LAUNDRY HAIKU #1
Laundry, oh laundry
I hate you. I will hate you.
’till the end of time.
LAUNDRY HAIKU #2
You, pile of laundry,
I so wanted to eat out.
But then I saw you.
LAUNDRY HAIKU #3
I have just one sock.
A parallel universe
Has the other one.
Paul R. De Lancey
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Where are my glasses?
I cannot see without them.
Oh, where did they go?
Tacos, oh tacos,
You’re the world’s tastiest food
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Zombies, oh zombies,
You are ever so scary,
Just less than live folks
Do zombies need to
practice social distancing?
I dont want them close.
My glasses are lost.
Can’t see approaching zombies.
I am so, so doomed.
Science is helpful.
I often use my landline
to find my cell phone.
Laundry, oh laundry,
In apocalyptic times,
Will you still pile up?
See the butterfly.
Does it know its algebra?
Does it have a need?
Knowing calculus,
Does it help you get a date?
Or is it just looks?
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Jane the Judgmental Cat says, “I know I’m beautiful, but if you’re looking at me, you’re not doing laundry. You have a Mount Everest of laundry in your closet. Fill the washer. Move your washed clothes to the dryer or I’ll biff you.”
Jane
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Dear readers,
Congratulations for getting this far! You’ve the mastered the art of moving your clothes from the closet floor to the clothes basket. Pace yourself. Take a deep breath. Visualize your self doing heroic deeds. Ok, let’s go.
1) Open the door to the laundry room. You’ll be amazed by the number of people who forget this humble but necessary step. Take it from me, you simply cannot get yourself and your filled laundry through a closed door. As of press time, the molecules of your clothes, even when not in a basket, cannot pass through the door. Nor yours for that matter.
2) Walk through the open door, like a boss, holding your basket.
3) Put basket down on dryer. You can’t put the clothes into the washer if you put it down on top of its lid.
4) Open container of laundry detergent. Fill little plastic cup that comes with container with laundry detergent.
5) Pour detergent into washing machine.
6) Wipe detergent off closed washing-machine lid. Resolve to see this through. Excelsior!
7) Open washing machine.
8) Repeat steps 4) and 5).
9) Pause and reflect.
10) Load clothes into washer. DO NOT WASH WOOLEN CLOTHES. This is an advanced step. (See step 17 below.)
11) Close lid to washer.
12) Look at the control dials on the washing machine. OMG, OMG, it’s like a NASA space shuttle. Hyperventilate.
13) Breathe into a paper page. Think soothing thoughts, like monarch butterflies flitting over a field of yellow marigolds.
14) Look at the dials again, this time calmly.
15) Realize that the last person who set the dials probably knew what she or he was doing.
16) Leave dials alone.
17) Relax, you’ll be perfectly fine unless you’re washing wool sweaters and the last person to wash clothes set wash temperature to hot. If so, you will shrink your sweaters down to gerbil size. Do you know any gerbils that need woolen sweaters? I didn’t think so.
18) Press start button. Well done, you!
And as always, cleanliness is next to godliness.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
My quite helpful not-to-do lists are generally meant to describe normal days, like when the Earth be around. But dedicated people keep telling us that our World is going to end and they can’t always be wrong. In fact, a large number of folks, over six, aver that our planet will be annihilated this very day. This kind of news gives what were not going to do a new urgency. In honor of the last day of our life, here are things I really, really, really won’t be doing today:
1) I will not clean the hardened egg off the frying pan. This really is a tough job. I normally put it off for hours. But now, I can avoid forever. Woo hoo!
2) I will not change my clothes. It’s the apocalypse and I’m greeting it in my comfy jammies.
3) I will not worry about all those End-of-the Earth scenarios. They’ve been narrowed down to one, thank goodness.
4) I will not clean out the garage. This alone makes our mass destruction worthwhile.
5) I will not worry where all those orphan socks from the clothes dryer went to. They’ve gone to a better place.
6) I will not spend another day in a world with Windows 8.
7) I will not remove that big weed that’s miraculously–my gosh, I spell that word correctly on the first try–growing in a crack in the sidewalk in front of my house. We will spend our last day in a spirit of live and let live.
8) I will not eat lutefisk, not even if doing so would prevent that giant Cocoa Pebble from smashing into the Earth. Don’t judge me. Not unless you’ve already eaten lutefisk.
9) I will not hold to my diet today. I’m having a 3 by 3 three-animal style burger, French fries-animal style, and a chocolate milkshake at In-n-Out today.
10) I will not read any software terms-of-agreement.
11) I will not go to Schnecteday, New York.
12) I will not look up the correct spelling of Schnecteday.
13) I will not move the laundry along.
14) I will not change out of my comfortable jammies.
Write and let me know what you didn’t do today.
– Paul R. De Lancey, mystic seer
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
LAUNDRY HAIKU #1
Laundry, oh laundry
I hate you. I will hate you.
’till the end of time.
LAUNDRY HAIKU #2
You, pile of laundry,
I so wanted to eat out.
But then I saw you.
– Paul R. De Lancey, Bad Artist
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Moroccan Soup
SPICED LENTILS
INGREDIENTS
1 1/3 cups red lentils
2 1/2 cups vegetable broth
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
1/2 tablespoon coriander
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon ginger
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
2 onions
1 tablespoon butter
2 small tomatoes
PREPARATION
Put lentils and broth in pot. Add cayenne, coriander, cumin, ginger, pepper, salt, and turmeric. Soak for 4 hours. Lentils should be split. (Hey, if you want some to leave slowly, you could say, “Make like a lentil and split.”)
While the lentils soak, go outside and pull weeds. When you come back, dice your onions and tomatoes. After your lentils have been sufficiently soaked (and how often does that phrase come up in normal conversation?) add onion and butter to pan. Sauté the onions on medium-high heat for 5 minutes or until the onions are tender. (Love me tender, love me true.)
Put onions and tomatoes in pot. Bring soup to boil. Turn heat down to low and simmer for 30-to-60 minutes or until lentils are tender. Serve to adoring family or guests who are about to go Morocco mad.
TIDBITS
1) You know, if I had a time machine this tidbit would have already been written.
2) Or maybe I’d use my time machine to always go back to the moment all my clothes were clean. I’d never have to do laundry again.
3) I think I’d go back to the moment when that Viking, Haarald, was about to invent lutefisk and give him a crunchy-shell taco. The culinary world would have been better off.
4) Oh, and the rest of the too. Eating lutefisk was the main reason the Norsemen assaulted England and continental Europe for centuries. I mean who wouldn’t feel like killing and pillaging after eating lutefisk?
5) Fortunately, the Vikings eventually came into contact with Moroccans in Spain. While bad for the inhabitants who had to suffer through countless battles to-ing and fro-ing across their backyards, it was a positive boon to the rest of Europe.
6) For once the fierce Norsemen discovered the spices of Morocco, they could preserve their food. They didn’t have to soak their fish in lye, a poison, to preserve it. They could even make Berbere shish kabobs. This made them very happy.
7) And the raids of the Scandanavian beserkers ended. Well okay not right away, but they did tail off.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Fusion Snack
Berbere Potato Chips
INGREDIENTS
4 russet potatoes
water
2 tablespoons berbere spice
peanut oil
PREPARATION
Wash potatoes. Slice them as narrowly as you can. A thin slice will come out like a potato chip. A thick slice results in a thin french fry. Put slices in large bowl. Put enough water to cover potato slices. Let sit for 20 minutes. Drain completely.
Sprinkle berbere spice on potato slices. Mix until potato slices are thoroughly coated with spice. Put enough peanut oil in skillet to cover potato slices. Heat skillet to 375 degrees. (It’s a good idea to hold the top of the skillet between you and skillet while putting the slices into the skillet from the skillet. Hot grease splatter is nasty.)
Fry for up to 7 minutes or until slices are crispy like, well, a potato chip. (Note, the time needed to turn a potato slice into a potato chip varies considerably with the thickness of the slice, so you will need to monitor the frying after about 2 minutes.)
Remove chips from skillet using a spoon with holes in it. Put chips on plate covered with paper towel. Enjoy.
TIDBITS
1) The ancient Greeks thought the four basic elements of the universe were: earth, wind, fire, and water.
2) A famous rock and roll band from the 70s was Earth, Wind, and Fire.
3) Adding the fourth Greek element, water, would have made their name too long..
4) If the band had a time machine they could have named themselves after this recipe and been known as Potatoes, Water, Berbere, and Oil. Neat, huh?
5) But the band didn’t have a time machine.
6) If I had a time machine I’d never do laundry. I’d simply keep going back to the day when all my clothes were clean.
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
Laundry
O pile of laundry.
O pile of laundry.
Lying securely in
The walk-in closet.
Walk out, laundry
I say, walk out.
Clean yourself.
Come back clean.
But the laundry
never listens.
Bad laundry,
Go to your room.
There will be laundry
Until we die.
Does life cause laundry
or does laundry cause life?
– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef
My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.
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