Posts Tagged With: culinary

Brined Turkey Breast.

American Entree

BRINED TURKEY BREAST

INGREDIENTS – BRINE

1 gallon ice-cold water
2 bay leaves
2 garlic cloves
1 teaspoon peppercorns
1 teaspoon allspice
½ teaspoon mustard
1 teaspoon rosemary
1½ cups coarse salt
½ cup light brown sugar
½ cup white sugar
½ teaspoon thyme
8 pounds thawed turkey breast (for love of God, Montressor, the turkey must be thawed)

INGREDIENTS – COOKING TURKEY

¼ cup butter
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
2-to-3 cups chicken broth

SPECIAL UTENSILS

really big pot, 8+ gallons, or turkey bag
spice grinder
large oven-safe pan or casserole dish
wire rack
meat thermometer

Serves 12. Takes 15-to-24 hours

PREPARATION – THAWING TURKEY

A large frozen item like a turkey requires at least a day (24 hours) to defrost in the refrigerator for every 5 pounds of weight.

If you are pressed for time, use this quicker defrosting method. Keep turkey in packaging and add it to a large pot. Cover turkey with ice-cold water. Let turkey sit in cold water for 30 minutes per pound. In this recipe, that would be 4 hours. Pour out water.

But the turkey must be thawed before cooking. Or there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

PREPARATION – BRINE

Crumble bay leaves. Mince garlic cloves. Grind peppercorns. Remove packaging from turkey and rinse in cold water. Add brine ingredients except turkey to pot. Stir until salt and sugar dissolve. Add turkey. Add ice-cold water as needed to cover turkey. Cover pot or close turkey bag and refrigerate for at least 12 hours but not more than 24.

PREPARATION – COOKING TURKEY

Remove turkey from brine and pat dry. Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Put turkey in large pan. Melt butter. Brush melted butter onto turkey. Sprinkle pepper and salt onto turkey. Place wire rack in pan. Put turkey on rack. Put meat thermometer in thickest part of turkey. Bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes. Reduce heat to 325 degrees. Bake for 2-to-3 hours or until meat thermometer reads 165 degrees. Baste with ½ cup of chicken broth after every 30 minutes of baking at 325 degrees.

TIDBITS

1) Wild turkeys hide in trees at night. Just like human ninjas.

2) Wild turkeys can fly. That’s better than human ninjas.

3) All turkeys have periscopic vision. This means they can twist their heads around to see everything. Can human ninjas do that? I think not.

4) Female turkeys do not gobble. This stealthiness makes them the perfect silent warriors.

5) Our founding father, Benjamin Franklin, wanted to make the turkey our national bird. Why? Culinary historians suspect that turkey ninjas fought on the colonists’ side during the American Revolution.

6) How do they know this? The British soldier was far better trained than the American militiaman. The British king had many more soldiers under his autocratic command than did our fractious Continental Congress. King George’s army possessed thousands of cannon and could boast of the biggest and best navy in the world.

7) America could only have won if it had ninja turkeys swooping down, dealing quick, silent death out of the pitch-black night. Historians think American units coordinated ambushes by using bird calls. Culinary historians know better. These were turkey calls, made by fierce turkey warriors.

8) Britain finally countered with the King’s Bear Battalion in 1782. These bears could climb up any tree and were paid in honey. America’s ninja turkeys wouldn’t have stood a chance against the bears’ great strength and massive, sharp claws. Fortunately for America, Britain’s will to continue the war had already been shattered by the decisive battle of Yorktown during the previous year.

9) America disbanded its turkey ninjas in 1806. This is why it didn’t win the War of 1812.

10) America might be using turkey ninjas in covert operations. Who can say? Washington remains mute on the subject.

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Are There Culinary Force Fields?

I don’t recall why I tried to find out about http://www.CulinaryForceFields.com or even why I thought the company Culinary Force Fields existed. At any rate, Google seems think Culinary Forces Fields is a thing. See below.

This is exciting! As far as study of physics holds, the known forces in the universe are: frictional, tension, normal, air resistance, applied, spring, gravitational, electric, and magnetic. Culinary force is not listed. I have discovered a new force. Wow. I look forward to receiving the Nobel Prize for Physics. You are welcome to attend the award ceremony. There will be drinks, snacks, and cookies afterward. I look forward to seeing you.

 

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

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Tukasu (Stewed Beef With Dates) From Niger

Nigerien Entree

TUKASU
(Stewed Beef with Dates)

INGREDIENTS

½ tablespoon yeast
½ cup warm water
1¾ cups flour
¼ teaspoon salt (1 teaspoon more later)
1 pound beef chuck, round roast, or rump roast
2 garlic cloves
2 medium onions
9 dates. (If fresh, remove pits)
4 tomatoes
2 tablespoons vegetable oil (2 tablespoons more later)
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 cup tomato sauce
¼ teaspoon aniseed
1 bay leaf
¼ teaspoon cinnamon
¼ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt
1⅔ cups water

Serves 5. Takes 2 hours 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add yeast and ½ cup water to small mixing bowl. Mix with fork until yeast dissolves. Let sit for 15 minutes. Add flour and ¼ teaspoon salt to medium mixing bowl. Mix with fork. Make a small depression in the middle of the flour. Pour yeasty water into depression. Knead flour/yeasty water until you get a big, non-sticky dough ball. Cover medium mixing bowl and let dough sit for 1 hour.

While dough sits, cut beef into 1″ cubes. Mince garlic cloves and onions. Dice dates and tomatoes. Add beef and 2 tablespoons oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until beef is completely browned. Stir enough to ensure even browning. Remove beef from heat.

Add 2 tablespoons oil, garlic, and onion to pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add tomato paste and return beef. Reduce heat to medium and cook for 2 minutes. Stir frequently. Add tomato sauce, aniseed, bay leaf, cinnamon, cumin, pepper, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1⅔ cups water to pot. Stir. Add diced dates and tomatoes. Cover stew and simmer on low heat for 25 minutes.

While stew simmers, divide the dough into 8 small dough balls. Cover with damp cloth and let sit for 30 minutes. Gently add small dough balls to pot. Simmer at low heat for another 40 minutes. Stir occasionally and gently. Remove bay leaf and serve.

TIDBITS

1) Tukasu is a stew.

2) “Stew” is an anagram for “wets.”

3) It is also as anagram for “west.”

4) Culinary anagramists will note that stew can be rearranged to form the word “stwe.”

5) Stwe is rarely used in normal conversation.

6) Oh my gosh, there’s a bunny outside my office window.

7) Bunny wants me to tell you there’s no such word in the English. Not even in medical terminology. Which is why none of the medical TV shows even say, “stwe.”

8) Bunny also says it not a French word, a Dutch word, nor even one in Latin.

9) Why did Bunny help me with this information? Because I feed him carrots and raisins.

10) My fair city, Poway, is justly proud of its multilingual rabbits.

11) Another arrangement of stwe is “twes.”

12) Twes is the plural form of twe.

13) As in, “Shall I take two twes or just one twe to the party?

14) My word! I forget the anagram “stew.”

15) Every word is its own anagram.

16) Like “onion” is an anagram for “onion.”

17) Oh sure it’s blindingly obvious now, but did you know that before you got to tidbit 16?

18) If you know of any real anagrams for “stwe” existing in other languages, please inform me.

21) And I’ll pass on your discovery to Bunny. Bunnies devote nearly all of theirs life searching for rabbit and watching out for hawks. The only real pleasure rabbits indulge in their rare leisure moments is creating new anagrams or finding out about new ones. Bunny and I thank you in advance for your help and consideration.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Ecuadorian Fritata

Ecuadorian Entree

FRITATA

INGREDIENTS

1½ pounds pork loins
1 pound pork ribs
1 white onion
1 shallot or ½ red onion
2 teaspoons cumin
4 teaspoons minced garlic
½ teaspoon pepper
¾ teaspoon salt
4 cups water
1 cup orange juice
2 avocados

Serves 3. Takes 2 hours 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cut pork loin into 1″ cubes. Separate pork ribs. Dice white onion and shallot. Rub cumin garlic, pepper, and salt onto pork loin cubes and pork ribs. Cover and marinate in refrigerator for 1 hour 30 minutes.

While pork marinates, dice white onion and shallot. Add marinated pork, white onion, shallot, and water to large pan. Cook for 30 minutes at medium-high heat or until liquid disappears. Stir enough to prevent burning. Add orange juice. Reduce heat to medium and simmer for 10 minutes or until liquid disappears. Stir frequently to prevent burning and to ensure even browning of pork cubes and pork ribs.

Cut each avocado into 6 slices. Add pork to plates. Place 4 avocado slices to the side. Fritata is also often served with sides of: fried plantains, boil yucca, corn, potatoes, and banana.

TIDBITS

1) Pork cubes and avocado slices are natural enemies. The reason for this antagonism has long been lost in the mists of prehistory.

2) Culinary anthropologists, however, speculate that the demise of the dinosaurs 64 million years ago left a power vacuum on Earth. That led to an intense power struggle between pigs and avocados.

3) The Great Porcine-Avocado War ended when the pigs’ ribs decided they had no stomach for conflict and refused to fight anymore. This internal division curtailed the pigs’ desire for aggression. The war ended. And to this day, peace-keeping pork ribs have been placed between pork cubes and avocado slices on plates everywhere. Now you know.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., and culinary historian

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

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Finnish Hot Dog Sauce (Nakkikastike)

Finnish Entree

HOT DOG SAUCE
(Nakkikastike)

INGREDIENTS

1 pound hot dogs or sausages
1 medium onion
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
3 tablespoons flour
1¾ cups beef broth
¾ cup cream
3 tablespoons ketchup
½ teaspoon pepper

Serves 4. Takes 30 minutes.

PREPARATION

Cut hot dogs into circles ½” thick. Dice onion. Add onion and vegetable oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add hot-dog circles. Stir until well blended. Sauté for 3 minutes or until hot-dog slices brown.

Lower heat to medium. Add flour. Fry until flour turns browns. Mix until well blended. Add beef broth. Stir with whisk until there are no lumps. Bring to boil using medium-high heat. Stir frequently. Add cream, ketchup, and pepper. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. Goes well with mashed potatoes.

TIDBITS

1) Culinary historians tell us this Finnish dish actually came from China some thousands of years ago and that it was originally called Yin Yang. Indeed, culinary philosophers maintain that Yin Yang is a Chinese philosophical concept that describes how apparently opposite forces may actually be complementary and interconnected in the culinary world. Later Chinese philosophers extended this concept to the entire natural world. Now everybody, not just chefs, can have big thinks about how things fit together.

2) Just so you know, it’s extremely windy outside my window.

3) For some 217 years, 9 months, and 26 days, Chinese debated on what were the grand universal twin powers from which flowed all opposite and complementary forces. Then Chef Tai Chi Pei piped up, “The twin universal powers are Hot Dog Sauce and Mashed Potatoes.” All the philosophers agreed at once. It’s just one of things that had been hard to see, but became incredibly obvious once presented. This revolutionary idea made its way to Finland via the Silk Road. Inner-truth seeking Finnish chefs gave culinary shape to this philosophy with this dish. Now you know.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Coffee Pudding

Romanian Dessert

COFFEE PUDDING

INGREDIENTS

1 cup strong coffee*
or 1 cup regular coffee plus 4 teaspoons instant coffee)
6 ounces bagels, bread, or dinner rolls**
1 cup milk
4 eggs
⅓ cup butter, softened
¾ cup sugar
no-stick spary

* = Or ¼ cup coffee grounds in 1 cup water
** = 2 bagels, 6 slices bread, or 4 dinner rolls

SPECIAL UTENSILS

coffee maker
blender
electric beater
6 ramekins
9″ * 13″ casserole dish

Serves 6. Takes 1 hour 5 minutes.

PREPARATION

Make 1 cup strong coffee. Put bagels in 1st mixing bowl. Pour coffee over bagels. Let coffee soften bagels. Add coffee, softened bagels, and milk to blender. Puree until you get a paste.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Separate eggs .Add egg yolks, butter and sugar to 2nd mixing bowl. Combine with fork until well blended. Add this egg/butter/sugar mix to 1st mixing bowl with coffee/bagel. Mix with whisk until well blended. Add egg whites to 3rd mixing bowl. Whip egg whites with electric beater until peaks form. Fold egg whites into coffee/bagel/sugar/egg yolk mix.

Spray ramekins with no-stick spray. Pour mixture into ramekins. Put ramekins in casserole dish. Add water to casserole until water is 2/3 way up the ramekin sides. Bake at 375 degrees for 45 minutes or until surface of puddings become firm to the touch and cracks in the surfaces appear. Goes well with vanilla sugar on top or with a scoop of vanilla cream on the side.

TIDBITS

1) See how, in the above picture, the ramekin filled with coffee pudding has broken down the color of the plate into its constituent colors. All culinary scientists use coffee in their spectrometers.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fantastic Pizza at Carl La Fong’s Italian Pizzeria

Quick, what are the most beloved foods in America?

Why, they’re pizzas, tacos, and hamburgers.

What’s the only thing wrong with pizzas, tacos, and hamburgers?

You can’t have them all in one entree. If only there were an authentic Italian Pizzeria that had taco and hamburger toppings. Not just some hamburger meat, taco meat, some onions, cheese, and Mexican spices. No! We all want, we all crave, a pizza topped with entire tacos and entire hamburgers. But where, oh where, is their such a culinary heaven?

This dining bliss is found at Carl La Fong’s Italian Pizzeria. Order the Mammoth Pepperoni Taco Hamburger pizza. After just one slice you will be the happiest you’ve ever been while dining. So go down the Carl La Fong’s Italian Pizzeria. You’ll never want to dine anywhere else ever again.

The 32″ Mammoth Pepperoni Taco Hamburger Pizza

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Carl La Fong, cuisine, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Shrimp Balls From Bahrain

Bahraini Appetizer

SHRIMP BALLS
(Chebeh Rubyan)

INGREDIENTS – SHRIMP PASTE

1⅔ pounds shrimp, peeled and deveined*
½ teaspoon turmeric powder
⅔ cup rice flour
½ teaspoon salt
3 tablespoons fresh cilantro

INGREDIENTS – FILLING

¼ cup ghee or butter (2 tablespoons more later)
1 medium onion (1 small one later)
1 tablespoon lemon zest
½ tablespoon baharat spice mix** (½ teaspoon more later)

INGREDIENTS – SAUCE

1 medium onion
4 tomatoes
¼ cup ghee or butter
½ teaspoon baharat spice mix
1 teaspoon chili powder
4 teaspoons tamarind paste***
5 teaspoons sugar
4 cups warm water

* = Save money and buy shrimp with a large count per pound. It will be ground into a paste.
** = Buy at Middle Eastern supermarkets or order online.
*** = Or use 3⅓ teaspoons tamarind concentrate. Or even soak 4″ of a tamarind in 2 cups warm water and use the resulting tamarind flavored water, or 4 teaspoons pomegranate molasses.

SPECIAL UTENSILS

food processor****
sonic obliterator****

**** = Do not confuse the two.

Serves 12. Takes 1 hour 40 minutes.

 

PREPARATION – SHRIMP PASTE

Add all shrimp-paste ingredients to food processor. Blend until you get paste. Refrigerate until needed.

PREPARATION – FILLING

Mince medium onion. Add ½ cup ghee and minced medium onion to 1st pot. Sauté onion at medium-heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add lemon zest and ½ tablespoon baharat spice mix. Stir until well blended Remove from heat.

PREPARATION – SAUCE

Mince small onion. Dice tomatoes. Add diced small onion and 2 tablespoons ghee to 2nd pot. Sauté onion at medium-heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Stir frequently. Add ½ teaspoon baharat spice mix, chili powder, sugar, tomato, and water. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 20 minutes. Stir occasionally.

PREPARATION – FINAL

While sauce simmers, use your hands to make a ball out of 1 tablespoon shrimp paste. Use a thumb to make a cave in the middle of the shrimp ball. Put ¾ teaspoon filling in cave. Close shrimp paste completely over filling. Repeat until all shrimp paste and filling is used.

Divide sauce equally into 2 pots. (You most likely won’t have enough room in just one pot for your shrimp balls.) Gently drop shrimp balls into the 2 pots with the simmering sauces. Cover and simmer for 25 minutes. Stir occasionally. Goes well with rice.

Use sonic obliterator on any guest giving you any guff at all. You spent too much time and money finding the ingredients, not to mention the time cooking this wonderful dish, to put up with that kind of negativity.

TIDBITS

1) It was really, really big day when a herd of shrimps pulled themselves out of a small lake and onto the shore. You can see them above in the photo for this recipe.

2) Some scientists believe that fish became the first amphibians. But culinary evolutionists pooh pooh the idea. “Where are the arms on fish? Where are their legs? Surely, shrimps were the first amphibians. Why shrimps have scads of legs.”

3) When pressed for a reason for shrimps to venture onto land at 11:30 a.m. on May 29, 3,600,000 BC, spokesman Carl La Fong, “Why, because it was there.”

4) Creatures and people would continue to investigate things simply because they were there. Then at 11:30 am on May 29, 1953 Hillary* and Norgay climbed Mt. Everest because it was there.

6) * = This Hillary was Edmund Hillary, not Hillary Clinton. She went into politics.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Am a Fashion Model – Sexy Summer Socks

 

 

The very latest fashions from France! And what will the Beau Brummels of the world  be wearing? Why, socks about tropical paradise. Socks about large wild animals. Socks about food.

These are socks that proclaim to the fashion world, “I have something to say.”  Mais oui, chat-up lines are out, chat-up socks are in.

Above, we see sexy socks from straight from the prestigious La Maison de la Oh La La. Your sweetheart will be saying “Oh La La” after flashing her lusting eyes on this alluring hosiery.

And the excitement keeps coming. Monsieur Fromage of Le Monde Chausette raves, “Mais oui we are living in exciting times. For all history, we’ve shackled the sock wearers to the notion that socks must match. Mais non, we have throne this idea ancienne into the dust bin of sock history. Today, we proudly wear socks that tell, how you say, a story.”

And in the above photos you can see the fulfilment of this daring, visionary dream. Together, the left two socks weave a story of tropical passion and intrigue. The middle two socks lure us into a world of exotic adventure, a romantic safari perhaps? The right socks regale us with culinary masterpieces. Your date will be eating up your two course meal.

Bonne chance, my fashion-following friends.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D., fashionisto

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: fashion, fashion model, international, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Almond Sherry Soup from Spain

Spanish Soup

ALMOND SHERRY SOUP

INGREDIENTS

1 onion
2½ tablespoons butter
15 saffron threads
¼ pound blanched almonds
2 eggs yolks
3 cups chicken stock
3 tablespoons sherry
¼ teaspoon nutmeg
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon Spanish paprika or paprika
½ cup cream
2 tablespoons fresh parsley
2 teaspoons slivered almonds

SPECIAL UTENSIL

spice grinder or food processor

Serves 5. Takes 1 hour.

PREPARATION

Mince onion. Melt butter in pan using low-medium heat. Add onion. Simmer at low-medium heat for 8 minutes or until onion softens and turns yellow. Stir frequently. Add saffron. Simmer at low-medium heat for 3 minutes. Stir occasionally. Add blanched almonds to pan. Toast by using medium-high heat until almonds start to brown. Grind toasted almonds until they become a paste. Add almond paste, egg yolks, and minced onion to mixing bowl. Mix with fork until you a well blended almond/egg/onion paste.

Add chicken stock, sherry, nutmeg, pepper, salt, and Spanish paprika to pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low-medium and add cream. Gradually add almond/egg/onion paste. Stir until well blended. Simmer at low-medium heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally. While soup simmers, mince parsley. Garnish soup with parsley and slivered almonds.

TIDBITS

1) Last year, culinary archeologists found this painting in the Rohoño cave near Valencia, Spain. They believe it depicts a caveman giving thanks to the gods for raining down tasty almond sherry soup. (See the soup bowls at the bottom.) Conventional archeologists disagree. Prehistorians are a fractious lot. But you know, this soup is from Spain. So maybe.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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