Posts Tagged With: bunnies

Chicken and Hearts of Palm Pie

Brazilian Entree

CHICKEN AND HEARTS OF PALM PIE

INGREDIENTS – DOUGH

4 cups flour (3 tablespoons more later)
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1½ cups lard or butter
1 egg

INGREDIENTS – FILLING

1½ pounds chicken breast
3 garlic cloves
1 large onion
1 pound hearts of palm
3 tomatoes
¼ cup vegetable oil
2 teaspoons parsley
¼ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt

INGREDIENTS – ASSEMBLY

2 tablespoons flour (1 more tablespoon flour later)
no-stick spray
1 tablespoon flour
1 egg yolk

SPECIAL UTENSIL

8″ x 8″ casserole dish
Serves 9. Takes 2 hours.

PREPARATION – DOUGH

Add 4 cups flour, baking powder, and salt to large mixing bowl. Blend together with whisk. Add lard and egg. Moosh together, or knead, with hands until dough is well blended. Separate dough into 2 balls. One ball should be almost twice as big as the smaller one. Cover dough balls and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

PREPARATION – FILING

While dough refrigerates, cut chicken breast into ½” cubes. Mince garlic cloves and onion. Dice heart of palm and tomatoes. Add garlic, onion, and vegetable oil to pan. Sauté at medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until garlic and onion soften. Stir frequently. Add chicken cubes. Sauté for 10 minutes or until chicken starts to brown. Stir frequently. Add hearts of palm, tomatoes, parsley, pepper, and salt. Sauté for 5 minutes at medium heat. Stir occasionally. Remove from heat and let cool for 30 minutes.

PREPARATION – ASSEMBLY

While filling cools. preheat oven to 350 degrees. Dust flat surface with 2 tablespoons flour. Flatten larger flour ball until you get a square that is 12″ wide or large enough to cover the bottom of the casserole both and its sides . Spray casserole dish with no-stick spray. Carefully place 12″ dough square into pie pan. Remove any dough hanging over the edge with a knife. Ladle filing into pie pan. Smooth filling with spoon.

Dust flat surface with 1 tablespoon flour. Flatten remaining, small dough ball until you get a square that is 8″ wide or large enough to cover the filling. Carefully place 8″ dough square on top of filling. Remove any dough hanging over the edge with a knife. Add egg yolk to small bowl. Beat egg yolk with whisk. Brush egg yolk onto top crust. Poke 4 holes crust with toothpick or fork. This will let steam escape. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until golden brown.

TIDBITS

1) Some stores carry hearts of palm.

2) Others do not.

3) Mine didn’t. When I went to pay for my groceries the checker asked, “Did you find everything you were looking for?” I answered no, I had been looking for hearts of palm.

4) The checker favored me with a deer in the headlights look.

5) They called over a box boy to help me look. He couldn’t find it. I think we were all happy when I left.

6) The same thing occurred even when I was looking for galangal, Thai basil, or dandelions.

7) Also, don’t even think of asking for a type of radish that is found only in Northwest China and then only occasionally.

8) So the next time the checkers ask you, “Did you find everything?” answer yes.

9) I know we thought the supermarkets had everything when we were little. But they don’t. It’s disillusioning I know.

10) Kinda like finding out Santa Claus didn’t exist.

11) Life is hard.

12) But I have bunnies living in my front yard and that’s way cool.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

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Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Bad Advice Friday + 1, 5-06-17

Oh my gosh. There was a Friday this week. So, I shall once more be dispensing bad advice As usual, the advice will stupendously bad. Sorry, it’s a day late. I was whooping it up on my birthday. So, you had an extra day to do things right.

SF asks: If I pour boiling water on my face to help me wake up in the morning, will the power outlet I’ve plugged my toe into electrocute me?

Dear SF: The scientific method is a must. Try plugging your toe into an outlet. If that act alone electrocutes you then you’ll know, if only for a brief moment. If however, nothing happens then try the boiling water on your face. Should you survive electrocution after this second step, take heart in the knowledge you won’t need to take a shower. The germs and bacteria won’t survive the hot deluge.

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LHH asks: I wanna know: Who’ll stop the rain?

Dear LHH: Congress can, but they won’t. They’re too busy with health care, fund raising, and vacations to tackle this problem head on. Ask your congressman to support the building of mile-wide umbrellas. Or as more promising research suggests, get them to provide seed money for the building of five-mile-high fans that will blow rain from areas that don’t need it to ones that do. Call your representative today. They love to get citizen input.

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RTC asks: I want to go to a viewing and funeral of a family member. It is 8 hours driving round trip. I can barely stay awake 2 hours in a moving car. Should I stay home or should I go? No one else is able to go with me and share the driving.

Dear RTC: This is a toughie. Family duties push you to go, but you don’t want to crash and die. I mean how many people want to go to back-to-back funerals. No, the thing to do is ask your relatives to catapult the deceased to your home. Pay your respects. Catapult the body back as I strongly suspect the dearly departed will be buried where all the mourners are. Iimportant, don’t forget to send a condolences card! Manners are always in style. There is a small silver lining in all this. Enclose your condolences card with the deceased before catapulting back. A penny saved is a penny earned.

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MA asks: “I am” is reported to be the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be “I do” is the longest? Please advise…

Dear MA: Clearly, your problem is that your irresistible. So they say yes to you. But relationships are hard; hard as cheese that’s been left out for two weeks and perhaps just as moldy. You need to cut down on your attractivetudinous. Experiment. Grow dreadlocks. Some women hate them. If that special someone adores that hair style, consider wearing a tutu. Don’t give up. Keep trying. If however, she hopelessly dotes on you, you’ll have to rub lutefisk all over your body. The stench will drive away even the most ardent lover. There is a chance, however, the odor might be so bad that you’ll tear your own head off. That’s okay; this act also solves the problem of your overpowering desirability.

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WK asks: Where have all the flowers gone? Long time passing.

Dear WK: They’re in Greenland. What with global warming, conditions there are now favorable for flowers. Not many flower munching bunnies there either. So for decades now, flowers have been slowly migrating to Greenland. We simply been too busy, what with our hectic lifestyle, to notice. Go to your local travel agent to book a Greenland tour. Do it today. Herds of feral flowers are sights that will make your soul sing.

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Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

 

Categories: bad advice Friday | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bad Advice Friday, 4-28-17

Oh my gosh. It’s Friday. So, I shall once more be dispensing bad advice As usual, the advice will stupendously bad. You know it will be so as I had overwritten the file with my previous answers and to re-answer. I mean how can you trust advice from a person who does that?

JBL asks: Will this be on the test?

Dear JBL: Yes, it will. Unfortunately, you don’t know what test. I strongly urge you to go to every school you can and take every test. If you don’t answer the question, you will get a zero for it. Indeed if you miss the test completely, you’ll fail the test and fail the course, and get kicked out of your university. And you paid a lot of money getting into that university. You won’t graduate. There will go your dream of becoming an astronaut and of being the first person on Mars. Oh, and here’s foolproof way of acing every test. Simply tattoo every fact and theorem you’ve run across onto your body. Now it’s quite possible, that the tattooed answer will be under your clothes. In this case, you’ll have to strip. If the teacher complains, say you’re allergic to clothes. If the answer is on your butt, ask the student behind you (See what I did there?) to read the answer. Ask nicely; manners are always in fashion.

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MA asks: Can yard bunnies do multiplication problems?

Dear MA: Oh yes. But they’re shy. They just don’t talk to anyone. You have to gain their trust. You have to get down to their level. This means crawling up to them and feeding them pellets. Rabbits are terrified if they talk to people as they fear by doing will stop the supply of pellets. So talk to them in a soothing voice. Tell them that you will provide gourmet pellets if they solve multiplication problems for you. This is known in economics as incentivizing the bunny.

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RAS asks: How do I teach my dog Trotsky to play chess?

Dear RAS: You must learn to speak dog. This is not as hard as it might seem given the smallness of the canine vocabulary when compared to English. Conjugating verbs verb in Dog is much easier than in Dog than in English and, my gosh, much easier than in French. To illustrate, for “Am Hungry.”

French:
J’ai faim.
Tu as faim.
Il a faim.
Nous avons faim.
Vous avez faim.
Ils ont faim.

English:
I am hungry.
You are hungry.
It is hungry.
We are hungry.
They are hungry.

Note there are six different conjugations in French: ai, as, a, avons, avez, and ont. English is easier with only three different conjugations: am, are, and is. However, Dog conjugation for “am hungry” has an elegant simplicity to it.

Dog:
Woof!

There are no cases for you (familiar or polite), for we, it, or they. That makes learning the dog vocabulary easy. Indeed the word, “woof,” is the words for literally dozens of nouns and verbs. Dog convey meaning by intoning their “woof” differently for each instance. You will need to practice your canine intonations and indeed, inflections as well. Get practicing.

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LF asks: Why can’t pigs fly?

Dear LF: They can! They can! You just need a big enough catapult. Try getting your catapult at CostcoTM; they carry everything. Get your catapult while you can. As of press time, there’s no government regulation about flinging pigs great distances in your neighborhood, but how long can that last given the government has seen fit to regulate commercial aviation.

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BRW asked: I point a red laser light at the neigbhor’s blinds when they are gone. The cats destroy the blinds chasing the red dot. Am I evil? (Taken from a meme.)

Dear BRW: Only if your neighbors are annoying. And if they’re annoying to you, they’re likely to be annoying to others on your street as well. In this case, wait until your irritating neighbors leave their house with lit candles. Point the laser beam at the candle. The cats will attack the red dot on the candle. The candle will fall to the ground. The rug will catch fire. The house will burn down. The neighbors will leave. (Gosh, neighbors is a hard word to spell. Another reason to see them go.) It’s much better to be proactive like this then to let your resentment against them fester into something serious. That benefits no one.

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LHH asks: Over the top, or under the weather: which is best for a Hump day? And are there differences by season?

Dear LHH: If you want to be over the top for weather, you need to go to the North Pole. But with global warming, you can’t guarantee solid ice for your lawn chair. On the other hand, you could be the first person to surf the pole. In contrast, you’ll under the weather at the South Pole. While the South is over a mile thick layer of ice, it is under the Earth. There is nothing underneath you. Nothing! You’ll fall. You see because of gravity, everything falls down. At the South Pole, there is no more down. The scientists at this pole meet this existential threat by constructing buildings. The ceilings on these upside down buildings prevent the people there from falling off the planet. The fear, however, persists as in this line from an angst-filled song, “Put our hands in the air like the ceiling can’t hold us.” Some polar scientists hew to a more devil-may care philosophy as evidenced by the line, “dancing on the ceiling.” If you must go outside when at the South Pole, you must, must wear boots with VelcroTM soles and stay on the Velcro paths. Otherwise, you fall off the Earth. This is true for Hump day, the other days of the week, and for the two seasons of day and night. The Laws of Physics never sleep.

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LF states: A question for Bad Advice Friday? I can’t think. (This is from memory. I overwrote the file where I answered this.)

Dear LF: Thinking is overrated. Millions of people in a few select professions never think, politicians and human billiard balls (A surprisingly popular sport) come to mind. But if you’re really having trouble thinking and would like to start again, I have two suggestions. First, join the French Foreign Legion. You’ll have plenty of undisturbed time to conjure up a thought as you’re marching under the hot Saharan Sun. However, as people join the Legion to forget, you’ll immediately forget what idea you created. But you will have started thinking again and that’s the main thing. Second, commit a crime, a crime so horrible that you will be spending years in solitary confinement. The serene, tranquil, undisturbed aura of your own is enormously conducive to thought. Try it and see!

Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

Categories: bad advice Friday | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Make Me The Replacement for Bill O’Reilly

Bill O’Reilly, the hugely popular and controversial host for Fox, was recently fired by Fox TV. They need a new host. I need a new platform beyond this blog for my views. So, I humbly ask my readers request Fox TV to hire me to fill Bill’s time slot. Here’s why you should do so.

  1. Bill O’Reilly was fired for multiple allegations of sexual harassment. I was raised to hold doors open for women.
  2. Bill was not funny. I am funny. Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? A: To get to the same side. See what I mean.
  3. I would be an invaluable political analyst having run for the presidency in 2012 and 2016. In the last election, I won all but 50 states.
  4. I’ve written two cookbooks.
  5. Funny cookbooks.
  6. In certain demographics, my books have outsold Bill’s.
  7. My show on Fox, will include a Bad Advice Friday where I give bad advice to all callers.
  8. One show a week will be on cooking. With really good food. Mmmm.
  9. My show will have bunnies.
  10. And dogs.
  11. And cats.
  12. I have over 150 spices and herbs.
  13. I command Paul’s Flying Squirrel Squadron.
  14. I bicycled from the North Sea to the Mediterranean.
  15. My vase was in the prestigious Gemeentemuseum in Den Haag.
  16. I have been to Slovakia.
  17. I know how to say “Where are the bunions?” in Spanish. “Donde estan los juantes?” See.
  18. I can spell Cincinnati.
  19. I have a recipe for a North Korean hamburger, so I can speak on developments in that country.
  20. I’m caught up on my laundry.
  21. My favorite food is the taco.
  22. My office faces south.
  23. I can count to 23.
  24. And more!
  25. I can ties my shoes and hold my booze.
  26. Mainly because I only occasionally have a near beer.
  27. I look both ways before crossing a road.
  28. I clean dishes while cooking fancy meals.
  29. I make hospital corners while making beds.
  30. I never ever block the aisle with shopping cart.
  31. I don’t tailgate.
  32. I can name every country that isn’t an island.
  33. I know that soup backward is puos. Puos is the plural form of puo.
  34. I’ve never been bitten by a mosquito.
  35.  And I played Snoopy in a 5th grade production of “You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown.”

See? I am qualified. Please call Fox TV and put in a good word for me. Thank you very much.

The Velvet Voice, Paul De Lanceycookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

 

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The Gigantic Bunny of Central Asia

 

bunnycountry

Look at that white spot in the middle of the map to the right. It is the country of Tajikistan. It also looks like a bunny, You can see its two floppy  ears and cute little nose. It is facing left. A small rock obscures its tummy. Of course, it really is a bunny. A dormant bunny, a horrifically large bunny, but still a bunny.

Eons ago, before iPhones(tm), before typewriters, and even pencils, before humans, jellyfish, and even telemarketers, giant bunnies hundreds of miles long hopped the Earth, flourishing along side dinosaurs. Then an inconvenient asteroid slammed into our planet obliterating many species instantly. (What species were obliterated? I don’t know. We have no traces. They were obliterated.)

You know, our parents told us they had to walk seven miles through a foot of snow to get to school. Well na ha, the T-rexes and gigantic bunnies had to walk hundreds of miles through TWO feet of dust trying to find a meal. Many species died out completely. Some evolved into much tinier things such as birds. And so it was with the huge bunnies. They kept getting smaller and smaller until they reached their present cute size. Except for Tajik. Seeing no hundred-long bunny babes to mate with, he just laid down and hibernated. Dust settled upon him over the eons, so much so that no traces of him remain of him save from world mals.

Tajik is not dead. He will wake up from his great slumber when the bunnies of the world are in their greatest need. And so we wait. We wait.

Chef Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: history | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Uitsmijter (Dutch Ham and Egg Sandwich)

Dutch Entree

UITSMIJTER
(Ham and Egg Sandwich)

INGREDIENTS

1 teaspoon butter (1 additional tablespoon later)Uitsmijter-
2 slices white bread
1 tablespoon butter
2 eggs
4 slices or 4 ounces ham
2 ounces Gouda, Edam, or cheddar cheese
4 thinly sliced cucumber circles
dash of salt
dash of pepper

Makes 1 sandwich. Takes 10 minutes.

PREPARATION

Lightly toast bread. Smooth 1 teaspoon butter on butter slices. Add 1 tablespoon butter to pan. Melt butter using medium heat. Add 2 eggs. Cook eggs sunny-side up using medium to your desired level of doneness. (Dutch restaurants usually have the eggs be runny.) Add ham, cheese, egg yolk-side up, and cucumber circles to bottom slice of bread. Sprinkle pepper and salt to egg. Top with second slice of bread.

TIDBITS

1) Tired of square hotels rooms? Why not visit the Dutch city of the Hague? Bed down in your own orange escape pod for the night. Yes, get rocked to sleep as your round pod gently rocks in a canal. Or not so gently, if a speed boat zips by. These rooms come with all the bars and amenities that can be fitted in a space eight feet wide. If you want to feel like Captain Nemo or James Bond ejecting from a spacecraft with a beautiful Russian spy, this is the overnight stay for you.

2) It’s no surprise that the Netherlands designed bobbing pod hotels. It’s also the birthplace for the 85-foot tall yellow rubber ducky that is being towed around the world for its healing properties. We may even feel so good that world peace might break out. Indeed, the creator’s giant ducky has been successful, scarcely anyone recalls the giant rubber frogs and bunnies he created.

3) And speaking of toys, a Dutchman is launching an exciting, new website. It will be designed for bashful people who desired the latest in sex toys. Modest browsers will be relieved to know that the site will have no nudity or even bad language.

4) Then’s there that giant blue UFO that was photographed over the Netherland’s main government building. It just shows you how anything can happen in politics. Look for its return from the safety of your escape pod.

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: cuisine, humor, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Potato-Beef Flatcakes From Tanzania

Tanzanian Entree

POTATO BEEF FLATCAKES

INGREDIENTSPotBeefFlat-

3 large brown potatoes
3 large carrots
1 green bell pepper
1/2 ground beef
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon coriander
1/4 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon curry powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons sugar

2 or more tablespoons vegetable oil.

makes 12 flatcakes

SPECIALTY UTENSILS

food processor
electric skillet

PREPARATION

Peel and mince potatoes. (A food processor helps immensely. Remember this when your loved one gives you that appliance for your anniversary.) Peel and mince carrots. Remove seeds and mince bell pepper.

Combine all ingredients except vegetable oil in large mixing bowl. The best way to mix this is with your hands. Sorry. (But there is an upside to having messy hands. When your sweetheart asks you to answer the door or the telephone you can say, “Sorry, messy hands.”)

Make patties that are 1/2 cup big. Put 2 tablespoons vegetable oil in the electric skillet. Set the skillet to 350 degrees. Put as many patties as will fit into the skillet. Flatten them slightly with spatula. Cook with lid on for 5 minutes or until the patty browns. Remove lid. (Oil splatters, may I suggest wearing an apron?) Flip patties over and fry for another 5 minutes. Remove batch and start another. Add oil as needed.

And “tasty” in Swahili is “kitamu.”

TIDBITS

1) The carrot is one happening biennal plant of the umbel family.

2) Eating too many carrots will make your skin turn yellowish orange, especially on the palms or soles of the feet. This is called carotenemia. This goes away completely once you stop eating them.

3) Ancient Greeks and Romans ate carrots. No nation or tribe could stand up to Rome’s scary orange soldiers. That’s the Roman Empire grew so big and lasted so long.

4) Ancient Greeks believed eating carrots made men and women more amorous. “Hey, would like to have dinner at the Carrot Auctioneer?”

5) Seems silly, no? But rabbits love carrots and we all know how fast bunnies reproduce.

6) Hippocrates thought women could prevent pregnancy by eating carrot seeds.

7) Current scientific studies suggest this might be true after all.. Eating carrot seeds after intercourse might prevent the egg from implanting.

8) Whoa.

9) The orange carrot was invented by cross breeding yellow and red carrots. I wonder if you can turn yellow by eating too many yellow carrots. Don’t rob a bank after doing this. The police find  with yellow palms easy to find.

10) Yay, carrots!

– Chef Paul

4novels

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and novels are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com

As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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