Posts Tagged With: avocados

A Group of Crows is a Murder, But What is . . . ?

A group of crows is a murder, but what about gangs of other things, what are they called?

I’m glad you asked.

A group of . . …………. is a


An overripening of avocados

advertisements……….snack break
apples…………………….browning
astronomers……………Pluto hater
avocados…………………overripening
bacon……………………..heaven
live bands………………..hearing loss
bank robberies…………getaway
banks………………………fee
burgers……………………handful
clouds……………………..imagination
court cases……………….delay
customer service………hold
dishes……………………..mountain
DMV lines……………….horizon
doughnuts……………….fattening
gin………………………….tipsy
kittens…………………….squee
lutefisk……………………stench
mistakes………………….inevitability
mosquitoes………………bite
potatoes…………………..Idaho
puppies……………………squee
printers……………………Devil
road repairs……………..eternity
shrimp…………………….cocktail
spam……………………….annoyance
storm clouds…………….gray
stoves………………………heat
tacos……………………….bliss or Tuesday
taranatulas………………scare
tax documents…………felled forest

Now you know.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

­My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: lifestyle, observations | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Paul’s Awesome English Dictionary: Today’s Word – Expirace

How many times has this happened to you? You go to the store to get milk, tomatoes, cheese, lettuce, and other perishables. Will you work all these foods into wholesome meals for your family before your produce and such pass their expiration dates and go bad? No. But still you try. You find yourself concocting ever wilder meals in your race to use up all your perishables. Remember your avocado, peach, lettuce, tomato, kale, sour cream, sausage link cobbler?

If only there were a word to describe this race. And now we have.

TODAY’S AWESOME WORD

EXPIRACE

Awesome entry #41

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Andy the Angry Avocado, Paul's Awesome Dictionay | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Angry Man Rants About Avocados

Angry Man #26

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Angry Man | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Fiesta Stew

Mexican Entree

FIESTA STEW

INGREDIENTS

4 THIN boneless pork loin chops

2 avocados
1 jalapeno pepper
½ onion
2 tablespoons fresh cilantro
1 tablespoon lime juice
½ teaspoon sea salt
¼ teaspoon black pepper
½ cup diced tomatoes
10 ounces queso quesadilla jalapeno (queso = cheese)
½ cup Crema Mexicana (sour cream)
¼ cup grated Four Mexican cheeses
¼ cup water
½ teaspoon cumin
¼ teaspoon cayenne
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes

SPECIAL UTENSILS

cooking scissors
Dutch oven

PREPARATION

Cut each thin pork loin into ½ inch squares. It is easier to do all this cutting with kitchen scissors than with a knife.

Mash the avocados thoroughly with a fork. (Make sure avocados are soft to the touch.) Ruthlessly remove stem and seeds from jalapeno pepper. Mince jalapeno pepper, onion, and cilantro. Crumble the queso quesadilla jalapeno. (There are no known tongue twisters that use the word, jalapeno.)

Add all ingredients to Dutch oven. Blend completely with fork or whisk. Cook stew on low heat for about 15-to-20 minutes. Stir occasionally. Cheeses should be completely melted.

TIDBITS

1) Pigs were first domesticated around 5,000 BC.

2) But beer was first brewed about 9,500 BC. Go, beer!

3) But it wasn’t until the last part of the twentieth century that packages of pork rinds AND six packs of beer were available in convenience stores.

4) At one time, some peoples used pig bones as weapons.

5) These civilizations lost out to ones using bronze swords.

6) Can you imagine Achilles and Hector fighting each other with pig knuckles?

7) Finally, pork’s myoglobin content is lower than beef’s.

8) I have no idea what that means.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Crabmeat Stuffed Avocados

Chilean Entree

CRABMEAT STUFFED AVOCADOS

INGREDIENTS

2 large avocados
6 ounces crabmeat
2 tablespoons minced bell pepper
2 tablespoons minced celery
2 teaspoons lemon juice
¼ cup mayonnaise
⅛ teaspoon pepper
¼ teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon minced shallot or onion
4 leaves lettuce
6 olives

Serves 4. Takes 35 minutes.

PREPARATION

Peel avocados and cut them in half lengthwise. Remove pits. Add crabmeat, bell pepper, celery, lemon juice, mayonnaise, pepper, salt, and shallot to mixing bowl. Mix with fork until crab mix is well blended. Shred lettuce.

Arrange lettuce evenly over 4 plates. Fill avocado hollows with crab mix. Top avocado halves with neat little mounds of remaining crab mix. Cut olives in half. Garnish each avocado half with 3 olive haves. Place filled-and-topped avocado halves on shredded lettuce.

TIDBITS

1) The early peoples of Central America subsisted on avocados. The tribes living along the Pacific coast of South America lived on potatoes. Naturally, no one likes to eat only potatoes or even just avocados. So, soon a lively avocado-potato trade developed. Then culinary ingenuity propelled these peoples into a golden age with the harnessing of corn into tortillas. Before long a brilliant mind, Chef Ozomatli, constructed the first potato taquito with guacamole sauce.

2) This golden age didn’t last. Robbers ambushed the potato and avocado traders. To meet this threat, the great Aztec empire arose around Mexico. Its armies threw volley after volley of avocado pits at the heads of the robber gangs until the thieves broke and fled. The Incan warrior, however, was invulnerable in his suit of potatoes. These innovations were enough to maintain the great empires until the arrival of the musket carrying, metal-armor wearing Conquistadors.

3) In desperation, local chieftains attempted to attack the Spanish fleets by making canoes out of gigantic avocados. Unfortunately, crabs ate these vessels as soon as they put out to sea. Resistance collapsed. Spain would rule this corner of the world for 300 years. This dish commemorates the destruction of the avocado fleets by the crabs. So some good came out of all this turmoil.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Posole Rojo

Mexican Soup

POSOLE ROJO

INGREDIENTS – PORK

3 pounds pork shoulder or leg
60 ounces canned-garbanzo beans (aka chickpeas)
2 bay leaves
7 garlic cloves (4 more later)
3 quarts water

INGREDIENTS – RED SAUCE

6 guajillo chiles or ancho chiles
3 ancho chiles or guajillo chiles
3 cups water
½ small onion (½ more later)
4 garlic cloves
1 tablespoon Mexican oregano or marjoram or oregano
½ teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon salt

INGREDIENTS – FINAL

2 avocados
¼ head cabbage
4 red radishes
½ small onion
1 cup tortilla chips

SPECIAL UTENSIL

electric blender

Serves 16. Takes 2 hours 30 minutes.

PREPARATION – PORK/GARBANZO BEANS

Cut pork into 1″ cubes. Drain garbanzo beans. Cut 7 garlic cloves in half. Add pork, garbanzo beans, bay leaves, 7 garlic cloves, and 3 quarts water to 1st, large pot. Bring to boil using high heat. Stir occasionally. Reduce heat to low. Simmer for 1 hour or until pork cubes can be pulled apart easily with a fork. Skim off foam with spoon. Stir enough to prevent burning. Remove and discard bay leaves. Remove pork and garlic. Keep water in pot. Shred pork completely using 2 forks. Smash garlic bits with fork. Return pork and garlic to pot.

PREPARATION – RED SAUCE

While pork simmers, add 3 cups water to 2nd pot. Bring to boil. Seed guajillo and ancho chiles to pan. Roast at medium heat for 8 minutes until they start to soften. Stir occasionally . Add chiles to 2nd pot. Cover and remove from heat. Let chiles sit in water for 15 minutes or until they have completely softened. Cut ½ small onion into 4 pieces. Add guajillo chiles, ancho chiles, 4 garlic cloves, 4 onion pieces, and water from 2nd pot to blender. Set blender to puree and blend until pureed. This is the red sauce. Add red sauce, Mexican oregano, pepper, and salt to the pot containing pork and garbanzo beans. Simmer on low heat for 10 minutes. Stir occasionally.

PREPARATION – FINAL

Add red sauce/pork/garbanzo beans to bowls. Cut avocados into 16 pieces each. Shred cabbage. Mince ½ small onion. Slice radishes as thinly as possible. Spread avocado, cabbage, onion, radish, and tortilla chips evenly over bowls of red sauce/pork/garbanzo beans.

TIDBITS

1) The Italian peninsula in 1848. Peasants rioted against the nobles. The nobles suppressed the peasant uprising. Italians took up arms against their foreign masters. The foreign masters fought back. Bullets were positively whizzing everywhere.

2) Then the Second War for Italian Independence began in 1859. Armies marched all over the place. Bullets and cannonballs streaked against the sky. It was all too much for the simple chef, Fabio Marinara who determined to leave for America. His customers pleaded for him to stay. “No,” said Fabio at length.

3) So, the plucky Italian sold all his possessions and bought a ticket to New York on the SS Seaweed.

4) But he boarded instead the SS Flan to Veracruz, Mexico. But that was okay, for Mexican food was love at first sight for Fabio. “Tacos, where have you been all my life?” thought Chef Mariana.

5) Well, across the Atlantic Ocean. But anyway, Chef Fabio opened up a restaurant on the Gulf of Mexico. Within weeks, he perfected this soup, the posole rojo.

6) People loved his soup. They’d burst out singing, “Posole Rojo” everytime this food of the gods went by their tables.

7) A Italian lyricist, Giovanni Capurro heard these outbursts of ecstasy. He thought they were referring to Veracruz’s magnificent red sunsets. He interpreted them to say, “O sole rojo” or “O my red sun.”

8) But Capurro found that the song burgeoning within his heart flowed much easier when he tweaked the words to “O solo mio” or “O my sun.”

9) He took his song back to Naples. Capurro’s song has been an enduring global hit ever since. “O Sole Mio” has even been sung twice on Sesame Street. Now you know.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Avocados With Tuna

Bissau Guinean

AVOCADOS WITH TUNA
(Abacate Com Atum)

INGREDIENTSavocadoswithtuna

2½ tablespoons freshly * grated coconut (9½ tablespoons more later)
2 large or 4 small ripe avocados
1 6-ounce can tuna
9½ tablespoons freshly grated coconut
1 cup heavy cream
3 tablespoons tomato sauce
⅛ teaspoon pepper
½ teaspoon salt
1½ tablespoons lemon juice

* = Add small amounts of water to dry, shredded coconut until it softens. It is an effort to get the fresh coconut flesh from inside the coconut. Sorry.

Makes 4 large or 8 small stuffed avocados halves Takes 20 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add 2½ tablespoons grated coconut to pan. Toast on high heat for 3 minutes or until coconut starts to brown. Stir occasionally. Cut avocados in half lengthwise. Remove pit. Gently scoop out pulp with spoon. Don’t tear the avocado shells. Add avocado pulp to large mixing bowl. Mash avocado with fork. Drain tuna. Add tuna, 9½ tablespoons grated coconut, heavy cream, tomato sauce, pepper, and salt. Mix with whisk or fork until well blended. Fill avocado half shells with avocado/tuna mix. Drizzle avocado/tuna mix with lemon juice. Garnish with toasted coconut.

TIDBITS

1) This recipe calls for shredded coconut to be toasted in a pan. Wouldn’t it be easier to toast the shredded coconut in a toaster? Yes, it would. Unfortunately, the tiny shreds would get everywhere, including on the toaster’s live coils. A fire could result, a raging inferno even. That would be bad. Your newly homeless neighbors would hate you.

2) That’s why I’m developing the Shredded-Coconut ToasterTM. Simply distribute the coconut one shred to one tiny slot. Wouldn’t that requires a lot of slots in the toaster? Yes, it would.

3) Another invention of mine would be the Egg Centrifuge CookerTM. Simply place an egg into the centrifuge. The centrifuge whips the egg around at incedible speeds, scrambling the inside. Coils inside the centrifuge cooks the egg’s inside to your desired level of doneness. No more tiresome scraping and scrubbing of burnt egg bits stubbornly attached to your skillet.. You’ll say, “Thank you, Egg Centrifuge Cooker.”

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Completo, the Chilean Hot Dog

Chilean Entree

COMPLETO
(hot dog)

INGREDIENTSCompleto-

4 Roma tomatoes
4 medium avocados
½ teaspoon salt
4 teaspoons vegetable oil
4 submarine rolls – 8″ long
4 quarter-pound hot dogs – 8″
½ to 1 cup mayonnaise (1 cup means you’re fearless about spilling on your shirt or floor)
1 cup fresh sauerkraut

SPECIAL UTENSILS

metallic rack to cover pot
lots of napkins

PREPARATION

Dice tomatoes. Peel avocados, cut in half, and remove pits. Add avocado halves to mixing bowl. Mash avocado with potato masher or fork until smooth. Add salt and oil. Stir until avocado mixture (palta) becomes creamy. Boil hot dogs in large pot on high heat for five minutes. Steam rolls on rack atop pot. Add hot dogs to buns, then top in the following order with sauerkraut, tomato, a thick layer of creamy avocado (palta), and mayonnaise. The layers of creamy avocado and mayonnaise should be thick and wide, until it barely stays on the roll. Eat with the cut of the bun facing up.

Is this a messy hot dog? Yes it is! This is why you see it sold more often in Chile from street vendors than in restaurants.

TIDBITS

1) Sauerkraut is fermented cabbage.

2) The Mongols under Genghis Khan slaughtered thousands upon thousands of people while conquering darn near every place from Mongolia to western Europe. Which was bad. But who doesn’t have a bad side? I, for example, constantly misplace my glasses.

3) But I have done good deeds as well. And so did Mr. Khan, who brought the idea of fermenting vegetables to the western world. Without fermented cabbage, sauerkraut, the completo would not have been possible. I think Genghis would have been pleased to have known about his role in this recipe, unless, of course, he was more modest and unassuming than previously suspected.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, food, humor, international, recipes | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Honduran Baleadas

Honduran Entree

BALEADAS

INGREDIENTSBaleadas-

1 cup queso duro or cotija
8 8″ flour tortillas
1 15-ounce can refried beans
1/2 cup crema agria or crema Mexicana

OPTIONAL INGREDIENTS

4 scrambled eggs
2 thinly sliced avocados

PREPARATION

Shred or grated the cheese, queso duro or cotija. Fry refried beans in pan using medium heat for 5 minutes. Stir occasionally. While beans fry, place a tortilla in another pan. Cook on medium heat for 30-to-40 seconds or until tortilla softens completely. Repeat for all tortillas.

Spread an equal amount of refried beans over each tortilla. Sprinkle cheese equally over the refried-bean topped tortilla. (Add optional ingredients here.) Drizzle crema agria on top of refried beans. Fold tortilla in half.

TIDBITS

1) The monastic followers of Pythagoras believed our souls entered Hades, the afterworld, through the stems of bean plants. Hades was the place where our souls found their new bodies, kinda like transferring data via a memory stick to a new laptop after the old one crashes.

2) So if you ate beans or even damaged them, you could have very well denied a soul access to the very bean roots it needed to get to Hades. No trip to Hades via healthy bean roots, no new body for the soul. No more soul would have meant complete oblivion for all time.

3) Which is a bummer.

4) So, Pythagoras’ followers held it was a sin to eat beans or even walk through bean fields.

5) If these people had been able to gain control of the governments of all the Greek city states, future cuisines would have been devastated. For example, what would Mexican food, one of the world’s great cuisines, be without beans? And what would life be without Beanie WeeneesTM?

6) Fortunately, the Greeks of the Classical Age were perpetually at war with each other and never had time to seriously debate the Pythagorians’ bean-route-to-Hades belief. However, Pythagoras’ theorem is still taught to eager legions of students who can go home and reenergize themselves with Beanee Weenees. Life is good.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Guacamole

Mexican Appetizer

GUACAMOLE

 INGREDIENTSGuacamo-

2 avocados
1 jalapeno
1/2 onion
2 tbsp fresh cilantro
1 tbsp lime juice
1/2 tsp sea salt
1/4 tsp black pepper
1/2 cup diced tomatoes

PREPARATION

Make sure avocados are ripe. They should be feel a bit squishy. (That is not the same feeling you get when you all in love. That is squooshy.) Remove stem and seeds from jalapeno. Then mince it, the onion, and the cilantro.

Put avocado in mixing bowl. Mash the avocado thoroughly with a fork. Add jalapeno, onion, cilantro, lime juice, salt, pepper, and diced tomatoes. Mix ingredients completely with fork or whisk. Add water if it gets too thick for your liking.

Assume a look of radiant virtue as you serve this to your guests who may or may not deserve it.

TIDBITS

1) Doesn’t “guacamole” look as if it should be pronounced “whack a mole?”

2) Where I grew up, our neighbors had a guacamole tree, bush, cactus, or whatever its called, that dropped its fruit onto our side.

3) We had a lemon tree that dropped its fruit onto their side. Fair is fair.

4) Authentic guacamole and salsa are always fresh.

5) Salsa, the movie, was made in 1988 and directed by Boaz Davidson.

6) The Old Testament’s Book of Ruth has Boaz marrying Ruth. The movie, Story of Ruth, was made in 1960 and starred Stuart Whitman.

7) Stuart Whitman was more well known for his movie roles as a cowboy such as in the 1961 movie, The Comancheros.

8) It’s unclear even after on-line search if Stuart Whitman liked salsa. Or even guacamole.

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: cuisine, history, international | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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