Posts Tagged With: Antarctica

My Not-To-Do List – Part 3

NotToDo1

It’s an awesome responsibility with millions of people looking to me for guidance on what no to do today, so I approached today’s list with great thought. So, here are the things I won’t be doing.

1) I will not take my paints and easel to the DMV to paint still-life scenes.

2) I will not move to Antarctica. It’s winter down there.

3) I will not get into any political discussion with a mime. That sort of thing always gets out of hand.

4) I will not check cans at the supermarket for “high fructose corn syrup.” I need a break. I’ll stay away from food buying today.

5) Oh gosh, see what 4) can do. I’m craving a TwinkieTM.

6) I will not repost anything that says, “Repost this.”

7) I will not buy a Twinkie.

9) I will not ask chickens, “Why did you cross the road?”

10) I will put aside my work on a Mobius-strip roller coaster.

11) I will not try to make sense of Middle-Eastern politics.

12) I will not read any of the on-line agreements that I must check before buying anything.

13 I will not buy a Twinkie.

– Paul R. De Lancey, great no-doerCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com.

 

 

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Peanut Soup

Cameroonian Soup

PEANUT SOUP

INGREDIENTSPeanutSoup-

1 red chile pepper
1 yellow onion
2 tomatoes
2 garlic cloves
1 green bell pepper
⅓ cup unsalted peanuts
2 tablespoons peanut oil
4 cups vegetable or chicken broth
1 cup peanut butter (smooth or chunky)
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
1 cup baby spinach

SPECIAL UTENSIL

spice grinder

PREPARATION

Remove seeds from red chile pepper. Dice onion and tomatoes. Mince garlic cloves, green bell pepper, and red chile pepper. Grind peanuts in spice grinder.

Add peanut oil, garlic, onion, green bell pepper, and red chile pepper to pot. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion softens. Add vegetable broth, peanut butter, tomato, pepper, and salt. Stir until peanut butter dissolves into soup. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add spinach. Simmer on low for another 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Ladle soup into bowls. Top soup with ground peanuts.

TIDBITS

1) In 1472, Portuguese explorers named one of Cameroon’s rivers Rio dos Camarões after all the shrimp in it. This is how the country, Cameroon, gets it name. Way cool. I wish where I lived could be renamed Taco. I love tacos.

2)In 1931, Cameroon sent $3.77 to America’s starving. Or they could have sent shrimp.

3) The world’s biggest specie of frog lives in Cameroon. One of them is called Jeremiah.

4)The yellow stripe in Cameroon’s flag represents sunshine. Antarctica, if it ever becomes a country, should have a white stripe representing snow and a beaker in honor of all the scientists living there.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ice Cubes and World Peace

Antarctic Entree

ICE CUBES

INGREDIENTIceCubes-

water

SPECIAL UTENSILS

glacier
pick axe
Siberian husky
panniers
Van Gogh painting
Twinkie
monastery
Porsche

PREPARATION – If you live near a glacier.

Take pick axe to glacier. Shatter a square foot of glacier ice into little ice cubes with your pick axe. Put panniers on Siberian husky. Put ice cubes in panniers. Have husky follow you back to your home. Will the lock on your door freeze up before your get your key in it? I hope not.

PREPARATION – If you have automatic ice maker in your refrigerator.

This method is much easier and safer than the above method. Many people get refrigerators just for this reason. Simply put your cup or bowl in the proper opening (Consult your refrigerator manual for proper placement of said cup or bowl.) Press the ice maker’s lever back. Ice cubes will fall into your cup. You will be happy.

Note, there will be an option with your ice maker for crushed ice. Use this daring option only when your are ready. In the meantime, play it safe and use the factory setting for ice cubes.

PREPARATION – If your refrigerator does not have an automatic ice maker.

You will have to go to an antique store and buy an ice cube tray. Fill tray with water. Open freezer door on refrigerator door. Spill water from tray. Leave door open. Fill tray again with water. Put tray in freezer. Close freezer door. Wait several hours while water in tray freezes and the moisture you let in the freezer when you left the door open too long forms into layers of frost so thick you could hide a wooly mammoth in it.

Open the freezer. Remove wooly mammoth. Remove ice cube tray. Try to remove ice cubes by lifting that lever. Bust lever. Curse. Hit counter top with ice cube tray. Chip counter top. Shatter ice cube tray. Watch ice cubes fly all over. Watch an ice cube hit your Van Gogh painting. (Why didn’t you buy a refrigerator with an automatic ice cube maker if you can afford a Van Gogh?) Watch ice melt on painting. Watch paint run. Assess the value of your new Van Gogh finger painting. It’s not high. Collapse to the floor crying. If you do not have a TwinkieTM nearby to calm you down, you will withdraw from society and join a religious order.

PREPARATION – if you have a car

Drive to the supermarket and buy a bag of ice. If you can afford it, go to a gourmet foods store and buy the brand, “Grandma’s Recipe.”

TIDBITS

1) Ice is frozen water

2) It’s harder than water, but not as hard a diamonds.

3) You can’t cut glass with an ice cube like you can with a diamond.

4) However, you could let your ice cubes partially melt and refreeze them into one big, weirdly shaped ice cube. You could shatter a window by throwing this huge cube at it.

5) You can’t do the same with diamonds. Diamonds don’t melt when taken out of the freezer. Not even if you live in the Saharan Dessert.

6) The French made great efforts to conquer and colonize the Sahara from the late 1800s to early 1900s. With every step taken into the great sandy interior, the French infantry found itself farther and farther away from its sources of ice.

7) Sure, the French possessed lots and lots of ice houses in mainland France. What civilized nation of that time did not? However, these French ice houses were far, so far away from the sand dunes of the Sahara and its relentless Sun.

8) No ice houses in the Sahara, no ice cream. No ice cream, no soldiers willing to enlist in the French army. The French army found itself reduced to enlisting the scum of the Earth in a special unit, the French Foreign legion. These men were so beyond accepted social norms that some of them had never ever put an ice cube in their root boor, let alone dine elegantly on three scoops of vanilla ice topped with chocolate syrup. Oh, oh, I can’t go on…

9) Just let me note that the United States acquired Alaska in 1867 and the Philippines in 1898. For various and manifold reasons which are beyond the scope of this recipe, we were forced to relinquish control of one of these two lands. Alaska has millions of square miles of ice. The Philippines do not. The United States kept Alaska.

10) Indeed, the untapped supply of ice cubes in Antarctica, estimated here at 1,456,000,000,000,000 ice cubes is so tempting, that in 1959 all the great nations of the world signed a treaty pledging themselves never to claim this frozen land.

11) And now the world is happy. Well, mainly.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Pumpkin Pie

American Dessert

PUMPKIN PIE

INGREDIENTSPumpkinPie-

2 eggs
1/4 teaspoon cardamom, ground
1/2 tablespoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon cloves, ground
3/4 teaspoon ginger, ground
1/4 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup sugar
1 15 ounce can pumpkin mashed or puree
1 12 ounce can evaporated milk
2 8″-to-9″graham-cracker pie shell or 1 9″ deep dish graham-cracker pie shell
whipped cream for topping

PREPARATION

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Add eggs, cardamom, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, nutmeg, salt, and sugar to large bowl. Beat eggs with whisk. Add pumpkin. Mix with whisk. Add evaporated milk. Mix again with whisk. Pour mixture into pie shell. Put filled pie shell in oven and bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes. Reduce temperature to 350 degrees. Bake an additional 40-to-50 minutes or until toothpick inserted into the pie’s center comes out clean. Cool on wire rack for 2 hours. Serve with whipped cream. Yum.

TIDBITS

1) Pumpkins are grown on every continent except Antarctica.

2) Morton, Illinois is the Pumpkin Capital. Go visit its Pumpkin Festival in mid September.

3) Pumpkin seeds have been used to remove freckles.

4) Linus from the comic strip Peanuts believed in the Great Pumpkin. See the lyrics for “I’m dreaming of the Great Pumpkin” and other pumpkin songs.

6) In 2009, motorcyclists in Nigeria wore dried pumpkin shells on their heads to circumvent laws making them wear helmets.

7) Irish lore says Stingy Jack was too miserly to get into Heaven. But Jack had tricked the devil so he wasn’t welcome there either. Jack roamed the darkness between Heaven and Hell with a lit, carved pumpkin. This is probably the basis for pumpkin carving on Halloween. That and freckle fear.

– Chef Paul
cover

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Boiled Water

Fusion Basic

BOILED WATER

People boil water all over the world. You simply cannot become a master chef without mastering the art of boiling water. It would be as ridiculous as trying to build the Empire State Building without mastering building with LegoTMs.

INGREDIENTSboilwat-

water

(space reserved for doodling.)

First, locate your stove. Yes, it’s that big white appliance in your kitchen. No, no, no! You’re in the refrigerator. (Why does refrigerator have no “d” in it while “fridge” does?) The refrigerator has your beer in it. The stove is the thing with the four heating elements on top.

Put a pot on top of a heating element. I prefer the near, right one, but that’s because my near, left one doesn’t always work. If the left one did work, I would use that one as I am left-handed.

Fill the pot with water until it is half full. You are a beginner. When you’re more experienced, you may experiment with different levels. Until then, stick with halfway.

When you’ve done this, turn off the water. Future generations of water-hungry hordes will thank you. Most wars are started by competition over scarce resources. Your thoughtfulness will delay the War That Extinguished Humanity by another day.

Move the pot over to the lucky burner. Turn the burner on. You’ll be surprised how long water takes to boil when the burner’s off. You’ll also be astounded just how many times you’ll forget to do this simple task throughout your career as a successful, trend-setting chef.

Set the temperature on the dial for the burner to “High” or “Hi.” Low temperatures are not sufficient for boiling. Low settings are used to keep already cooked food warm; food that should have been eaten two hours ago but wasn’t because your no-good teenager decided to hang out at the skateboarding park instead of coming home. He could have called. He has a cell phone, but nooooo.

Anyway, it will take a few minutes to boil. You really should watch the whole process the first time. Once you get enough experience you can experiment with successively longer absences from the pot.

Don’t be excited by the first bubble on the water’s surface and conclude that the water is boiling. You’ll be laughed out of the world’s cooking schools if you think that.

Water can only truly be considered to be boiling if the entire surface is roiled. Another sign is a plentitude of tiny bubbles forming on the bottom of the pot.

There, you have accomplished a major culinary achievement. You are well on your way to cooking independence.

TIDBITS

1) Greeks thought water was one of the four elements. The other three were: Earth, Wind, and Fire, which is also the name of a famous rock-‘n-roll band.

2) You can swim in water or drink it. If you try the same with mercury, you will die.

3) Penguins’ digestive systems can change salt water to fresh water.

4) Penguins live in Antarctica. Antarctica has tall mountains. It’s more difficult to boil water at high altitudes. This is one reason why penguins never boil water.

5) The Earth’s supply of fresh water is relatively constant. The Earth’s population is soaring.

6) Fresh water will become harder to get for the people of the world.

7) Penguins with their ability to make fresh water will be able to dictate terms to an increasingly thirsty world.

8) Thank goodness penguins aren’t vicious.
cover

My cookbookEat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Fish with Peppers and Coconut Milk

Brazilian Entree

FISH WITH PEPPERS AND COCONUT MILK

INGREDIENTSCoconut_Milk-

1 red chile
1 red bell pepper
1 garlic clove
2 Roma tomatoes
1/2 onion (1/2 more later)
2 cod fillets (about 12 ounces total, or halibut or haddock)
2 teaspoons lime juice
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 tablespoon cilantro
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1 cup coconut milk
2 tablespoons palm oil or vegetable oil (1 tablespoon more later)

1/2 tablespoon palm oil or vegetable oil
1/2 onion
1 cup cassava flour or all-purpose flour or toasted bread crumbs.

The camera was in Chicago when I made this dish so I couldn’t take a picture of it. Please enjoy the above picture.

PREPARATION

Seed and dice red chile and red bell pepper. Mince garlic clove. Dice tomatoes and 1/2 onion. Put cod in large mixing bowl. Pour enough water in bowl to cover cod. Add lime juice. Let sit for 30 minutes. Remove cod fillets. Pat them dry with towel. Put cod in skillet. Add red bell pepper, garlic, tomato, chili powder, cilantro, sea salt, and coconut milk. Let sit for 15 minutes.

Cook fish/spice/coconut mix on high heat until it begins to boil. Simmer at low heat with lid on for 5 minutes. Add 2 tablespoons palm oil. Simmer with lid on for 10 additional minutes.

While fish/spice/coconut mix simmers, thinly slice 1/2 onion. Sauté sliced onion second skillet with 1 tablespoon palm oil on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until onion is soft. Add cassava flour and cook on medium-high heat for 2 minutes or until flour is lightly toasted.

Serve fish/spice/coconut mix on top of sliced onions and toasted cassava flour.

TIDBITS

1) Over half of the world’s cassava production occurs in Africa.

2) Where does the other 40 percent plus come from?

3) I think we can rule out Antarctica as a major source of cassava.

4) Unless, of course, the scientists in Antarctica, have vast hydroponic farms devoted to growing cassava.

5) Wouldn’t it be neat if there were a movie called Hydroponic Cassava Farming in Antarctica. I’d see it. After all, I saw Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.

6) Salmon Fishing in the Yemen was One World, One Movie’s choice for it’s 2013 movie. People all over the world watched this movie on the same day to promote world peace and have fun. Please feel free to visit the event site at: https://www.facebook.com/events/384691621637151/.

7) If he were still alive John Cassavetes would have been a natural for Hydroponic Cassava Farming in Antarctica. The accomplished actor starred in The Dirty Dozen and Rosemary’s Baby.

8) Rosemary is an herb with many beneficial properties. However, some types of cassava possess cyanide compounds. These varieties must be cooked thoroughly to avoid lethal cyanide poisoning which is generally considered ban especially by law enforcement.

9) But this would make for a really cool murder mystery. After all, who wouldn’t go see the movie, The Hydroponic Cassava Murders?
cover

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World, is available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Wanted! Readers From Antarctica

I’m proud to say readers from six continents enjoy my blogs. This leaves one continent where no one follows me, Antarctica. I have no idea what I’ve done to offend the inhabitants of this vast, southern land. This blindness to their feelings probably arises from my training in economics. So people and penguins of noble Antarctica, please accept my sincere and total apology for all insensitivity shown by me to you.

Please follow my blog. It could be the beginning of a wonderful friendship.

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Papas A La Huancaina (Potatoes with Peruvian cheese sauce)

Peruvian Entree

PAPAS A LA HUANCAINA
(Potatoes with Peruvian cheese sauce)

INGREDIENTSPapasAL-

1/2 cup red onion
1 garlic clove
4 eggs
1 tablespoon peanut oil
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoon aji amarillo pepper
4 saltine crackers
1/3 cup Monterrey Jack cheese
2/3 cup Cotija cheese
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup milk
1 tablespoon lime juice
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/4 teaspoon sugar
1/2 tablespoon turmeric
1/4 teaspoon sea salt
6 yellow or white potatoes
2 tablespoons parsley flakes
6 lettuce leaves

3 eggs

PREPARATION

Boil 6 potatoes for 35 to 40 minutes. Remove potatoes with tongs and let cool in cold water. (Remember there’s a reason for the saying, “Drop you like a hot potato.”) Peel all potatoes and cut in half lengthwise.

While potatoes are boiling, dice red onion. Mince garlic clove. Boil 4 eggs for 12 minutes. Peel eggs. Make amarillo paste by melting butter in frying pan, adding peanut oil, and amarillo pepper. Stir constantly until butter melts completely.

Put onion, garlic cloves, 4 eggs (leave 3 eggs for the final step.), amarillo paste, crackers, Monterrey Jack cheese, Cotija cheese, sour cream, milk, lime juice, vegetable oil, sugar, turmeric, and sea salt into blender. Puree all these ingredients until you get a creamy mixture.

Peel the remaining 3 hard-boiled eggs. Slice each egg into 4 pieces. Place a lettuce leaf on each of 6 plates. Top each leaf with 2 potato halves. Place an egg slice on top of each potato half. Pour the creamy mixture all over each potato half.

Serve and enjoy to people and telemarketers everywhere.

TIDBITS

1) Peru rocks the culinary world with over 300 varieties of potatoes.

2) Belgium has over 300 types of beer.

3) Coincidence? Perhaps.

4) Peru makes all sorts of tasty potato dishes to enjoy. Antarctica makes none. No nuclear missiles target either land mass.

5) Russia specializes in making vodka with potatoes. There are hundreds and hundreds of nuclear missiles pointed at Russia.

6) The connection between the threat of nuclear annihilation and potato cuisine is still unclear.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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