired white ever since its construction. I applaud your desire to spiff up the world’s most recognized building, to give it some character, to have some fun. Since, the color of the Republican party is often thought to be red, it would good to paint the White House red. I strongly suggest using spray paint for the job as the Secret Service is not going to give you much time to do a professional job with a roller and a paint brush. Indeed, they apt to be rather cross with you while hauling you away to ask such questions such as, “How did you get over the fence and so close to the White House without being spotted?” You’ll be able to answer with, “Why I went to the nearest circus and bought a cannon from the Human Cannonball. I then shot myself and my paint.” Maybe that will impress them. It’s worth a shot. (See what I did there?)

************************

JCA asks: Mayo, or Miracle Whip? Not for food, but for bedroom fun. (Asking for a friend).

Dear JCA: My natural inclination as a chef is to suggest mayonnaise as it is a purer food and less likely to be a chemical sh*tstorm. Indeed, try to get mayonnaise with all natural ingredients. Let’s keep our planet green. However in this case, spreadability and lubrication will be prized more than it would be in making a tuna sandwich, I suggest the scientific method. Have two bedroom romps with each volunter. Ask them if they preferred the mayonnaise experience or the one with Miracle WhipTM. You might need hundreds of volunteer partners before you become quite confident in your results. Should you have a spouse who balks at your scientific zeal, you might need to present your sweetheart with a nice box of chocolates and some lovely flowers when asking their permission. Oh, and make sure you always use fresh mayonnaise and Cool Whip. You don’t want to get false responses from your volunteers because you used something rancid. Check those expiration dates.

************************

KGV states: Thanks for the reminder. Being retired, I easily forget which day of the week we are celebrating.

Dear KGV: It is easy to forget the day of the week, isn’t it? Buy yourself a $600 cell phone, one that shows the day of the week. You don’t have to use the phone for anything. If opening the cell phone just to find the day of the week seems a bit weird, hire a butler. The butler will follow you around and will be pleased to tell what day it is no how many times you ask.

************************

LF asks: Why do ticks tick?

Dear LF: Not all ticks tick, only the explosive ones. Explosiveness was a defensive trait evolved by ticks during the Cretaceous period. Ticks of that time were forever getting trampled underfoot by tyrannosaurus rexes hot on the pursuit of a brontosaurus burger. A tick scout would raise the alarm whenever a T-rex approached. The explosive ticks would rush the killer dinosaur and explode themselves. The explosion would kill the tyrannosaurus, but the rest of the tick colony would be saved. Sure it would take a lot of ticks to fell a mighty Rex, but holy moly, there are a boatload of ticks. There’s a practical use to this as well. North Korea has not acting at all neighborly lately. To help the world, get on the plane to North Korea with a carry-on bag full of explosive ticks. Don’t worry about TSA, the ticks aren’t metallic and aren’t even on any list of prohibited items. The North Koreans, being a wary sort, might ask you what’s in your bag. They might even open your bag and ask, “What are those ticks doing?” You should say, “I don’t know. Do ticks talk?” (See what I did there?) Then head to the nearest military installation, the one where you can do the most damage. Tell the ticks that those North Korean missiles or fighter planes are T-Rexes. The ticks will blow up the entire installation or base. Oh I forgot, the North Korea security is a distrustful lot. Try to blend in as you make your way through the countryside.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: bad advice Friday | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

My Resolutions for 2017

Posted on December 31, 2016 by pauldelancey

Every one should have goals. Otherwise, how can we improve ourselves? Here are my resolutions for the new year.

  1. Never eat lutefisk.nemesis
  2. Never eat mushrooms.
  3. Nap only when I’m asleep.
  4. Understand my new cell phone.
  5. Take advantage of the amazing healing properties of tacos.
  6. Kill no one blocking the aisles in a supermarket with their cart.
  7. Double my Slovenian vocabulary.
  8. Understand my new cell phone.
  9. Lose weight, gain weight, or stay the same.
  10. Avoid fomenting revolution.
  11. Do better on Dancing With the StarsTM or at least no worse.
  12. Understand my new cell phone.
  13. Read books.
  14. Not get angry at other drivers. This will entail baby steps. I will start from the inside of my home and work my way up to the road.
  15. Make a recipe from Croatia.
  16. Understand my new cell phone.
  17. Conduct more gravitational experiments. No, no, not the same thing as dropping things. Not the same thing at all.
  18. Become one with a bubble bath.
  19. Master tiramisu.
  20. Understand my new cell phone.
  21. Watch the last season of “How I Met Your Mother.” It’s good to see things through. Builds character.
  22. Write in complete sentences.
  23. Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cut in half diagonally.
  24. Understand my new cell phone.

Wish me luck.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Are You A Restaurant Dick?

Posted on September 6, 2016 by pauldelancey

Are you a restaurant dick? Do you make other diners so miserable that they wish they were at the dentist instead? Take this test and find out.

Do you:restaurantdck

1) Yell at the waitress? (1 point)

2) Have the waiter take your picture, but don’t tip extra? (1 point)

3) Use the restaurant’s free wi-fi long after you’ve finished your meal even though the place is jammed and don’t extra-tip the waitress? (2 points)

4) Sit at a table with a friend for several hours drinking cup after cup of coffee, only to leave a 50 cent tip? (2 points)

5) Not tip the waitperson anything? (2 points)

6) Leave a note explaining you, “I can no longer afford” to leave tips (although you can still eat out) because the state raised taxes to help the poor? (1 point)

7) Do the same as 6) but say, “I don’t tip illegal Muslim immigrants to a Catholic waiter from Arizona? (2 points)

8) Pinch the waitperson’s behind? (2 points)

9) Have the pianist/singer/other musicians perform a special request for you and don’t give them a tip? (2 points)

10) Ask the singer/pianist/other musicians to be quiet so that someone at your table can read a special poem or other piece of sappy literature for the benefit of someone else at your table? (1 point)

11) Talk on your cell phone at your table? (1 point)

12) And so loudly that nearby people’s heads explode? (1 point)

13) And at fancy restaurant where people are trying to celebrate an anniversary? (1 point)

14) Constantly send back food, but never compliment the chef? (1 point)

15) Order for your partner without even consulting? (1 point)

16) Wait in line at McDonald’s for ten minutes and look at the menu above for the first time when you get to the cashier? (1 point)

17) Take two spots when parking your car? (1 point)

18) Bring a screaming child to a fancy restaurant where people are trying to be romantic and propose and other adult things? (1 point)

19) Make no attempt to take your shrieking baby outside or quiet it in anyway? (1 point)

20) Do nothing when your older kids throw tantrums? (1 point)

21) Make no attempt to corral your free-range children? (1 point)

22) Bring all the neighbor’s kids, making prevention of school-recess behavior impossible? (1 point)

23) Man-spread on the waiting seats? (1 point)

24) Loudly blow you nose? (1 point)

25) Pick your nose? (1 point)

26) Clear your throat like you are hacking up a lung? (2 points)

27) Talk loudly about your stomach surgery? (2 points)

28) Brush your hair at the table? (2 points)

29) Wear so much perfume or cologne that it destroys the taste of the food for everyone around? (2 points)

30) Set phone and/or keys on the table, because you’re frickin’ BatmanTM, and Commissioner Gordon needs to know you’re at the ready? (1 point)

31) Insist on dividing the check evenly between everyone at the table, even if there are people who did not expect this and whose meals cost considerably less than the average? (2 points)

32) Show up smelling like an unhygienic Dragon ConTM attendee? (1 point)

33) Talk with food in your mouth and smack, slobber, and slurp? (1 point)

34) Use profanity in conversion? (1 point)

35) Shout your conversation? (1 point)

36) Ask for an unlisted appetizer or entree? (1 point)

37) Order a signature entree, but making so many changes that it’s now an entirely different dish. (no mushrooms, chicken instead of shrimp, hold some of the onions but not all, baked instead of broiled, add blue cheese sprinkles but not too much, “instead of angel hair pasta, can I get that other kind?”) (1 point)

38) After 36) or 37), complain loudly and demand to speak to the owner? (1 point)

39) After 36) or 37), stiff the server? (1 point)

***********************************************************************

What does your total score mean?

0 points: You are in no way a restaurant dick. Congratulations.

1-3 points: It’s still okay for you go into a restaurant unsupervised. See a doctor about your dickish traits while they’re still treatable. You will be seated by the kitchen.

4-6 points: Cause for alarm. You may still enter a restaurant unattended. You will, however, be seated right by the men’s restroom.

7-9 points: You’re awful. You will be given a menu consisting only of kale/beet juice and lutefisk.

10-12 points: Your groin is starting to tingle! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. The greeter will taze you if you try.

13-15 points: You’re nearly erect! You will have your have your mouth wired shut .

16-18 points: You dick! Stiffed waitresses will circumcise you. They’ll finally get their tip.

21 points and up: You throbbing dick! You will not be allowed inside any restaurant. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate you if you even try.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: food, humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Are You a Supermarket Dick?

Posted on August 30, 2016 by pauldelancey

Are you a supermarket dick? Do you make other shoppers’ time in the store miserable? Take this test and find out.BlockingAisle

Do you:

1) Block the aisle with your cart? (2 points)

2) Still leave your cart in the way, even when you see someone coming toward you? (1 point)

3) Keep the doors to the refrigerated section open so long that they frost over? (1 point)

4) Wait until the cashier has given you your total to start filling in your check? Presumably you knew the name of the store, the date, and even your name when you got in line. (2 points)

5) Write a check? It’s no longer the 20th century. (1 point. 0 points if you can’t get a credit card.)

6) Walk down the middle of the aisle with your cart? This is a mobile version of 1). (1 point)

7) Spend five minutes individually examining every green bean before making your selection? (1 point)

8) Steal a grape and then ask the store to pay for your tooth repair when you didn’t read the stupid sign that said SEEDED. (1 point)

9) Wait until you are in the middle of checking out before asking the cashier product questions? (1 point)

10) Unload thirty or more items at the “15 items or fewer line?” (2 points)

11)Talk loudly in your cell phone all the time? (1 point)

12) Yell at the low-paid store employees? (3 points)

13) Ram someone’s heel with your shopping car? (1 point)

14) Say, “You should have moved faster.” when the person yelps in pain? (1 point)

15) Pile your stuff on the belt before the person in front of you has finished unloading hers? (1 point)

16) Walk off with someone else’s cart? (1 point)

17) Bring out a fistful of paper coupons and argue over an expired one for 25 cents? (2 points)

18) Bring your whole family with you, so multiple people can block the aisle? (1 point)

19) Have kids shrieking all the time and do nothing to stop them? (2 points)

20) Let your kids play tag around the checkout lanes as they squeeze themselves between other people’s carts? (1 point)

21) Leave the line when the cashier is almost done checking you out because you forgot something? (1 point)

22) Interrupt someone’s transaction with the checker to ask about the whereabouts of the Spanish organic wine…and when told, replying, “yes but it’s red wine, I want white wine?” (1 point)

23) Eat out of the bulk bins? (1 point)

.
************************************************************************

What does your total score mean?

0 points: You are in no way a supermarket dick. Congratulations.

1-4 points: It’s still okay for you go into a store unsupervised. See a doctor about your dickish traits while they’re still treatable.

5-8 points: Cause for alarm. You may still enter a supermarket unattended. You will, however, be under constant surveillance.

9-12 points: You’re awful. You must post a bond before you enter any supermarket. The bond will be forfeited to your surrounding shoppers, should you ever run up a score of nine or more points.

13-16: You’re nearly erect. You must post a double bond before going into any supermarket. You must also be accompanied by a guard who will taze if you accumulate a score of thirteen or more points.

17-31: You dick! You will not be allowed inside any store. You will be fitted with an ankle device that will incinerate you if you enter any supermarket.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Finnish Dilled Beef Stew

Posted on March 28, 2014 by pauldelancey

Finnish Entree

DILLED BEEF STEW
(Tilliliha)

INGREDIENTSDilledBeef-

3 pounds boneless chuck roast
1 onion
3 tablespoons butter
3 ½ cups beef broth
1 teaspoon allspice
½ tablespoon coarsely ground pepper
1 bay leaf
½ teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons flour
2 ½ teaspoons sugar
2 ½ teaspoons red wine vinegar
½ cup cream
4 teaspoons dill

SPECIAL UTENSIL

Dutch oven

Serves 6 (How big are your bowls?) Takes 2 hours 15 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cut chuck roast into 1″ cubes. Mince onion. Put roast and butter into Dutch oven. Sauté for 5-to-10 minutes on medium-high heat or until chuck-roast cubes turn brown. Stir occasionally. Add beef broth and bring to boil. Reduce heat to low. Add onion, allspice, pepper, bay leaf, and salt. Cover and simmer on low heat for 90 minutes. Skim off foam as it occurs. Remove meat from Dutch oven and set aside.

Add flour, sugar, and red wine vinegar to broth and increase heat to medium. Stir continually until sauce thickens. Add cream and dill. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally.

TIDBITS

1) Ronkainen, a legendary Finnish robber of the 1700s, had would-be gang members carry a heavy woman over an obstacle course to prove their strength. The annual wife-carrying championships in Sonkajaarvi, Finland derive from this test. Wife carrying is not an Olympic sport. However, synchronized swimming is.

2) Finns excel at non-traditional sports as well. Be sure to make your way to Savonlinna, Finland during August for its prestigious Cell Phone Throwing Championship. Participants throw the cell phones over their shoulders and are judged by distance and techniques. Cell-phone-throwing mania is going global having caught in the rest of Europe and in the United States. This would be one Olympic event I would watch. Contact the proper agency for rules of competition. Despite the obvious tie in, I don’t believe Nokia is an official sponsor.

3) Air guitar enthusiasts won’t want to miss the Air Guitar season. Prestigious events are held in Germany along with Japan’s own elimination tournament. However, the crème de la crème of air guitardom is the World Final, held in Oulu, Finland in late August. Don’t forget to pack your air guitar or you’ll be forced to buy one at the local Ouluan shops and you’ll know what high prices you’ll see there.

4) The Mosquito Swatting Championship is held each year in Finland. Contestants try to swat the most mosquitoes in 5 minutes. Over thirty is a good number. I don’t know when the event takes place, but I imagine it is in the mosquito season. Visitors who attract mosquitoes like flies, hee hee, will be asked to sit in the back rows as the mosquitoes biting them diminish the number of mosquitoes available to the contestants.

5) Finland hosts the Ant Nest Sitting Competition. Athletes–whom am I kidding?–sit on an ant hill for as long as they can stand the ant bites. Okay, this one is weird.

6) Relax while competing! Enter the Finnish Sauna World Championship Simply stay the longest inside Finnish sauna in a temperature 110 degrees centigrade, 240 degrees fahrenheit. Held in August in Heinola, Finland, this contest makes a natural companion to tourists taking in the Air Guitar final.

7) Love soccer? Love mud? Head on over to Hyrynsalmi., Finland where over 200 teams from all over the world vie to win the Swamp Soccer World Cup. It’s held during Finland’s mud season.

8) If the idea of bodies writhing in mud gets you hot and bothered, be sure to take in the Kutemajarvi Sex Festival and Matchmaking Festival held in the towns Kangasniemi and Kurikka, Finland. If you are interested, please visit the Rakkausfestivalli’s website where a knowledge of the Finnish language helps a lot.

9) Speaking of speaking Finnish, consider attending the Finnish Dialect Speaking Championship held in early July in Kuopio, Finland. Past winners have usually demonstrated a strong command of this Nordic language.

10) Can’t speak Finnish, but still love to make yourself heard? Alapitka, Finland, puts on the renowned Cattle Calling Championship. Techniques of the champions are closely guarded secrets.

11) Lost at the Cattle Calling Championship? Want to take out your frustration from months of wasted practice? Redeem yourself by entering Milk Stool Throwing contests held all over rural Finland in early summer.

12) But above all else behave yourself while visiting Finland. Finnish prisoners are only allowed to use the sauna once a week. Scared straight, you bet.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Modern Love

Posted on March 13, 2012 by pauldelancey

Recently, I was in the men’s room at an airport. A man walked into a stall and closed the door. He immediately got on his cell phone. I didn’t listen in on the conversation and was in a foul mood anyway, having just gone through a long line at airport security. Then the man in the stall said, “I love you, sweetheart.”

Wow! True love. True love. Most men would have waited to call their sweethearts until they had pooped and wiped, but not for this Romeo. His love for his amour was so great he just had to tell her that very moment. He had shunned the hustle and bustle of every day and would no doubt leave the stall a fulfilled man.

Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the roses.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: love, obsevations | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: