Posts Tagged With: murder

Bad Advice Friday, 4-14-17

Today is once more Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad.

PD asks: How do I get the cat to emulate a dog? He never meows anyway.

Dear PD: Male dogs like to lick their balls. Paint your cat’s nuts with liquid catnip. (The cat might resist for a bit.) Then feline instincts will take over and your cat will lick that catnip right off. Once the first step to dogdom is broken, adoption of other doggie traits will surely follow.

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LHH asks: When will my ship come in?

Dear LHH: Sad to say, you can’t count on a ship to dock at your town and have the captain come down the gangway and present you with the keys to the vessel. This is particularly so, if you live miles inland. Anyway, head to the port and buy the first cruise ship that takes your fancy. This will be your ship! Now mind you, cruise ships cost hundreds of millions, so saving is a must. You might find that you don’t have enough saved up. In this case, you’ll have to forgo such things as: lodging, clothes, and food. Indeed, you might to do without everything for decades, but don’t give up.. Stay true to your dream.

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ABG asks: What if I don’t want to get out of the pool?

Dear ABG: Who does? It takes a while to get used to the water and then it’s so cold when you get out. You need help. Simply hire a rodeo cowboy and a pilot with a helicopter. The cowboy lassoes you and the pilot ascends, lifting you out of the pool. You might even worry how the wind is blowing you repeatedly close to your house. But let’s not forget you’re out of the pool. Now it’s time for an after-pool cocktail.

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MA asks: Is there a way to find the Father of All Bombs?

Dear MA: Why yes, there is. First, go to your nearest air force base and ask to be let in. Ask politely or they won’t wave you through. Manners are always important. Should they ask why, tell the truth. You can’t imagine how many times spies, agent provocateurs (quite possibly spelled correctly), and terrorists lie to these guards. Your honesty will be just the fresh air needed to melt their suspicious hearts. Second, head to the shed where they keep the really big bombs. You are looking for the Father of All Big Bombs after all. Take that sledgehammer out of your vehicle and starting banging the heck of the bombs. (Note, while bombs are notoriously temperamental and apt to go off when hit by even the humble hammer, you can’t count on it. Do your research and find the bomb’s “E” spot, or “Explosive spot.) Anyway, hit those bombs as hard as you can with your sledgehammer. The bomb that flings your body the farthest will be the Father of All Bombs.

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PH asks: Mother a weed, father a weed … do you expect the daughter to be a saffron root?

Dear PH: No, no, you can’t, not even if you hire the finest genetic splicers. The best thing to do is glue saffron all over her. (Note, she might complain about that, particularly if she is a teenager.) Anyway, saffron is expensive, about $200 an ounce. Covering her all over with saffron might cost a half-million dollars. If you have that kind of money, your problem is solved. However, even if the most diligent searching for coins under the sofa cushions leaves you short, head to saffron-rich Tibet. Simply fly to India, hike across the Himalayan mountains, avoid the border guards, pick hundreds of pounds of saffron threads from the saffron flowers, carry your prize back across the Himalayas, and fly home.

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PH asks: If a man said to you, ‘A dog carried away your ear’ would you go after the dog or search first for your ear?

Dear PH: Oh my gosh, you’re told a dog carried away your ear and you want to waste precious time searching for it on your head? Do you wish to give the dog time to eat it, develop a taste for human flesh, and start a canine/culinary murder spree? Also, if you can retrieve that ear quickly you can get it sewn back own. Hurry, man, hurry. Chase after the nearest dog you see and pry open its mouth. Don’t let the fact that it’s a doberman or a pit bull scare you off. It’s your ear. If the dog happens not to have your ear in its mouth, apologize to its owner as manners are always important. Then take off after the next dog and so on. Good luck! I look forward to hearing from you.

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JW asks: Why?

Dear JW: I assume you are asking “Why can’t I find my car keys?” as this is by far the most asked why question. The short answer is that your car are not where you’re looking and vice versa. Clearly, you need more copies. I suggest one hundred car keys. Leave them all over your house, your place of work, and any stores you frequent. Be sure to leave details of your car such as make, year, color, and license plate on it. It would be embarrassing to come back to your local burger joint and pick a set of keys from the counter only to get to your cars and find you grabbed a set of keys belonging to someone else. Then your have to go back inside the joint and put those keys down, right in front of everyone. You look around, getting redder and redder. Finally, you find your 83rd set of car keys right where you were eating. By this time, everyone is laughing and you find yourself wishing you could merge your molecules into the wall. Don’t let this happen put your car’s info on every set of car keys. Now you know.

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WK asks: Did it ever say how many seashells Sally sold down by the sea shore?

Dear WK: As I learned the nursery rhyme while in school in Australia, the next line is, “But she shall sell her shells no more.” She’s not selling anymore. All of a sudden, we don’t know her name. She hasn’t shown up at beach since, despite the high demand for her designer sea shells from wealthy tourists. We can only conclude that she is in the witness protection program for testifying about seashore murder she saw. Which is unfortunate, as she is quite rich and is quite the looker. I recommend a door-to-door search across the country for her.

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DZ asks: I can’t stop the damned sports news updates from showing up on my Facebook trending topics, no matter how many times I dismiss them. It’s the only news I actually WANT Facebook to curate for me, and they won’t do it. Help me.

Dear DZ: You language is probably listed as American English with Facebook. America is sports mad. We have sports all year round. You’re not going to be able to avoid sports in your trending topics as long as your FB page is in American English. You will have to switch your page to an obscure language, one that is spoken by very few people. I recommend Chamicuro. Although it is spoken throughout the world, the total numbers of speakers is estimated at eight. How many professional sports teams could those speakers have? Yep, switch your Facebook page to Chamicuro and you’ll never see sports trending again.

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SF asks: If I ask a question = will you answer ?

Dear SF: ˙ǝɔıʌpɐ pɐq ǝʌıƃ oʇ ǝʌol ı ‘ǝsɹnoɔ ɟo ‘sǝʎ

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Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

 
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Bad Advice Friday, 3-24-17

Today is once more Bad-Advice Friday. I shall be dispensing bad advice to all comers. The advice will stupendously bad.

GC asks: Is there a reason for putting a banana in meat loaf?

Dear GC: Yes, it’s absolutely essential training if you want to murder someone and get away with it. Sure you could shoot someone dead, but then you’d have to dispose of the murder weapon and those pesky policemen are sure to find it–yes, diligence can be annoying in others–and match up the bullets in the victim to your gun and before you can say, “Bob’s your uncle,” you’d be in jail. No, it’s better to suffocate your victim by shoving a banana down his throat. Then pull out the banana and cook it in your meatloaf. Not only will you have gotten away with murder, but you’ll have a tasty meal as well. And isn’t good eating a worthy goal in itself?

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CC asks: What should I have made for dinner tonight?

Dear CC: It depends. If you like the guests, let the professionals do the cooking. I suggest having Lasserre in Paris cater the event. Certainly, hiring the top chefs in France at a moment’s notice and hiring a supersonic private jet fly them to your kitchen will probably bankrupt you. However, this will be a dinner that you and your guests will savor for the rest of your lives.

However, if you despise your diners, I suggest almond chicken with a bechamel/X-LaxTM sauce and a habañero/mango smooth. Bon appétit.

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KJS-O asks: How best to pimp-my book?

Dear KJS-O: Book promoting techniques come and go. I recommend one that has stood the test of time, robbing a bank and taking hostages. I guarantee national coverage, especially if you rob a bank in a big city. Be sure to look your best for the cameras. All America will be watching you and judging you by your appearance. By all means, demand an interview with a TV reporter. This will give you the opportunity to read from your book. And remember to stay poised; you won’t be giving another interview for ten-to-twenty years.

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JAS asks: Do you know the way to San Jose?

Dear JAS: No, but neither do ants know the way to anything. However, they always find your food in minutes, even if you’ve just turned your back on it for one minute to get a TupperwareTM container. That minute turns into ten as you yourself turn into a cussing banshee trying to get a top that matches the container bottom. Anyway, the ants will find your food you left on the counter top in those ten minutes, guaranteed. How do they do it? They have no GPS. They just march forward in ever widening circles until they find your food. Which they do every time, so there must be something to it. So, I suggest driving in ever widening circles until you find yourself in San Jose. Be sure to visit the Winchester House while you’re there. It’s great.

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MB asks: What color should I paint my toe nails?

Dear MB: Your toe nails should match your belt, particularly so if you find yourself interviewing for a job while wearing flip-flops.

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RAS asks: Should I cut off my big toe for no reason?

Dear RAS: Absolutely not! Cutting off your toe should be for a reason. For example, you’re at your friends’ party. They ask you to take off your shoes. You are a polite guest, so you do so. Then you stub your big toe. My gosh the pain. You go off on a ten-minute swearing tear until the pain subsides. Your friends are pointing to the door. You are no longer welcome at their house. Wouldn’t it be so much better to cut off your big toes in advance than commit this grievous faux pas over and over again. You have only two big toes to lop off, but you can lose dozens of friends if you don’t.

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SL asks: What color should I make the sky on April 1st?

Dear SL: I’ve always been partial to green. Hire a small plane. (Don’t forget to hire a pilot as well!) Pour green paint out the plane. Then count on your friend, the one with a huge fan to keep the green paint suspended in air.

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Doctor Paul De Lancey

(Please click on my name and submit Bad Advice questions to my Facebook page and simply make a comment to this post. I look
forward to hearing from you.)

 

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

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Why You Should Never Eat Lutefisk

lutefiskbin

Lutefisk is an abomination that proves Evil still stalks the land. It offends and destroys all the senses.

Sight: It looks like boogers or broiled phlegm.

Smell: It reeks like a rat decomposing under the cellar furnace.

Touch: It has the lovely consistency of a corpse’s innards that have finally exploded in the hot summer Sun, but you’re a dectective and have to search through the body with your glove-covered hands to find the bullet that the killer used to commit this cowardly murder.

Taste: Oh gosh, you’ll want to set your razor to its highest level and shave off your taste buds off your tongue just to prevent tasting the next bite.

Sound: After eating lutefisk, just the mere mention of it will set off PTSS.

It’s been a half century since I had lutefisk. Not enough time has elapsed.

I give up lutefisk every year for Lent. I have a will of iron. I have never even been tempted to backslide.

If you ever are invited to a dinner when lutefisk is served, my I suggest that you join the French Foreign Legion and politely send your regrets from some combat zone.

Chef Paulcookbookhunks

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with 180 wonderful recipes is available on amazon.com. My newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, is also available on amazon.com

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Moravian Christmas Cookies

Czech Dessert

MORAVIAN CHRISTMAS COOKIES

INGREDIENTSMoravianCookies-

1 teaspoon baking soda
1½ tablespoons warm water
1 cup brown sugar
1¼ cups molasses
½ cup shortening or lard
4 cups flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon
¾ teaspoon ground cloves
¼ teaspoon ginger
¼ teaspoon mace
½ teaspoon nutmeg

2 tablespoons flour
no-stick spray

SPECIAL UTENSILS

cookie cutter
4 or so cookie sheets (You might have to bake in batches.)

Makes 36 cookies. Takes 2 hours 40 minutes.

PREPARATION

Add baking soda and warm water to pot. Stir with fork until baking soda dissolves. Add brown sugar, molasses, and shortening. Cook at low-medium heat until all is melted. Stir frequently. Remove from heat..

Add baking soda/brown sugar/molasses mixture to large mixing bowl. Add 1 cup of flour. Knead by hand. Repeat until all 4 cups of flour have been added. Add cinnamon, ground cloves, ginger, mace, and nutmeg. Knead once until dough is stiff and smooth. Cover and place in cool spot for 1½ hours.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Use up to 2 tablespoons flour to dust flat surface. Roll dough out until it is ⅛” thick. Cut dough with cookie cutter or with knife. Spray cookie sheet with no-stick spray. Bake at 350 degrees for 5-to-10 minutes or until cookies harden around the edges or a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean. Let sit for 10 minutes.

TIDBITS

1) Molasses flows slowly. Hence the saying, “As slow as molasses.”

2) Slowness is relative of course. Plate tectonics, the shifting of the Earth’s plates, is even slower than molasses. Much slower. Yet no one ever says, “As slow as plate tectonics.”

3) Even so, plate tectonics is much faster than the lines at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

4) This title usually gets shortened to DMV. The department even has a long name.

5) Many people assume that the glacial pace at the DMV is a result of ever increasing swarms of people wanting to get driving permits, driver’s licenses, and to change their names.

6) Name changing arises when recently married women take their husband’s last name.

7) People who have committed murders often change their last name to avoid detection by the police.

8) Black widows, women who marry men and murder them shortly afterward for their money, are especially avid name changers.

9) Law enforcement knows this. Which is why the DMV includes in the section under name changes the following question, “Do you marry and murder for money?”

10) This tactic worked for a while. Then would be money murderers realized they could avoid detection by simply answering, “No.”

11) So these black widows and other killers compound their crime of murder with the one of lying.

12) Soon they feel nothing about jaywalking or looking up the answers at the back of a book of crossword puzzles.

13) The downward moral spiral continues. Pretty soon the tortured soul looks at the hamburger on his plate, his second one when another guest hasn’t even had her first. He wonders how such an off-the-cuff action as murder could have such an impact on his life.

14) This is a critical moment in the murderer’s life. Confess, oh my goodness, confess. Confess and break the downward ethical spiral. Confess that you took that second hamburger. Offer it back to that hamburgerless sweetheart looking down at her empty plate.

15) Your act of self abnegation will bring a smile to her face. The fact of getting of a yummy burger will swamp her body with joy-filling endorphins. She’ll regard you as a knight in shining armor.

16) Soon the two of you will be chatting up a storm and before you know it, you are engaged to be married.

17) Now is the time when you must hold firm. Do not kill her for her money. This is your soul mate. Murder someone else. Do the murder with you new spouse. The couple that slays together, stays together.

– Chef Paul

LutheranCookbook

My cookbook, Eat Me: 169 Fun Recipes From All Over the World,  and my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, are available in paperback or Kindle on amazon.com

The cookbook is also available as an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

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Bacon & Chocolate Party Will Outlaw Car Alarms

B&CtastyDoes anybody ever respond to car alarms? Has anybody ever responded to car alarms? Has anybody ever become an ax murderer after listening to a  car alarm, a loud car alarm, a jet-engine loud car alarm? Especially after listening to a rock-concert loud car alarm for hours? I think so. I really believe this is why our prisons are filled to capacity. They’re chock full of ax murderers who were sent over the edge by listening to a nearby Niagara Falls loud car alarm.

We must not let our community turn into ax murderers. Murder is wrong. Besides, they might murder innocent bystanders. Nope, best solve the problem by attacking the problem head on. Outlaw car alarms on all new cars. Mandate the deactivation of car alarms. What political party has the courage to enact such legislation? Bacon & Chocolate! Vote Bacon & Chocolate in 2016.

– Paul R. De Lancey, social crusaderCoverFrontFinal

Check out my latest novel, the hilarious apocalyptic thriller, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms? It’s published by HumorOutcasts and is available in paperback or Kindle
on amazon.com.

 

 

 

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Make Vote Buying Fun For The Whole Family

 grasshoper

 

The campaign spending season is in full swing with well-funded politicians claiming that an enemy victory will result in a plague of locusts o’er the land. (It won’t happen at my home. I have a rather aggressive lizard patrolling my office window.) Anyway, I see all sorts of articles, posts, emails claiming that hopeful politicos might be raising hundreds of millions of dollars. Indeed, in 2010 Meg Whitman spent the colossal sum of $150 million to run for governor of my state of California. This outrages me to no end.

This will happen if you vote for the wrong candidate.

How come I didn’t get any of it?

Look at it this way. Meg–may I call you Meg?–spent about $4 per every human being in this state. Did she get elected? No, she lost. She got nothing. Did we get anything? No, just an endless sea of ads that sapped our wills to live. What should she have done?

Bought our votes. Directly.

We could have gone to her website and pledged  all our eligible votes to her. That would have been two in my case. In return, Meg would have given us $4 in vouchers, per family member,  good to any fast-food restaurant of our choice, $16 for me and my brood! Yum! Yum! Would any votes ever have been sold so tastily

Could her gubernatorial opponent Jerry Brown with his paltry $4 million could have competed? No.

Think about it next time,  candidates. My idea is good for you, it’s good for American voters and it’s good for Taco Bell.

– Paul R. De Lancey,  Concerned Citizen

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

 

 

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Bad Artist #4, Murder

BadArtist4

 

Ah, the good old days.

– Paul the Bad Artist

4novels

Check out my latest novel, the Christmas thriller, Beneficial Murders. My books are available in paperpack or Kindle on amazon.com, As an e-book on Nook

or on my website-where you can get a signed copy at: www.lordsoffun.com

Categories: humor | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“The Darwin Murders” ebook Anthology is Available

Come read stories of happy murdering from 42 amazing authors. Free days are the next five Sundays.DarwinCover

The Darwin Murders

The dark humor of The Darwin Awards inspired this anthology. The authors here achieved the same mood with murder, feeling humanity should be better off without their victims. Happy murdering for goodness sake. You can make people happy by giving them a cookie as well, but that’s another anthology.

The Darwin Murders ebook is available on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/The-Darwin-Murders-ebook/dp/B00ENQBI7Q/

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Deborah K. Mason: A Winner of The Darwin Murders Literary Event

In The  Darwin Murders Literary Event, I am pleased to announce winner number one of two. Please join with me in congratulating Deborah for her submission; A Crushing Weight.

mason

Deborah K. Mason

A Crushing Weight

She was waiting when he finally arrived home, always waiting. A blubbery mass of human flesh. That was how he thought of Maude nowadays. However, tonight there was something different about her. Not that he paid much attention to her lately. Peggy at the local diner he paid plenty of attention to, along with numerous other women. All thin, unlike big Maude. Standing there naked smiling at him.

She wordlessly took his hand leading him to the bedroom they hadn’t shared in years. Her grip on his hand was strong. Her hair hung loose, makeup flawless. In the candle lit bedroom he saw the woman he married. A beautiful shrewd woman, foundation of his real estate empire. A passionate woman, until illness caused her to balloon in size.

They were the most hated couple in Cedar Woods, snapping up property, tossing folks into the streets. Maude was the brains behind their legal and illegal operation. The reason he didn’t divorce her despite his aversion to her weight. Maude captured his attention as she laid him on the bed, music softly playing. She danced as she removed his clothes. A fire started deep in his loins. Maude was a vixen, a Jezebel. Teasing him until he was naked.

Relax.” She whispered. Liquid heat raced through his body. Maude mounted him, her weight bore down until he passed out.

After the funeral Maude kept her appointment for bypass surgery. She returned property to victimized homeowners before beginning a new life. Far from town.

✍ ✍ ✍ ✍ ✍ ✍ ✍

Deborah K. Mason is an avid reader who enjoys writing short stories and poetry. Writing, researching and reading up on gruesome murders, mysteries, horror. She lives somewhere on Planet Earth with her children, The “Crew.”

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The Darwin Murders – Have a Little Fun

Authors Candace C. Bowen and Paul R. De Lancey cordially invite you to contribute a short story to the Kindle e-book anthology, The Darwin Murders. This event takes place July 20 on Facebook. Click on the below link to find out more.

https://www.facebook.com/events/137774169753258/

We encourage you to have Fun with this event. Why should murders be gloomy? These are Darwin Murders after all. Humanity is made better by them. It’s okay to even chuckle a bit as you off your totally fictional character.

And now a picture to inspire you as you plot your Darwin murder.

HillStair

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