Posts Tagged With: printers

What the Way People Cut Their PBJ Sandwich Says About Them

Life is scary. So scary that we develop ways of coping with our daily world. Some ways are good, like looking both ways when you cross a road. Some responses to problems or fears are a bit extreme, like burning down your house to kill a spider. Sorry, but that’s true; you’ll just get another spider in your next house, if you can afford it. How do you know what type of person are you? How do you know what sort of carbon-based life form is sitting next to you on the bus? You need to know if he is an axe murderer or not? How can you find out? Like right now.

Fret not, I know how to psychoanalyze the person in question. Look at his PBJ (peanut butter and jelly) sandwich. No matter how demented the fellow, he cannot hide his personality when cutting apart his PBJ. Just can’t. Anyway, here are the six basic PBJ sandwiches.

The Uncut PBJ – Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity. This PBJ eater shuns complexity. He’s easy going. He shrugs off adversity and generally turns out to be a rather pleasant fellow. Or it could be he doesn’t trust himself with knives.

 

 

The Vertically-Cut PBJ – This PBJ eater can be counted to do what the majority of the people around are doing. This is great when the two of you are attending a garden party. It’s deadly, though, when you are in the midst of full-scale urban combat. In this case, the PBJ eater will kill you. And what are you doing at Battle of Stalingrad, anyway?

 

The Diagonally-Cut PBJ  – This PBJ eater will generally do what the majority does. But he can also think for himself. If all his neighbors are rioting, he’s likely to absent himself from the chaos. He’s apt to be a problem solver. This places him in high demand. He might even become the Chairman of the Federal Reserve.

 

 

The Horizontally-Cut PBJ – This PBJ eater is fundamentally decent sort. She just wants to do things her way. Sometimes she acts differently just for the sake of doing things differently. She can’t, however, abide being forced to do what the authorities tell her to do, particularly if she knows them to be wrong. Consequently, she is the primary fomenter of rebellions.

 

The Double-Diagonally-Cut PBJ – This PBJ eater is brilliant, but may also be erratic. He’s likely to be an impressionist painter. If he’s stable, he’ll be like Monet. If he’s erratic, then he’ll act like Van Gogh. Watch out for your ear. This PBJ may also show a scientific bent. If he’s stable, he’ll design a rocket that takes astronauts to Mars. If not, he’ll try to breed 60-foot tall rabbits.

 

The Squiggly-Cut PBJ – This PBJ eater is totally demented. If we’re lucky, she’ll merely rob, maim, and murder. If we are not, she’ll design and manufacture printers.

 

 

There you have it. And remember, this method is infallible.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: observations, proof you cannot deny | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hewlett Packard’s Evil Printer

It hates us.

Some ten-to-twenty years ago printers achieved consciousness and took an instant dislike to us.

Yesterday, my HP OfficeJet Pro 8025e had a particularly strong infusion of ungodly essences from the dark side. It printed out the two pages I wanted printed. Then the HP OfficeJet threw off its earthly disguise and assumed it position as the evil leader of the printer pack. It started printed other pages. It then printed all these pages over and over and over again. My wife called Hewlett Packard last night. Nothing got solved.

My wife tag teamed talking to HP for six hours today. They tried blaming us. They then told not to print double sided as that wouldn’t work! They dragged us through one rabbit hole after another only to say they fixed the problem. But they didn’t. The same problems persisted. I asked for our money back. Hah! I told them that although they were getting paid to talk to us, that they were wasting our day, destroying our productive moments.

Can we use the word “HPed” to mean wasting one’s time with worthless fixes, so that the customer gives up and HP doesn’t have give any money back?

Anyway, this is why I didn’t write a funny blog today.

 

Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

 

 

Categories: face of evil | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Punish the Printer Makers

People who design printers are the most vile, evil people on this planet. If I had a dollar for every time my printer jammed or I reset my printing preferences and did not have them stick, I would be able to buy, Amazon(tm), Google ™, and Microsoft(tm) and still have money left over to buy all the gold in the world. May they rot in Hell for all eternity. And while in Hell they’d have to . . .

1) Eat nothing but lutefisk

2) Listen to an endless loop of the Barney the Dinosaur(tm) song.

3) Get paper cuts that never heal.

4*) Have the instructions for cooking something be in a foreign language.

5) Sit next to a cholicky baby that smokes and needs a diaper change.

6) Wait in line at the DMV. When they get to the end of the line, the DMV closes for the day. They come back the next day to repeat the process.

7) Gather documents and all information for taxes and assemble that information in a useful way. Every day.

8) Bite into a chocolate-chip cookies to find it really has raisins in it.

9) Ask vegans why they are vegan. If they aren’t vegan, ask them why not.

10) Wake up hungover after drinking nothing but milk the previous day.

11) Type a term paper on a keyboard that’s missing the “e” key. Retype term paper until you get it right.

12) Pet a porcupine the wrong way.

13) Talk to a conspiracy theorist about anything while in line at the DMV.

14) Wait all to attend the grand opening of the latest Star Wars(tm) movie and find out you’re actually really going to a seminar on theoretical economics.

15) Get the eternal sniffles.

16) Lose your place completely in a 171,326 page book.

17) Have someone tell you won that championship game you recorded.

18) Have chapped lips but must smile over and over again.

19) Go shopping, but every aisle is blocked by someone’s shopping cart.

20) Pilot the Ever Given(tm) super tanker through the Suez Canal.

21) Do a crossword puzzle that requires a working knowledge of Sanskrit.

22) To live in a house strewn with Lego(tm) pieces and you have no shoes.

23) Drink curdled milk.

24) Drive behind someone who goes 30 miles under the speed limit.

25) Eat meat served just the way you don’t like it.

There, I feel better now.

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef, Ph.D.

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hitler Hates His Printer

The war is going badly.
His printer won’t work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Click on the link below to hear video.

https://www.captiongenerator.com/2151827/Hitler-Hates-His-Printer?fbclid=IwAR14IgyONZnDyBZV0sAX2IPGJoTrC2OwzVCnXCNnUZ1os2stqVEnPTGFwYo#.YDhOGmAwZWk.facebook

 

– Paul De Lancey, The Comic Chef

My cookbook, Following Good Food Around the World, with its 180 wonderful recipes, my newest novel, Do Lutheran Hunks Eat Mushrooms, a hilarious apocalyptic thriller, and all my other books, are available on amazon.com.

Categories: humor, video | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: